For the last few years I’ve been chasing this goal of having my own business in the intuitive arts. I’ve been doing oracle cards in those years but I wanted to do more with my talents than just the cards. When I finally had the courage to change my readings into something I was more passionate about, I felt that god damn forsaken feeling of letting it go again…
Once I settle into something for a short few months the universe suddenly wants me to jump ship and find something else to do. I’m really getting tired of the games, the chasing and the dreams of having some stability and security in something that I think could be my purpose.
It’s making me think that this huge topic of purpose is just something humans hang onto for the sake of direction in their lives, to feel like a bigger force is guiding them when in fact there is no such thing (as far as purpose is concerned) and we’re simply too complex to be truly free of will. Sounds a bit cynical and in this moment I am being quite cynical but when you’ve been chasing down, trying to find and live your purpose for about 10 years you stop taking it seriously.
I’m questioning it because for as long as I ever known it to be a life purpose and my passion to find and live mine, the universe, energies or whatever you want to call it always shifts it into something else. For many years I thought I found my purpose only to find it’s just a passing phrase or it's simply wasn’t it. Maybe I got a little piece of knowledge from said "purpose" but it’s not something I want to do anymore.
I don’t know what the fuck my purpose is, or at least how it’s supposed to look like or what the fuck I should do with it. And the fact I still want this outside force to suddenly gift me with “purpose” pisses me off even more. Why should I wait or even assume that it has to come in that type of package, what right does anyone or entity have to tell me that “this” is what I need to do.
All I want to do is be happy, secure and safe. I want to pick one thing and do that for a really long time. Sounds so fucking simple but once I’m a good distance into it, just enough to feel like “maybe this is what I’m meant to do” something changes. Either my passion dies out, my taste for what I’m doing goes elsewhere or I find something else that I think is my “real” purpose (thus the cycles repeats again). It just never lasts and at this point I’m tired of trying to “find” purpose in life when I’m already here living in the world.
I’m starting not to care about helping others (as a career) or finding some type of way to make the world a better place (we’re not here to fix a broken world anyway). A lot of it stems from this social belief that you have to be useful to others or to the world to be valued and at this point I’m trying to shift those beliefs because I don’t want my happiness to be dependent on others. I’m sure the world will manage anyway…
I’m just extremely frustrated over the one topic that’s been thrown in my face time and time again. And seeing other people living what they feel like is their purpose, living happily and just to me having it all makes me feel like I’m doing something wrong.
Why don’t I have a “thing,” why do I know my purpose but somehow it never shapes itself into something that lasts? Why do I even care, why is purpose so important? Is having and living through purpose an instinctual human thing or something constructed as we evolved to feel more useful (or otherwise)?
I don’t know, I don’t get it and I don’t know where I stand in it at this point…
