Deciding to Become Rich

I’m deciding to become rich. I’m deciding for myself that I will become wealthy and have a really great relationship with money and abundance. Not just in the amount of something that I have, but actual money, the dollars, the bills, the financial currency that we all use to exchange goods and services.

It’s so easy to dance around the uncomfortable topic of money and to beat around the bush and hide behind the vagueness of the idea of abundance vs actual money. Having  the abundance of  (positive) relationships, love, experiences and happiness is great and represents wealth, but do you ever really get down to the nitty gritty of the actual issues that you have with money, most don’t. I sure have fallen into that deeply veiled trap being into self-help and development which has only delayed the full processing of my issues with money, and why I don’t allow myself to have the kind of money that I want.

When I decided to leave home and into the shelter, after a year of going all in into the Abe teachings, I was a different person than I was before. I changed my mind about a lot of things. I knew who I really was,  I knew my ability to live as a happy individual, I knew the possibility of creating a life that I wanted and my worthiness about having those things. Before then, all I thought was how I wasn’t good enough and how bad my life was.

There is no coincidence between my positive change in thoughts and in the dramatic positive shifts that took place in 2014 and beyond. When before, my life was the same shit cycle that I was in for 5 plus years with no hopes of anything changing for the better.

It wasn’t some magic spell that I casted that magically changed my circumstances. There wasn’t some pill, program, person or whatever that inserted itself into my life and changed me. It was my decision to change my negative thoughts and beliefs that I had about myself and about my world that changed my life. Beliefs that were ingrained in me for a lifetime that pummeled me with the manifestations of struggle, strive and the belief that I wasn’t worthy for anything good, especially money.

It was the decision as well as the practice and determination to create my reality the way I knew I could have it, that the positive changes came to past. Something that I was blind to before since my beliefs about life was very negative pre-Abe.

I want to do, and WILL DO the same with money. I want to finally decide to become rich, practice that vibration, change my mind and beliefs about myself and money and create a reality where I am rich and have a lot of money. Instead of holding myself back because of how other people feel about those who have a lot of money and wealth, which is also my downfall as well.

It’s up to me to decide what is best for me and to go after the things that I truly want, and every desire that you have, the universe can deliver it in full manifested form. The desire that I have to become rich is one that I always had and know is the kind of life that I would most enjoy.

I want to start looking at myself and money and start peeling back the deeper negative beliefs and assumptions that I have about it and change it for the better. I want to see myself in a new way and blossom in a way where I’m having different experiences and changes in the way money makes its way to me.

This is one of the most exciting things that I decided to do so far because this is something that I’ve been holding back for many years. But now, I’m deciding to address the elephant in the room and finally make space for the kind of money that I want to allow in my life, than entertaining false premises and negative thinking when it comes to attracting and maintaining wealth in my life.

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Change Your Story Change Your Life

I’m realizing just how much changing the story I tell myself is important. That instead of watching other people live their lives and go after what they want, sitting in jealousy and envy, I can change my own life around. I can do exactly what I want to do as well, but I have to stop the bullshit story I keep telling myself.

It’s really disempowering looking at people on YouTube (or social media in general) and think to yourself how lucky and amazing they are, and how unfortunate I am. That somehow because of how I grew up or whatever, I can’t achieve the same things. It’s really all bullshit at the end of the day. I’m just as capable as they are, but if I’m not telling myself that story that I can do it, than how can I possibly make that leap? How can it be possible for me if I keep telling myself that I can’t or whatever excuses I make up because I’m feeling sorry for myself.

And a part of me wanted to feel bad for myself. I wanted to be the victim, but the problem with that is that I can’t be the hero. If I’m the victim of my circumstances than there is no room for change, I’m the victim after all. That doesn’t feel good, and that only leads me to make more excuses about dumb stuff that isn’t important or relevant in the grand scheme of things. I saw that yesterday, I saw how much I wanted to be the victim and how much I wanted to stay stuck because I was determined to be right. I wanted to be right and for the world to be wrong, and that doesn’t serve me one bit.

The only thing that I get is where I’m sitting in, victimhood and jealousy, and really, stagnation. That sucks. That’s a bullshit prize.

It just freaking sucks. So I decided to change that. I wanted to change that because I was sick of holding myself back for stupid reasons that don’t even matter. So what if people don’t do things the way I would want them to be done. I can’t control what other people do anyway so I can only do what I can do and leave the rest alone. To stop worrying and fussing over everything. Not that I don’t have a good reason to fuss but I can’t fuss enough to change things. I can surly advocate for myself, that is taking action and responsibly, but I was just complaining and not willing to move on with life.

That is what kept me stuck for so long.

I don’t know what you’ve might have been going through the last few days, weeks, months or years but I challenge you to really look at yourself right now and ask yourself, is it worth it? Is it worth it being right when you sacrifice your own growth at the end? Even if you are justified to feel the way you do (hell we all do) is it worth it to keep that resentment inside you for so long that you don’t even recognize yourself anymore?

I tell you it’s not, even if you think it is. Because nothing hurts more than not moving on, being stuck and really, not being able to create your own reality.

Being a victim sucks, and it sucks because you’re powerless in the situation. And I’ll be damned if I tell myself that story again.

Peace, love and ramen,

Kai <3

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Vision 95: Acceptance and Flow

I really went off track in the last few months. In my honest attempt to progress and advance my life to the “standards” that society wants me to be, I lost myself. Stress, busyness, resistance and doing too many things that I simply didn’t want to do filled my weeks for months, while I held on the dreams of restarting my YouTube, buying a better camera and being able to move into a new apartment.

Getting what I wanted as soon as possible, were more important than how I felt, and because I thought that pushing ahead, harder and stronger was the best way to do that, I ended up burning myself out. Not only I burned myself out, but things started to unravel. Not that everything turned bad, but the path towards what I want simply broke apart even before I could really get started and really put my dreams into action.

Frustrated, with not only the universe but with myself, I just shut down. I stopped listening to the universe, I didn’t want to hear it. I didn’t want to “trust” that I’ll get what I want only to be disappointed again.

I know it was my own doing that lead to my own disappointment and more so, my need to be “normal” and up to par with everyone else.

Acceptance is a funny thing, you’ll almost do anything for it but somehow the more you try to get it, the less of who you are you become.

You’ll trade your authenticity for acceptance. I seem to confuse the acceptance from others and jumping through hoops for being good, normal and on the right path. However, what I found is the more I try to be “normal” the more off my real path I become. Life doesn’t make sense, the things that I try to do don’t work out and I feel an emptiness within myself… I know I’m not being true to who I am, but I’m afraid to be exposed for my flaws. I want to blend in so people won’t see my shortcomings.

That simply doesn’t work. I tried that way of life for years, trying to be normal and imposing what I felt was right, how things should be while living with my family. It only kept me stuck in dysfunction and chaos. Attempting to force things into place didn’t work then and doesn’t work now, no matter how much I want to succeed.

I don’t need to be anything different than who I am, and the fear that I feel of being seen as who I am is groundless. What I feel is wrong with me is what wrong with everyone, I’m simply human and I’m not perfect.

I shouldn’t allow superficial flaws and idealism to stop me from the real progress, my own healing, recovery and self-acceptance. That is my only work and it does work in my life. Life goes a lot smoother, opportunities find me and I feel like myself. Everything just works and flows. When I seek validation from others, life is no longer fun, and I’m in constant resistance.

I deserve my own true happiness, joy and sense of peace in my life and it doesn’t matter where it comes from or how I get it. Even if I do all the “wrong” things in the world’s eye’s if it makes me whole, then I’m right in what I do.

I don’t have to look outside myself anymore.

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Vision 94: Life is Good

The most important thing that I can ever do for myself on a day to day basis is be kind to myself. To love myself unconditionally, to treat myself well, to say kind things to myself and to always stay focus on the universal love that is always shining on me.

Freedom is so important to me, it’s my everything because it’s the number one thing that I strive for in all I do, and I didn’t even know it till recently. I love myself, but I seem to love myself more when I allow myself to be all that who I really am, than trying to fit myself in someone else’s ideals.

I don’t care to be everything to everybody, that was never my job. But it is my job to make myself happy, and that has been getting easier for me every day, even in days where I forget. Sometimes just that gentle reminder to love myself changes the whole game for me powerfully in a way that I would never expect. It’s a good feeling knowing that I have control over how I feel and how my life goes, because when I didn’t believe that, life wasn’t joyful at all.

Expressing myself has gotten easier too. Art has been my first love (maybe after video games) and I’m taking my joy and power back from the idea that I had to be a certain way to be a great artist. Now, I’m practicing loving myself through loving my art and being open to my unique ideas again, and THAT has been shifting my world in amazing ways.

Art shows, professional art classes, a paid apprenticeship, growth in skills, playing in new mediums and feeling better about myself as an artist is just the few of many things that happened after I got down and dirty with my less than joyful idea of who I was as an artist. It’s been about a year since I started working on this subject so I’ve barely scratched the surface, however, I can tell how powerful art is in my life and my sense of creativity. It has opened a lot of doors for me and I’ve been walking through all of them.

Life is good, really good and I have myself to account for that because I made it my business to choose happiness over everything else, even when other people had other ideas on what I should be doing.

I never need to suffer. I never need to be without and I never need to prove myself to anyone or anything. My life is good and as long as I hold my own self-love, happiness, joy, fun and freedom on top of my list, life will continue to be good.

And that is something that I DO want.

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Vision 91: False Sense of Power

I’m just realizing how much control I really don’t have over the world at large and how much energy I waste in the thoughts and attempts to manipulate the world into what I think it should be.

I see that for a good chunk of my life I’ve been worried about what might happen, what is currently happening and what might not happen. When I’m in these thoughts and actions, in hopes to change things into my favor, I lose myself. I lose my sense of self and my sense of being in the present. There is something about worry, anxiety, stress, depression and the like that separates me so acutely from who I am. To the extent I can’t even remember the true purpose and the point of living.

I’m so enamored with constant messages to be this, or to do that, that I forget who I am and the things that “I” want to do and create for myself.

Even with trimming my schedule and lessening my unproductive interactions I have with the outside world, I still feel obligated to “show up,” socialize, help people, post things online, be productive and things just to “keep up” with everyone else. But if I were to be honest with myself, I couldn’t give a damn. I don’t want to keep up with every single thing that everyone is doing, and certainly I want more time to myself to be myself. I lose myself too often on a daily basis just to save face on some level.

I want to be free, free of all the things that I really don’t want to be bothered with. I want to be more alone and spend more time with myself in my own energy, even though I have my own place. I guess what I’m really saying is that I need to, even more, let go of the things that I don’t want to be bothered with because it’s keeping me in a space where I feel I have to jump through every hoop or even at the least, have my mind on things I really can’t control.

The quote “Relax, nothing is in control” resonates so deeply with me because I know that is the spiritual truth of it all. Nothing is really “in control,” everything is just “is.”

Maybe that is why I feel my best when I let go of the concept of time, trying to fix all my activities in neat little time slots, trying to plan ahead to avoid danger and simply trying my damndest to control the world around me. There is no need for me to control anything because everything is working as it should. It is me that needs not to be in control so that I can allow the universe to work around me and my own unique vibration.

I’m sabotaging my own self in the false belief of controlling the uncontrollable. The more I worry about and try to control, the more time I lose being in the moment and actually doing the things I truly want to do that will lead to the things I really want and desire.

But I always have a choice and seeing how my most recent actions are producing results that I don’t like, I can change how I do things, so that it suits me purely and my own happiness so that I’m happy with myself and my life.

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Vision 90: The Present Moment

It’s been a few days since I started to go back to my self-care routine, following fully in my bliss and deciding to be present in the moment, than dreaming about the future.

What I noticed most about my life and manifesting the things that I want is that I assume that just by visualizing, day dreaming and imagining the things I want in the future, somehow, the future will suddenly be here. That I’ll have everything I want, and I’ll be living the life I always wanted. I’ll be different, my personality will be different, my destiny will be different and the me that I am today will be gone.

But time and time again, it’s always shown to me that the person I am today, the core of who I am, will be the person and being that will be in the future that I’m imagining.

Without the me “today” there will be no me in the future. And without me being in the present, the future that I’m dreaming about can’t manifest itself to me, mostly because I’m stuck in a state of discomfort, anxiety and worry about the things that might or not might happen. But the point is in life is to create, I create my future through the present moment. I constantly take what I have and create and manifest more of it.

The future that I’m living today is last year’s dream which came from last year’s physical creation in that moment. I am here to create, the moment I’m living in now is the most furthest place I’ll ever be. There is no real future, just what I’m imagining and desiring it to be in the present. However, the future becomes today by not only my focus on what I want, but the act of creating the future today, not someday when things become perfect.

I believe that all that I want will surely come, not because it magically appears when I wake up, but by me honoring myself as I am right now and making it more. That is what manifestation is really about. Taking what you want, who you are, honoring it and making it into something more. It’s the reason why I’m here and the reason why I chose to be a creator in this reality, because it feels good to get my feet wet.

It feels good to see what I have now. It feels good knowing I can create the future how I really want it today. It feels good to know that I can start doing the things I love now, than having to wait in the future. It feels good that my future, loving and brilliant self emanates into my now in the present. And bit by bit constantly greets me and guides me to where I need to go to become the future I desire.

It feels good to cultivate this positive, affirming state of being. This is what gives me life, this is what keeps me in the present, this is what keeps me happy about the present that I’m in, than hopeful for a better future.

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