It started when I posted in the money course Facebook group about positive focus and accountability, in fact I should post that up when I have the time, it’s really good stuff. Anyway, a fellow member posted about her experience of feeling emotionally codependent on her family, to the point she had no clue what to do with her life if she had to do things on her own. I totally resonated with her experience because I too feel greatly affected by my family’s moods and emotions. A lot of the time, I’m on the same emotional level as they are so when things are good then I’m good, but when things are bad then I feel like total shit.
But the real a-ha moment that I found in response to her experience is that I associate a lot of my life with my family. A good example of this is that I feel I have to cater to them so they can improve themselves so that I can be successful. Or that I can’t be independent, free or be able to do what I want till my harsh family issues are healed. And basically, I feel that no matter what I do, my family is attached to me. So if I succeed then my family succeeds and things will be better, but if I fail than my whole family will go down with me. This causes a lot of stress and confusion in my life. I don’t understand where my life starts or ends, because I’m not the one calling the shots. I feel like I’m doing it all for my family (or we’re working as one unit) to the point that my own self is absorbed in it all.
This makes me feel anxious, stressed, confused, controlled and smothered. In fact, I feel way less motivated to do what I want to do (or even what my family desires out of me) when I feel this way, compared to when I feel independent and free to do whatever it is that I want. I didn’t see it till yesterday but this is completely unhealthy! And I lived this way for many years… I think this is one of the major issues I need to heal in myself. To lay down and apply emotional and mental boundaries with my family.
This made me see the truth that I want more money in my life to distance myself from my family and to feel free to do what it is that I want. I would call it having more freedom but what I really want is my own life outside of my family or a part of my life that I don’t have to share with them; a part of my life that whether I succeed or fail won’t affect them in anyway. I don’t want to be attached to the hip with my family for the rest of my life. At the same time I feel confused because it feels selfish to want this as well. As if I’m not supporting my family.
I’ll be honest that this is a lot to think about, more than I’ve ever considered when it comes to my family. For years I felt that I was meant to heal them so that I could move on to bigger and better things. After my reawakening of my true self, I realized how my mission in life got warped in thinking I had to heal them before the world. Thinking it was my job to heal them and make them better bounded me here even when I wanted to leave and move far away. I still entertain that possibility even when I was told many MANY times that I can’t change my family or the negativity they choose to engage in.
I guess a part of me didn’t know how to let go because of this powerful mental and emotional connection. But, through this money class I’m seeing unmatched proof that I am my own person that can affect my own future without my family being on board in all ways. I saw that distance between me and my family widened and what I can really do in my life. It’s a nice feeling even after I pretty much fell off the wagon a bit.
Seeing this however, I have a better idea of what I’m working with and how I can shift it because it’s what I need to do to move on. Not for my family’s sake but for solely myself…
Also, check out my newest reading where I create an artist trading card of your angel and give you guidance that you need to hear right now!
