What was funny is how I was mentioning to the universe and the angels on how I was ready to finally let go of the animosity. During my way home the perfect neon sign of what I needed to do next came up.
The person that was selling watermelons in my neighborhood mentioned how he and his brother “liked” me (yuck, they were way too old for me) and asked me about my past relationship. I was taken aback because as soon as I sent that message out to the universe here it comes full power to conform what I just said. I honestly found it really annoying because I hate mentioning it or talking about what happened. I just want to forget it. If anyone has those memory eraser pills I need some right now.
But anyway, I knew I was annoyed because I hated the fact I still felt slighted that the ex just up and left without warning. I still want to break every bone in his face for the simple fact that I was wayyy to good for that type of treatment, plus I hate how much of a pussy he was about it. I really really hate cowards.
I was even more annoyed when the watermelon seller asked if I wasn’t looking for a relationship because of what happened and that I was “broken hearted”, UGH.
Broken hearted? Far from it, still angry? Yes… I honestly don’t care about the actual relationship, it was whatever especially being about 5 years ago, if I knew then what I know now I wouldn’t of dated him. However, I would of like to be spared the pain I went through of him up and leaving without notice. I just don’t understand people that do stupid shit like that. I could care or less if he wanted to continue the relationship, him leaving was a gift for me but I would like to have known without running around thinking he was dead or something. I felt that he took advantage of my kindness and I want to chop his dick off and feed it to my dog, basically. I honestly always wished the worst upon him.
What I hate the most about people is the stupid shit they get themselves into all the time, then blame the world for it. They are totally oblivious towards their own actions and simply go on to be ignorant and suck other people into it. I also hate when people take advantage of other’s kindness and I’m simply way too good for that and wish a whole world of hurt for the people that done that to me. It feels good to finally say that being that I was trying to up hold this “perfect” image in the past. I wish harm on people and it feels good, I know it does nothing for anyone (especially me) but expressing that does the world for me. Whatever bullshit that my ex encountered after the relationship he deserved it and I’m smiling happily because of it.
If it was anything that I really needed out of all this is not so much to “let go” but to be honest with myself and make my feelings valid because that is what I wasn’t doing. I was going off of the common belief that it was wrong to be angry at the past, you should forgive and all that spiritual blurb. As much as I wanted to do so, it wasn’t happening. I was (super) angry and I never fully processed that anger because I thought I had to forgive him and put some rosy feeling bullshit on top of everything. I don’t have to forgive him, I don’t have to be fake about it all and I can be angry all I want. I can take joy in his possible suffering and feel however the way I feel because I am human. I don’t want to pretend like it was all okay and I’m over it because of some social/spiritual expectations. I’m pissed and I’m happy to finally let myself be really pissed off without wanting to hide the fact that I am.
It feels good to finally be angry and not feel bad about it. It feels good to openly wish harm and not feel that I’m being a bad person. It feels good to finally be honest with myself without worrying what the world might think. It feels good to process this anger and just let it flow out instead of waiting for “forgiveness” to suddenly fix everything. And it feels REALLY good to not need to forgive the ex but forgive myself for not expressing my anger sooner and that the ex has nothing to do with me moving forward, this is all about me.
My life is good and it’s getting better and I have no time to waste on old shit heads who had no clue about how awesome I am. That doesn’t change my value and it surely doesn’t mean I can’t have a happy relationship if I choose to go into one, though I’m finding myself being more on the lithromantic scale.
In any case, I’m happy that I’m being honest with myself and finally taking the focus off of someone I couldn’t give a shit about to the most important person in my life, myself, and healing that person.
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