Sunday, December 21, 2014

Vision 76: Struggle

Learn to stop struggling LOA

Today during my walk, I had a really great conversation with my guide Joe. I was telling him how when I was younger, I wasn’t this over the top passionate go getter like I am now. It really put in perspective of how I naturally functioned as a child and what traits I’ve developed in my adult years.

When he heard about that, he probed and asked me more questions relating how I basically made goals (or lack thereof) and how I go after them. Having this conversation, I learned that my struggle, the same struggle I’ve been having in the last 5-6 years of trying to make a thriving business, be a great artist or whatever I wanted was because I didn’t want to struggle in life anymore.

When I was younger, I didn’t have the intense problem(s) as I do now, it didn’t push me to overcome them and make big goals to eliminate them. The things that I did for fun, I did for fun, I had no real goals to become the best, to have some huge destiny or have some huge influence over the world. Only till my later teens and eventually when I became a young adult, things changed. When the recession hit, while I just got into college, the threat of losing my home became the center fold of my life, even now. From what I thought then was my saving grace the book, Creating Money, came into my hands. That was my first book on Law of Attraction, and through that book I learned that I could create the life that I wanted.

From then on, my goal was to fix my (or really my family’s) life of struggle and to make a business that I loved. However, on the journey to do those things I picked up very unhealthy and damaging beliefs about who I should be to become successful. The traditional ways of business goes against my very nature, and quite frankly I learned to work hard at it. Nonetheless, it just kept me in the same situation for years.

As time went by and my dreams and desires changed, I noticed that the common denominator was that I wanted my intended result to stop my life of struggle. And trying so hard to succeed and noticing how I wasn’t or couldn’t get there kept me in struggle more, so then I only attracted struggle as a result. Which leads me to where I was (and on some level now), spinning my wheels not going anywhere.

I realized this afternoon, that it isn’t my issues (through it is a small part of it) that was the reason I haven’t succeed in the things I wanted, but my desired intention was impure. I wanted the success to save me from my problems and struggles (what I didn’t want), it was the message I was sending to the universe. I wasn’t doing it because I simply loved doing what I was doing. I wasn’t focus on how good it felt or the fact it will grow into something more (what I did want). I pushed myself very far in everything I thought would be the magic solution for me, that one thing that would make me rich or simply change my life of struggle. But that isn’t what I was sending to the universe, all I was sending was the fact I hated my life and how nothing worked out for me, then worked harder to fix it and the cycle continues.

I learned an important lesson today, I have no need to struggle if I just stop struggling. I don’t have to overcome lifelong afflictions, family drama and dysfunction to succeed. All I need is to focus on what I love and allow the universe to bring it to me. I don’t need to do anything extra to be in an allowing place, just practice the feeling of it.

It’s as if for a really long time I’ve been going up the same mountain over and over again in hopes to find my destination, when all I had to do is look at the map and follow its path. I have no need to struggle anymore. I have no need to beat myself up for not being a better person.

All I need to do is praise myself and what I love and focus on those things because it’s the reason I want to do anything, because it feels good, not because I want to stop what I don’t want.

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Saturday, December 20, 2014

Vision 75: End of an Era

how to move on from negativity

A few days ago, I just received the most amazing news I could ever hear! That indeed the universe and Archangel Michael has known my prayers and troubles and is making a way for me to finally leave a very toxic way of living.

I’ve been living in a household that is indeed very harmful in a lot of ways. Because of this, I’ve developed very dysfunctional ways of thinking and living. This toxic mindset has disabled me from truly accessing my power and what I really wanted for years. I didn’t believe I was worthy, I had to fix everyone around me, everything was my fault and if I can’t fix it then I was a bad person. This thinking has plagued me for most of my life. I didn’t allow myself to have good things, not really on a deep level.

It took me a long time to come to a place where I was willing to put everything around me on the back burner and make myself a real priority. But in doing that in 2014 I’ve regained and discovered parts of me I didn’t even know existed. Positive traits that I wanted to have but believed I truly lacked in myself.  Life was confusing for a long time but I’m happy to say, through my path of recovery, a lot of the fog has lifted.

Hearing this wonderful message from Clio, the reader that took my question, beyond spoke to me. It actually opened me up to speak my truth and be honest with myself. My struggle of following my intuition vs. the opinions of others was intense, I didn’t really know what was the right answer. Yet, somehow, following my intuition of asking about my life purpose in art, I got the answer to the question I always wanted to ask. This gave me permission to actually step forward to leave this toxic household and not feel bad for it. AAM let me know that I wasn’t a bad person and I was overdue to leave this situation for a long time now. The only thing that was stopping me was myself, and my own belief that I wasn’t worthy enough, strong enough or able enough to do it without the universe’s green light.

Even though I have gotten the green light, the real blessing is that I’m not a bad person for leaving, in fact, it is vital to my life purpose to do so. So I don’t have to feel bad anymore and block the next step to actually making it happen. I wanted this for so many years and without any improvement or promise of it happening I stopped asking and just accepted where I was. This was a good and bad thing at once, it was great because I wasn’t struggling to leave (at times) but at the same time, I was stuffing down my true desires and feeling bad for not getting what I really wanted.

Seeing other people have what I so desired for myself was tough to bear at times, but I trusted my intuition that it was on its way and I will get it eventually. This however, is more than I expected because it is like I have no reason to hold myself back, the whole universe and then some is on my side wanting this for me as much as I am. I don’t have to question myself anymore or my intuition, I’m following my guidance perfectly and I’ll get to where I need to be in no time.

I can finally allow myself to have what I want, align with it and let the next steps reveal themselves without so much internal and external struggle.

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Wednesday, December 17, 2014

Vision 74: Expression

Upon waking up this morning, my mind was still obsessing over the choices, potential futures and different plans of action I could take.

The night before, I had an ah-ha moment that everything I was trying to do to try to escape my dysfunctional household was setting me back big time. It felt clear to me that the universe didn’t want me to look for a way out, but to go within and get creative. To start expressing myself, my dreams and what I want to happen, not to over think things and control everything.

I’ve been stressing hard over my own intuition vs. the urgency everyone else presents to me time and time again. I simply can’t fall in line with everyone else’s time line, when I do, I stress out and lose myself in it all. I’m completely out of my power when I’m in that mode so I’m worst off trying to do anything, even more so trying to fix “my whole life” in one day.

It’s very stressful and I don’t even know where one part starts or when one part ends, I just know that I want to crawl under a hole because I simply can’t do everything I think I need to do all at once. It’s very draining to say the least.

I noticed that even though I have been drawing more, I haven’t been connecting to my source, my lunar side nowhere near as much as I should. I’m not sure where my head has been, but it hasn’t been where it needed to be. Actually, I’ve been more concerned over my internal schedule of things to do, my to do list and simply trying to “keep up” with everything outside of me instead of actually following my intuition fully. I see where I’m stagnating on.

I’m not being open to my lunar side, trying new things, writing out my feelings daily, doing yoga, trying new creative products, breaking my norms, day dreaming and simply connecting to my spirit. What I’m doing is trying to connect to this artificial heart beat of the external world, trying to jump through as many hoops people provide me as possible and trying to “maintain” this false sense of “I got it together.” That is not me and I’m not in my most blissful allowing state in that mode either, it’s actually blocking me from what I really want.

Because again, I’m stuck on this notion that I have to have everything in its perfect place externally. I have to finish everything I started. I can’t move on till everything is where it “should” be, instead of following my gut that guides me to where I need to be and when I need to go. I don’t have to try so hard to maintain my external world, I need to learn to live in my internal world and let my reality change organically.
It’s a rough balance at times, and I naturally lean into my solar side despite my intuitive nature so I have to check myself often to know if I’m doing things because I’m guided by the universe or my own (and others) fear.

Right now the universe is guiding me to go downstream, let go of the oars and back to my intuitive self. It’s tough when everyone is insisting you to “be on the ball” but they don’t know me like my intuition, and they can’t see my bright future like my intuition so I owe it to myself to listen to the right guidance.

My lunar side, who I really am, my true connection to source and everything that I love, that is what guides me and who I need to listen too.

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Tuesday, December 16, 2014

Vision 73: New Year Feelings

I feel rather confused right now. Sometimes it feels as if I’m demanding way more out of myself than what I can actually produce.

There are so many things I want to do and I’m thinking a lot about the things I want to clear out before the year ends but I’m starting to stress myself out for really no reason. I have to calm down, even though the year is ending, my life isn’t perfect and won’t be magically perfect on the turn of the new year. No matter how much time and effort I try to put into “getting all my ducks in a row” life will always be a dynamic force, it simply doesn’t go by logic, the things we intend to “plan” in a way that seems right to us.

More often than not, I learned that what we see in our minds on the way things should be (or shouldn’t be) is rarely what we get “exactly,” life is so strange that we can trick ourselves out of anything we want because of this attachment to be right or perfect. For me, this year has provided a very important fact, I can’t know it all right in this red hot minute. In fact, the things that I need to do came right when I needed it, rarely I get the whole plan 2 weeks in advance.

Despite the readings I can do about the future, we’re in a present based world, if you’re not focus on the now, you’ll miss the opportunities; you can’t plan opportunities. It’s more of an art of being in the right place at the right time, and that happens when you’re not nitpicking a future event, trying to think it through as if it will go exactly as you imagine. When you just plan lightly and go for it, you’ll often get a lot more out of life and all of its offerings.

I admittedly haven’t been so keen on that wisdom lately with my roller coaster feelings dealing with the alcoholism in my family. I’m still trying to “fix” everything and trying to bang everything into place in my mind before I feel secure. Doing this is making me lose myself and what is really important in my own life, which is following my intuition and creative spirit.

I just get too sucked into my family’s negativity and unhappiness and not enough of my own well-being and life. It’s not worth getting so bent out of shape over everyone else’s failure to make themselves happy, because I’m not getting any benefits from it anyway.

Anyway, I think the point is that I’m obsessing over something that doesn’t matter that much which is trying to massively clear out everything to make my new year the perfect starting gate. I didn’t have that last year and my year went way better than I expected so I need to chill out. The most I really need to do, is simply list the things I want to focus my well-being on. In a lot of ways lately, I feel that I am going backwards, again trying to solve everything in a solar manner when I need to go within my lunar side where the real answers are.

I haven’t been connecting to that place for a while and it shows. It’s been a safe, nurturing place but I have forgotten to really connect and stay there. I’m becoming more hard, logical and action oriented all over again which isn’t my true place of power.

Writing this out really helped me sort out my feelings. Being able to write how I feel makes life a lot more manageable because I don’t have to hold everything in 24/7. I feel a lot better to move forward into the next year simply listing the things I want to come to life. Not try to fix everything on my own…

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Sunday, December 14, 2014

Vision 72: Clearing Ceremony

Last week was the first time that I held a clearing ceremony. Something that I thought would be too much trouble and work, I decided to throw into my normal routine after being guided to do so by a follow reader. I had to meditate on my issues that I wanted to clear, to really embody the energies that I wanted to be omitted.

It didn’t take much for me to get started, with my family’s drinking and all the dysfunction that I faced over the years, a lot of hurt and resentment hangs around me daily. This clearing ceremony, my focus was to move past my own very old feelings that I held towards my family for years, so that I can finally move on. It takes a lot to hold so much in but when you live with alcoholics life isn’t as simple nor so cut and dry. Everything is generally very confusing.

Anyway, when I wrote my letter to burn I realized a couple of things. First, my value is NOT based on my family or their choices. Deep inside for a very long time I thought that I had no real value because I had nothing to give. I couldn’t save my family or make things better so that showed who I was. But that is not true. I also realized earlier this year that my dad installed in me that I had very little value, and I was living off of that programing but I’ve been changing that around.

Second, my very own success, the success that only I have access too, has nothing to do with my family or background. For many years I assumed that for me to be successful I had to be “perfect,” I couldn’t have a dysfunctional family or at least live with one. But that isn’t true either. My success has nothing to do with my family or where I come from.

Third, trying to be Mr. Perfect and Right is stopping me from living my own life. When you live with alcoholism you’re bound to treat things in a very drastic manner because your whole life lives by that philosophy. When things are wrong and hurtful it truly takes a different form because this is your life constantly being disrupted, you have no real peace. And being the only one that doesn’t drink I put it on myself to right wrongs and make my family “better.” I assumed that I was the only one that can do this so much so that I started living in a very ridged manner.  Everything became very distorted. I knew what I wanted and I really knew about what I didn’t want. So I was very determined to eliminate any possible hiccups or obstacles towards my goal of perfection and escape this horrible family dynamic.

This caused me to be so hyper critical towards myself and others that I killed my own motivation to try to truly improve myself among other things.  I just didn’t hold a lot of compassion towards myself at the end of the day which made everything that much harder.

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Thursday, December 4, 2014

Vision 71: Listing Small Successes

raising your success vibration

With the New Year approaching, I’m thinking a lot about the past 12 months and what I want to do in the next 12. With this year almost over I’ve learned that my greatest joy is my art, drawing and design. It’s something that I want to fill my life with every day for the rest of my days. With this wonderful feeling inside, what I’m planning to do is raise my success vibration and energy so I can manifest my artistic dreams!

My First List of Small Successes

  • I’m starting to get how to shade a face realistically.
  • I'm believing I’m worth something after many years of not feeling that way.
  • I’m getting a lot better at drawing different faces.
  • I have a lot of inspiration lately!
  • I feel like drawing a lot.
  • I found an awesome movie that really inspired me, Big Hero Six!
  • Instead of making a necklace for my stone I just put it in my bra to receive the same benefits.
  • I’m learning that I can choose to make things easier for myself.
  • I’m seeing the opportunities and possibilities for my artistic success!
  • I’m drawing Hiro a lot which really makes me happy, I’m learning every day to stay focused on what makes me happy.

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Tuesday, December 2, 2014

Vision 70: Starting Something New

how to pursue your dreams

I’m afraid to start something new, to try something that is actually pretty good for me. But I’m afraid to start and see what happens. I’m afraid I’m not good enough, or people won’t care or want what I put out. I’m afraid of myself not really being who I am going towards what I’m being called to do.

It’s scary sometimes to want something so bad that you’ll actually self-sabotage every time you get close to it. You’ll pump yourself up, get excited, actually prepare, but once it’s time to make that jump… You’ll back out, make excuses and just flake out for whatever reason. I’m seeing and feeling that in myself right now.

I want to draw more, explore my artistic style, draw different things and start commissions but I’m having a moment. That moment when I look at what’s ahead and see potentially what I need or should do. I start overthinking it, trying to over plan, trying to make everything fit into place and once I’m in that space long enough, I decide that I’m not ready or I need more time and slowly go back into my cave. I guess when I put it that way, there isn’t much to be afraid of. I guess the thing I’m most afraid of is failing.

But if I don’t start at all then that is worse than failing, it’s me not even believing in myself enough to start. And I do believe I can do this and all the artistic pursuits I want to experience, I really do. I guess perfection is on my heels once again, wanting to prove something to all the invisible voices and people in my head… The funny part about that is I don’t need to prove anything, I don’t even need a good reason for starting to pursue my purpose and my bliss.

This is something I want because I want it, I’m not doing this solely for fame, fortune or popularity. Though I do recognize I want all of those things eventually from my purpose it’s not the reason I’m doing it. I’m doing it because I don’t know what’s going to happen, I just have this happy feeling in my stomach and this urge to get started. When I start thinking about all the right moves that I might need to make, that magic starts to disappear. It’s really not that fun anymore when I try to know what’s going to happen and how.

It’s not an adventure if there is certainty to it. What makes struggle a struggle is that you’re uncertain and unhappy about it, you don’t know what’s going to happen. But with an adventure, you’re uncertain but happy and excited about it because you don’t know what’s going to happen or what you’ll have to do to reach your goal. That is the difference between an adventure and a struggle.

That is what my guide said to me while I was on my walk yesterday, when he said it, it really captured me and the way I see things. The reason I’ve been exploring and taking more risks was for the adventure of it, not because I was certain of how it would go. In fact, it was the excitement of seeing how it will all fall into place and me simply experiencing the things that I wanted to do that made me do it in the first place.

This is really no different, it’s an exciting adventure that I’m being called to but if I’m not willing to just go and be happy and see how it goes, it’ll become a struggle. Even if it doesn’t work out the way I want it to, I’m not here to achieve a goal, but to experience life and there is no certainty in life so I minds enjoy the adventure of it all.

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Sunday, November 30, 2014

Vision 69: Big Hero Six

fandom big hiro 6

Last week I saw the movie Big Hero Six and I freak’n adored that movie so much along with Hiro and Baymax. I feel the movie gave me a really important gift of artistic inspiration, fun and a huge boost of imagination. Ever since I saw the movie I couldn’t really stop thinking about it. The setting was a unique blend of San Fran and Tokyo, I love Hiro’s friends and the relationship that Hiro had with Baymax.

There is something about relationships involving humans and robots that I can’t get enough of. Maybe it’s because robots don’t have emotions yet, this unspoken affection can still be felt. Or something that supposed to be cold and monotone is lovable, approachable and even funny. Maybe I just like movies, shows or whatever about a being, robot or not, learning about the real world. I can even go as far as to say I somewhat identify with it because often times I still feel like I’m trying to figure the world (and more so my society) out sometimes.

Either way, it really gave me that gentle boost to pick up the pencil (mostly tablet pen) and start drawing how I was feeling inside my head. It felt so natural I was starting to think that maybe I won’t backslide on my drawing anymore, that maybe this is the one fandom or muse that will bring me to where I was as far as drawing habits.

I think it is and I’m feeling really good about it (for the first time ever I’m looking up headcannons for a movie). I even drew Hiro (he’s so damn cute) yesterday and I’m really proud of what I made. It’s simple, was fun to do and I didn’t struggle a whole lot. It was to me how drawing is supposed to be, fun and lighthearted because if it’s not fun then we shouldn’t be doing it.

I even felt content, happy and in the present enjoying myself doing two things I really love, drawing and listening to music. It was the feeling place and experience I needed to let me know how I want most of my life to go. The feeling I want to have most of all.

And it felt really good…

This is what I have so far in my Hiro picture

big hero six fan art

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Friday, November 21, 2014

Vision 68: Resentment

resent family alcoholic emotions

We often think by being spiritual we have to have an “enlightened” outlook on everything. That we must show the world love and peace at every moment. That when things get tough, we must show resilience and faith no matter what.

When it comes to my family, my thoughts isn’t exactly that. I’m fearful a lot, paranoid, nervous, anxious and stubbornly unloving. I noticed that in my countless attempts to “love” my family in their drunken state, I end up in the world of feeling guilty and like a bad person. I feel like a bad person because of this unspoken rule that spiritual people must take higher ground and pretend that the world around them isn’t as hurtful or painful to them as the average person. Of course right? I’m spiritual, so that means this “earthy” stuff doesn’t matter and I can just simply love and light my way out of everything and not feel bad.

That is so far from the truth it’s not even funny…

This is a myth, a fantasy even to any person that wants to find everlasting peace. To be in peace and have nothing disturb that no matter what. But the truth is that I’m hurting… A lot in fact, and by trying to “love” what my family continues to do that causes me seemingly endless pain is making me feel crazy.

Crazy in the sense that I am hurting, feel unheard in it and somehow I have to pretend like it doesn’t exist. Because I have to be strong and whatever, yet I feel a whole different kind of pain from that too. That feeling angry, resentful, pissed the fuck off and hateful is wrong and “inappropriate” for a person like me, because I am so loving and “spiritual.” I tell myself a lot that being spiritual has nothing do with how I feel, but what I believe in and my view of the world, but I’m not walking that talk.

I beat up on myself a lot just for feeling anger and resentment, but that does nothing to change anything especially in myself.

So I decided to just hate, be resentful and simply not love them in their drunken state (or whenever they are being assholes). Trying to love my way out of this causes me more pain because I’m ignoring my own REAL AND TRUE emotions. I don’t feel heard when I feel pressured to do just “love” my way out of a situation or my feelings. It’s unrealistic and even harmful…

I simply can’t love them the way they act sometimes, that’s as honest as it gets. I love them when they’re sober and I hate them when they’re drunk, and that feels way better than pretending that I’m not dying inside every other day when I have to deal with it.

Sometimes the best way to get through a bad situation is to just to get through it, because let’s face it, trying to go around the mountain might take a lot longer than just facing it head on and being done with it. Not to say that struggle should be the road we take always (quite the opposite) but it’s easier to be honest with yourself. Feeling the way I feel, validating my emotions by accepting them, letting them process and leave on their own as opposed to stuffing them down or throwing rosy bullshit on top of them feels good to me.

This by no means that I’ll someday love my family when they're drunk even after these feelings are gone, but it does gives me the freedom to not be held back by them (my emotions) because of my family’s shitty choices for themselves.

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Monday, November 17, 2014

Vision 67: The Top Three Fears a Lightworker Must Face to Change The World

life purpose lightworker fears

I am what you call a lightworker, and to me, a lightworker is simply a person that has an innate passion and purpose to make a better, thriving planet.

From my teen years in high school, enmeshed in my spiritual and psychic arts, I often wondered about my purpose and “what was the point” of me being so passionate about learning it. Deep inside I knew there was something special I was meant to do, because it didn’t make sense for me to have this passion without it being a part of something bigger that I would use it for.

A few years later, when I discovered my channeling ability I asked my guide “What is my purpose?” It was the burning question I’ve been wanting to ask for many many years, however I wasn’t ready for the answer. My guide told me that my purpose was to change the world and even though it felt like my feelings were confirmed about having something special to do on this planet, fear fogged my vision on how to exactly do that.

It took me about 6 six years to not just deal with my fears about my life purpose but to accept this special task I know I chose to do before I got here on this planet.

So I want to talk about this for other lightworkers, game changers, misfits, non-conformists, healers or any person that might be dealing with the major fears that come with facing your special mission and purpose on this planet.

So let’s begin on the top three fears a lightworker must face before they can “truly” change the world!

Am I Qualified?

This is something that all people, lightworker or not face when it comes to doing something they are passionate about. More often than not, we DON’T feel qualified for our life purpose and to change the world. We hold such high visions on what life should be for us and the planet, it seems like a huge stretch to make it happen. It seems like we must do everything “right now” to get it all done, which is often stressful and nerve-wracking for sensitive people. Even more so, other people around you might not “get it” either which compounds the feelings of not being qualified, supported or being able to do it.

Being qualified has nothing to do with being able to do everything in this red hot minute, or to prove a point, but being able to step on your path despite feeling unqualified and knowing that the path will unfold underneath your feet along the way.

It's probable you'll have no idea what the road will look like. You don’t know the journey you’ll have to take, the people you will meet and the smaller tasks you will take on before you’ll reach your destination. But that is the point, your life purpose has nothing to do with reaching a certain point in your life, it’s happening now, right at this moment. So there is no need to over prepare or to feel “qualified” first before you go and change the planet for the better. Your power comes from the present moment, your life purpose is happening now and if you’re not doing it now, then it’s not unfolding now. You don’t have to have anyone’s permission, say so, or a piece of paper to start doing it, just do it and I promise you, you’ll be guided to everything you’ll need, right when you need it.

Being Powerful

This is a huge one, a fear that I know all lightworkers face at some point. I feared power because I thought it was abusive and immoral based on my past experiences. I didn’t want to hurt people so I didn’t want to be powerful, this caused me to always downplay myself and my talents for many years. The catch is that no one benefits from that thinking, I can’t make the difference I want to make if I don’t access the true power inside me to do it. Other people won’t be moved or as greatly effected either because I chose to give up my power. In fact, I’m more likely to attract “powerful” people that will take advantage and use me because of that subconscious belief which makes me feel weak and defeated as if I never had power to begin with.

However, I learned that true power isn’t physical or aggressive, it’s an energy and spirit that can be felt by words, intention, compassion and even a gentle touch or expression. It’s a knowing and convection that stands the test of time that no matter what, you stand for what you believe in. That type of energy moves mountains, an abusive power can only move one person.

Rejection and Loss

This comes with being powerful as well, being rejected by others, singled out, ridiculed, being envied or jealous of. We fear that if we’re “powerful” people won’t love us, we’ll be so strong that we’ll somehow push others away, as well as be the target for envious people to “steal our light.”

This is an all too common fear that is linked to scarcity thinking, as if we were to become more aligned to who we are then what we have will leave us. The long and short of it is that, yes, people are easily threaten by those that are more powerful, but on the other side of the coin there are so many others that just as easily will love you BECAUSE you are being authentic. And yes, things will change because you’re accessing your true strength, you just won’t live life the same way when you’re in tune with your personal power.

With that being said, you simply can’t expect to fully express your purpose, to heal others, be a brilliant way shower or effect people in a great way without tapping into your true power and grace. You just won’t have that effect because your strength will be the very thing that will move people to change, tears and to their own power and light.

Love is much more powerful than fear, when you’re healing the planet feeling and knowing love in your being, it’s easy, but if you have to push through fear it will be a bumpy and rough ride. Fear of any kind only weighs you down and limits your power as who you are.

To be powerful requires a decision to be powerful despite the risks. Just like you chose to not be powerful, it’s a choice that you make every day in every moment of time to be the core opposite.

Ending Thoughts

At the end of the day you do have a special purpose but it requires your love, power and strength to carry it out because you chose to do this and you knew that you had all the power in the world and then some to achieve it. So let’s stop playing pretend and entertaining other’s visions of who you should be, start working with the truth and deal with these fears so you can finally be who you are and change the world as you intended!

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Friday, November 14, 2014

Vision 66: Secret Princess

powerful light worker life purpose

It’s been a lovely few days since getting my internet back, I’ve been feeling a lot better about myself and in my flow again. However, in my time of not having internet a lot of things from my past life have been coming up.

I’ve never considered myself a princess yet, in the last few weeks that very title have been coming into my awareness. What really added to this is when old past life memories in Kyoto came up out of nowhere, where I was a complete mess after watching a short program about the Aoi Matsuri festival. Kyoto, even though I always felt a resonance about the place, I never felt nowhere near as emotional as I’ve have been about it in the last month or two. Not only that, but I was drawn to the manga Gate 7 that took place in Kyoto where the main character too, was always drawn to the beautiful location.

I did a reading about this whole “princess” thing and it brought up a lot of fear. Fear of being noticed, being powerful, being rejected, seen as superior and better than others. I always had this push and pull energy with power, I heard that it was okay to be powerful yet, I was afraid of it because of what power does to people. People with “power” hurt others especially physically, I didn’t want to be like that so I didn’t want to be powerful. It make sense when I write it out to myself. Why would I choose power if I know so much about how it hurts people, how it hurt me time and time again? I’m not a bad person and I don’t want to be associated with anything that “bad people” are so of course I would push it away when it comes up.

But I realized during the reading, while I was talking about my feelings about the word power, it had nothing to do with physical power. It had nothing to do with “having the power” to hurt or put fear in others, it had nothing to do with not being your true self. Power and that energy is about your inner strength and conviction, it’s a spiritual power that has nothing to do about how much you can bench-press but how you affect others through your words, gentle touch and spirit. It’s like I never considered that other side of power before, but when I let myself open up enough, the wisdom came through. I had no reason to fear my own power anymore, though I still have deep rooted limited beliefs to work through.

Whenever the angels or spirit would tell me how powerful I am and how my purpose was special I would shrink in dread. “Please don’t tell me that! I just want to be normal, I don’t want a special purpose or be powerful. I don’t want to be better than other people” But the angels never suggested that, all they did was show me the truth. I am powerful, in a sense that I can change my life in a huge way, I can be myself and proud and affect people with that very power. I’ve seen it happen throughout my life yet I don’t want to take true “credit.” In fact, I feel uneasy that I have that great of effect on others.

Simply put, I learned that being a “princess,” having an important purpose, and being powerful isn’t about what I always assumed. It’s a much lighter, loving and embracing energy that I’m blessed to have and to have that power to gift people in many ways. My fears on power or sticking out was because it was founded on how other powerful, loving and good meaning people got ridiculed, teased, beaten and even killed for it.

No one wants that.

At the same time I have to let go of this fear because not accepting this in myself isn’t being who I really am, and being powerful doesn’t mean death, there are plenty of love and thankfulness that goes out to powerful people because they are who they are.

Life isn’t a competition, I don’t have to prove or convince anyone of anything and I surely don’t have to hide myself because of what other people might think of me. It’s easy to blame and hate people with power (good or bad) because they do a great deal of change, but it takes so much strength, energy and time to become one and create change yourself.

That is what separates people that change the world, and people that don’t. That decision to access their own power and not be held back by those that think they shouldn’t be who they are, or to stand up for what they believe in.

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Saturday, November 8, 2014

Vision 65: What I Love About Myself

self love blog

I’m Lovable

I love myself and loving more of who I am. People love me for me but even more so I’m learning to finally love myself. I love that I’m lovable and I love myself so much that I’m willing to do what it takes to make myself happy. I love that I’m loveable because it makes my life easier and I can do things for myself without feeling bad. I’m loveable because I’m sweet, kind and caring and people want to be around that. It’s something I want more out of myself, more kindness for myself from myself.

I’m loveable and that is what I love about me!

I’m Intuitive and Psychic

I love my psychic abilities because it’s something that I wanted since I was a very young girl; to just know things. Through a lot of trial and error and living my life through the lens of the intuitive world I got that and more.

I did something for myself that I really wanted and owned it, so much so that I forgot that this was a conscious choice to lead a psychic life more than I was blessed with fully opened gifts and learning how to deal with them. I love my intuitive self, I love how I can pick up on things, I love that I can know what it is that is really going on around me. I love that I can also help other people find their way through my gifts.

I love how dedicated I am to my own improvement and development of my abilities. I love that everyday I’m finding more ways to include my gifts in everyday life, even make a business out of my talents! It feels good to be me with these gifts and also to share them with others!

 I’m Have Big Dreams to be a Video Game Concept Art Director

I love that I knew my dreams since I was young. I knew that I wanted to be a video game designer and I’m even more thrilled that my dream got even more specific! I love drawing and I love video games. I love storytelling and I want to be a big part of the video game development process. I want to help create the worlds that the story will be setting in, and help the character build his own adventure through my worlds.

I love telling a great story and I love knowing that I can create worlds through my own artistic talents. What I love about me knowing my dreams is that I know who I really am. I love knowing me as that person with big dreams and is willing to omit everything that isn’t serving me to reach that place. I also love being able to create what I want in the present time instead of waiting for that magical moment to happen!

I’m Creative and Whimsical

What I love about myself is that I’m very whimsical, I don’t think like most people. I love that about myself because it gives me that extra edge that most people like to reach for, yet it comes naturally to me. I love being a part of the cutting edge even though it can be scary and uncertain.

I love knowing that my ideas, dreams, and what I think about the world is truly meaningful and changes my life for the better. I love that I can take these ideas and make them real, I love that I have the power and know how to do it easily. I’m so connected and tapped into the source of all things that it’s sometimes scary how things come about in my life. But I wouldn’t change it for anything in the world because that is who I am. I love creating the new, the cutting edge, the different and exciting!

I love my love for the whimsical, different and creative the forces I’m made of!  

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Friday, September 5, 2014

Vision 64: I Was Meant to be Different

I was meant for newness and adventure, to create what was never been before. I thought that I wanted to create what was already here but in a more harmonious way, but I was wrong. What I really want and desire in my soul is to experience new things.

I realized that when I was guided to listen to my life purpose session. When George and I was talking about the themes that all of my enjoyable memories and experiences were, it was all about imagination, creation and new worlds. That is when I knew, something inside just knew that what I was chasing before wasn’t what I really wanted. What I really want is the newness of life and the journeys I desire is to have as many new experiences as possible.

It also explains why I couldn’t get my drawing life back into place because I was trying to do the same thing as what was currently popular. As much as I like it, it’s not the subjects I want to draw, I want to create what I really want but was afraid to for a long time.

This realization of creating and experiencing new ways of being made my life even more simpler to understand. From myself as a person to what I create and put out into the world. The difference between now and then, is that I thought I was supposed to make what was already here more pleasant. As if I’m taking what the world already had when I was born and turn it into something that I enjoy. But I was mistaken, doing that in many different ways made me depressed because I felt that I wasn’t being all of who I am, I wasn’t really creating something new. I was just doing what everyone else wanted me to do.

However, in the times where I let my creativity free (more so when I was growing up) I notice that I would put things together that didn’t really make sense or belong, somehow doing things “my way” always made me feel like a true creator and an artist. Being an artist is not making a picture pretty for me, it’s accessing that core part of you that knows all and spreading that out in a way that makes sense to the artist themselves.

That is what I was missing, I was so hung up on what everyone else was already doing, and insisted on doing things in everyone else’s way that I truly lost myself. Being an individual is tough because we’re not taught to be truly ourselves. We can have a personality on some level but we’re expected to do things like everyone else. That is the biggest problem I have in life.

I don’t like doing things that is expected, in fact I was meant to stick out and be different. As much as I love to be different, it’s a really tough job to do because you face a lot of adversity and self-doubt. This self-doubt has prevented me from showing my own greatness for many years, and often clouded my true path. Which is one of the major reasons why I floundered in life for many years.

But seeing the true reason (or one of) why I’m on this planet and one of the major reasons why my life always seems to be a battle within my heart, I know what to do and expect. I know now there is nothing wrong with me, I was just blessed with this energy that isn’t meant to blend in with what’s normal. There isn’t anything wrong with the way I do things, I just have to trust that my way will take me to where I need to go. There is nothing wrong with my life, I was just mislead to think that my life is supposed to look a certain way.

One of the biggest blessings I’ve gotten this year (and I had a lot) is knowing that being different is my way of life, not because I “chose it” but because “I am it.” And no matter how much I try to fool myself or others my difference and rebellious nature will take over, showing me that I’m not being who I really am, but being what I think I have to be to “fit in.” Thank god however, that isn’t the reason why I’m here.

I’m here to blaze trails and possibly raise hell in places that people would least expect, but at least I know what I’m doing and why, it makes my life that much easier.

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Thursday, September 4, 2014

Vision 63: The Power Inside Me

power spiritual enegry

I’ve been finding my power in a lot of ways this year, but one has caught me off guard. It’s that wild and instinctual spirit inside me. The one that everyone told me to avoid, to not engage in and to resist to stay pure and innocent.

The funny part about that is this power greeted me. I didn’t want to interact with it because of my own beliefs about it. Most of which was from society and what I learned about power growing up. I thought it was dangerous, that my earthy and animalistic side to me was something I had to overcome. It was lower, not worthy and had nothing good to give. Yet, I found so much love, true love for myself that I never felt before in my life. It’s not just the self-love that I’ve grown from this place that surprises me the most, but the cleansing effect it gives my life.

So much of my past, old energies and just limited beliefs where held up inside me, just sitting there. But once I finally stop resisting my own power, and finally engage with what the universe had graciously given me, the power to heal very old wounds came about. I felt so good dancing with this partner of mine.

She is so beautiful, wise and mysterious. She came to me in my most private moments, just waiting for me. As shocking as it was, I listen to what she had to say and good god was it amazing. I wish I wrote down everything she said but she told me truths about the real power that I had and how important for those powers to run free. Power like this can’t be resisted forever, it’s a divine gift that was meant to be experienced by those that are ready. And as much as I want to deny it, I was ready. That potential was always there, I was just mislead by the world about my own source of power.

I can’t explain everything in such a short amount of words of how I feel about this part of myself but I know that this is something I had no idea was waiting for me. Just to feel this surging power flow throughout my being is more than I can take sometimes. It makes me wonder why the world wanted to hide this away from me? As if they were protecting me from danger?

The most dangerous thing to do is hiding this in the first place, making me think that my own divinity is something to be ashamed of. It can be considered unholy by those that see others abuse this power but why damn the whole concept when a few others took it for granted. Moreover, I can understand why this power was “hidden” from the conscious eye. If everyone had access and can control their own power, this world would be a much different place.

We wouldn’t walk around expecting others to give to us what we can only give to ourselves. We wouldn’t be so quick to give our everything to everyone, and we would be a lot more powerful physically, mentally, emotionally and spiritually. That is what my wild and fearless spirit is trying to tell me, I have all these gifts but they are hidden by the limited beliefs of my own culture and species. I have to explore these magical places within myself and embrace my own being along with them.

She taught me that in this unique journey, there is nothing to be afraid of in this “dark” place that people told me about. It’s safe, nurturing, grounding and magical. It’s nothing what people have been telling me for years.

It’s much more powerful than that, and it’s something that I have complete access and control of. Which scares the absolute shit out of people, and why they choose to hide it in the first place.

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Thursday, August 21, 2014

Vision 62: Emotional Mood Manager

emotional EFT work experience

I just did some EFT work and I feel so amazing. For a long time now, slowly, I was building up a really frustrated energy inside myself. Energy of resentment, anger, frustration and just suckiness. I was feeling this way because I felt I was responsible for my family’s feelings and moods. When they were angry about something it was my job to fix it somehow. I was following the role of the “good girl,” the one that would try to fix everything and make everyone happy.

This year I'm currently doing a lot of work on myself to keep my focus OFF of them and onto myself and my life, but gradually, that focus became bigger and bigger once again. In fact, a lot of my old isms came back across the board. I wasn’t happy with myself being an artist because I was a “failure,” I’m trying to make a program but I’m focused on making it perfect. I’m wanting more money and change because I want to escape my (drunken) family life. All of my actions and reactions is based on old fears and programming, and a lot of what I was doing to ease them was either making me resist it more, or just not working as effectively. It was just a struggle.

But this morning, a lot of that anger starting to bubble up despite my calm morning, I just couldn’t help it. After hearing my sister giving her puppy away to the SPCA in a few days, her crying, her woes and how everything is “fucked up” in the last few weeks I just wanted to scream. Again, it felt like I wanted to jump in and save her from herself, to make her happy (or shut up) and manage her emotions. Yet, I’m really bad at it, I can barely manage my own sometimes, yet I expect to get the job done for my own family, it’s insane! I do things in hope that it would make things better yet nothing changes, she still drinks, get upset and not really change her life, she just flounders, thus my resentment grows.

I was so angry and resentful for my family not changing when I’m doing so much in my own life, I didn’t know what to do. I want them to change to make my own life better, I want them to change for me more than for themselves, I’m selfishly caring about my own emotions more and more. I want my life to be awesome and great and I feel that they are shitting all over it. I know that is not true, are lives is our own but again the old isms were back in full swing. I wanted and did blame them for my life’s short comings, and in trying to change them without any luck I starting to resent them for it. Not good.

So in my round of EFT, I discovered I was again still playing the role of the emotional mood manager, and come to find out I really suck at it! In fact, even if I was being paid for it, I would get fired on the spot! It’s nearly impossible to make someone happy no more than it is to take control and make their whole life a happy one! I just don’t have the tools, power or know how to do that sort of work. I wasn’t made for the job at all.

However, I am made for my own purpose of joy, love, creativity and freedom. I have everything and more to not only do a good job but to spread it to others through my wake! Yet, I can’t even come close to do that because of the same job and title I keep playing out. So I decided to quit that job as the emotional mood manager and finally take up my inborn role and purpose in joy! And gosh does that feel good!

After that round of EFT (and clearing out that role out of my body, DNA and energy bodies) I felt a “cleansing” in myself as if I really did clear out that role! Even hearing my sister having a hard time I didn’t feel that “ting” to want to jump in and save her! I felt completely fine, and even better, I felt super happy remembering my true purpose in joy in spite of it!

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Sunday, August 17, 2014

Vision 61: Feeling Like a Domesticated Human

I want to be free, I want to be free of the stresses that the modern life constantly inscribes us with. I want to be free of the pressures of trying to prove myself to everyone around me. I want to be free of the pressure of trying to look good and “happening” on the internet, constantly posting pictures and preaching about how good life is.

What’s the point of it all, it’s making less sense to me.

For some time now, I have been going outside in nature more. Enjoying the stillness and being-ness that we don’t experience in our homes. Everything is about the next job, school, goal, lover, child, success, failure, follower, plan, day, fashion, TV show and quite frankly shit I really don’t care about.

I have been indulging and wishing for so many things that has little to no real impact on my life that I’m convinced that the school system and society has domesticated my truly wild and free spirit.

To be honest, I want to live out in the wild, I want to experience what is it to be truly connected to the earth and others. I want to embrace myself as a child of the universe and stretch my skills and talents like I never have before. I want to shine, I want to be me, I just want way more than what I was taught in my life. Knowing who you are and knowing your true potential rather than living in the perspective of others, I see why young children are so disconnected from the “real world.” They haven’t been broken in yet to the beliefs and negative mindset that says “you have to do things in a certain way or you’re a failure, weirdo or unworthy.”

I hate so much that I let myself be brainwashed by my schooling, parents, peers, the media and every other influence that tries to keep me “in line,” to apparently keep me safe from harm. The biggest harm to me is losing your wild spirit to those that doesn’t know better. To stop shining because we were taught it’s wrong to show off, to stop feeling because “it’s weak,” to stop dreaming so big because it’s “unrealistic.” I’m tired of it all and the constant messages that says that you have to be a certain way because of your background, race, where you grew up in and just bullshit that doesn’t matter.

What I’m saying is I’m angry that I want way more than I think anyone around me could try to explain. I’m angry because I feel like I want to live in the woods, get a companion wolf and just live as who I really am. I’m angry because I love what I have and everything it has done for me, yet I so desperately want to move far away from it. As much as I love this life at this time period, I know it’s not me.

I’m not sure why, but I just feel it, that real shining part of myself that is connected to all things. It keeps nudging me to go outside, to eat more natural things, to run, jump and play with the animals, to forgo meaningless goals and get real and deep with what matters. It wants to be validated so bad but I’m resisting a lot by being angry. At how I’m not letting myself be who I really am, but blaming society and those around me that convinced me that I was a “civilized human.”

I don’t want to be a civilized human anymore, I feel like a caged animal and I feel so much power inside myself that wants to burst out it’s emotionally painful. I want to cry…

I want to be free, I want to travel the world, I want to dig my hands into the earth, I want to start praising the earth like my ancestors from the divine did. I feel like I never belonged in this planet in the first place, I feel like an adoptee, just dropped here to see how everything was doing.

I’m not going to lie, I don’t like it, where I am now, torn between who I knew myself as a “human” and the precious super powerful being that I know that I am. The pull is so strong now to just “be myself” that I can barely take it, and all I can do is get mad and angry so I can feel like someone is stopping me.

No one is stopping me but myself, and I have to get really honest with myself in this situation. Who do I want to be? What do I need to change to finally be on the road where I feel like myself? What do I need to cultivate in myself to make me feel like I’m not being brainwashed by the world? I have a lot of thinking to do, but that is just for me to keep myself in limbo, what I need to do is accept.

To accept I’m not what I think I always was and trust it, no matter what it may bring. I have to trust that wild spirit within me and follow it in the dark woods inside my soul, it knows what it’s talking about. I have to let go of the domesticated part of myself, and finally be the wild sunlit warrior that was always swimming within me.

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Tuesday, August 12, 2014

Vision 60: Al-anon

al-anon first experience meeting

Yesterday was my first Al-anon meeting. Something that I wanted to do for a very long time but after a lot of setbacks in the last week, I was finally able to go.

It was really scary, even though I was excited to go. I was fearful and didn’t know what to expect. I honestly wanted to keep a distance from everyone, I was emotionally and even spirituality separating myself from the group. After hearing everyone stories; however, I had the courage to share my own which wasn’t easy.

Within a few seconds I was crying really bad, it hurt so much to know how much my mom’s addiction has changed the person I thought I never was. It’s painful to know that your own family caused such a deep rift in yourself. It’s something that I’m honestly pissed about even though I want to forgive. I’m not sure if I’m in that place quite yet because I’m starting to feel more resentment than forgiveness these days.

I just want peace, I just want calm but that is nearly impossible being in a chaotic environment, the arguments, power struggles, pain, money issues and just the drinking itself takes away all of that, and it sucks. I don’t want to dive too deep into the negativity of this, but I am realizing that I’m way too accepting of the way things are. And I’ve been way too passive in the past towards action to change myself than to change others. The hardest part is always knowing that “this” might never change and if I don’t do something, I’m always going to be in it. That is what I resent the most, the fact that even though I have nothing to do with what goes wrong, I still stuffer none the less. I feel like it should be my family that should stuffer, or even more so. I want them to feel how I feel. To feel everything, every emotion, every pain, every bad thought, all of my internal struggles and feelings of being judged.

I hate that I have sat here and let myself be turned into a self-loathing being, hoping and wishing that someone somewhere will save me from all of this, or that my family will care enough to change. I feel so broken over that because it was the illusionary promise that was never kept. It was all a lie, and if I knew sooner I probably would of done something just as fast.

The meeting, even though it brought up a lot of pain and even more realization of the situation that I’m in, gave me a place where I can be honest with other people that understands how I feel. A part of me wanted to dismiss the whole thing thinking that our focus on the negativity will only keep me in struggle even longer, but that voice didn’t sound loving at all. It was myself wanting to isolate myself again and hope that I can make it without any help; that I wasn’t like them. I didn’t want to be like everyone else and was prone to pain like this. I wanted to be stronger than that, but that honesty got me nowhere, I’m in even more pain because of it.

I want to give this all that I got because I’ll never find that kind of support here. I also have to be really honest with myself and not give excuses on how I’m feeling and the impact my good meaning family does do to me. I have to think about myself very selfishly and give no explanation why. I have to keep moving forward and hope that things change even faster than I could imagine and even more so because I got more support to keep myself moving.

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Wednesday, August 6, 2014

Vision 59: Letting go

ex letting go anger

A few days ago, the universe made it pretty clear that I needed to let go of some old pains. The pain of my first relationship and how crossed I am about how it ended.

What was funny is how I was mentioning to the universe and the angels on how I was ready to finally let go of the animosity. During my way home the perfect neon sign of what I needed to do next came up.

The person that was selling watermelons in my neighborhood mentioned how he and his brother “liked” me (yuck, they were way too old for me) and asked me about my past relationship. I was taken aback because as soon as I sent that message out to the universe here it comes full power to conform what I just said. I honestly found it really annoying because I hate mentioning it or talking about what happened. I just want to forget it. If anyone has those memory eraser pills I need some right now.

But anyway, I knew I was annoyed because I hated the fact I still felt slighted that the ex just up and left without warning. I still want to break every bone in his face for the simple fact that I was wayyy to good for that type of treatment, plus I hate how much of a pussy he was about it. I really really hate cowards.

I was even more annoyed when the watermelon seller asked if I wasn’t looking for a relationship because of what happened and that I was “broken hearted”, UGH.

Broken hearted? Far from it, still angry? Yes… I honestly don’t care about the actual relationship, it was whatever especially being about 5 years ago, if I knew then what I know now I wouldn’t of dated him. However, I would of like to be spared the pain I went through of him up and leaving without notice. I just don’t understand people that do stupid shit like that. I could care or less if he wanted to continue the relationship, him leaving was a gift for me but I would like to have known without running around thinking he was dead or something. I felt that he took advantage of my kindness and I want to chop his dick off and feed it to my dog, basically. I honestly always wished the worst upon him.

What I hate the most about people is the stupid shit they get themselves into all the time, then blame the world for it. They are totally oblivious towards their own actions and simply go on to be ignorant and suck other people into it. I also hate when people take advantage of other’s kindness and I’m simply way too good for that and wish a whole world of hurt for the people that done that to me. It feels good to finally say that being that I was trying to up hold this “perfect” image in the past. I wish harm on people and it feels good, I know it does nothing for anyone (especially me) but expressing that does the world for me. Whatever bullshit that my ex encountered after the relationship he deserved it and I’m smiling happily because of it.

If it was anything that I really needed out of all this is not so much to “let go” but to be honest with myself and make my feelings valid because that is what I wasn’t doing. I was going off of the common belief that it was wrong to be angry at the past, you should forgive and all that spiritual blurb. As much as I wanted to do so, it wasn’t happening. I was (super) angry and I never fully processed that anger because I thought I had to forgive him and put some rosy feeling bullshit on top of everything. I don’t have to forgive him, I don’t have to be fake about it all and I can be angry all I want. I can take joy in his possible suffering and feel however the way I feel because I am human. I don’t want to pretend like it was all okay and I’m over it because of some social/spiritual expectations. I’m pissed and I’m happy to finally let myself be really pissed off without wanting to hide the fact that I am.

It feels good to finally be angry and not feel bad about it. It feels good to openly wish harm and not feel that I’m being a bad person. It feels good to finally be honest with myself without worrying what the world might think. It feels good to process this anger and just let it flow out instead of waiting for “forgiveness” to suddenly fix everything. And it feels REALLY good to not need to forgive the ex but forgive myself for not expressing my anger sooner and that the ex has nothing to do with me moving forward, this is all about me.

My life is good and it’s getting better and I have no time to waste on old shit heads who had no clue about how awesome I am. That doesn’t change my value and it surely doesn’t mean I can’t have a happy relationship if I choose to go into one, though I’m finding myself being more on the lithromantic scale.

In any case, I’m happy that I’m being honest with myself and finally taking the focus off of someone I couldn’t give a shit about to the most important person in my life, myself, and healing that person.

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Monday, August 4, 2014

Vision 58: Frustrated

frustrated anger calm peace

I haven’t been treating myself the best lately. I’ve been staying up too late and waking up so early that my body can’t keep up energy wise.

I always had a bad habit of not going to bed at a reasonable time but for some reason right now, I’m feeling it big time. I don’t enjoy waking up and I have no energy. I literally just want to go back to sleep no sooner I get up. This is a huge problem for me now because it’s feeding my anxiety and I’m completely at odds with it.

A part of me wants to get more sleep in the day, to relax more and let go while the more rigid part of me feels like I’m being lazy or unworthy because I need the extra rest. I even broke out of my rut by sleeping in and straying away from my normal routine last week but I’m dying to go back into it this week. I feel like a small child just wanting to be in the safety of his mother. And that’s what it boils down too, safety.

I don’t feel safe without knowing what to expect living here, I’ve always been that way. When I don’t have a routine I feel out of control, I feel like the world is going to spin out of orbit and anything that I want or desire will never come to me. I guess you can say I feel stuck indefinitely unless I move or do something. Honestly, thinking about it rationally it doesn’t make much sense, it’s just my mind saying that but that’s not what is actually happening. I think I’m like this because I don’t have much control over my family and they produce a lot of stress especially when they’re drinking.

Not too long ago I discovered that 80% of my issues and limited beliefs had stemmed from my family and a negative environment. It’s rare for me to get to the core of an issue of whatever I’m dealing with now that has something to do with something someone else did or said to me outside of my home. Everything starts here, at home and while I’m doing my best to reverse the effects of what it has done to me for years I still have pockets of struggle. I’m hoping my anxiety can ease and that my mind can rest without triggers that sends me back to my default mode. I love my family and appreciate whatever shitty path that it gave me but I’m frankly tired of it all. I’m tired of worrying, I’m tired of always looking behind me, I’m tired of being tired, I’m tired of being stressed because someone else is being stressed.

I long for solitude from it all and to be in my own energy. Most times I find the most calm when I’m by myself because I have no one else to worry about. Plus a lot of what goes on here is out of my control but I’m so hung up with trying to control myself in a way that makes everyone else happy that I simply fall into feelings of fear. Sometimes it feels like I’m on a roller coaster that I can’t get off of and I’m desperately trying my best to just find something I can hang on to.

I want to be content, I want to be okay with everything that is going on while maintaining my peace but I want to rip my skin off and jump outside my body. I’m dying for more peace and to be away from everything that stresses me out that has nothing to do with me. I’m tired of trying to be happy and serene when it feels like everything around me brings constant obstacles. I feel super frustrated and I don’t think I’ve been expressing those feelings enough lately, I’ve just been trying to “flow” with it all but I’m not saying what I truly feel so all that energy just stays locked within me.

Yes, I’m frustrated, I haven’t been sleeping like I should and I sometimes hate living with my family and wish to move so far away from here. I feel like I’m bitching over nothing but if I don’t have compassion for myself then it is no use to others either. My feelings are valid even if I’m saying them out of anger, I’m saying it because I’m angry and I’m angry because I haven’t been expressing myself because of the constant swinging of emotions I’ve been dealing with lately.

I just want to be at peace, I just want to be alone, I want to live alone where I’m never bothered by the constant bullshit. And I’m sick of judging myself for being frustrated and angry because I believe other people’s possible opinions of my own situation and circumstances is more valid than my own first hand experience. Again, more mental bullshit that is irrational but my brain is so quick to make it real so it feels like it’s happening when I’m completely fine. *sigh*

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Wednesday, July 30, 2014

Vision 57: Owning It

owning your life purpose

I feel good. I feel good because I’m not just finally owning my worth as a person, but I’m owning up to my purpose. For years I wanted to get back into drawing like I used to do, but somehow I would never fully commit myself to it. Honestly, all those times I did try I wasn’t really committed at all.

I wasn’t committed because I wasn’t doing it for me. I was doing it because it felt like an obligation.

I had to be better, I had to start drawing again because if I didn’t, it would be a waste of talent, time and energy. It didn’t feel good at all, because I was making myself feel bad due to the lack of drawing I was doing. I’m seeing the reason for that a lot clearer now. It wasn’t because I stopped drawing as much, but I wasn’t valuing myself as I was. I felt that I, myself, as a person had no value but my talent in drawing did.

So I was trying to make myself draw so that I could feel valuable and that I had “something” to do and give in this world. My art then wasn’t about my own happiness but what I felt others saw in me. I didn’t feel good about myself, I blamed myself for a lot of things. A lot happened in the last five years and during that time all I did was make myself feel bad for not doing or being better, so of course everything I did was for me to make up for it all.

But my art was probably my biggest victim of all, I downgraded it to almost nothing so I barely had that, so when I tried to get back into drawing again, of course it didn’t feel right. I didn’t feel good enough to draw, it felt like a luxury to be drawing. I dared to have fun again doing something I love than slaving at a business, job or something else that only caused me suffering. It took a very long time for me to realize how much I degraded myself and my own worth and how that effected my artistic self. Granted, when I was drawing full-time I had a lot of issues that stemmed from the same thing, unworthiness, but this time instead of effecting what I drew, it simply started to wipe that part of me away. And I honestly had no idea what to do. I didn’t know what to think or how to fix it.

No matter how much I would try drawing on a normal basis it just didn’t stick, no matter how many ideas I had, how much confidence I had at the time, or motivation. I just couldn’t get myself to feel “good,” truly good in drawing again. I thought it was my lack of determination and other shit like that, but it was actually a very deep emotional call and innocence I wasn’t looking at. The value of being me, the value of being a person in this world, and just the value of existing and how much of a miracle I am. I didn’t think of myself as a miracle but a person that would try really hard but fuck up every time.

Because of that thought process, naturally I made drawing something that was too good for me. I knew how valuable it was and even made my art match the unworthiness I thought I was. I truly felt that I wasn’t good enough to draw and even if I did, my art wasn’t worth much as a result so of course no matter how hard I tried drawing and being an artist, it wouldn’t stick for me.

Even then, I knew how valuable my actual ability, talent and potential was. I knew deep inside that if I could connect with that spirit I would be unstoppable but knowing how great I could be in a place where I felt so low, I couldn’t see myself actually being that. It just didn’t make sense and I played out that exact role and didn’t own my purpose, my art, my creativity fully, my talents or my artistic abilities. I knew how much I could do but I was so convinced that I was nothing more than a failure I just let myself be that then challenge something that I was used too. Thank god though, I’m growing out of it.

After being reconnected fully to my life purpose and really making myself “see” it for what it is. I’m ready to own it. Full time, no bullshit;  let’s go to the moon, no rockets. I feel worthy now, I feel good enough to draw and own my artistic potential and then some. I want to do this, I feel it inside and it’s so different now than it ever was. I’m truly wanting and ready to own my purpose, my talent and what I’m made for in this world and I’m not willing for anyone, even myself to stop me. I’m ready, I’m willing and I’m doing it. I’m owning it…

I’m owning it now.

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