I’m supposed to be showing myself self-love, like the real self-love. Not the dressing up pretty and getting stuff kind of self-love, but the kind that you truly feel in yourself. But all I done since last night was judge and criticized myself and I hate it.
I hate that I can’t even treat myself to $11 dollars’ worth of CDs without feeling that I spent too much on myself. That I should of saved more money, or just spent my money more wisely. I can’t understand why I can’t justify getting something that I wanted without making myself feel guilty. Yet I can justify getting a $6 dollar ice cream cone which was in my mind, was totally worth it.
I thought that maybe I was getting ahead with this act of self-love but I’m seeing the real nasty stuff that I need to clean up. I’m still telling myself that I don’t need more, but just enough to get by. I’m still telling myself that if I hoard, guard against or keep at a distance what’s more than enough that means I’m a lot safer. I’m still telling myself that if I do too much with my money, spend too much or get things that I want to spend on it, when I don’t need too, people will judge me.
I’m starting to see the real roots of my insecurities, that same voice that keeps saying that I need to be humble and when a certain person or event comes around to tell me that I am worthy THEN I’ll be able to do whatever it is that I want to do.
It always boils down to staying on a certain level. To not get more than your “fair share” and to always give whatever extra you have to others. I’ve been in that mindset for most of my life and now that I’m starting to break out of it, or at least tell myself that it’s okay for me to have more, those old beliefs seemly got stronger. I’m still assuming that I’m not worthy because of some unseen force haven’t gifted me with it yet.
Sometimes society or just the way things are makes me sick. They tell you to follow the rules and to wait for some authority to give you a certain title before you’re worthy for more. You always have to achieve this, or have enough that before you’re good enough. You always have to be aware of others and put them first… And for what? For some worthless piece of shit prize of another person’s praises? For some random god to somehow grant you the life you “now” deserve. For your peers to look up to you as some type of pioneer or leader? It’s all bullshit, every single drop of it, and I’m so tired of thinking there is some invisible force, writing down all the things I could be doing wrong, waiting for the right moment to punish me.
Waiting for the right moment to snatch the rug right under me so I subconsciously keep myself from having life become too easy. Keeping myself from being truly happy, healthy, abundant and loved so that I’ll never experience those things being taken away. Because somewhere along the line I learned that those things were bad to have, plain and simple. The right way is to work hard, struggle, sacrifice and be humble and somehow when [insert random force] thought that you did enough, then you’ll be worthy for more… Funny enough the people that believes in that concept suffer more than anyone else…
I don’t want to be one of those people, and I won’t.
I don’t care what rules I break, I don’t want to live in the shadow of my greatness anymore because of some religious or social fear based bullshit. Give that shit to the people that want it, but I’m not one of them… Not anymore…
