Showing posts with label Daily blog. Show all posts
Showing posts with label Daily blog. Show all posts

Friday, June 23, 2017

Vision 95: Acceptance and Flow


I really went off track in the last few months. In my honest attempt to progress and advance my life to the “standards” that society wants me to be, I lost myself. Stress, busyness, resistance and doing too many things that I simply didn’t want to do filled my weeks for months, while I held on the dreams of restarting my YouTube, buying a better camera and being able to move into a new apartment.

Getting what I wanted as soon as possible, were more important than how I felt, and because I thought that pushing ahead, harder and stronger was the best way to do that, I ended up burning myself out. Not only I burned myself out, but things started to unravel. Not that everything turned bad, but the path towards what I want simply broke apart even before I could really get started and really put my dreams into action.

Frustrated, with not only the universe but with myself, I just shut down. I stopped listening to the universe, I didn’t want to hear it. I didn’t want to “trust” that I’ll get what I want only to be disappointed again.

I know it was my own doing that lead to my own disappointment and more so, my need to be “normal” and up to par with everyone else.

Acceptance is a funny thing, you’ll almost do anything for it but somehow the more you try to get it, the less of who you are you become.

You’ll trade your authenticity for acceptance. I seem to confuse the acceptance from others and jumping through hoops for being good, normal and on the right path. However, what I found is the more I try to be “normal” the more off my real path I become. Life doesn’t make sense, the things that I try to do don’t work out and I feel an emptiness within myself… I know I’m not being true to who I am, but I’m afraid to be exposed for my flaws. I want to blend in so people won’t see my shortcomings.

That simply doesn’t work. I tried that way of life for years, trying to be normal and imposing what I felt was right, how things should be while living with my family. It only kept me stuck in dysfunction and chaos. Attempting to force things into place didn’t work then and doesn’t work now, no matter how much I want to succeed.

I don’t need to be anything different than who I am, and the fear that I feel of being seen as who I am is groundless. What I feel is wrong with me is what wrong with everyone, I’m simply human and I’m not perfect.

I shouldn’t allow superficial flaws and idealism to stop me from the real progress, my own healing, recovery and self-acceptance. That is my only work and it does work in my life. Life goes a lot smoother, opportunities find me and I feel like myself. Everything just works and flows. When I seek validation from others, life is no longer fun, and I’m in constant resistance.

I deserve my own true happiness, joy and sense of peace in my life and it doesn’t matter where it comes from or how I get it. Even if I do all the “wrong” things in the world’s eye’s if it makes me whole, then I’m right in what I do.

I don’t have to look outside myself anymore.
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Sunday, January 8, 2017

Vision 94: Life is Good



The most important thing that I can ever do for myself on a day to day basis is be kind to myself. To love myself unconditionally, to treat myself well, to say kind things to myself and to always stay focus on the universal love that is always shining on me.

Freedom is so important to me, it’s my everything because it’s the number one thing that I strive for in all I do, and I didn’t even know it till recently. I love myself, but I seem to love myself more when I allow myself to be all that who I really am, than trying to fit myself in someone else’s ideals.

I don’t care to be everything to everybody, that was never my job. But it is my job to make myself happy, and that has been getting easier for me every day, even in days where I forget. Sometimes just that gentle reminder to love myself changes the whole game for me powerfully in a way that I would never expect. It’s a good feeling knowing that I have control over how I feel and how my life goes, because when I didn’t believe that, life wasn’t joyful at all.

Expressing myself has gotten easier too. Art has been my first love (maybe after video games) and I’m taking my joy and power back from the idea that I had to be a certain way to be a great artist. Now, I’m practicing loving myself through loving my art and being open to my unique ideas again, and THAT has been shifting my world in amazing ways.

Art shows, professional art classes, a paid apprenticeship, growth in skills, playing in new mediums and feeling better about myself as an artist is just the few of many things that happened after I got down and dirty with my less than joyful idea of who I was as an artist. It’s been about a year since I started working on this subject so I’ve barely scratched the surface, however, I can tell how powerful art is in my life and my sense of creativity. It has opened a lot of doors for me and I’ve been walking through all of them.

Life is good, really good and I have myself to account for that because I made it my business to choose happiness over everything else, even when other people had other ideas on what I should be doing.

I never need to suffer. I never need to be without and I never need to prove myself to anyone or anything. My life is good and as long as I hold my own self-love, happiness, joy, fun and freedom on top of my list, life will continue to be good.

And that is something that I DO want.
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Tuesday, October 18, 2016

Vision 91: False Sense of Power


I’m just realizing how much control I really don’t have over the world at large and how much energy I waste in the thoughts and attempts to manipulate the world into what I think it should be.

I see that for a good chunk of my life I’ve been worried about what might happen, what is currently happening and what might not happen. When I’m in these thoughts and actions, in hopes to change things into my favor, I lose myself. I lose my sense of self and my sense of being in the present. There is something about worry, anxiety, stress, depression and the like that separates me so acutely from who I am. To the extent I can’t even remember the true purpose and the point of living.

I’m so enamored with constant messages to be this, or to do that, that I forget who I am and the things that “I” want to do and create for myself.

Even with trimming my schedule and lessening my unproductive interactions I have with the outside world, I still feel obligated to “show up,” socialize, help people, post things online, be productive and things just to “keep up” with everyone else. But if I were to be honest with myself, I couldn’t give a damn. I don’t want to keep up with every single thing that everyone is doing, and certainly I want more time to myself to be myself. I lose myself too often on a daily basis just to save face on some level.

I want to be free, free of all the things that I really don’t want to be bothered with. I want to be more alone and spend more time with myself in my own energy, even though I have my own place. I guess what I’m really saying is that I need to, even more, let go of the things that I don’t want to be bothered with because it’s keeping me in a space where I feel I have to jump through every hoop or even at the least, have my mind on things I really can’t control.

The quote “Relax, nothing is in control” resonates so deeply with me because I know that is the spiritual truth of it all. Nothing is really “in control,” everything is just “is.”

Maybe that is why I feel my best when I let go of the concept of time, trying to fix all my activities in neat little time slots, trying to plan ahead to avoid danger and simply trying my damndest to control the world around me. There is no need for me to control anything because everything is working as it should. It is me that needs not to be in control so that I can allow the universe to work around me and my own unique vibration.

I’m sabotaging my own self in the false belief of controlling the uncontrollable. The more I worry about and try to control, the more time I lose being in the moment and actually doing the things I truly want to do that will lead to the things I really want and desire.

But I always have a choice and seeing how my most recent actions are producing results that I don’t like, I can change how I do things, so that it suits me purely and my own happiness so that I’m happy with myself and my life.

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Thursday, October 13, 2016

Vision 90: The Present Moment


It’s been a few days since I started to go back to my self-care routine, following fully in my bliss and deciding to be present in the moment, than dreaming about the future.

What I noticed most about my life and manifesting the things that I want is that I assume that just by visualizing, day dreaming and imagining the things I want in the future, somehow, the future will suddenly be here. That I’ll have everything I want, and I’ll be living the life I always wanted. I’ll be different, my personality will be different, my destiny will be different and the me that I am today will be gone.

But time and time again, it’s always shown to me that the person I am today, the core of who I am, will be the person and being that will be in the future that I’m imagining.

Without the me “today” there will be no me in the future. And without me being in the present, the future that I’m dreaming about can’t manifest itself to me, mostly because I’m stuck in a state of discomfort, anxiety and worry about the things that might or not might happen. But the point is in life is to create, I create my future through the present moment. I constantly take what I have and create and manifest more of it.

The future that I’m living today is last year’s dream which came from last year’s physical creation in that moment. I am here to create, the moment I’m living in now is the most furthest place I’ll ever be. There is no real future, just what I’m imagining and desiring it to be in the present. However, the future becomes today by not only my focus on what I want, but the act of creating the future today, not someday when things become perfect.

I believe that all that I want will surely come, not because it magically appears when I wake up, but by me honoring myself as I am right now and making it more. That is what manifestation is really about. Taking what you want, who you are, honoring it and making it into something more. It’s the reason why I’m here and the reason why I chose to be a creator in this reality, because it feels good to get my feet wet.

It feels good to see what I have now. It feels good knowing I can create the future how I really want it today. It feels good to know that I can start doing the things I love now, than having to wait in the future. It feels good that my future, loving and brilliant self emanates into my now in the present. And bit by bit constantly greets me and guides me to where I need to go to become the future I desire.

It feels good to cultivate this positive, affirming state of being. This is what gives me life, this is what keeps me in the present, this is what keeps me happy about the present that I’m in, than hopeful for a better future.
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