Wednesday, July 30, 2014

Vision 57: Owning It

owning your life purpose

I feel good. I feel good because I’m not just finally owning my worth as a person, but I’m owning up to my purpose. For years I wanted to get back into drawing like I used to do, but somehow I would never fully commit myself to it. Honestly, all those times I did try I wasn’t really committed at all.

I wasn’t committed because I wasn’t doing it for me. I was doing it because it felt like an obligation.

I had to be better, I had to start drawing again because if I didn’t, it would be a waste of talent, time and energy. It didn’t feel good at all, because I was making myself feel bad due to the lack of drawing I was doing. I’m seeing the reason for that a lot clearer now. It wasn’t because I stopped drawing as much, but I wasn’t valuing myself as I was. I felt that I, myself, as a person had no value but my talent in drawing did.

So I was trying to make myself draw so that I could feel valuable and that I had “something” to do and give in this world. My art then wasn’t about my own happiness but what I felt others saw in me. I didn’t feel good about myself, I blamed myself for a lot of things. A lot happened in the last five years and during that time all I did was make myself feel bad for not doing or being better, so of course everything I did was for me to make up for it all.

But my art was probably my biggest victim of all, I downgraded it to almost nothing so I barely had that, so when I tried to get back into drawing again, of course it didn’t feel right. I didn’t feel good enough to draw, it felt like a luxury to be drawing. I dared to have fun again doing something I love than slaving at a business, job or something else that only caused me suffering. It took a very long time for me to realize how much I degraded myself and my own worth and how that effected my artistic self. Granted, when I was drawing full-time I had a lot of issues that stemmed from the same thing, unworthiness, but this time instead of effecting what I drew, it simply started to wipe that part of me away. And I honestly had no idea what to do. I didn’t know what to think or how to fix it.

No matter how much I would try drawing on a normal basis it just didn’t stick, no matter how many ideas I had, how much confidence I had at the time, or motivation. I just couldn’t get myself to feel “good,” truly good in drawing again. I thought it was my lack of determination and other shit like that, but it was actually a very deep emotional call and innocence I wasn’t looking at. The value of being me, the value of being a person in this world, and just the value of existing and how much of a miracle I am. I didn’t think of myself as a miracle but a person that would try really hard but fuck up every time.

Because of that thought process, naturally I made drawing something that was too good for me. I knew how valuable it was and even made my art match the unworthiness I thought I was. I truly felt that I wasn’t good enough to draw and even if I did, my art wasn’t worth much as a result so of course no matter how hard I tried drawing and being an artist, it wouldn’t stick for me.

Even then, I knew how valuable my actual ability, talent and potential was. I knew deep inside that if I could connect with that spirit I would be unstoppable but knowing how great I could be in a place where I felt so low, I couldn’t see myself actually being that. It just didn’t make sense and I played out that exact role and didn’t own my purpose, my art, my creativity fully, my talents or my artistic abilities. I knew how much I could do but I was so convinced that I was nothing more than a failure I just let myself be that then challenge something that I was used too. Thank god though, I’m growing out of it.

After being reconnected fully to my life purpose and really making myself “see” it for what it is. I’m ready to own it. Full time, no bullshit;  let’s go to the moon, no rockets. I feel worthy now, I feel good enough to draw and own my artistic potential and then some. I want to do this, I feel it inside and it’s so different now than it ever was. I’m truly wanting and ready to own my purpose, my talent and what I’m made for in this world and I’m not willing for anyone, even myself to stop me. I’m ready, I’m willing and I’m doing it. I’m owning it…

I’m owning it now.

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Thursday, July 24, 2014

Vision 56: Love List #67

manifesting love list artist

  1. I love being an artist, I love that this is my path!
  2. Thank you for the path that is being laid out for me, it feels so exciting!
  3. Thank you for the money that supports me in my path, I love my new money relationship!
  4. I love the feeling of ease when it comes to my purpose, it feels effortless!
  5. I love creating my reality and making it what I want it to be
  6. I love being the creator of my reality!
  7. I love being in control of what I experience in my life
  8. I love the freedom of being all of who I am
  9. I enjoy my self-expression in my art!
  10. Thank you for my blessing of being an artist!

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Tuesday, July 22, 2014

Vision 55: Sailor Mini Moon

My drawing of Rini from Sailor Moon that I did today


anime hair moon sailor

anime pastel colored hair

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Sunday, July 20, 2014

Vision 54: Love List #65

  1. I’m so grateful for the artist manifesto that I created through my inspiration!
  2. Thank you George for showing me my life’s purpose!
  3. Thank you universe for being there for me!
  4. Thank you for this awesome feeling!
  5. I’m so grateful for all the wonderful wisdom I’ve been gaining lately!
  6. Thank you for this awesome computer!
  7. Thank you for the best days to come and my constant growing ease
  8. Thank you for the money I do have it’s more than enough
  9. I’m so grateful for all the love I feel for myself, I love myself unconditionally!
  10. Thank you for the abundance that is all around me like money, food and water it’s more than enough!

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Vision 53: Artist Manifesto

I want to be an artist because it feels good to create the images in my mind. It feels good to recreate the things I see. I love creating the stories in my head and coloring the pictures I make.

I love making themed things and looking at my drawings and creations. It feels good to morph and shape my pencil sketches with my pens and see the personality of the picture come alive. I love making things that are meaningful to me. I love drawing and being inspired in the moment.

I love creating things that I see outside of me and making them more real in my mind. I love following my inspiration and making characters that are pretty. I love pretty pictures, I love making pretty pictures the most. I love the magic of making a picture pretty, sweet, happy and serene. I love making pretty pictures so much that it's all I want to draw. I want to draw sweet pictures that always makes me feel joy 100% of the time. I love the feeling of making sweet pictures, I love knowing that I make sweet pictures, I love knowing that I’m the one that makes pictures like these. I feel inspired to do more every day. I feel inspired to create more color in my life. I feel more inspired to create from that inspiration.

I want to be an artist because it feels good to me. It feels like my path of least resistance. It’s what gives me joy every day, it makes me really awesome friends. It gives me inspiration to live life more. It gives me ease and a relaxed feeling. It comforts me and I get to express myself.

I love expressing myself. I love creating from my experience. I love knowing that I can create from my experience. I love the feeling of what it feels like to create from my experiences. I love looking at all the art I done. I love seeing how well I did it. I love seeing how I improved. I love feeling the rush of how good it feels to be an artist right here in the moment. It feels good to have that super power. It feels good to know that this will become more.

I love that people see me drawing and love it too. I love that other people love what I love. I love that connection to my source through my work. I love the rush of inspiration. I love that becoming of more of who I am. I want to be an artist because I love it and I can’t stop thinking about it every day. I have to be an artist because that is all that I want to know and do know no matter what I do in this world.

I want to be an artist because it makes me feel really good and I have no excuses not to feel good. I want to be an artist because it’s what I love. I want to draw because it’s what I enjoy and love about being an artist. I want to draw because I can do it. I want to draw because it flows. I want to be an artist because it feels big, huge and I’m already am that.

I want to draw but I am afraid. I’m afraid because I feel like I have to be huge and I don’t feel that I am right here at this moment. I don’t feel huge, but I still feel like an artist. I feel like an artist because I do art all the time in so many different ways. I still draw lots and it’s always become more and more.

I love that no one cares what I draw but me and that I can take control what I draw in every moment. I’m blessed to become an artist, even though I have my ups and downs. I wouldn’t change anything because I love being an artist so much and changing my reality to what I see in my mind.

Being an artist is just being creative and I’m very creative, so I haven’t stopped drawing completely. I’m still creating every day and I’m really good at it. It makes me feel good to see all the creations that I make, see and feel. I’m so happy to be an artist because I’m blessed with the ability to create. I’m blessed I can make the images that I love on the computer. I’m blessed because I can do it. I’m blessed because that is my path, this is what I came here for. This feels right to me. It feels like effortlessness. It feels like it’s calling me gently. It wants me to be there but it’s not forceful. It wants that lovely connection with me. It wants me to connect to it. It wants me to be inspired. It wants me to create whatever I want. It wants me to feel safe. It wants me to be here, right now in this moment to just love and adore myself for being an artist and to know that is my life’s journey and that I enjoy being an artist.

It wants me to just know and to feel it and to just enjoy it. It wants me to love me as an artist and to love my ability to do it.

That’s all, that’s it.

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Friday, July 18, 2014

Vision 52: Being Selfish

selfishness positivity self-love

My mood has been up and down lately. I just want to be alone and I can’t tolerate anyone else’s opinion or company at the moment. My mood has been shaky for about a week dealing with certain things from other people that I rather not be bothered with.

Even this morning I felt the annoyance to be alive again and to be in a house with other people. When I dived into these emotions and the root cause of them, I noticed that I was taken in other people’s stuff. Energy, moods, or whatever, I was no longer being solely focused on me but focused on again, my family’s emotional states and how they feel. I also was feeling guilty for my own procrastination, rage towards the puppy and other things that simply doesn’t matter.

I’m learning that, giving a fuck in any sense of the word puts you last on “who’s important list.” I’ve been living in a way by trying to follow other people’s rules and standards, seeking to prove to the world that I was truly “a good and hardworking person.” Thinking somehow proving that will get me somewhere in life and hopefully happiness and success.

Being there for people, caring about others and their opinion and trying to make everyone happy is great and all but shouldn’t be the goal in life. It’s honestly, fucking bullshit. Instead, I rather be selfish and think about myself most of the time and having everyone else come second.

Learning to be selfish and not have everyone else come first in my life has probably been the best personal lesson I’ve learned this year. When I finally made myself the most important person in the world and strive to make me happy instead of my family, life started to click like magic. Things I wanted to do started to actually happen, I became happier with my own life and soon I started to heal from my own self-criticism and doubt that I wasn’t owning up to some fucked up ideal by society.

The best part of being selfish is that I no longer care or take stock (as much) in other people’s opinions. I let people be whoever they choose to be. I’m no longer trying to play the savior role for my family, I let their lives be on them for better or for worst. What is more important now is how I’m doing and what is best for me.

Also, I don’t invalidate myself simply because I don’t feel qualified or another person has a different opinion. I follow my gut instincts and I follow my own truth a lot more now with much of success. Because of that I’m no longer as afraid to go after the things I want or need. It also shows that most people have no idea what is right for me, but only knows what is right for them. No wonder I burned out so much being in my 20’s, I was listening to ALL THE WRONG PEOPLE and never to myself.

I’ve learned as well that I don’t want to share my life with anyone. At one point all I wanted is to have a relationship but now I’m even more happy being by myself! Having a boyfriend means my life has to change or somehow I have to focus my time on another person and I don’t want to do that. I also felt that having a lover will give me the feelings and needs I couldn’t give myself. THANK GOD I woke up from that dream and started to give myself the self-love that only I can provide because once I did that the desire to have a partner went away.

Now I’m wanting to just be by myself, enjoy myself, take care of me and not have “anyone else” matter. I feel like I’ve gotten the relationship with myself that I always wanted and needed. It feels good not to care and to know that I have all the answers. It feels good to know that I can do anything without the next person’s advice or opinion. It feels good to put myself first above everyone in my life and finally give myself a voice and live by its truth.

It’s great to be selfish and I believe true selfishness is the key to success in this world because you won’t let yourself be brought down by everyone around you. You make yourself valuable, validated, worthy and simply so important that you won’t let anyone get in the way of your happiness, not even yourself!

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Saturday, July 12, 2014

Vision 51: 50th Post Celebration

greatfulness blog celebration positivity

This is my 51st post, but it feels like I’ve been writing forever. I’ve been blogging for years but today marks a special time because of the positivity I cultivated from this specific blog.

Today I’m celebrating The Golden Mirror, the very blog that slowly but surely changed my life for the better. I want to dive in and show the gratitude on how much this blog has helped me and all that it did in the process.

Thank you blog for showing me how I was limiting myself

For many years I blamed my family for the reason why my life sucked so bad and while I decided to change, this blog give me the freedom to truly express how I feel. Feelings that I would often express in a instinctual and thoughtless manner turned into nuggets of wisdom that I can grow from and see the bigger picture of my life. That means way more than anything else I could of done with this blog.

Thank you blog for being the platform for me to express my gratitude for the things I love

 Nothing makes me more excited than sharing exactly what makes me smile. For a long time I didn’t cultivate the positivity like this and it reflected in my life. Since I started with this blog I’m much more open to the positive and my world is a lot bigger because of it.

Thank you blog for giving me a place to express myself in a creative matter. 

I consider this blog as a book and a way for me to help me strengthen my writing skills. Though I forgot this for a while, coming back to this truth made me appreciate this blog even more. This blog is my life story, the story I’m always continuing to weave and without the freedom to express myself in a creative way, I would never have seen the gifts that arouse from that truth.

Thank you blog for helping me connect with other people

 When I got truly honest with myself, my true nature was finally set free in a lot of ways. Causing a lot more people to connect with me and my beautiful spirit. Never in a thousand years would I have thought the people I’ve been connecting to now would be the people that was waiting for me. And surely, I didn’t think these people would be so positive, supportive, beautiful and just plain fucking awesome. They made this journey and my transition in life much more sweeter and there isn’t enough money in the world to pay for that!

Thank you blog for just being there

Being there for me to cry, rant, be happy, sad and all the sides of me that I love and not love so much about myself. No one on this planet will ever know the extent to where my suffering was for so long and the one thing that I could count on in the roughest times through that change that was you. Seriously, I can’t thank this blog enough along with the programmers, website, the host and all the people that made this writing platform possible for me.

This blog literally changed my life and how I see the world, something I’ve been dying and trying to do for many years. And when I decided to finally do it, against all odds, to express my journey in it, slowly but surely it happened.

I can’t thank you enough for that. Thank you Thank you Thank you!

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Thursday, July 10, 2014

Vision 50: Losing Focus

how to regain focus
The last week has been a bit emotionally draining. So many different things have been happening that my focus wasn’t where I wanted it to be.

I started to be consumed with the idea that my blog and drawing was my work. That feeling of wanting to work myself more and work harder started to come back too. This is a huge no-no because that was the very thing that lead me to my demise in the first place. If I want to live in a really crappy way and mind set then trying to work hard and not take breaks is the way to do it.

I just feel like my passions in life should be something I can make money with. Which is another sign that I’m not focused on the right things. The money will come and I’m working on that relationship but trying to make it come to me lets me know I’m not trusting the universe. I’m still trying to make it happen.

Another thing I’m noticing is the trust, I feel that I need to save everything and I’m worried if there will be enough food, money or anything for everyone. A HUGE sign that I’m focusing on lack and trying to control it all instead of focusing on prosperity and my trust with it. I haven’t been thinking as positive as much as I would like, because my focus and the way I’m thinking isn’t focused on enough. Old feelings are starting to come back that wasn’t there, I’m thinking more on the negative side of things and I’m even catching myself watching sad themed shows. That was a bit of an eye opener.

Maybe it’s the fact that I want to take my art fulltime that my mind is instantly thinking I’m going to be broke and poor for the rest of my life. Maybe I should do my morning routine even on the weekends to prep my brain for the positive. Or even it’s because of summer, the season I hate the most, that is giving me more feelings of anxiety than any other season.

I think it’s because I’m not sticking to what I really want to do. I’m thinking that I need to have the to-do list finished and have this super organized life where everything is perfect. Perfection is my worst enemy because it always says that nothing is good enough and I should somehow strive for more.

Striving for more only leads to constant mini melt downs and a distrust of self, it’s super unrealistic. Also, being more self-conscious of the things I’m doing and worrying about what people think is also not the best way to live because now I’m constantly editing myself and what I’m doing. I’m not focused on what I want and doing just that and trusting. I’m getting in the bad habits of trying to control everything, which for many years never helped me, yet I’m compelled to do it anyway, it’s like my default way of being.

I have to let go and let the universe take care of me. I have to stop being in my head and start listening to my heart, TRUST the universe and follow it’s directives. I never lead me to a bad place and this time is no different, I’m just too focused on useless things for me to really tune into it and follow it.

Even though I’m doing new things, my feelings about life can’t revert back because it was my love for life, talents and activities that made them so fun, not the trying to make money and have a perfect life.

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Wednesday, July 9, 2014

Vision 49: Self Love ATC Process

love yoursef  artist trading card

I was inspired by the universe to make another ATC, this time on self-love. When I started to add self-love to my morning practice things started to shift very quickly in all areas. I even found money on the ground the first day I did it! That event alone was a wakeup call, a wakeup call that I needed for a very long time.

Self-love is the most important thing on this planet, it’s important because without that love of self you’ll always settle for less and life will treat you as such. I know I have settled for less for many years and thought that loving myself was working to the bone to achieve my goals. But I learned that is the opposite of self-love as well as other things I thought I was doing in the name of self-love.

What I learned the most however is that self-love requires nothing. You don’t need money, a lover, a best friend, a job, a house, makeup, shoes or your life to be “together” and perfect. In fact the best place to start loving yourself is where you fail the most at, because self-love is unconditional. The most unconditional love you’ll ever receive here on earth. I truly started to feel that love for myself once I remembered all the stupid shit I did in my life and chose to love myself anyway… That is true self-love…

I got started on this tonight with the urge to draw traditionally vs. on the computer. As much as I love drawing on the computer, it stresses my eyes out too much. That and the feeling of putting the pens and colored pencils on paper is the feeling of coming home, something I wanted to do again for years.

heart love pencil drawing

heart drawing sketch love

wings love heart art

inking in sketch wip

pen drawing of heart

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Tuesday, July 1, 2014

Vision 48: The Angel of The Inner Child Finished!

angel atc inner child anime

My first angel artist trading card is finally finished. I actually finished it about a month or so ago but I procrastinated actually posting it up.

artist trading card angel

healing inner child heart

I notice that as much as I love drawing and creating, I’ve been procrastinating on drawing full time again. It honestly scares me to dive deep into something that I love so much. I don’t want to fail or have something bad happen on my way to wherever my dreams are with my art.

I love art so much that I would rather sit around and let it die than risk the hurt of doing it and falling on my face again. If art was my lover, I would be the type of boy that would never commit to the one guy that actually wanted me. I would self-sabotage the relationship early because I would be too afraid to dive deep into its love and fail the expectations I have on myself and my lover.

I don’t want to hurt myself or my art again, as strange as it sounds. Art means everything to me and when you really love someone or something  you do some crazy shit to protect it, even if it hurts you at the end.

Talking about these feelings, I know that there is nothing to be truly afraid of. I shouldn’t draw for a certain outcome but for the fact I can draw at all. Joe told me that and it really meant something to me. I attach so much stuff onto the things I love to make them more “meaningful” that I end up suffocating the passion I have for it altogether and I’m sick of doing that. I just want to enjoy my skills and art again, no matter if I make money from it one day or not, whether people like it or not or whatever end result I’m looking at. That’s not the point to why I draw.

I draw because it’s fun, I draw because it’s comforting, I draw because I love it, I draw because I enjoy it, I draw because it’s my soul's passion in life; so why should I let money or anything else get in the way of that?

I shouldn’t and I’m changing it right now…

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