Vision 62: Emotional Mood Manager

I just did some EFT work and I feel so amazing. For a long time now, slowly, I was building up a really frustrated energy inside myself. Energy of resentment, anger, frustration and just suckiness. I was feeling this way because I felt I was responsible for my family’s feelings and moods. When they were angry about something it was my job to fix it somehow. I was following the role of the “good girl,” the one that would try to fix everything and make everyone happy.

This year I'm currently doing a lot of work on myself to keep my focus OFF of them and onto myself and my life, but gradually, that focus became bigger and bigger once again. In fact, a lot of my old isms came back across the board. I wasn’t happy with myself being an artist because I was a “failure,” I’m trying to make a program but I’m focused on making it perfect. I’m wanting more money and change because I want to escape my (drunken) family life. All of my actions and reactions is based on old fears and programming, and a lot of what I was doing to ease them was either making me resist it more, or just not working as effectively. It was just a struggle.

But this morning, a lot of that anger starting to bubble up despite my calm morning, I just couldn’t help it. After hearing my sister giving her puppy away to the SPCA in a few days, her crying, her woes and how everything is “fucked up” in the last few weeks I just wanted to scream. Again, it felt like I wanted to jump in and save her from herself, to make her happy (or shut up) and manage her emotions. Yet, I’m really bad at it, I can barely manage my own sometimes, yet I expect to get the job done for my own family, it’s insane! I do things in hope that it would make things better yet nothing changes, she still drinks, get upset and not really change her life, she just flounders, thus my resentment grows.

I was so angry and resentful for my family not changing when I’m doing so much in my own life, I didn’t know what to do. I want them to change to make my own life better, I want them to change for me more than for themselves, I’m selfishly caring about my own emotions more and more. I want my life to be awesome and great and I feel that they are shitting all over it. I know that is not true, are lives is our own but again the old isms were back in full swing. I wanted and did blame them for my life’s short comings, and in trying to change them without any luck I starting to resent them for it. Not good.

So in my round of EFT, I discovered I was again still playing the role of the emotional mood manager, and come to find out I really suck at it! In fact, even if I was being paid for it, I would get fired on the spot! It’s nearly impossible to make someone happy no more than it is to take control and make their whole life a happy one! I just don’t have the tools, power or know how to do that sort of work. I wasn’t made for the job at all.

However, I am made for my own purpose of joy, love, creativity and freedom. I have everything and more to not only do a good job but to spread it to others through my wake! Yet, I can’t even come close to do that because of the same job and title I keep playing out. So I decided to quit that job as the emotional mood manager and finally take up my inborn role and purpose in joy! And gosh does that feel good!

After that round of EFT (and clearing out that role out of my body, DNA and energy bodies) I felt a “cleansing” in myself as if I really did clear out that role! Even hearing my sister having a hard time I didn’t feel that “ting” to want to jump in and save her! I felt completely fine, and even better, I felt super happy remembering my true purpose in joy in spite of it!

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Vision 61: Feeling Like a Domesticated Human

I want to be free, I want to be free of the stresses that the modern life constantly inscribes us with. I want to be free of the pressures of trying to prove myself to everyone around me. I want to be free of the pressure of trying to look good and “happening” on the internet, constantly posting pictures and preaching about how good life is.

What’s the point of it all, it’s making less sense to me.

For some time now, I have been going outside in nature more. Enjoying the stillness and being-ness that we don’t experience in our homes. Everything is about the next job, school, goal, lover, child, success, failure, follower, plan, day, fashion, TV show and quite frankly shit I really don’t care about.

I have been indulging and wishing for so many things that has little to no real impact on my life that I’m convinced that the school system and society has domesticated my truly wild and free spirit.

To be honest, I want to live out in the wild, I want to experience what is it to be truly connected to the earth and others. I want to embrace myself as a child of the universe and stretch my skills and talents like I never have before. I want to shine, I want to be me, I just want way more than what I was taught in my life. Knowing who you are and knowing your true potential rather than living in the perspective of others, I see why young children are so disconnected from the “real world.” They haven’t been broken in yet to the beliefs and negative mindset that says “you have to do things in a certain way or you’re a failure, weirdo or unworthy.”

I hate so much that I let myself be brainwashed by my schooling, parents, peers, the media and every other influence that tries to keep me “in line,” to apparently keep me safe from harm. The biggest harm to me is losing your wild spirit to those that doesn’t know better. To stop shining because we were taught it’s wrong to show off, to stop feeling because “it’s weak,” to stop dreaming so big because it’s “unrealistic.” I’m tired of it all and the constant messages that says that you have to be a certain way because of your background, race, where you grew up in and just bullshit that doesn’t matter.

What I’m saying is I’m angry that I want way more than I think anyone around me could try to explain. I’m angry because I feel like I want to live in the woods, get a companion wolf and just live as who I really am. I’m angry because I love what I have and everything it has done for me, yet I so desperately want to move far away from it. As much as I love this life at this time period, I know it’s not me.

I’m not sure why, but I just feel it, that real shining part of myself that is connected to all things. It keeps nudging me to go outside, to eat more natural things, to run, jump and play with the animals, to forgo meaningless goals and get real and deep with what matters. It wants to be validated so bad but I’m resisting a lot by being angry. At how I’m not letting myself be who I really am, but blaming society and those around me that convinced me that I was a “civilized human.”

I don’t want to be a civilized human anymore, I feel like a caged animal and I feel so much power inside myself that wants to burst out it’s emotionally painful. I want to cry…

I want to be free, I want to travel the world, I want to dig my hands into the earth, I want to start praising the earth like my ancestors from the divine did. I feel like I never belonged in this planet in the first place, I feel like an adoptee, just dropped here to see how everything was doing.

I’m not going to lie, I don’t like it, where I am now, torn between who I knew myself as a “human” and the precious super powerful being that I know that I am. The pull is so strong now to just “be myself” that I can barely take it, and all I can do is get mad and angry so I can feel like someone is stopping me.

No one is stopping me but myself, and I have to get really honest with myself in this situation. Who do I want to be? What do I need to change to finally be on the road where I feel like myself? What do I need to cultivate in myself to make me feel like I’m not being brainwashed by the world? I have a lot of thinking to do, but that is just for me to keep myself in limbo, what I need to do is accept.

To accept I’m not what I think I always was and trust it, no matter what it may bring. I have to trust that wild spirit within me and follow it in the dark woods inside my soul, it knows what it’s talking about. I have to let go of the domesticated part of myself, and finally be the wild sunlit warrior that was always swimming within me.

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Vision 60: Al-anon

Yesterday was my first Al-anon meeting. Something that I wanted to do for a very long time but after a lot of setbacks in the last week, I was finally able to go.

It was really scary, even though I was excited to go. I was fearful and didn’t know what to expect. I honestly wanted to keep a distance from everyone, I was emotionally and even spirituality separating myself from the group. After hearing everyone stories; however, I had the courage to share my own which wasn’t easy.

Within a few seconds I was crying really bad, it hurt so much to know how much my mom’s addiction has changed the person I thought I never was. It’s painful to know that your own family caused such a deep rift in yourself. It’s something that I’m honestly pissed about even though I want to forgive. I’m not sure if I’m in that place quite yet because I’m starting to feel more resentment than forgiveness these days.

I just want peace, I just want calm but that is nearly impossible being in a chaotic environment, the arguments, power struggles, pain, money issues and just the drinking itself takes away all of that, and it sucks. I don’t want to dive too deep into the negativity of this, but I am realizing that I’m way too accepting of the way things are. And I’ve been way too passive in the past towards action to change myself than to change others. The hardest part is always knowing that “this” might never change and if I don’t do something, I’m always going to be in it. That is what I resent the most, the fact that even though I have nothing to do with what goes wrong, I still stuffer none the less. I feel like it should be my family that should stuffer, or even more so. I want them to feel how I feel. To feel everything, every emotion, every pain, every bad thought, all of my internal struggles and feelings of being judged.

I hate that I have sat here and let myself be turned into a self-loathing being, hoping and wishing that someone somewhere will save me from all of this, or that my family will care enough to change. I feel so broken over that because it was the illusionary promise that was never kept. It was all a lie, and if I knew sooner I probably would of done something just as fast.

The meeting, even though it brought up a lot of pain and even more realization of the situation that I’m in, gave me a place where I can be honest with other people that understands how I feel. A part of me wanted to dismiss the whole thing thinking that our focus on the negativity will only keep me in struggle even longer, but that voice didn’t sound loving at all. It was myself wanting to isolate myself again and hope that I can make it without any help; that I wasn’t like them. I didn’t want to be like everyone else and was prone to pain like this. I wanted to be stronger than that, but that honesty got me nowhere, I’m in even more pain because of it.

I want to give this all that I got because I’ll never find that kind of support here. I also have to be really honest with myself and not give excuses on how I’m feeling and the impact my good meaning family does do to me. I have to think about myself very selfishly and give no explanation why. I have to keep moving forward and hope that things change even faster than I could imagine and even more so because I got more support to keep myself moving.

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Vision 59: Letting go

A few days ago, the universe made it pretty clear that I needed to let go of some old pains. The pain of my first relationship and how crossed I am about how it ended.

What was funny is how I was mentioning to the universe and the angels on how I was ready to finally let go of the animosity. During my way home the perfect neon sign of what I needed to do next came up.

The person that was selling watermelons in my neighborhood mentioned how he and his brother “liked” me (yuck, they were way too old for me) and asked me about my past relationship. I was taken aback because as soon as I sent that message out to the universe here it comes full power to conform what I just said. I honestly found it really annoying because I hate mentioning it or talking about what happened. I just want to forget it. If anyone has those memory eraser pills I need some right now.


But anyway, I knew I was annoyed because I hated the fact I still felt slighted that the ex just up and left without warning. I still want to break every bone in his face for the simple fact that I was wayyy to good for that type of treatment, plus I hate how much of a pussy he was about it. I really really hate cowards.

I was even more annoyed when the watermelon seller asked if I wasn’t looking for a relationship because of what happened and that I was “broken hearted”, UGH.

Broken hearted? Far from it, still angry? Yes… I honestly don’t care about the actual relationship, it was whatever especially being about 5 years ago, if I knew then what I know now I wouldn’t of dated him. However, I would of like to be spared the pain I went through of him up and leaving without notice. I just don’t understand people that do stupid shit like that. I could care or less if he wanted to continue the relationship, him leaving was a gift for me but I would like to have known without running around thinking he was dead or something. I felt that he took advantage of my kindness and I want to chop his dick off and feed it to my dog, basically. I honestly always wished the worst upon him.

What I hate the most about people is the stupid shit they get themselves into all the time, then blame the world for it. They are totally oblivious towards their own actions and simply go on to be ignorant and suck other people into it. I also hate when people take advantage of other’s kindness and I’m simply way too good for that and wish a whole world of hurt for the people that done that to me. It feels good to finally say that being that I was trying to up hold this “perfect” image in the past. I wish harm on people and it feels good, I know it does nothing for anyone (especially me) but expressing that does the world for me. Whatever bullshit that my ex encountered after the relationship he deserved it and I’m smiling happily because of it.

If it was anything that I really needed out of all this is not so much to “let go” but to be honest with myself and make my feelings valid because that is what I wasn’t doing. I was going off of the common belief that it was wrong to be angry at the past, you should forgive and all that spiritual blurb. As much as I wanted to do so, it wasn’t happening. I was (super) angry and I never fully processed that anger because I thought I had to forgive him and put some rosy feeling bullshit on top of everything. I don’t have to forgive him, I don’t have to be fake about it all and I can be angry all I want. I can take joy in his possible suffering and feel however the way I feel because I am human. I don’t want to pretend like it was all okay and I’m over it because of some social/spiritual expectations. I’m pissed and I’m happy to finally let myself be really pissed off without wanting to hide the fact that I am.

It feels good to finally be angry and not feel bad about it. It feels good to openly wish harm and not feel that I’m being a bad person. It feels good to finally be honest with myself without worrying what the world might think. It feels good to process this anger and just let it flow out instead of waiting for “forgiveness” to suddenly fix everything. And it feels REALLY good to not need to forgive the ex but forgive myself for not expressing my anger sooner and that the ex has nothing to do with me moving forward, this is all about me.

My life is good and it’s getting better and I have no time to waste on old shit heads who had no clue about how awesome I am. That doesn’t change my value and it surely doesn’t mean I can’t have a happy relationship if I choose to go into one, though I’m finding myself being more on the lithromantic scale.

In any case, I’m happy that I’m being honest with myself and finally taking the focus off of someone I couldn’t give a shit about to the most important person in my life, myself, and healing that person.

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Vision 58: Frustrated

I haven’t been treating myself the best lately. I’ve been staying up too late and waking up so early that my body can’t keep up energy wise.

I always had a bad habit of not going to bed at a reasonable time but for some reason right now, I’m feeling it big time. I don’t enjoy waking up and I have no energy. I literally just want to go back to sleep no sooner I get up. This is a huge problem for me now because it’s feeding my anxiety and I’m completely at odds with it.

A part of me wants to get more sleep in the day, to relax more and let go while the more rigid part of me feels like I’m being lazy or unworthy because I need the extra rest. I even broke out of my rut by sleeping in and straying away from my normal routine last week but I’m dying to go back into it this week. I feel like a small child just wanting to be in the safety of his mother. And that’s what it boils down too, safety.

I don’t feel safe without knowing what to expect living here, I’ve always been that way. When I don’t have a routine I feel out of control, I feel like the world is going to spin out of orbit and anything that I want or desire will never come to me. I guess you can say I feel stuck indefinitely unless I move or do something. Honestly, thinking about it rationally it doesn’t make much sense, it’s just my mind saying that but that’s not what is actually happening. I think I’m like this because I don’t have much control over my family and they produce a lot of stress especially when they’re drinking.

Not too long ago I discovered that 80% of my issues and limited beliefs had stemmed from my family and a negative environment. It’s rare for me to get to the core of an issue of whatever I’m dealing with now that has something to do with something someone else did or said to me outside of my home. Everything starts here, at home and while I’m doing my best to reverse the effects of what it has done to me for years I still have pockets of struggle. I’m hoping my anxiety can ease and that my mind can rest without triggers that sends me back to my default mode. I love my family and appreciate whatever shitty path that it gave me but I’m frankly tired of it all. I’m tired of worrying, I’m tired of always looking behind me, I’m tired of being tired, I’m tired of being stressed because someone else is being stressed.

I long for solitude from it all and to be in my own energy. Most times I find the most calm when I’m by myself because I have no one else to worry about. Plus a lot of what goes on here is out of my control but I’m so hung up with trying to control myself in a way that makes everyone else happy that I simply fall into feelings of fear. Sometimes it feels like I’m on a roller coaster that I can’t get off of and I’m desperately trying my best to just find something I can hang on to.

I want to be content, I want to be okay with everything that is going on while maintaining my peace but I want to rip my skin off and jump outside my body. I’m dying for more peace and to be away from everything that stresses me out that has nothing to do with me. I’m tired of trying to be happy and serene when it feels like everything around me brings constant obstacles. I feel super frustrated and I don’t think I’ve been expressing those feelings enough lately, I’ve just been trying to “flow” with it all but I’m not saying what I truly feel so all that energy just stays locked within me.

Yes, I’m frustrated, I haven’t been sleeping like I should and I sometimes hate living with my family and wish to move so far away from here. I feel like I’m bitching over nothing but if I don’t have compassion for myself then it is no use to others either. My feelings are valid even if I’m saying them out of anger, I’m saying it because I’m angry and I’m angry because I haven’t been expressing myself because of the constant swinging of emotions I’ve been dealing with lately.

I just want to be at peace, I just want to be alone, I want to live alone where I’m never bothered by the constant bullshit. And I’m sick of judging myself for being frustrated and angry because I believe other people’s possible opinions of my own situation and circumstances is more valid than my own first hand experience. Again, more mental bullshit that is irrational but my brain is so quick to make it real so it feels like it’s happening when I’m completely fine. *sigh*

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