Sunday, December 21, 2014

Vision 76: Struggle

Learn to stop struggling LOA

Today during my walk, I had a really great conversation with my guide Joe. I was telling him how when I was younger, I wasn’t this over the top passionate go getter like I am now. It really put in perspective of how I naturally functioned as a child and what traits I’ve developed in my adult years.

When he heard about that, he probed and asked me more questions relating how I basically made goals (or lack thereof) and how I go after them. Having this conversation, I learned that my struggle, the same struggle I’ve been having in the last 5-6 years of trying to make a thriving business, be a great artist or whatever I wanted was because I didn’t want to struggle in life anymore.

When I was younger, I didn’t have the intense problem(s) as I do now, it didn’t push me to overcome them and make big goals to eliminate them. The things that I did for fun, I did for fun, I had no real goals to become the best, to have some huge destiny or have some huge influence over the world. Only till my later teens and eventually when I became a young adult, things changed. When the recession hit, while I just got into college, the threat of losing my home became the center fold of my life, even now. From what I thought then was my saving grace the book, Creating Money, came into my hands. That was my first book on Law of Attraction, and through that book I learned that I could create the life that I wanted.

From then on, my goal was to fix my (or really my family’s) life of struggle and to make a business that I loved. However, on the journey to do those things I picked up very unhealthy and damaging beliefs about who I should be to become successful. The traditional ways of business goes against my very nature, and quite frankly I learned to work hard at it. Nonetheless, it just kept me in the same situation for years.

As time went by and my dreams and desires changed, I noticed that the common denominator was that I wanted my intended result to stop my life of struggle. And trying so hard to succeed and noticing how I wasn’t or couldn’t get there kept me in struggle more, so then I only attracted struggle as a result. Which leads me to where I was (and on some level now), spinning my wheels not going anywhere.

I realized this afternoon, that it isn’t my issues (through it is a small part of it) that was the reason I haven’t succeed in the things I wanted, but my desired intention was impure. I wanted the success to save me from my problems and struggles (what I didn’t want), it was the message I was sending to the universe. I wasn’t doing it because I simply loved doing what I was doing. I wasn’t focus on how good it felt or the fact it will grow into something more (what I did want). I pushed myself very far in everything I thought would be the magic solution for me, that one thing that would make me rich or simply change my life of struggle. But that isn’t what I was sending to the universe, all I was sending was the fact I hated my life and how nothing worked out for me, then worked harder to fix it and the cycle continues.

I learned an important lesson today, I have no need to struggle if I just stop struggling. I don’t have to overcome lifelong afflictions, family drama and dysfunction to succeed. All I need is to focus on what I love and allow the universe to bring it to me. I don’t need to do anything extra to be in an allowing place, just practice the feeling of it.

It’s as if for a really long time I’ve been going up the same mountain over and over again in hopes to find my destination, when all I had to do is look at the map and follow its path. I have no need to struggle anymore. I have no need to beat myself up for not being a better person.

All I need to do is praise myself and what I love and focus on those things because it’s the reason I want to do anything, because it feels good, not because I want to stop what I don’t want.

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Saturday, December 20, 2014

Vision 75: End of an Era

how to move on from negativity

A few days ago, I just received the most amazing news I could ever hear! That indeed the universe and Archangel Michael has known my prayers and troubles and is making a way for me to finally leave a very toxic way of living.

I’ve been living in a household that is indeed very harmful in a lot of ways. Because of this, I’ve developed very dysfunctional ways of thinking and living. This toxic mindset has disabled me from truly accessing my power and what I really wanted for years. I didn’t believe I was worthy, I had to fix everyone around me, everything was my fault and if I can’t fix it then I was a bad person. This thinking has plagued me for most of my life. I didn’t allow myself to have good things, not really on a deep level.

It took me a long time to come to a place where I was willing to put everything around me on the back burner and make myself a real priority. But in doing that in 2014 I’ve regained and discovered parts of me I didn’t even know existed. Positive traits that I wanted to have but believed I truly lacked in myself.  Life was confusing for a long time but I’m happy to say, through my path of recovery, a lot of the fog has lifted.

Hearing this wonderful message from Clio, the reader that took my question, beyond spoke to me. It actually opened me up to speak my truth and be honest with myself. My struggle of following my intuition vs. the opinions of others was intense, I didn’t really know what was the right answer. Yet, somehow, following my intuition of asking about my life purpose in art, I got the answer to the question I always wanted to ask. This gave me permission to actually step forward to leave this toxic household and not feel bad for it. AAM let me know that I wasn’t a bad person and I was overdue to leave this situation for a long time now. The only thing that was stopping me was myself, and my own belief that I wasn’t worthy enough, strong enough or able enough to do it without the universe’s green light.

Even though I have gotten the green light, the real blessing is that I’m not a bad person for leaving, in fact, it is vital to my life purpose to do so. So I don’t have to feel bad anymore and block the next step to actually making it happen. I wanted this for so many years and without any improvement or promise of it happening I stopped asking and just accepted where I was. This was a good and bad thing at once, it was great because I wasn’t struggling to leave (at times) but at the same time, I was stuffing down my true desires and feeling bad for not getting what I really wanted.

Seeing other people have what I so desired for myself was tough to bear at times, but I trusted my intuition that it was on its way and I will get it eventually. This however, is more than I expected because it is like I have no reason to hold myself back, the whole universe and then some is on my side wanting this for me as much as I am. I don’t have to question myself anymore or my intuition, I’m following my guidance perfectly and I’ll get to where I need to be in no time.

I can finally allow myself to have what I want, align with it and let the next steps reveal themselves without so much internal and external struggle.

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Wednesday, December 17, 2014

Vision 74: Expression

Upon waking up this morning, my mind was still obsessing over the choices, potential futures and different plans of action I could take.

The night before, I had an ah-ha moment that everything I was trying to do to try to escape my dysfunctional household was setting me back big time. It felt clear to me that the universe didn’t want me to look for a way out, but to go within and get creative. To start expressing myself, my dreams and what I want to happen, not to over think things and control everything.

I’ve been stressing hard over my own intuition vs. the urgency everyone else presents to me time and time again. I simply can’t fall in line with everyone else’s time line, when I do, I stress out and lose myself in it all. I’m completely out of my power when I’m in that mode so I’m worst off trying to do anything, even more so trying to fix “my whole life” in one day.

It’s very stressful and I don’t even know where one part starts or when one part ends, I just know that I want to crawl under a hole because I simply can’t do everything I think I need to do all at once. It’s very draining to say the least.

I noticed that even though I have been drawing more, I haven’t been connecting to my source, my lunar side nowhere near as much as I should. I’m not sure where my head has been, but it hasn’t been where it needed to be. Actually, I’ve been more concerned over my internal schedule of things to do, my to do list and simply trying to “keep up” with everything outside of me instead of actually following my intuition fully. I see where I’m stagnating on.

I’m not being open to my lunar side, trying new things, writing out my feelings daily, doing yoga, trying new creative products, breaking my norms, day dreaming and simply connecting to my spirit. What I’m doing is trying to connect to this artificial heart beat of the external world, trying to jump through as many hoops people provide me as possible and trying to “maintain” this false sense of “I got it together.” That is not me and I’m not in my most blissful allowing state in that mode either, it’s actually blocking me from what I really want.

Because again, I’m stuck on this notion that I have to have everything in its perfect place externally. I have to finish everything I started. I can’t move on till everything is where it “should” be, instead of following my gut that guides me to where I need to be and when I need to go. I don’t have to try so hard to maintain my external world, I need to learn to live in my internal world and let my reality change organically.
It’s a rough balance at times, and I naturally lean into my solar side despite my intuitive nature so I have to check myself often to know if I’m doing things because I’m guided by the universe or my own (and others) fear.

Right now the universe is guiding me to go downstream, let go of the oars and back to my intuitive self. It’s tough when everyone is insisting you to “be on the ball” but they don’t know me like my intuition, and they can’t see my bright future like my intuition so I owe it to myself to listen to the right guidance.

My lunar side, who I really am, my true connection to source and everything that I love, that is what guides me and who I need to listen too.

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Tuesday, December 16, 2014

Vision 73: New Year Feelings

I feel rather confused right now. Sometimes it feels as if I’m demanding way more out of myself than what I can actually produce.

There are so many things I want to do and I’m thinking a lot about the things I want to clear out before the year ends but I’m starting to stress myself out for really no reason. I have to calm down, even though the year is ending, my life isn’t perfect and won’t be magically perfect on the turn of the new year. No matter how much time and effort I try to put into “getting all my ducks in a row” life will always be a dynamic force, it simply doesn’t go by logic, the things we intend to “plan” in a way that seems right to us.

More often than not, I learned that what we see in our minds on the way things should be (or shouldn’t be) is rarely what we get “exactly,” life is so strange that we can trick ourselves out of anything we want because of this attachment to be right or perfect. For me, this year has provided a very important fact, I can’t know it all right in this red hot minute. In fact, the things that I need to do came right when I needed it, rarely I get the whole plan 2 weeks in advance.

Despite the readings I can do about the future, we’re in a present based world, if you’re not focus on the now, you’ll miss the opportunities; you can’t plan opportunities. It’s more of an art of being in the right place at the right time, and that happens when you’re not nitpicking a future event, trying to think it through as if it will go exactly as you imagine. When you just plan lightly and go for it, you’ll often get a lot more out of life and all of its offerings.

I admittedly haven’t been so keen on that wisdom lately with my roller coaster feelings dealing with the alcoholism in my family. I’m still trying to “fix” everything and trying to bang everything into place in my mind before I feel secure. Doing this is making me lose myself and what is really important in my own life, which is following my intuition and creative spirit.

I just get too sucked into my family’s negativity and unhappiness and not enough of my own well-being and life. It’s not worth getting so bent out of shape over everyone else’s failure to make themselves happy, because I’m not getting any benefits from it anyway.

Anyway, I think the point is that I’m obsessing over something that doesn’t matter that much which is trying to massively clear out everything to make my new year the perfect starting gate. I didn’t have that last year and my year went way better than I expected so I need to chill out. The most I really need to do, is simply list the things I want to focus my well-being on. In a lot of ways lately, I feel that I am going backwards, again trying to solve everything in a solar manner when I need to go within my lunar side where the real answers are.

I haven’t been connecting to that place for a while and it shows. It’s been a safe, nurturing place but I have forgotten to really connect and stay there. I’m becoming more hard, logical and action oriented all over again which isn’t my true place of power.

Writing this out really helped me sort out my feelings. Being able to write how I feel makes life a lot more manageable because I don’t have to hold everything in 24/7. I feel a lot better to move forward into the next year simply listing the things I want to come to life. Not try to fix everything on my own…

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Sunday, December 14, 2014

Vision 72: Clearing Ceremony

Last week was the first time that I held a clearing ceremony. Something that I thought would be too much trouble and work, I decided to throw into my normal routine after being guided to do so by a follow reader. I had to meditate on my issues that I wanted to clear, to really embody the energies that I wanted to be omitted.

It didn’t take much for me to get started, with my family’s drinking and all the dysfunction that I faced over the years, a lot of hurt and resentment hangs around me daily. This clearing ceremony, my focus was to move past my own very old feelings that I held towards my family for years, so that I can finally move on. It takes a lot to hold so much in but when you live with alcoholics life isn’t as simple nor so cut and dry. Everything is generally very confusing.

Anyway, when I wrote my letter to burn I realized a couple of things. First, my value is NOT based on my family or their choices. Deep inside for a very long time I thought that I had no real value because I had nothing to give. I couldn’t save my family or make things better so that showed who I was. But that is not true. I also realized earlier this year that my dad installed in me that I had very little value, and I was living off of that programing but I’ve been changing that around.

Second, my very own success, the success that only I have access too, has nothing to do with my family or background. For many years I assumed that for me to be successful I had to be “perfect,” I couldn’t have a dysfunctional family or at least live with one. But that isn’t true either. My success has nothing to do with my family or where I come from.

Third, trying to be Mr. Perfect and Right is stopping me from living my own life. When you live with alcoholism you’re bound to treat things in a very drastic manner because your whole life lives by that philosophy. When things are wrong and hurtful it truly takes a different form because this is your life constantly being disrupted, you have no real peace. And being the only one that doesn’t drink I put it on myself to right wrongs and make my family “better.” I assumed that I was the only one that can do this so much so that I started living in a very ridged manner.  Everything became very distorted. I knew what I wanted and I really knew about what I didn’t want. So I was very determined to eliminate any possible hiccups or obstacles towards my goal of perfection and escape this horrible family dynamic.

This caused me to be so hyper critical towards myself and others that I killed my own motivation to try to truly improve myself among other things.  I just didn’t hold a lot of compassion towards myself at the end of the day which made everything that much harder.

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Thursday, December 4, 2014

Vision 71: Listing Small Successes

raising your success vibration

With the New Year approaching, I’m thinking a lot about the past 12 months and what I want to do in the next 12. With this year almost over I’ve learned that my greatest joy is my art, drawing and design. It’s something that I want to fill my life with every day for the rest of my days. With this wonderful feeling inside, what I’m planning to do is raise my success vibration and energy so I can manifest my artistic dreams!

My First List of Small Successes

  • I’m starting to get how to shade a face realistically.
  • I'm believing I’m worth something after many years of not feeling that way.
  • I’m getting a lot better at drawing different faces.
  • I have a lot of inspiration lately!
  • I feel like drawing a lot.
  • I found an awesome movie that really inspired me, Big Hero Six!
  • Instead of making a necklace for my stone I just put it in my bra to receive the same benefits.
  • I’m learning that I can choose to make things easier for myself.
  • I’m seeing the opportunities and possibilities for my artistic success!
  • I’m drawing Hiro a lot which really makes me happy, I’m learning every day to stay focused on what makes me happy.

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Tuesday, December 2, 2014

Vision 70: Starting Something New

how to pursue your dreams

I’m afraid to start something new, to try something that is actually pretty good for me. But I’m afraid to start and see what happens. I’m afraid I’m not good enough, or people won’t care or want what I put out. I’m afraid of myself not really being who I am going towards what I’m being called to do.

It’s scary sometimes to want something so bad that you’ll actually self-sabotage every time you get close to it. You’ll pump yourself up, get excited, actually prepare, but once it’s time to make that jump… You’ll back out, make excuses and just flake out for whatever reason. I’m seeing and feeling that in myself right now.

I want to draw more, explore my artistic style, draw different things and start commissions but I’m having a moment. That moment when I look at what’s ahead and see potentially what I need or should do. I start overthinking it, trying to over plan, trying to make everything fit into place and once I’m in that space long enough, I decide that I’m not ready or I need more time and slowly go back into my cave. I guess when I put it that way, there isn’t much to be afraid of. I guess the thing I’m most afraid of is failing.

But if I don’t start at all then that is worse than failing, it’s me not even believing in myself enough to start. And I do believe I can do this and all the artistic pursuits I want to experience, I really do. I guess perfection is on my heels once again, wanting to prove something to all the invisible voices and people in my head… The funny part about that is I don’t need to prove anything, I don’t even need a good reason for starting to pursue my purpose and my bliss.

This is something I want because I want it, I’m not doing this solely for fame, fortune or popularity. Though I do recognize I want all of those things eventually from my purpose it’s not the reason I’m doing it. I’m doing it because I don’t know what’s going to happen, I just have this happy feeling in my stomach and this urge to get started. When I start thinking about all the right moves that I might need to make, that magic starts to disappear. It’s really not that fun anymore when I try to know what’s going to happen and how.

It’s not an adventure if there is certainty to it. What makes struggle a struggle is that you’re uncertain and unhappy about it, you don’t know what’s going to happen. But with an adventure, you’re uncertain but happy and excited about it because you don’t know what’s going to happen or what you’ll have to do to reach your goal. That is the difference between an adventure and a struggle.

That is what my guide said to me while I was on my walk yesterday, when he said it, it really captured me and the way I see things. The reason I’ve been exploring and taking more risks was for the adventure of it, not because I was certain of how it would go. In fact, it was the excitement of seeing how it will all fall into place and me simply experiencing the things that I wanted to do that made me do it in the first place.

This is really no different, it’s an exciting adventure that I’m being called to but if I’m not willing to just go and be happy and see how it goes, it’ll become a struggle. Even if it doesn’t work out the way I want it to, I’m not here to achieve a goal, but to experience life and there is no certainty in life so I minds enjoy the adventure of it all.

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