The person I am becoming, the person that I am, and the person I was… Who is that person, who am I really?
Ever since I discovered myself being agender and not resonating or identifying as a female, things have changed… In fact a lot has changed. Changed in ways I never thought possible, but gave me incredible freedom that I probably would of never found if not for this huge personal discovery.
The person that I was is like the caterpillar: meek, small, soft spoken, shy and kept to herself. The person that I was will always and forever be a brilliant person, I often saw and felt the power of my own vitality but somewhere along the line I kept it under wraps. I didn’t want to stir up trouble, I didn’t want to bother with trying to convince others about my own power, I often found it easier to just stay in the background than risk it all putting myself out there. Admittedly, I felt like a coward in my life but that sounds a bit too harsh because no one is perfect.
However, I did wish I had the courage to do the things that I wanted to do. To simply respond to another person’s comment on the street, to dance in front of others when the street bands were playing, to just simply be who I felt inside in front of others. Not feel the need to guard myself at every chance I got because I was afraid of the outcome. That I would be embarrassed, shamed, teased or otherwise. I wanted to not care, I wanted to leave that old self behind but once I convinced myself enough and the opportunity came, more than likely I shrunk back into the shadow of my authentic self.
Strangely enough, identifying as agender and accepting my dominate masculine energy gave me permission to be the person I always wanted to be. To not be afraid of people, to put myself out there, to have more fun and to be even more spontaneous. Maybe it’s just me but I never felt so open and myself before. It’s as if that person was hidden all this time, I felt him clearly but somehow he was still sleeping waiting to be reawaken at the right time.
Sometimes I think about why now and not 6 months or even 6 years ago, but the world has an odd way of working out. And to be honest, this time would be the best if any simply due to the fact I’m finding myself and my personal power like I never had before.
What if he woke up before his time? Would I be even more confused, would I be around the people that accepts me as that person as easily as my friends and family do now? Would I even have the resources and knowledge that I have now to support the transition between the women that I thought I was to the being I know I am. Would my chosen purpose would be as clear back then as it is in this moment.
Honestly, I don’t think so…
Like all things in life, as random and chaotic as it all seems we’re all due for order, and when the right things meet in the middle magic happens because the timing couldn’t have been better. I surely couldn’t of micromanage this “becoming” of who I really am and what is in store for me.
But now my work is to get to know this person, to love this person and to support this person like I never did in my past. Though I loved the person that I was , the person that I am now is the person I’m supposed to be at this very moment.
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