Monday, May 26, 2014

Vision 37: Manifesting My Shabby Chic Life

manifest vintage chic home

I’ve recently been drawn towards the wonders of the shabby chic home this week. Something about it gives me a really warm and fuzzy feeling inside. I also love the antique, worn yet girly pastel look as well. It’s something that speaks to me a lot and the universe have been throwing it in my face lately. I’m actually working on a new vision board about it right now!

attracting new cottage home

The reason why I love shabby chic so much is that it reminds me of the angels and the type of d├ęcor I always enjoyed as a child. It gives me heartfelt feelings and memories that I can’t explain or seem like I even had this lifetime. It feels as though I’m being called to another world entirely, and as a lover of fantasy, I’m always willing to go there.

The girly princess look always fascinated me as well, even though I resonate more with being a prince. That feeling of royalty or the feeling of self-worth is something I always like to cultivate in myself and in my world. I’m often too hard on myself so whenever I can make myself feel good and pampered is a must have in my life and shabby chic fits the bill. The look makes me feel taken care of and loved.

One of my favorite things about shabby chic is the vintage look, it reminds me of the angels on the vintage postcards and paintings that I adore. I always wanted a big angel painting in my future home; every time I see those classic painted roses, the soft pinks and baby blues, the fine details on a second hand vanity or light hitting the hanging crystal chandeliers, I feel quite at home.

Shabby chic gives me a feeling of being in another world as well. I love the feeling it gives me that I’m far away from the typical rat race everyone else is so ingrained in. Learning about myself, that is not how I operate, so creating a relaxing and calming environment is something I desire more than anything. I never want to feel stressed or overwhelmed.

What I want to manifest is a home that is calming, sweet, childlike, relaxing and has that cottage villa feel. I enjoy the look so much and I can imagine myself laying upon my soft couch to do my favorite activities within its soft embrace.

I want paintings of angels, sailor moon and other sweet styled art that I enjoy. I want a really fun yet homely kitchen that is the perfect size for me to cook for myself or my close friends for a get together. And a bedroom that is more like a whimsical toy circus meets an Angelic Pretty store dusted with my love of the spiritual realm.

Writing this out was really powerful and I love using my blog as a means to write out my desires, dreams and list for what I want to manifest in my life! I can’t wait to see what happens as I follow my guidance even more!

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Saturday, May 24, 2014

Vision 36: Friday Favorites #3 (Birthday Edition)

 I haven’t done this in a while and I noticed how great listing the top five things that I enjoy really keeps me positive and have me looking out for things to enjoy. Even though it’s not Friday, I felt the need to do this anyway so that I can list the things I really cherished in the week. This time around everything that I listed was related to my birthday, either gifts I’ve gotten or what I’ve done to celebrate my 25th birthday!

Ni No Kuni 

Studio Ghibli game ni no kuni 

My good friend was sweet enough to buy me this game as a present when we were in Game Stop on my birthday. I’ve seen the review of this game and fell in love with it especially since Studio Ghibli were one of the developers. I’m about 16 hours into the game and I’m seriously impressed already! Thank you so much good friend!

The Godzilla Movie

Another great birthday present my other friend gave me last Saturday! He treated me to the movie and dinner at Ruby Tuesdays! Also, a fun fact about this movie is that as soon as I saw the trailer, I knew I needed to see this movie for my birthday, so I added to the list of things I wanted to do for 2014. Once I told my friend about the movie (a week before it came out) and how we should see it, he told me that he would take me, how awesome is that? Manifesting at its best!

Ruby Tuesday’s Peanut Butter Crunch 

ruby tuesday dessert peanut butter crunch

This was the dessert that I had at Ruby Tuesdays. It was beyond what I thought it was going to be. It was so good with so many different flavors and textures I even scraped the plate clean! I highly recommend this dessert at your next visit!

Ihop’s Cinnamon Swirl Brioche French Toast

ihop french toast cinna

I gotten this combo meal the morning of my birthday with my good friend. It was AMAZING! Since they didn’t have the Cinnastack French Toast anymore this comes to a great second and alternative if you’re just as crazy for it as I am. Though the bread is different, it’s still soft, tasty and delicious! Also, ask for whip cream on top for some extra goodness like I did!

How to Train your Dragon 

train your dragon movie

This was the movie that I saw while my good friend was staying over for my birthday. When it originally came out a few years back I didn’t think it was going to be that good, but when I heard about the sequel that pique my interest to watch it. When I finally did, I was blown away! This instantly became one of my top favorite movies and I was surprised how I kept myself from watching this for so many years!

As you can see, I enjoyed my birthday quite a bit and made a ton of good memoires, I hope you guys enjoyed what I loved this week too!
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Thursday, May 22, 2014

Vision 35: Feeling Guilty

emotions guilt feelings well-being

I tend to feel guilty a lot. Like a whole lot. It doesn’t matter what is happening I blame myself anyway, and I have no idea why I do this.

My guide Joe explained to me last night how bad I make myself feel when bad things happen when they are not my problems to begin with. Even when it comes to situations that I have no control over, I instantly place the blame on myself and feel that if I’ve done better, the said situation would of never happened. I’m not sure what made me do this in the first place or what started it. I just know that I always had this need to help anyone that I can or have this duty to make things better for others. I just feel that it’s my obligation to fix other people’s problems somehow, like it’s my job.

The issue is that I’m always blaming myself if I can’t fix what’s wrong; I do this all the time since I take on the problems of others around me. And when the problem is mine I’m simply too hard on myself. I never let myself win which is detrimental to my life especially when I’m practicing the law of attraction closely.

My guide gave it to me straight, I’ll always have problems if I keep blaming myself for them. I honestly didn’t see what he was saying to me on that level and it really opened my eyes. Somehow, I’m always putting myself in the position where I need to change to make things better. Yet, as problems arise from my own or others lives, I’m still blaming myself and pushing myself to change so life can be better, but I’ll always have problems if I keep assuming they are mine to fix. That’s pretty deep.

So basically I’m blaming myself for everything if somehow I feel I can change it. And at one point I actually felt like it was my job to save the world, to make the world a better place which eroded my peace of mind pretty badly. It took me a really long time to change that mindset, yet on a smaller scale I’m still trying to save the world, I’m still assuming things can only change if I do something about it. Which is so wrong, I know it’s not why I came here or my purpose to fulfill.

This has been a huge problem for a really long time and only now I’m seeing the weight of it. It makes me feel worthless if I can’t help others, even though I’m stopping myself from growing and progressing in my own life. I don’t know where this sense of duty came from but the time is now for me to start changing it because it is stopping me from living a happier life for myself.

I have to tell myself that this need to assume any and all problems onto myself is misplaced and I need to stop blaming myself for everything. Life will never get better from that perspective, and it surly won’t change my life in a positive way if I keep telling myself that I’m no good unless I change. Typing this all out now, this is a central problem I have about myself and is the core to a lot of my grief in myself and in life.

Too often I feel I’m not good enough because the world isn’t perfect or I can’t change myself or others to fix things. I see now that a lot of the problems that I have are not problems but quirks and preferences that I naturally have.

And there’s nothing wrong with that…

I have no need to change or blame myself for the world others live in or the fact I’m the way I am. In fact, I need to start embracing myself a lot more and praise my differences and how I go about life. I’ve been seeing it as a curse but it’s actually pretty special and I have to focus on that, not how bad I think I’m always doing compared to others.

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Tuesday, May 13, 2014

Vision 34: Letting Go of The Twin Flame

twin flame letting go

Something interesting happened last week while I was talking with a good friend of mine. We were chatting about what we have learned from this video from Calling in The One. The video was about the most common blocks that people hold that keeps them from manifesting a soul mate. It was really good and in-depth so if you’re interested in attracting your soul mate I highly suggest it.

Anyway, something she said really stuck a cord in me. It’s when she mentioned not feeling good enough because your “too this” or “not enough that.” I immediately felt a resonance with that and felt like she was talking to me. I always had a mentality of wanting to be the best person I can be; I even remember that one of the reasons why I wanted to get into the psychic arts is so that I can have an advantage in life.

Bringing that back up to the present, since I started my twin flame journey I was even more so trying to improve myself. I was on the hunt to find possible blockages, find my purpose, losing extra weight, study different cultures and all kinds of things so I’m that 100% that I vowed I was going to be when I meet the person I came into this world with.

So when I thought about  what I could be possibly doing that’s keeping my twin flame at bay, I noticed that I always think I need to improve myself before he can come into my life. I never think that I’m good enough now because it always seems like there are more things that I need to fix in myself or in my life. Somehow I always think that he’s an arm’s length away no matter how “close” I may feel that we are to meeting.

So it’s my constant need to improve that keeps the one I’m wanting out of my life because I never reach that point where everything is perfect.

Wow, and to think that all this improvement was helping me, but I see it was blocking me so I never truly go anywhere towards my real desire (or at least to the desire itself). I’m sure there was some things I needed to get in order, but overall I’m not accepting that who I am now is good enough for my future partner. I feel like I have to be someone else, this ideal perfect person that has her shit together before I can get what I really want.

I poured so much of my time and energy into how I’m perceived by another person (twin flame or not) that I didn’t see it’s 1. Totally unfair to me and 2. I’m holding myself back from my TRUE self. And honestly, I’m getting super impatient waiting for this magical unicorn of a person and placing this one event so high on my list of things I really want to happen.

I didn’t see it then but I think that I put too much importance on something that isn’t happening now. And too much energy trying to be someone else’s ideal person than saying to myself: “I’m perfect the way I am and I don’t need to change myself for anyone!

I’m too focus on the lack of my twin flame and trying to appease the universe instead of being incredibly selfish and thinking only of myself.

Point being, I’m not going to wait (didn’t realize I was honestly) anymore, I’m stopping this quest for improvement and I'm going to stop hoping that he’ll randomly show up after a major shift in myself happens.

I’m wasting time chasing after this person; it’s time to chase myself and make me completely happy…

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Friday, May 9, 2014

Vision 33: Scripting and Focus

I found scripting to be one of the most fun and creative processes in Abraham’s long list of processes. For some reason it really speaks to me and as an artist I feel like I’m painting a picture but with words, so I feel very at home. Since noticing how much storytelling, roles, writing and manifestation has interest me and getting some positive results from it, I want to start talking about what I learned and share some tips on how to change the “story” of your life.

Why Focus is so Important in Manifestation and Scripting

The number one thing that everyone should know about manifesting is focus. What you focus on, think about, talk about and just hold your attention to is vital. It’s vital because whatever you’re focused on, you’re receiving some type of emotional response from it, and if that response is negative than your point of attraction is negative. Thus you’re going to attract some unwanted stuff.

For example, your life isn’t what you want it to be, you have a crappy job, your relationship isn’t fulfilling and you don’t have enough money to survive, you have a lot of negativity going on and I’m sure you’re reminding yourself about it every day. You wake up with dread, you think about the bills coming in, you have a less than loving conversation with your mate and then you go to your crappy job for most of the day.

You’re focus is on the negative, what’s not working, what’s going wrong and what could go wrong, so it’s safe to say you’re manifesting from lack and worry, which in turns will bring more of it.

The truth is, no matter what is happening in your life, your “focus” will bring whatever it is you’re focused on. So whether you’re living the “great life” or “stuck in poverty” it’s your focus on what’s working vs. not working that keeps you in your circumstances, not the circumstances themselves.

So What’s this Focusing Stuff has to do with Scripting and Why it is Important?

When you script, you’re creating the perfect life or circumstance that only you can create, it makes you focus on the positive and the changes you want to see in your life. The reason why people stay stuck in lack luster circumstances even though they try hard to make law of attraction work is because they lack a laser like focus on things that produces good feelings.

Yeah, it might seem like they are doing everything in their power to change their life, but if you’re constantly falling into despair, hopelessness, and just negative emotions, all you’re doing is putting that great energy into what you DON’T want in attempt of trying to get what you do want. It’s not about “doing” but what you’re currently “feeling.”

It is the emotions that you have while you’re doing what you’re doing that determines if your point of attraction is positive or negative, not that you’re putting in effort or proving a point by working hard.

The point is to feel good and have positive emotions; that is where you’re focus (what you think, take action from and talk about) should be and the place where real change happens. Without that focus on positivity it’s very easy to stay stuck in the same nasty situations.

This is why scripting is such a handy and fun tool. Without a lot of work you can create a positive focus that doesn’t require much effort or attention to get it going! You can use your new story every day and remind yourself of what you desire, what you want to change and the positive feelings you want to experience every day.

It’s not like doing other LOA processes like a chore that has to be different every time you do it (like listing positive aspects), but a fun, inspiring story that doesn’t even take 10 minutes to read. It’s a road map of what you want and the type of things you need to start creating so it will fit into your new reality. It’s your road map of focus, desire and a way for you to keep positive focus even when your “now reality” isn’t that great.

So if you haven’t yet, start scripting out your perfect day or the way you want your life to be and read it every day. Focus on what is going right in your life and just things that make you happy. If you keep that focus long enough it will start to grow into more noticeable manifestations!

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Wednesday, May 7, 2014

Vision 32: What I Learned from Game Grumps

Something pretty amazing just came back to my consciousness yesterday while watching one of my favorite YouTube channels, Game Grumps.

It was when Dan was fighting the last level boss and after successfully defeating him, a second one showed up. It pissed him off so much since he thought that he beat the game, but soon after he died and had to start both boss fights over.

While I was watching him now beat the first boss with ease, the second one was hard to watch. He kept dying on the second boss and the more he died the more familiar his struggle reminded me of my own adventure in gaming. It’s when you get to that one part of the level that seems absolutely impossible to complete or do. You try and try and try yet somehow you keep failing, to the point it’s actually “easy” or at least easier to do, but somehow you keep dying. It took me back to my thoughts during those times. How it seemed impossible due to the simple fact I couldn’t imagine myself beating that one boss or getting past that one part of the level.

For some reason I had this mentality that if I never done it before, somehow it can’t be done.

However, once I see myself become successful at it, or at least see another person do it, that mental block lifts or just enough for me to have enough faith to get past the obstacle! It’s like once I see that it’s possible, then it’s that easier for me to do automatically.

Once I made that gaming connection to reality, it really does make sense. It’s all a mental game…

Even though I’m afraid of the unknown and I sometimes can’t imagine myself being successful it doesn’t mean I can’t be, it’s all in my head. I have to get past my own negative and limited thoughts so that I can realize my dreams or any goal that I have.

I let myself get too caught up in the reality of things and not my ability to make things happen. I tend to get on myself too for not having the resources or knowhow about something. Yet, it’s not about knowing how, but not being limited by circumstance and doing what you want anyway because all the tools will find you along the way.

That was a HUGE a-ha moment for me and something that I needed to remind myself of.

How many times did you let yourself get so wrapped up in your own thinking that something goes wrong that you actually fuck up on cue because it was simply premeditated. Or that whenever situation you feared never came up to begin with and things actually went fine? That’s me, sometimes I get in my head about things so much that I miss the point of doing whatever it is I’m trying to achieve. I think too much about what others are doing and how they think of me, and not enough about me enjoying what I’m doing.

I’m placing way too much importance on how I’m seen, perceived, illusionary dangers, opinions and other shit that quite frankly has nothing to do with what I’m doing. Anything that I ever wanted has nothing to do with anyone else but me, so I’m the only one that has to care enough to not let MYSELF get in my own way through my own limited thinking.

Everyone else can kiss my ass…

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Sunday, May 4, 2014

Vision 31: Family beliefs and Money

law of attraction money beliefs

After coming back from the convention and taking a week off from my normal routine I’m having trouble believing I can truly change my money patterns.

I guess it started with noticing and thinking negatively about my home life and what goes on. Since I started therapy and really got out what I’ve been feeling, it’s as if I’m telling myself and making myself see that some of the harsher parts of my life haven’t changed much. This freaks me out because I’m now realizing how much damage the drinking and negativity in the house has affected me.

I always thought that my negative thinking was purely about me being negative but the life I’ve lived has a great influence over it, and I’m constantly fighting it. I always get mad at myself for not doing better, manifesting bigger things and somehow not getting the things I really want due to self-sabotage, but I’ve learned to live that way.

Somehow in a backdoor type of way, I taught myself to follow my family and parents so that I can protect myself from perceived harm. Like having people come after me because I have money, problems randomly arising because you have more income, and simply the fact that when you have more money you have more problems. As if as much as you want and need more money, having it doesn’t really serve you. That’s a pretty huge belief.

So in a crazy way, I took that in and lived by it subconsciously. So when I do start to make more money or I’m really close to success, I cut myself off because of those deeper beliefs that say that having money only brings more trouble and negativity. Usually the negativity that you can’t fix or solve.

When I feel safe to go out and do what I want to do is normally when I see another person (more or less IRL) do it and have a positive experience. Mostly, I haven’t had those good influences in my life. Everyone has the same core money beliefs on some level. More money, more problems, or that people only want you for your money and things like that. It makes me fearful that I won’t get the things I want out of life even when I’m successful because somehow it will all go wrong.

I knew about some of these beliefs but I’m learning about them in a deeper way today. A lot of my deeper beliefs comes from my home life which is mostly negative, especially the highlights of it. It’s like the “life lessons” my family has taught me was that money isn’t that great, it tears people apart, makes the government take it away from you and it’s a way for others to keep you poor and struggling. I guess I’m dealing with those reemerging feelings again because I feel somewhat stuck. It’s like I’m falling back into the mindset of “it’s better for me to just struggle in life to survive because that’s how others have done it.”

I have yet to see someone close to me “make it” and make their dreams come true. Everyone struggles, are unhappy and complain about life. And a lot of the conversations stem from lack, negativity or that somehow others have it better than them. A mindset I detest a lot. It’s like they want to be limited and try to convince that to everyone around them. And when you say something that goes against that truth, you’re wrong, unrealistic or naive. I’m honestly struggling between what I’m learning and what I already learned for years.

I know that I’m only taking on my family’s and other people’s beliefs and applying it to myself as if I’m the same. But it’s like I can’t help it, I’m still very used to that thinking even though I made great strides to change it.

I think now is especially tough because I’m dealing with a lot of positive changes, yet I still see things that hurts me a lot. It’s like no matter how much I try, I can’t do anything to make things better for everyone else. I feel like a failure and I don’t want to feel like that. I’m just having trouble accepting life for what it is for the people that live it.

At the end of the day, I have to look at myself and keep distancing myself from other’s beliefs and their emotions, that’s what gets me. If I consider myself as a singular player that can only effect my own reality (which is the truth of the matter) than I’m not as bad as I’m looking at others. I can, have and seen the changes I can create in my own life. Sometimes I just take things way too seriously and think that the struggle is the only way for me to “get it” because that is everyone else’s belief.

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Thursday, May 1, 2014

Vision 30: Agender

genderqueer agender null-gender

I have no idea what to say. This is just one of those posts that I’m completely unsure about. It hasn’t been long since I learned about this, but this is probably one of the most important things that I’ve learned about myself in many years.

I am agender, meaning that I identify myself as having no gender, even though I am biology female. It’s strange to say it out loud or in a way that I’m actually looking or listening to myself say this. This isn’t something that I knew about for years and just didn’t say anything about it, it was rather hidden or “covered” in me identifying myself as female.

For a long time I felt very uncomfortable around really feminine energy or being around a lot girls. I always found girls to be more catty and prone to pettiness in my years so I naturally gravitated to having a lot of boys as friends. I didn’t know it in my childhood but when I got older it made a lot more sense. Even in childhood I was more of a tomboy and wasn’t the typical girly girl. I loved video games and even remembered having a lot of boyish toys, though I remember liking girl things too, it was a mixed bag but I always had a more masculine curve in life.

When I got into my teens and puberty started, oh god, I hated it. Growing a well-endowed chest in middle school wasn’t fun for me. It felt like an alarm bell for everyone (especially boys) to look at me. Needless to say I was very self-conscious about my body and wore baggy clothes to hide my shape. Hmm, talking about how my body developed gave me insight that I didn’t see before.

Before puberty started I felt a lot more free to do what I please, I wasn’t bounded to gender roles or standards, at least I didn’t see it or felt it strongly. However, once I started to become a “women” a certain standard and expectation started to take shape around my life. Where my female peers wanted to show off their bodies, wanted boyfriends, and went out to party, I fought against it. I didn’t want to grow up, I didn’t want to care about those things, I honestly didn’t have any interest or even a real concept of those subjects. I just wanted to stay a child and not be attached to adult constraints or just activities I had no interest in.

I remember around the time my own friends started to branch off into the wonders of teenagehood, I was still making friends with the younger kids in my neighborhood. I felt a lot more comfortable with them because they were interested in the same things I was interested in. There was no talk about boyfriends, fashion, school gossip or anything I felt was daunting to think about. We still used our imagination to play and relayed on rather simple things to have a good time. I honestly miss that part of my life now thinking about it.

Anyway, now that my body labeled me as a certain gender, I felt like life and society expected me to be a certain way. Like having a boyfriend, someday having children, having a career and just living a typical life as a female. I didn’t see it then but I was trapped in my own gender, where beyond that point was completely blind to me because I was raised to see and expect my life to go a certain way.
Since knowing that I am in fact agender, I don’t see my life as I used to. In fact, the path and destination of my life took a dramatic turn and I felt that as soon as I realized that truth about myself.

In my twin flame journey I thought that I was meant to be more girly and feminine. In fact, I thought that my disconnection to my femininity was a result of me fearing my sexuality and female nature. I thought I needed to be healed and fixed, so I strived to do just that. I drove into the world of the divine feminine even though I felt very uneasy about it, especially when the topic was about female sexuality. Even though I was asexual and knew my stance about sex, I decided it was a chance for me to find power in my sexuality (without having sex) as a women anyway.

In about a year since I went in circles trying to find my niche in my business and in life after thinking that embracing my womanhood was the answer to all my problems. Even though I enjoyed the girl power and the collective support women had for each other, I never did found my true niche, for some reason once I stated to settle in a niche, I would have the instinct to leave it.

While trying to embrace the divine feminine in life and in business I thought I needed to finally grow up. I thought that I needed to start embracing adulthood and finally start making real changes in my life. I thought that my lack of interest in adult things was the reason my life was more of a struggle than ever. I thought I was running away from everything from a fate I couldn’t really escape. It was time for me to stop trying to be an eternal princess and start being a queen over my life. I also tried to face my fears with my own sexuality only to find out that my fear was just pressure from what other women were doing to find themselves.

Even though I was doing all that I can to fit myself in a box another has set up for me, life didn’t get easier. In fact, it just felt like more obstacles was getting in my way, though I didn’t see it then. I thought I was fixing and getting my life together but in reality I was pushing against my own genderless nature by becoming more feminine. I did everything I could to embrace what it meant to be a beautiful and powerful “goddess,” a word that I despise applying to myself now.

It was when I was urged to get a reading I found out that I had strong male and female energies by a tarot reader. That is when things started to click into place. She told me things that I didn’t see completely, especially how I come off to other people, especially in the matters of affection.

It started to ring in my mind that, the way I was wasn’t because I was broken, but because I had both strong feminine and masculine energies within me, something that I never considered. I always resonated more with solar masculine energy though there was no doubt that I had my little princess side too.

This made me dive into that part of the reading and eventually when I brought my Herkimer Diamond crystal, it took me to a past life where I was a warrior with really strong masculine energy. So strong that it still affects me to this very day. I am as one with it as I was in the past. When I dived deeper, into the connection between my present and past life, it was clear that I was truly genderless.

This broke open so much that I didn’t understand and soon a lot of things in my life started to make a whole lot of sense. The best feeling of all however was that I was fully accepting of my genderless self, it felt good to be this way because I knew this was who I really am.

Since then, I’ve been bouncing around trying to figure some things out, especially how I want to label myself and how others will see me when I explain to them about being agender. I know however that this IS the person I am supposed to be and that my disconnection to femininity wasn’t because I was broken but I don’t relate with gender roles as a whole.

This in turn changed my whole life in a way I thought I would never see it. I’m free to make my own choices as I see fit and not because I have breasts and a vagina, or that I lack them. I make decisions based on what I feel inside and nothing else; I finally reclaimed my real power as a spirit living the human experience. Not just a human living the human experience.
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