Vision 29: Freedom

It’s been a while since I sat down and wrote anything about my life. Since I left and came back from Zenkaikon, I’m faced with some harsh truths about myself and my life.

Coming back home and becoming settled in my normal reality, I notice that I’m just unsatisfied with the way some things are. Mostly, I speak about how I latch on to spirituality in a way that makes me feel trapped and in a box. I feel that when I’m entrenched in spirituality, I can’t go beyond it’s boundaries. Where I feel like everything related to spirituality is a hard fact or truth when I know it’s not.

I feel bounded by superficial things like oracle cards, readings, charts and just things that keeps me stuck in a certain box. I fight hard to prove to myself that I am different because of some unseen force; I take spirituality as a means to validate that for myself instead of just being who I am.

I take this spirituality thing too seriously, but on a bigger scale I have to move beyond its definitions and meanings. These feelings of entrapment are the same ones that I faced for years, and I see that it’s not just a phrase or because of circumstances. It’s because of my newly found archetype, the “Peter Pan earth angel,” that I can’t stand anything that blocks my freedom in anyway. I am an eternal child that will never grow up and anything that tells me that I have to be in a certain box stresses me to no end. I have to define my own rules and live by my own heart, not by anyone else’s systems. As tempting as it is to have outside validation for who you are, only I can really label myself as who I am in any form that I choose.

The best freedom that I can give myself is the one where I don’t count on others to make me feel like myself. If I feel that something is infringing on my freedom or happiness I have all the right to change so that I am happy and free to do as I please. I can’t live a life where I’m waiting for someone else to grant me my freedom.

I also can’t keep lying to myself and think that being a certain way forever more is what's best for me. I need variety, I need excitement and I need to be free to do what I please without thinking that it will somehow hurt me or others. I think that is the worst of it all. Feeling that somehow It’s better for me to be in the shadow of my true self because it will somehow grant me success in the real world.
That is what I hate the most and what I despise in society. That you can’t be who you are and be successful at the same time. You have to “fake it till you make it” and other bullshit “wisdom” that only breeds the need to wear masks and talk sweet nothings to everyone you meet.

I don’t mind not being totally open all the time, but I do mind when we’re living in a way that only proves our enslavement to the status quo.

I can’t do it anymore and having some time away from the norm, I see where I can improve myself, my life and my real freedom.

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Taking a Trip

I'm going to be leaving for a local anime convention tomorrow, so if you get a reading I won't be able to do it till about a week from now.

Anyway, I hope you guys are having a great night/day and I'll see you very soon!

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Vision 28: My Love List #18

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 My Love List #18

After delaying this for way over a month, I'm finally starting it back up again to increase my positive vibes and energy! I hope you all enjoy!

• I love the crush I have currently, it feels so good to send my loving vibes to someone I have special feelings for!
• I love noticing that I’m loving myself for my weirdness through my crush
• I love my new Herkimer Diamond crystal that gives me really deep insight!
• I love the money class that I’m in and all the wonderful people that are in it
• I love amping up my money vibe, it makes me feel so good!
• I love the freedom that I have every day to do whatever I want!

• I love the yoga video that I do every morning!
• I love learning Korean and watching Korean dramas
• I love my cat Dro because he loves me so much and wants to be around me
• I love the money that I currently have because I know it will turn into something more!

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Vision 27: A Letter to My Mother

I’m quite emotional right now because I know there are a lot of stuff I need to let go of, and one of the most toxic things that needs to be released is my mom’s drinking.

I so bad want to tell her how I feel but I’ve been down that road many times before to no avail. I still hold a lot of emotions, energy and anger towards my mom’s decisions to drink constantly. I tell myself that it’s not as bad as it seems but it is and it destroys me inside every time I see it. All it does is kill whatever shed of harmony that manages to reach this house, destroys the household and keeps us stuck in this perpetual rollercoaster state of emotions. I fucking hate it, I really do and I tried for years to ignore it but I can’t. I just wish my words were more effective to somehow make her see the light but even a major surgery can’t stop her from drinking and smoking so how do I expect myself to do any better?

So I decided to write a letter to my mom about her drinking and how it affects me on a deep level. The things I want to say, scream and just throw in her face. I’m still attached to thinking that I can change her for the better and shift her destiny. I feel like I’m supposed to change her, like it’s my job so I’m saving her from a very ill fate.

I don’t want to see my mom die over alcohol or cigarettes and I’m carrying a huge burden to think that I’m the key to her survival when in fact I have no control over her actions. I still want to be the one that can change her and I’m subconsciously waiting around for that to happen. I’m not letting myself free till I see my mom do better but that is not my choice to make for her. So I’m writing a letter to finally end this toxic relationship, mindset, emotions and just way of being that I am towards my mom.

I want to let go of the anger, the blame and just the chaos that this causes me every day. I want to move forward on a clean slate and holding onto these emotions only keeps me stuck in this one place. I really, honestly want to move on, I don’t want to hold onto these emotions anymore. So I’m ending it all with a letter to let it all go for good…

Dear Mom,

You have no idea how angry you make me feel every time you drink. Your drinking causes nothing but trouble and nothing good ever comes out of it. I question your intelligence every day and your ability to see the consequences of your actions. I literally hate the person you become when you drink and a part of me wishes I can just throw that person over a bridge.

You cause me so much pain in these last few years with your drinking that I feel invisible to you. I honestly don’t know where our relationship stands because it’s been so warped with the constant drinking. All I want is a normal relationship, nothing major or special. You throw that all away every time you drink and I don’t understand why.

Even when I talk to you about how I feel all you do is say “okay” and other useless shit. I want to be compassionate to your situation but I can’t stand but to feel angry and pissed off with your nonchalant ways of dealing with your issues. I feel like you are causing me pain every time you drink so your passiveness to quitting drinking feels like you don’t give a damn about me. It’s like you’re abusing me emotionally and don’t care how it affects me.

Even when daddy was in the house, all it did was cause problems and it was really hard to justify your actions then when daddy was bringing in wine 2-3 times a week. I’m so resentful towards him for that because it’s like he wanted you to feel sorry for yourself and keep you in a drunken state. Not to mention the blowups that happened during that time. The fighting and arguing that came and went into this house was more than I could bare. We all was fighting and it hurt a lot. I still don’t understand why I’m here to experience nothing but trauma, yet have no power to change it. Why be a healer that can’t heal those around you? What is the point of me being here, being born in this family if all I see is hurt, pain and fighting with no way to make it better. Which that in itself causes me a lifetime of stress.

I feel bad for not helping in anyway, but mostly that I can’t share what I feel is right to live a better life. To say to you and sister to stop the drinking and make it clear what it caused so you can see what I see. Maybe speaking up will change things but I’m always proven wrong so I convinced myself to stuff it all down. I feel like I’m choosing to stay quiet while my family destroys themselves when I always felt that I can help. But I have to let go of that thinking and that mindset. I HAVE no control over what you or sister does even if it ends up killing one of you… I can’t have that burden anymore in my heart. I have to set that little girl free…

I’ve been stuck there for a long time and it’s been controlling my life in ways that are just unhealthy and toxic now. I don’t want to keep blaming you, sister or dad for my pain anymore and the reason why my life is chaotic. I don’t want to keep holding myself down with resentment and regrets. Life is a lot bigger than these four walls and everything I’ve seen in it… I have to believe that.

I have to believe and say to my much younger self that I’m not a bad person for letting this go. To decide to have my own family make their own choices without me mentally or emotionally intervening if they truly want to do what they want to do. I want to be happy for you and see you happy, even if it’s not for your highest good. I want to feel good for stepping out of your way and allowing whatever comes from it.

It just hurts me a lot to think I might be making a choice that could potentially hurt you a lot more than life already has. Honestly speaking, I’m scared but I’m ready to take this new stance. I want to allow myself to move on from this and break any toxic ties for good, because at the end it will be good for all of us. I don’t think any of us are happy when we’re in each other’s way stopping each other from what we want to do.

I just don’t want this anymore but something a lot more healing, better and supportive for you. That is all I’m saying. Whatever happened that caused your need to drink I’m really sorry for that and I wish I can change you to what I want you to be, even though that is not fair to you due to freewill. I just want to say that I understand that you NEVER did anything to cause me intentional harm and I’m sorry if I made you feel that way. I also forgive you and your drinking, I know it’s not to harm me, the house or anyone else that’s been effected by it.

I just want to say that I love you very much and I hope things get better for all of us…

Love,

Your daughter

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Vision 26: Emotional Independence

In this past weekend a lot has been revealed to me. Things that I feel are one of the most important things in being a human being in this world, especially when you have a family.

It started when I posted in the money course Facebook group about positive focus and accountability, in fact I should post that up when I have the time, it’s really good stuff. Anyway, a fellow member posted about her experience of feeling emotionally codependent on her family, to the point she had no clue what to do with her life if she had to do things on her own. I totally resonated with her experience because I too feel greatly affected by my family’s moods and emotions. A lot of the time, I’m on the same emotional level as they are so when things are good then I’m good, but when things are bad then I feel like total shit.

But the real a-ha moment that I found in response to her experience is that I associate a lot of my life with my family. A good example of this is that I feel I have to cater to them so they can improve themselves so that I can be successful. Or that I can’t be independent, free or be able to do what I want till my harsh family issues are healed. And basically, I feel that no matter what I do, my family is attached to me. So if I succeed then my family succeeds and things will be better, but if I fail than my whole family will go down with me. This causes a lot of stress and confusion in my life. I don’t understand where my life starts or ends, because I’m not the one calling the shots. I feel like I’m doing it all for my family (or we’re working as one unit) to the point that my own self is absorbed in it all.

This makes me feel anxious, stressed, confused, controlled and smothered. In fact, I feel way less motivated to do what I want to do (or even what my family desires out of me) when I feel this way, compared to when I feel independent and free to do whatever it is that I want. I didn’t see it till yesterday but this is completely unhealthy! And I lived this way for many years… I think this is one of the major issues I need to heal in myself. To lay down and apply emotional and mental boundaries with my family.

This made me see the truth that I want more money in my life to distance myself from my family and to feel free to do what it is that I want. I would call it having more freedom but what I really want is my own life outside of my family or a part of my life that I don’t have to share with them; a part of my life that whether I succeed or fail won’t affect them in anyway. I don’t want to be attached to the hip with my family for the rest of my life. At the same time I feel confused because it feels selfish to want this as well. As if I’m not supporting my family.

I’ll be honest that this is a lot to think about, more than I’ve ever considered when it comes to my family. For years I felt that I was meant to heal them so that I could move on to bigger and better things. After my reawakening of my true self, I realized how my mission in life got warped in thinking I had to heal them before the world. Thinking it was my job to heal them and make them better bounded me here even when I wanted to leave and move far away. I still entertain that possibility even when I was told many MANY times that I can’t change my family or the negativity they choose to engage in.

I guess a part of me didn’t know how to let go because of this powerful mental and emotional connection. But, through this money class I’m seeing unmatched proof that I am my own person that can affect my own future without my family being on board in all ways. I saw that distance between me and my family widened and what I can really do in my life. It’s a nice feeling even after I pretty much fell off the wagon a bit.

Seeing this however, I have a better idea of what I’m working with and how I can shift it because it’s what I need to do to move on. Not for my family’s sake but for solely myself…

Also, check out my newest reading where I create an artist trading card of your angel and give you guidance that you need to hear right now!

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Vision 25: The Worthiness Game

It’s been about a month since I started my money class and the evidence of my improvement is there. Things are getting better, easier, more downstream and generally healing. Even though I haven’t been doing all of the later assignments every day, since so much has happened that re-awaken me to who I truly am, I do find some slippage.

The biggest issue that I do have out of everything however is feeling worthy. I don’t know why but it’s hard for me to feel worthy or allowing for the better to come. Because as soon as things get good for some time, given about 2 weeks, I start to self-sabotage. I expect the worst to happen and somehow I think I don’t deserve the goodness and healing that I’m getting. I feel that things can’t be easy for me and that I have to prove myself to my family, the universe or just life.

This worthiness game is huge…

It’s huge because that is basically the very thing we’re all trying to get to. To feel worthy and allowing to do and have what we want. I think that was my a-ha moment for the day. I can have anything I want but if I don’t feel worthy to have it then it won’t come. It doesn’t matter what it is, money, love, relationships, cars, houses, pets, TVs, games and etc. If I don’t feel deserving to have that good, that allowing and just that healing in my life, than those things are as far away as I am to China.

I know all about it, I read about it and even hear people living there but it’s no closer to me then when I was born. It’s just that far yet I know it exists. That’s pretty deep because I’m the type of person that feels guilty for a lot of things that I can’t control. I put people’s happiness above my own and I know that it doesn’t do jack shit for me. I also know that I can’t make people happy or take that on as my mission in life because happiness is an inside job. There isn’t enough I can or can’t do to make someone else happy in their own life.

 Find what soul story is, your true purpose so you can start living how you intended and not how others want you to live!

Yet, I base my worthiness on my family’s happiness, how they are feeling and what they do. I still assume that if I do enough my family will be healed and then I’ll be happy. Then I can do what I came here to do, then I’ll be worthy enough to have what I want. Time and time again I’m proven wrong.

My worthiness has to come from me because I’m already worthy. There isn’t a soul, authority, god or person that can grant me my worthiness. I have to decide and act on it as if I’m already am, or else I’ll constantly feel guilty and undeserving because other people just can’t be happy on their own. Which in turn gives my power to other people, so no one wins in that.

But if I just give myself a loving chance, throw caution in the wind, let other people decide if happiness is within them and allow myself to have the good because I deserve it, then I’ll surly win. As feeling good is all that matters and positivity attracts more of it.

Not this self-sacrificing bullshit that we’re constantly taught and force feed from the day we were born. I need to learn (more) to stop sacrificing myself for another’s happiness because that isn’t the way happiness works. It works when you stop allowing the bullshit in life control how you feel, especially circumstances and people. Once you learn that happiness is an inside job and no one can take it away, then you have true power, control and rule in your life. I’m slowly getting closer to that, but the universe have to make it more clear for me every once in a while when I’m not feeling worthy.

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