Friday, June 23, 2017

Vision 95: Acceptance and Flow


I really went off track in the last few months. In my honest attempt to progress and advance my life to the “standards” that society wants me to be, I lost myself. Stress, busyness, resistance and doing too many things that I simply didn’t want to do filled my weeks for months, while I held on the dreams of restarting my YouTube, buying a better camera and being able to move into a new apartment.

Getting what I wanted as soon as possible, were more important than how I felt, and because I thought that pushing ahead, harder and stronger was the best way to do that, I ended up burning myself out. Not only I burned myself out, but things started to unravel. Not that everything turned bad, but the path towards what I want simply broke apart even before I could really get started and really put my dreams into action.

Frustrated, with not only the universe but with myself, I just shut down. I stopped listening to the universe, I didn’t want to hear it. I didn’t want to “trust” that I’ll get what I want only to be disappointed again.

I know it was my own doing that lead to my own disappointment and more so, my need to be “normal” and up to par with everyone else.

Acceptance is a funny thing, you’ll almost do anything for it but somehow the more you try to get it, the less of who you are you become.

You’ll trade your authenticity for acceptance. I seem to confuse the acceptance from others and jumping through hoops for being good, normal and on the right path. However, what I found is the more I try to be “normal” the more off my real path I become. Life doesn’t make sense, the things that I try to do don’t work out and I feel an emptiness within myself… I know I’m not being true to who I am, but I’m afraid to be exposed for my flaws. I want to blend in so people won’t see my shortcomings.

That simply doesn’t work. I tried that way of life for years, trying to be normal and imposing what I felt was right, how things should be while living with my family. It only kept me stuck in dysfunction and chaos. Attempting to force things into place didn’t work then and doesn’t work now, no matter how much I want to succeed.

I don’t need to be anything different than who I am, and the fear that I feel of being seen as who I am is groundless. What I feel is wrong with me is what wrong with everyone, I’m simply human and I’m not perfect.

I shouldn’t allow superficial flaws and idealism to stop me from the real progress, my own healing, recovery and self-acceptance. That is my only work and it does work in my life. Life goes a lot smoother, opportunities find me and I feel like myself. Everything just works and flows. When I seek validation from others, life is no longer fun, and I’m in constant resistance.

I deserve my own true happiness, joy and sense of peace in my life and it doesn’t matter where it comes from or how I get it. Even if I do all the “wrong” things in the world’s eye’s if it makes me whole, then I’m right in what I do.

I don’t have to look outside myself anymore.
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Sunday, January 8, 2017

Vision 94: Life is Good



The most important thing that I can ever do for myself on a day to day basis is be kind to myself. To love myself unconditionally, to treat myself well, to say kind things to myself and to always stay focus on the universal love that is always shining on me.

Freedom is so important to me, it’s my everything because it’s the number one thing that I strive for in all I do, and I didn’t even know it till recently. I love myself, but I seem to love myself more when I allow myself to be all that who I really am, than trying to fit myself in someone else’s ideals.

I don’t care to be everything to everybody, that was never my job. But it is my job to make myself happy, and that has been getting easier for me every day, even in days where I forget. Sometimes just that gentle reminder to love myself changes the whole game for me powerfully in a way that I would never expect. It’s a good feeling knowing that I have control over how I feel and how my life goes, because when I didn’t believe that, life wasn’t joyful at all.

Expressing myself has gotten easier too. Art has been my first love (maybe after video games) and I’m taking my joy and power back from the idea that I had to be a certain way to be a great artist. Now, I’m practicing loving myself through loving my art and being open to my unique ideas again, and THAT has been shifting my world in amazing ways.

Art shows, professional art classes, a paid apprenticeship, growth in skills, playing in new mediums and feeling better about myself as an artist is just the few of many things that happened after I got down and dirty with my less than joyful idea of who I was as an artist. It’s been about a year since I started working on this subject so I’ve barely scratched the surface, however, I can tell how powerful art is in my life and my sense of creativity. It has opened a lot of doors for me and I’ve been walking through all of them.

Life is good, really good and I have myself to account for that because I made it my business to choose happiness over everything else, even when other people had other ideas on what I should be doing.

I never need to suffer. I never need to be without and I never need to prove myself to anyone or anything. My life is good and as long as I hold my own self-love, happiness, joy, fun and freedom on top of my list, life will continue to be good.

And that is something that I DO want.
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Wednesday, January 4, 2017

Vision 93: Getting Messy


Frustrated…

That’s been the feeling I’ve been occupying the last few months. I’m frustrated over the limits that I put in place on myself. I’m frustrated over the limits that I choose to do things. To not cut things off when I feel it’s the right time, leave things behind that no longer serve me and to throw useless things away.

In a way, I’m frustrated over myself. I can feel inside this big beautiful energy that wants to blossom even more and grow, but I’m limiting myself. I’m stopping myself because of my own insecurities and fears.

That I won’t know what to do, that things will be different and that I won’t be able to handle what will happen next. It’s like knowing you’re able to break the ceiling of your own capacity of joy, love and fun but choosing not to. You know what it will be like on the other side, you know you’ll be happier but you choose your comfort over expansion. You choose anger over joy, stagnation over expansion, fear over love and conformity over breaking the mold.

I don’t want to do that anymore, I want to grow, I want to expand, I want to move farther out of my “uncomfortable” comfort zone, I want to change things up, I want to take a leap of faith, I want to see myself differently… I want all of that and more. I can do it, I can change, for me, for myself, for my well-being.

I don’t have to let other people, circumstances or situations stop me from being all that I can be, because none of those things have control over my life, I do. I want that creative life, I want to fill my time with my own joy of self-expression, creativity, innovation and joy. I want that, WITHOUT thinking that I have to put it second (or really tenth) on my priority list.

I guess, I’m used to not considering my art as an “important” thing. I’m used to dreaming about the perfect circumstances, the time I can be supported and when everything else will be “completed” before I can go forward completely in my creativity.

That I’ll be secure and should be secure before engaging in my passion fully, but that is the thing that is stopping me.

My creativity, my passion isn’t something that I need to save for “last” when everything is “perfect.” My creativity isn’t that special, it’s not a luxury, it’s not something I’m supposed to wait for because everything else is “more important.” My creativity IS the most important thing in my life, it’s everything, the very backbone of my identity, and I don’t have to wait for it, not anymore.

It doesn’t have to be this special thing, it can be an everyday, normal thing because it permeates everything in my life. It can be me, it can be my everything because it IS my life and it IS important and VITAL to my well-being. It CAN be something that I focus on every day and something that I put over a lot of other- nowhere near as important- things on my priority list.

Creativity isn’t frivolous, it’s a way of life and an emotional and intellectual outlet for me that deserves my attention. I deserve to get messy with it, to roll around in it, and just be one with it. It’s been with me this whole time and I’ve been the snooty one. Feeling that I’m not yet good enough for it to be important in my life. That’s not true, and never was.

It wants to get real, messy, crazy and just authentic with me, it WANTS that from me. It doesn’t want me to be perfect, it wants me to be real, and if I create something that’s a hot mess then that’s more than okay. That is what my creativity is for, to express those messy feelings and to get real with myself. Not some trophy that I display for others to show how “whatever void I’m trying to fill” I am. My creativity is me, and I’m a mix of so many experiences, outlooks, perspectives and ideas that of course it’s going to come out a little messy at times…

I need to be okay with that. To be okay to be messy, to be real and authentic. To accept that I’m this multifaceted spiritual being that isn’t perfect, which my creativity and all the mediums that I do it in will reflect on, in one way or another.

And I think I’m finally okay with that…
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