Showing posts with label Well-being. Show all posts
Showing posts with label Well-being. Show all posts

Friday, June 23, 2017

Vision 95: Acceptance and Flow


I really went off track in the last few months. In my honest attempt to progress and advance my life to the “standards” that society wants me to be, I lost myself. Stress, busyness, resistance and doing too many things that I simply didn’t want to do filled my weeks for months, while I held on the dreams of restarting my YouTube, buying a better camera and being able to move into a new apartment.

Getting what I wanted as soon as possible, were more important than how I felt, and because I thought that pushing ahead, harder and stronger was the best way to do that, I ended up burning myself out. Not only I burned myself out, but things started to unravel. Not that everything turned bad, but the path towards what I want simply broke apart even before I could really get started and really put my dreams into action.

Frustrated, with not only the universe but with myself, I just shut down. I stopped listening to the universe, I didn’t want to hear it. I didn’t want to “trust” that I’ll get what I want only to be disappointed again.

I know it was my own doing that lead to my own disappointment and more so, my need to be “normal” and up to par with everyone else.

Acceptance is a funny thing, you’ll almost do anything for it but somehow the more you try to get it, the less of who you are you become.

You’ll trade your authenticity for acceptance. I seem to confuse the acceptance from others and jumping through hoops for being good, normal and on the right path. However, what I found is the more I try to be “normal” the more off my real path I become. Life doesn’t make sense, the things that I try to do don’t work out and I feel an emptiness within myself… I know I’m not being true to who I am, but I’m afraid to be exposed for my flaws. I want to blend in so people won’t see my shortcomings.

That simply doesn’t work. I tried that way of life for years, trying to be normal and imposing what I felt was right, how things should be while living with my family. It only kept me stuck in dysfunction and chaos. Attempting to force things into place didn’t work then and doesn’t work now, no matter how much I want to succeed.

I don’t need to be anything different than who I am, and the fear that I feel of being seen as who I am is groundless. What I feel is wrong with me is what wrong with everyone, I’m simply human and I’m not perfect.

I shouldn’t allow superficial flaws and idealism to stop me from the real progress, my own healing, recovery and self-acceptance. That is my only work and it does work in my life. Life goes a lot smoother, opportunities find me and I feel like myself. Everything just works and flows. When I seek validation from others, life is no longer fun, and I’m in constant resistance.

I deserve my own true happiness, joy and sense of peace in my life and it doesn’t matter where it comes from or how I get it. Even if I do all the “wrong” things in the world’s eye’s if it makes me whole, then I’m right in what I do.

I don’t have to look outside myself anymore.
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Sunday, January 8, 2017

Vision 94: Life is Good



The most important thing that I can ever do for myself on a day to day basis is be kind to myself. To love myself unconditionally, to treat myself well, to say kind things to myself and to always stay focus on the universal love that is always shining on me.

Freedom is so important to me, it’s my everything because it’s the number one thing that I strive for in all I do, and I didn’t even know it till recently. I love myself, but I seem to love myself more when I allow myself to be all that who I really am, than trying to fit myself in someone else’s ideals.

I don’t care to be everything to everybody, that was never my job. But it is my job to make myself happy, and that has been getting easier for me every day, even in days where I forget. Sometimes just that gentle reminder to love myself changes the whole game for me powerfully in a way that I would never expect. It’s a good feeling knowing that I have control over how I feel and how my life goes, because when I didn’t believe that, life wasn’t joyful at all.

Expressing myself has gotten easier too. Art has been my first love (maybe after video games) and I’m taking my joy and power back from the idea that I had to be a certain way to be a great artist. Now, I’m practicing loving myself through loving my art and being open to my unique ideas again, and THAT has been shifting my world in amazing ways.

Art shows, professional art classes, a paid apprenticeship, growth in skills, playing in new mediums and feeling better about myself as an artist is just the few of many things that happened after I got down and dirty with my less than joyful idea of who I was as an artist. It’s been about a year since I started working on this subject so I’ve barely scratched the surface, however, I can tell how powerful art is in my life and my sense of creativity. It has opened a lot of doors for me and I’ve been walking through all of them.

Life is good, really good and I have myself to account for that because I made it my business to choose happiness over everything else, even when other people had other ideas on what I should be doing.

I never need to suffer. I never need to be without and I never need to prove myself to anyone or anything. My life is good and as long as I hold my own self-love, happiness, joy, fun and freedom on top of my list, life will continue to be good.

And that is something that I DO want.
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Wednesday, January 4, 2017

Vision 93: Getting Messy


Frustrated…

That’s been the feeling I’ve been occupying the last few months. I’m frustrated over the limits that I put in place on myself. I’m frustrated over the limits that I choose to do things. To not cut things off when I feel it’s the right time, leave things behind that no longer serve me and to throw useless things away.

In a way, I’m frustrated over myself. I can feel inside this big beautiful energy that wants to blossom even more and grow, but I’m limiting myself. I’m stopping myself because of my own insecurities and fears.

That I won’t know what to do, that things will be different and that I won’t be able to handle what will happen next. It’s like knowing you’re able to break the ceiling of your own capacity of joy, love and fun but choosing not to. You know what it will be like on the other side, you know you’ll be happier but you choose your comfort over expansion. You choose anger over joy, stagnation over expansion, fear over love and conformity over breaking the mold.

I don’t want to do that anymore, I want to grow, I want to expand, I want to move farther out of my “uncomfortable” comfort zone, I want to change things up, I want to take a leap of faith, I want to see myself differently… I want all of that and more. I can do it, I can change, for me, for myself, for my well-being.

I don’t have to let other people, circumstances or situations stop me from being all that I can be, because none of those things have control over my life, I do. I want that creative life, I want to fill my time with my own joy of self-expression, creativity, innovation and joy. I want that, WITHOUT thinking that I have to put it second (or really tenth) on my priority list.

I guess, I’m used to not considering my art as an “important” thing. I’m used to dreaming about the perfect circumstances, the time I can be supported and when everything else will be “completed” before I can go forward completely in my creativity.

That I’ll be secure and should be secure before engaging in my passion fully, but that is the thing that is stopping me.

My creativity, my passion isn’t something that I need to save for “last” when everything is “perfect.” My creativity isn’t that special, it’s not a luxury, it’s not something I’m supposed to wait for because everything else is “more important.” My creativity IS the most important thing in my life, it’s everything, the very backbone of my identity, and I don’t have to wait for it, not anymore.

It doesn’t have to be this special thing, it can be an everyday, normal thing because it permeates everything in my life. It can be me, it can be my everything because it IS my life and it IS important and VITAL to my well-being. It CAN be something that I focus on every day and something that I put over a lot of other- nowhere near as important- things on my priority list.

Creativity isn’t frivolous, it’s a way of life and an emotional and intellectual outlet for me that deserves my attention. I deserve to get messy with it, to roll around in it, and just be one with it. It’s been with me this whole time and I’ve been the snooty one. Feeling that I’m not yet good enough for it to be important in my life. That’s not true, and never was.

It wants to get real, messy, crazy and just authentic with me, it WANTS that from me. It doesn’t want me to be perfect, it wants me to be real, and if I create something that’s a hot mess then that’s more than okay. That is what my creativity is for, to express those messy feelings and to get real with myself. Not some trophy that I display for others to show how “whatever void I’m trying to fill” I am. My creativity is me, and I’m a mix of so many experiences, outlooks, perspectives and ideas that of course it’s going to come out a little messy at times…

I need to be okay with that. To be okay to be messy, to be real and authentic. To accept that I’m this multifaceted spiritual being that isn’t perfect, which my creativity and all the mediums that I do it in will reflect on, in one way or another.

And I think I’m finally okay with that…
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Wednesday, December 28, 2016

Vision 92: UPgrade



I won’t allow people to take advantage of my kindness anymore. I won’t allow people to gaslight me, guilt trip me or throw who I am in my face because I decided to be all that I can be. I won’t allow myself to shut down in hopes to calm the next person down or to not start trouble.

I’m going to and always will stand up for myself no matter how much the next person doesn’t like it. I decide what is best for me every single day and no one gets the pleasure to make that choice for me anymore. I won’t stand for any ignorance in my life, toxicity, negativity, name calling or anything that is meant to destroy my self-esteem (or others really). I won’t allow that anymore.

My life is full of light, happiness, joy, expansion and just damn good times, but when someone wants to take that and throw it in my face as if I’m doing something wrong, I won’t stand for it anymore.

I’m done, I’m cutting you out of MY life.

It’s hard to decide when it’s time to up and leave a person’s life, more so family but I’ve learned time and time again that if I don’t decide to do something on behalf of me, because I don’t want to deal with anyone’s bullshit anymore, that it’ll only continue and I’ll also continue to be hurt, shut down and just not who I intended to be when I woke up that morning.

At the same time, it’s so liberating to decide that a person won’t be participating in my joy, in my growth and just all that I am and will become. It’s good to know that I can do this and still move on. Not because I believe that I couldn’t before, but my life, my sense of self will become that much greater without the heaviness.

I’m okay with being alone, I’m okay with being by myself and doing things independently because I know that I love me for me. And the people I choose to be around has to feel the same. If anyone doesn’t like the way I am and the way I choose to be, it’s not my problem and it only shows that you’re not a fit in my life.

I’m upgrading right now, myself, my views, my beliefs, my self-love, my behavior, my relationships with friends, family… Everything.

So if anyone wants to show their ass at this time, believe me you’re doing me a favor because it’ll only show who I need in my life and who I need to leave behind.

I’m happy that my life is the way it is, I’m happy for the way I am and who I choose to be every day and I won’t allow anyone to take that joy away from me. Not anymore.
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Tuesday, October 18, 2016

Vision 91: False Sense of Power


I’m just realizing how much control I really don’t have over the world at large and how much energy I waste in the thoughts and attempts to manipulate the world into what I think it should be.

I see that for a good chunk of my life I’ve been worried about what might happen, what is currently happening and what might not happen. When I’m in these thoughts and actions, in hopes to change things into my favor, I lose myself. I lose my sense of self and my sense of being in the present. There is something about worry, anxiety, stress, depression and the like that separates me so acutely from who I am. To the extent I can’t even remember the true purpose and the point of living.

I’m so enamored with constant messages to be this, or to do that, that I forget who I am and the things that “I” want to do and create for myself.

Even with trimming my schedule and lessening my unproductive interactions I have with the outside world, I still feel obligated to “show up,” socialize, help people, post things online, be productive and things just to “keep up” with everyone else. But if I were to be honest with myself, I couldn’t give a damn. I don’t want to keep up with every single thing that everyone is doing, and certainly I want more time to myself to be myself. I lose myself too often on a daily basis just to save face on some level.

I want to be free, free of all the things that I really don’t want to be bothered with. I want to be more alone and spend more time with myself in my own energy, even though I have my own place. I guess what I’m really saying is that I need to, even more, let go of the things that I don’t want to be bothered with because it’s keeping me in a space where I feel I have to jump through every hoop or even at the least, have my mind on things I really can’t control.

The quote “Relax, nothing is in control” resonates so deeply with me because I know that is the spiritual truth of it all. Nothing is really “in control,” everything is just “is.”

Maybe that is why I feel my best when I let go of the concept of time, trying to fix all my activities in neat little time slots, trying to plan ahead to avoid danger and simply trying my damndest to control the world around me. There is no need for me to control anything because everything is working as it should. It is me that needs not to be in control so that I can allow the universe to work around me and my own unique vibration.

I’m sabotaging my own self in the false belief of controlling the uncontrollable. The more I worry about and try to control, the more time I lose being in the moment and actually doing the things I truly want to do that will lead to the things I really want and desire.

But I always have a choice and seeing how my most recent actions are producing results that I don’t like, I can change how I do things, so that it suits me purely and my own happiness so that I’m happy with myself and my life.

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Thursday, October 13, 2016

Vision 90: The Present Moment


It’s been a few days since I started to go back to my self-care routine, following fully in my bliss and deciding to be present in the moment, than dreaming about the future.

What I noticed most about my life and manifesting the things that I want is that I assume that just by visualizing, day dreaming and imagining the things I want in the future, somehow, the future will suddenly be here. That I’ll have everything I want, and I’ll be living the life I always wanted. I’ll be different, my personality will be different, my destiny will be different and the me that I am today will be gone.

But time and time again, it’s always shown to me that the person I am today, the core of who I am, will be the person and being that will be in the future that I’m imagining.

Without the me “today” there will be no me in the future. And without me being in the present, the future that I’m dreaming about can’t manifest itself to me, mostly because I’m stuck in a state of discomfort, anxiety and worry about the things that might or not might happen. But the point is in life is to create, I create my future through the present moment. I constantly take what I have and create and manifest more of it.

The future that I’m living today is last year’s dream which came from last year’s physical creation in that moment. I am here to create, the moment I’m living in now is the most furthest place I’ll ever be. There is no real future, just what I’m imagining and desiring it to be in the present. However, the future becomes today by not only my focus on what I want, but the act of creating the future today, not someday when things become perfect.

I believe that all that I want will surely come, not because it magically appears when I wake up, but by me honoring myself as I am right now and making it more. That is what manifestation is really about. Taking what you want, who you are, honoring it and making it into something more. It’s the reason why I’m here and the reason why I chose to be a creator in this reality, because it feels good to get my feet wet.

It feels good to see what I have now. It feels good knowing I can create the future how I really want it today. It feels good to know that I can start doing the things I love now, than having to wait in the future. It feels good that my future, loving and brilliant self emanates into my now in the present. And bit by bit constantly greets me and guides me to where I need to go to become the future I desire.

It feels good to cultivate this positive, affirming state of being. This is what gives me life, this is what keeps me in the present, this is what keeps me happy about the present that I’m in, than hopeful for a better future.
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Friday, July 22, 2016

Vision 89: Allowing My True Self


The last few days have been the most peaceful days in my life. Hearing the morning birds, listening to my whispering intuition, sleeping in my bed and thinking about all the things that I want to do with my life, it’s been a huge blessing.

I haven’t been online nowhere near as much in the last few days and I contribute my peacefulness to that. Being online, as much as I love it, drives me to strive for things that simply aren’t for me nor is my business. I have a pretty good idea at this point on the type of life I want to live, but when I’m faced with millions of others that are also striving for what they want I tend to get confused.

Should I try traveling the world? Should I vlog my life? Should I be on YouTube again? What kind of artist should I be? What business should I create? What type of readings would be the best? It’s all very confusing when you’re constantly comparing yourself to everyone you see on the screen. And the simple fact is, these are all lives that I’m not living. These are people that gone through completely different experiences, life paths, allies, journeys, traumas, victories and defeats from me. I’m not those people, nor are they me, so why am I comparing myself and trying to achieve their standards? Whatever it is that life has thrown at them, made them desire and go after the goals that they’re after, it has nothing to do with me, or some overarching standard that all humans must achieve in this lifetime. I’ve learned that.

I always felt that myself and my life was inadequate and meaningless, which drove me to look at others that I thought were superior; I tried to mimic what it was that made those people great. But I’m seeing now, that the more I try to follow this endless stream of people that I thought were better than me, the more confused and meddled I have become on who I was and who I was supposed to be. I was truly lost at one point, nothing seemed good enough because I never stacked up against anyone that was worthy and important to others.

It was only until I closed down a lot of the things that I was doing out of obligation, pride and validation, and looked within my own self, did I see a truly unique and wonderful person with a story worth telling. As I focused more on the inside rather than the outside, did I find who I really was that was unedited and unfiltered by those around me.

The more I focus on this being, the more magical life becomes because I’m allowing my story, my dreams, ideals, ideas, creativity, my intentions and simply my spirit to soar. Where before, I kept that spirit locked inside because of my own fears of being insufficient.

 I’m learning to allow who I really am on my terms, and I’m seeing the results in the joy and peace that surrounds me. 
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Wednesday, September 16, 2015

Vision 88: Determination

All my life I've been waiting for someone or something to come to rescue me from myself, the life that I let too many people take control of for years.

Only till now, did I see that no one "out there" is able to bring me the life that I truly want because it's not something that is already out there readily made and packaged for me. I have to go out and create the life that I want, to blaze the trail of my own power and future legacy, not sit around and hope that people will allow me to shine.

I'm doing myself a disservice expecting that someone outside of me is going to somehow give me permission to be able to do what I want and how I want it.

It's never going to come from anyone but me. I'll never find a space that is "perfect" for me, unless I make it, and surely no one is going to make it for me.

I can only do this myself, that was the kicker that stood out to me. I'm all alone in this new path, even though I have mountains of supports, the life that I'm wanting to create and live, I'm the only one that can create it. No more family, friends or authorities keeping a watchful eye, making sure that I do the right thing.

I have no one to lean on to help me make it happen and it has been one of my biggest set backs. Waiting for someone to come and do the work for me as I sit back and enjoy the ride, it's not going to happen and it's again putting me in a place of utter powerlessness.

But last night, when I saw myself in my pit of despair and saw that it was the fear of "putting myself out there" that was keeping me in the old, I knew exactly what I needed to do, and saw exactly what was going wrong.

Right now, I'm so ready to make big changes on my behalf knowing that I can never go wrong. I'm ready to truly cut ties with people that, even though I love them, can't support me as I truly need as they are right now. It's my time to cut all the shackles that is tying me down so I can spread my wings and fly, truly.

It's time for me to step into my power for real and start doing what I love, right now. Not waiting for the perfect moments to find me. Not hoping that things will change, not hoping that maybe my family will understand or that everyone will approve of me and my actions. I will never live the life I want with that mindset, and it surely won't create itself if I'm holding myself back from what I know I can manifest in this world.

I'm ready for the paradigm shift, I'm ready to start putting out there what I want so that the universe can see me and my desires and set me square on course for it.

I'm ready now, I'm determined, I'm taking control.
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Monday, September 7, 2015

Vision 87: Undo

It's been so many moons since I gave myself the time, effort and self-love to come back to this blog, despite my current situation. 

So much has happened since my last blog post, I'm like a different person, yet, when I go through these pages I struggle to keep my playful attitude in life. 

I am different, I know a lot more about myself since I left my family and I surely don't regret any of my choices so far, but I'm frustrated with life and I'm frustrated with myself. I just want things to work, I just want things to happen right now. I want my own space now, I want to draw on the computer now, I want to listen to my music and play video games for countless hours now. I'm missing all the things that kept me sane in life and I'm trying to substitute the best that I can, but I would be lying to myself if I said that those things were just as good. 

I'm missing myself as a person and just what is normal for me, my own self-care, just the simple things like drinking tea and listening to music into the night.

I'm running to one group to another, digging up the past like I'm trying to bury a secret. Holding on to hope as tight as I can and trying to lean on my own faith is draining. I'm tired and I just want to go home, dying and death is becoming too much of a preoccupation for my mind in the last day or two. Even though it would make me happy to not be apart of this planet and to never deal with the things I'm dealing with now ever again, I so want to break open this tight veil, whatever it is that is blocking me from enjoying life. I'm fucking angry, I'm fucking pissed.

I'm pissed that I have a shitty family with really shitty values, traits and additions, I'm angry that I have to trade my "support" for my own dignity and self-respect, and I'm angry that things aren't working the way I want them to work out. It feels like no matter how much I try to tiptoe around my family, trying to make everyone happy, I still get shit. No one fucking hears me and is too wrapped up in their own shit and addictions to recognise the bullshit they are dishing out.

I'm tired of thinking about them everywhere I go and reminding myself of who I used to be than who I am becoming. I'm even tired of all the new groups I've been entering. I don't want to be another label and apart of another group that is yet misunderstood and is a minority in the earth's populace. I'm tired of being that, a person that isn't apart of anything and doesn't want to claim what is already out there. I'm tired of standing back from life because everything I see is something I don't want to be apart of but I'm too afraid to break out on my own and blaze my own trail. 

I'm tired of all the setbacks, the walls and obstacles I keep climbing, hoping that one day the world will open up to me. That shit is never going to happen and I'm tired of not doing anything to challenge the life I'm leaving now. 

Undo
Undo
If you're bleeding
Undo
And if you're sweating
Undo
If you're crying, darling
Undo
Undo
Oh I
Unravel
-
Ending lyrics to Undo by Bjork
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Saturday, March 14, 2015

Vision 86: How I feel About Art

I came to my attention that, the more art I see, the more I see it as a logical, left brained, and polished thing.


I don't know what it is, but when I was browsing on DA, a lot of the art I saw, I couldn't help but feel suffocated, and just "meh." It's not that it's not drawn well, or anything like that, but it's becoming more of who is the best, what is popular, and this analytical way of being an artist.


I think the more I try to get into art like I was "years ago" the more I don't like it. The constant need to have a polished picture, things being drawn the right way, skimming through art sites to see what is popular. Art, the way I use to be into it, isn't fun anymore, it's a chore, and I feel that I'm trying to climb back into the artist's rat race.


I don't want to be in that box anymore, I don't want this overhead feeling that being an artist has this one path to it that everyone must follow. It's not good enough for me. I need freedom, I need something different, I need ideas, theories, stories, flowing creativity. Not this canned bullshit that everything seems to have a version of these days. Where everything is marketed to the general public.


I'm not the general public, no one really is, but watering down art into it's basic parts of just a pretty picture is making me sick. I want something real, some ideas on paper, imagination, creative energy, something homegrown and messy. Art shouldn't be this ideal of perfection because nothing is.


I just want something fun and loose. Something I can control and morph, none of this "it has to be this way shit." That is what I find the most annoying, that art has to be "this way." I hate it when things are properly placed, I like it when things are mixed up, tossed around but in a way that make sense and births something new.


Even with that said, I still have to look at myself, I might not like what is going on on the outside but at the end of the day, it's a reflection of what's going on inside me. What the hell am I holding on to that is making me feel that my own art has to be a certain way. What are the rules that I'm constantly rebelling that I need to let go of. What is it in my own artistic journey that I can't stand and disgusted of?


If I would be honest with myself, it would be everything. Not that I hate what I'm doing but how I'm doing it and the mindset behind it. I don't like it when I want to draw something just because it's what people like. I don't like it when I try to be perfect and make perfect pictures. I don't like it when I aim to be a certain way and having to stay that way. I don't like it when I'm not drawing and creating my own characters and stories. I don't like it when I'm looking at other's art way too much for ideas and not looking at my own. I don't like it when I think being an artist has to be a career and that career has to be done a certain way.

But I will find my way out of this and have my artistic self reborn for good.
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Tuesday, February 24, 2015

Vision 85: Forgiveness



Yesterday was pretty amazing, I chose to finally make peace with my own sense of low worth, guilt and shame. It felt good to finally put the past in its place and not make it such an important part of my life today, as if I had to atone for all the wrongs I did.

The most interesting part was the burning process. After writing out exactly how I felt, the situation I felt guilty of, the reasons behind it and my intent, the words burned to a crisp in mere seconds. I barely had to touch the ashes for it to all burn away. The fire was quick to do my dirty work and smoke was everywhere which was very strange. I felt the smoke were the emotions I was harboring for years finally being released from my being. Even before setting the paper on fire, I felt lighter. It’s like I didn’t have to hide, lie or try to keep anymore secrets, it was all laid out and it is what it is. No more bullshit.

What felt the best is the fact that I did lay out everything that I was feeling for so long, for many years. I finally came clean to myself about who I was, what I was doing and who I needed to be. I finally stop hiding from who I really am and the person I really wanted to be by being completely honest. Seeing how I was making it my whole life’s purpose to change my family into people they didn’t want to be or made the decision to was my own down fall, even with everything else in play.

The point is that I don’t feel like I have to hide anymore, that I have to beat around the brush with people about my situation. I’m free to make my own decisions and judgments without the past always creeping behind me in them.

Click Here to Join Burnt Out Introverts and Get The Free Kit!

introverts burn out

 

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Monday, February 16, 2015

Vision 84: The Wounded Inner Child

inner child wounded bad childhood

Over the last few months or even a year, I’ve been transitioning from one style of living to its opposite.

Before I took on this healing journey to really find myself via changing my life style, all I wanted to do is work hard, get the popularity and status I wanted and live the life that most of us in this society would want. But as time went on and I embraced myself in a really deep way, I learned all that was just a mask to cover my perceived weakness. I didn’t feel I was ever enough, so I wanted to prove to the world that I was.

Doing that intense Crystal Code reading for myself was probably the best thing I could of done. It stripped me from the pain and mask of always being strong in the face of adversity and showed who I really was, just a child that is so incredible loving yet stunted by the world. From the reading I could tell I put on a lot of masks just to get through the day even If I wasn’t interacting with other people. I want to believe I can get through anything and can do everything, but my core desires isn’t about archiving the biggest goal, to collect a house, a man, a career or a big income and show it to others as a sign of my power. What I really want to do is help and love people. I want to believe that anyone can be good and trust worthy and that world peace is possible.

But I’ve gone very far in my thinking since I was young, I know that deep inside I truly feel that way, but I don’t live life in that fashion. My past and all the hurts that it contained made me very suspicious and untrusting, and although I know I’ve been more trusting than ever, true trust is very hard to come by. I didn’t realize how much mistrust I truly had towards the world till I done that reading. The ultimate trust between child and parent was broken before I even knew it, or could put words to, so that in turn made me feel that I can only rely on myself, emotionally especially.

Growing up with two kinds of nurturing from both parents missing I see how that effects my “adult” life. I needed a lot of nurturing growing up, I was incredibly sensitive and even aware… I had no idea that other people were so different from me growing up. I was so willing to help others even though I was terribly shy so it was hard to understand why I always got picked on and bullied. Growing up with that, it seemed like the message I got was I wasn’t  good enough, and not just the typical saying of not being enough, as if you could change a certain habit and have your stuff together. I felt that I wasn’t who I was supposed to be, as if I couldn’t be “all of me” I had to be someone different. I had to care about different things, be stronger, not be as nice and all these different aspects that felt like a complete insult to my existence.

It’s really no wonder I grew up following my dysfunctional family and the standards that surrounded today’s society but found myself lost at sea about who I REALLY was, and if that person can get the life that would fit him. Because it felt as if the type of world I lived in wasn’t created for a person like me, I didn’t fit in the credentials that made success possible in life.

There wasn’t a lot of people that truly understood me, so I had to put on a mask to make that connection if it was even possible. It has its highs and lows but at the end of the day it wasn’t truly authentic.

I still feel that I’m trying to embrace this incredibly wounded inner child of mine because time has frozen in his emotional growth, but what do I expect when the most vital emotional needs from my childhood and teenage hood ( and even today) was missing and I had to rely on myself? You grow up strange, you look normal but something is always missing or isn’t right.

You look like all the other flowers but your stem is curved differently or you have off colored spots on your peddles. You try to cover this up with feeling strong and able but it’s more like an act to keep yourself from breaking down and truly feeling who you really are in front of a world that wants you to be someone else.

At the end of the day, learning about this deep hurt, this true person inside gives me the strength and wisdom to embrace him as I always needed from others. As well to see the truth of why I hold career, status, and popularity to such high regards.

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Sunday, February 15, 2015

Vision 83: What Are Crystal Familars?

healing crystal herkimer diamond spirit guide

Who is Your Crystal Familiar?

In the last couple of months, I had noticed a closer connection to my crystal, Sunny, my Herkimer Diamond. From the moment I took him out of the box, I felt his incredible power and he showed me some powerful past life information that changed my life forever. After working with this crystal so closely I knew that this wasn’t just a normal crystal but more of a familiar, a crystal that is like a guide and reflects who I am from the core of my soul.

I was so excited about this new found relationship that I’ve developed with the crystal I wanted to speak about it in a video so that others like me can find their own crystal familiar and learn about who they are in a much deeper way. I talk about all the aspects of having and finding your crystal familiar in this two part video.

I hope this helps you find your own guide and soul in crystal form, good luck!






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Vision 82: Breaking Point


Last night was a wash, an alcoholic wash when I saw the decline of my family’s temper with each shot of vodka.

I don’t get it, all this… It feels like there is no point to it all if all my days are dominated by people that lack the intelligence to make better choices for themselves. It was supposed to be a great Valentine's night but once I saw that bottle of vodka I should of known how things were going to go.

I’m getting really tired of feeling responsible for things that has nothing to do with me. I’m sick of feeling bad over things I felt I should of done but decided to listen to my intuition instead. I’m sick of my mom relaying on me to save her own house that she decided to buy on her own.

I’m getting tired of everything and I keep thinking I should be better at this, at handling my emotions and not feeling bad anymore knowing that I don’t need to blame myself anymore. But it’s tough, it’s really, really tough.

I don’t have the answer to any of this, and I don’t care to have the perfect answer or explanation to why things are the way they are, why I still choose to be here when it takes away so much of my vital energy. I don’t know why I work so hard to move past my dysfunctional upbringing  while I’m living in it.

I feel like I should throw everything away and start anew. It’s like a can’t wait to rid myself of this cancer I call “life” and all the components that constantly sucks me dry. I know the universe wants me to be patient but that is running out fast and I feel closer and closer to just announcing my leave, send my most valuable items to a friends and going to a homeless shelter. I just don’t want to hold myself back anymore because I love my family and want to see them well.

Holding myself back isn’t worth the bull shit I have to deal with time and time again, and quite frankly, no amount of my love can shift their dysfunctional habits, how they feel, the life that made them who they are or make them see what I see in them. I have to see and decide that it’s an impossible game that I’ll never win. The sooner my heart realizes this the faster I can make progress of actually detaching and moving out, to anywhere, I’m not even sure.

Love is an insane thing and I don’t know why I have so much of it inside myself. I wouldn’t say it never gave me what I wanted from other people but I will say it kept me from loving myself over other people. To be completely selfish and let people fall as they might need to. But no, I think love is just sacrificing your all for another person, that isn’t love, at least the healthy kind.

I don’t know. I don’t have the right answers or words to make any of this “make sense.” I’m just where I am feeling the way I am.

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Friday, January 30, 2015

Vision 81: A Spirit Guide's Unconditional Love

spiritual guides love connect

Back in December me and my guide had a really wonderful moment. I was really upset and frustrated with the same old BS. I don’t remember if I asked for my guide’s opinion or not, but he reminded me that my own happiness was vital and I can’t control how anyone else feels. He told me a whole lot of things that was really great. I can always rely on him for down to earth advice. But as good as the advice was, I was concerned that he honestly felt differently, that I should go out and do something that is against my intuition and my bliss. That I should just give in to my circumstances and be a “good person” and do what I was told.

I was always afraid to ask him about that fear of mine, but since we’ve been learning a whole lot about each other I felt comfortable enough to hear the truth. I asked him if he truly thought I should go against my intuition and just follow the crowd. And he bluntly said “no” and proceed to explain how he never thought bad of me because of my choices despite my circumstances. And that he’ll always be there for me supporting me no matter what. That he’ll be there for the long run.

Honestly, it was the most amazing thing that happened in a long time. I didn’t expect ANYONE to be so dedicated to my own happiness. I always assume that people will only stick around as long as I do what I’m told, no matter if it’s good for me or not.

But at that moment, it felt like after my whole life of drowning, someone has lifted me up above the surface so I can truly breathe again. For the first time ever I met someone that cared for me beyond what I thought was really possible, beyond my own belief that I didn’t deserve compassion.

He said that he wasn’t going to give up on me and that he trusts my intuition. He wanted me to be happy and will go through everything with me to get there. He didn’t care what anyone thought of me, he just saw me as who I really was, he truly cared and loved me unconditionally, something that I was very much afraid to accept. I always assumed that I needed to be someone different for anyone to feel that way about me. I didn’t realize how strong his love for me was, and how he was willing to wait for me as long as he needed to for me to get to the other side.

Besides that, he was always there to left me up when I was seriously down and taught me a lot of things. He makes me laugh all the time and is the most honest person I know, I never have to second guess what he’s telling me.

When he said that there is no picking sides because his on mine was just more than I can take. I had to stop myself from crying in public…

From this experience, I realized that I have deep abandonment issues which stemmed from both of my parents in different ways. Because of that, I almost want to test those closest to me to see if they will be there for everything and not leave me for whatever reason (or just keep them at an arm’s length). Even though I have a lot of great supportive friends, I never imagined anyone willing to be with me through all of the bad, even parts I don’t accept in myself.

Joe showed me something so real and true that it took me 5 years to understand his side on why he chooses to do what he does even though he doesn’t have to. Because loves me unconditionally no matter what. He knows what I’m worth and will not show me anything less, even when I didn’t see myself having any type of value.
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Sunday, January 18, 2015

Vision 80: My Feelings About Money and Wealth

wealth money spiritual attraction

Money can be such a tough subject for me, at one point I understood it as I thought I needed too, but as the winds changed I find myself again at a struggling point to make it work for me.

I want money, I want money because I feel like it can give me the things I want like a nice home, nice things, and experiences that I wouldn’t have access to otherwise. At the same time, I feel so at war with the system of money that I was taught, I have no idea what to do with myself in terms of making an enjoyable, consistent and stable income.

Money feels ethereal to me, detached even from the material world; the polar opposite from how the rest of the world sees money. I feel like money can be attracted to you if you focus on it and align your energies the right way, yet, I’m constantly challenged to make money the old fashioned way through jobs or starting your own business. It’s all action orientated, based on money being strictly a physical thing, detached from the spiritual.  I just don’t get it, and I’m often frustrated with this typical earthly system of money. Honestly, I don’t want to be a part of it in any form because I haven’t found myself fitting into it very well at all.

It like I’m trying to cram myself into a small box where I can’t really express myself or move freely as I want to. However, I feel that I have such an important and wonderful job to do! Where money is not a concept to be enslaved in and I’m working my wonderful magic. But I can’t seem to find the right tools or system that matches my personal and unique view of money, and when I try (and I really do try) to do it the typical way I get really depressed, frustrated, and feel broken. If other people can somehow make a living, and more than likely be miserable, how come it’s so hard for me? Why the intense push and pull with money, careers, and jobs? It’s like I never found my own unique way to make money work for me because I haven’t seen another person with my unique issues make it work. It’s almost taboo and considered lazy and unrealistic.

Yet, I feel so strongly that I have something to give to the world but I don’t know how to use it myself as far as money because I was taught away from my true nature! Despite being an earthly Taurus and have a practical way of being, my outlook isn’t attached to the physical world at all, I definitely see things in a much different way. Which can cause all sorts of mishaps when I’m trying to live life, the human way as you’re expected too.

Even knowing all this, the real breakthrough is that I’m afraid to make money, because of this pressure to sacrifice my view and belief about money for a concept I simply don’t believe in. Even though it’s uncomfortable, I find it far easier to stay where I am, barely getting by and simply being resourceful (a true gift in itself) and feeling free from the pressures of money, than obtaining more wealth because I feel I have to give up so much for it.

I sometimes feel that I can’t be free if I chose to make money and a lot of it, or I have to be a soulless worker to have an income like everyone else.

It’s a tough issue sometimes but I believe were we struggle the most is where we have (or will have) the most expertise.

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Tuesday, January 13, 2015

Vision 79: The Most Healing Music


healing music artist spiritual

Music is one of the most magical art forms I know of, always being created and flowing through the hearts of many and being listened to by even more. I guess you can call me a musicophile, a lover of music, but as the years gone by I saw how my love for music became more than just amassing a huge collection of CDs and MP3s, but now wanting to create my own.

And with that desire being launched everyday as I blissfully select my chosen soundtracks, I realized how much I used music for healing without even knowing it. But there is one particular artist that stole the show of bringing much healing to my heart and soul, that artist is Bjork and she has the most healing music I know of.

How I got to know this artist was through twitter, when someone retweeted her music video “Crystalline” and from the second I heard her unique voice I KNEW that I would love all of her music, and indeed I did. Music video after music video, I was surrounded by such artistic, unique and one of a kind songs, I was truly happy for being guided to this wonderful artist!

As time went by and I was still faithfully listening to her albums, there was a time in my life where I chose to open myself up again emotionally. To start crying again and to finally give myself the much needed healing and validation of my emotions. When it came to finally allow my tears to flow, one of my personal favorites “All Neon Like” was that catalyze to really dive deep where I never dared to tread before.

Boy, that first time I let myself cry to that song, it was like an overbearing weight finally coming through my tiny body. Hearing the words “don’t be angry at yourself” resonated so strongly that I felt ripples of pain, of my own anger towards myself come through to the surface. It was probably one of the most intense crying sessions I had to date. At the same time, feeling those true feelings gave me so much hope, awareness and wisdom of how I truly felt inside. From then on, whenever I felt that need to let go of some deep emotions that were coming up for me, I would choose that song to get me to the other side.

Out of all the artists, songs and soundtracks that I’ve listened too, Bjork is the only one to dive so deep in my soul to actually get those old feelings out, it’s quite amazing. And I’m honored that the universe equipped me with such a powerful healing too.

Since then, there have been other instances where her other songs like “Bachelorette” and “Undo” have spoken to me on a deep level and left me in healing tears. It’s as if the songs zeros in a very sore spot of my emotions (where I’m being triggered emotionally) and really bring it up to the conscious mind. I’ve cried to other songs (not that many to be honest) but Bjork’s is the only one that has this specific effect on me.

All in all, I’m so happy to be one of the lucky people that not only listens and enjoys her music, but can feel the healing vibrations that are laced within the notes and lyrics. Her music has made a very huge impact on my life, and I’m not sure how my life would be different if I never discovered her a short few years ago.

So I want to say thank you so much for giving your gifts to the world because it has changed people’s lives, especially mine. Feeling your healing intent in your music really does brings me to my knees sometimes, but it also allowed me to feel and to cry without judgment, editing myself or thinking that I’m inappropriate for doing so.

That means more to me than you’ll ever know…

So thank you so much, Bjork…

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Thursday, January 8, 2015

Vision 78: Mirror

INFP thought feelings dreamer

Today I’m feeling pretty good. I’ve been reading The Essential Law of Attraction Collection that I’ve gotten for Christmas and it’s been one of the best books I’ve owned in many years.

I’ve been seeing myself like a clear mirror since starting the 30 day process and my new focus on relaxing into my life more. I’m seeing that, I do have two modes of operation. The first one is akin to a chicken with its head cut off, that is running amuck trying to throw everything in its proper place. I’m disconnected, away from my true source. I often feel lost as if I’m out at sea, trying to peddle my way to the next and “perfect” island where I’ll find my tribe and purpose. Yet, when I do wash ashore I always feel that something is missing, that it’s not good enough and set off to sea again to fix what is broken.

On the other side of the coin, as if it was my own shadow I have a much calmer more connected self. I’m aligned to who I am, what I see is perfect. There is no need to fix anything because I know that through my own power of attraction there is nothing that can come my way without myself inviting it in. I’m sure of myself and I have fun in life. I see things as an opportunity to have more fun. I’m creative and see myself as the artist that I really am and fulfill that prophecy. I know exactly what and how it looks but seldom to control it because I know it will come out way better than I expect if I just allow it into my experience.

That reflection of self, that clear picture of who I am and who I’m being moment by moment is a huge wake up call. The person I thought I was, is just the person I assumed I needed to be, because I saw my world as broken in a lot of ways. I saw myself as defective so I had to fix myself in a lot of ways. I thought of this “lesson” as a means for growth, but what I was really doing was assuming that I was less than perfect and thus unworthy or unable to have, do or be who I wanted to be.

When I looked in the mirror, I saw so much sadness, anger, hate, jealousy and an outward cry for help. For someone to just give me a kind look and to say that I was good enough. That my life was good enough, and that I can stop trying so hard. That if I can just let go of my insecurities and focus on what I loved, then I’ll get that in return. I don’t have to struggle or suffer anymore… For anything…

I’m already worthy.

I feel better now, I’m not in so much pain though I do have times where I’m indeed hurting. But I don’t look in the mirror and see such a sad soul anymore. I see something so much greater, bigger, more attractive and someone so much more loving towards myself than I could ever imagined for myself.

And that feels good…

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Sunday, January 4, 2015

Vision 77: The Sun and Moon



It’s a dark and gloomy Sunday. The house is darken with the silhouettes of years’ worth of papers, furniture and odds and ends.

Lately, I’ve been given quite the messages relating to coming back to who I am. I admit, that in the last few months I’ve fallen off the wagon. The journey I thought I was taking turned into a fight to find myself again amidst the reemerging feelings of not only the pain that I’ve been living in the last half decade, but my whole life.

This took me a lot of strength to do, because in my “downtime” I saw myself and the world around me as I did back in 2013, a year I never want to repeat again. It was a realization that I not only create my reality but “I” really do create my life experience through my thoughts, feelings and beliefs.

The universe has been kind to let me stay in my pit of despair for a while but once a few weeks of the worst of it passed, it was time for me to crawl back up to my true self. Since then, I’ve been making great strides to retrieve back the positive habits, lifestyle and mindset that made 2014 such a great success.

One of those things is simply coming back home, in myself, in my lunar side. This is such a beautiful space that I simply learned to ignore, I much rather take the bull by the horns because I learned that is the proper way to live life. You have to do everything in order to succeed, life gives no handouts. Boy was I wrong.

I’m seeing that approach in life goes against my true nature. I used to be rather calm and simple. I didn’t want a lot but that was probably because I learned not to expect it. Either way, my way of life was to simply go where the wind took me. I actually remember sketching out a drawing that showcased that classic phase… It’s funny, I don’t know how but I just knew… I knew that was my MO and it was perfect as it was, and I looked at my life experience from that time and saw the evidence of it too.

I’m learning to take my power back again, and challenging the beliefs and concepts that I too easily accepted upon hitting my college years. Even though I had a really hard time believing that my choices were the best one I can make without some outside opinion, I’m seeing that is where I went wrong the most. I didn’t allow myself to see the other side, to just take the plunge and see what happens. I wanted to know what it would be like before I got there so I know what to do when it happens. This left me in an eternal state of preparation and was my greatest downfall in a lot of things I really wanted to do.

Despite my history, I turned that around in 2014 and started to simply wing it and go where the wind took me because let’s face it, I feel way more natural and “myself” in that mode, than the mode I’m trying to live in an extroverted way. In fact, trying to do everything and bang everything into place drains me to the point I have nothing.

I’m always looking for the next “high” to fix something or have some type of simulation and that in itself is stressful…

Who I am is the one that is placed nicely within my lunar side, where my excitement, energy, passion and outward creativity is dancing within the solar fire of my external nature. It’s a perfect and great balance that I have yet to master completely, but one that is vital to my own well-being and happiness.

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Sunday, December 21, 2014

Vision 76: Struggle

Learn to stop struggling LOA

Today during my walk, I had a really great conversation with my guide Joe. I was telling him how when I was younger, I wasn’t this over the top passionate go getter like I am now. It really put in perspective of how I naturally functioned as a child and what traits I’ve developed in my adult years.

When he heard about that, he probed and asked me more questions relating how I basically made goals (or lack thereof) and how I go after them. Having this conversation, I learned that my struggle, the same struggle I’ve been having in the last 5-6 years of trying to make a thriving business, be a great artist or whatever I wanted was because I didn’t want to struggle in life anymore.

When I was younger, I didn’t have the intense problem(s) as I do now, it didn’t push me to overcome them and make big goals to eliminate them. The things that I did for fun, I did for fun, I had no real goals to become the best, to have some huge destiny or have some huge influence over the world. Only till my later teens and eventually when I became a young adult, things changed. When the recession hit, while I just got into college, the threat of losing my home became the center fold of my life, even now. From what I thought then was my saving grace the book, Creating Money, came into my hands. That was my first book on Law of Attraction, and through that book I learned that I could create the life that I wanted.

From then on, my goal was to fix my (or really my family’s) life of struggle and to make a business that I loved. However, on the journey to do those things I picked up very unhealthy and damaging beliefs about who I should be to become successful. The traditional ways of business goes against my very nature, and quite frankly I learned to work hard at it. Nonetheless, it just kept me in the same situation for years.

As time went by and my dreams and desires changed, I noticed that the common denominator was that I wanted my intended result to stop my life of struggle. And trying so hard to succeed and noticing how I wasn’t or couldn’t get there kept me in struggle more, so then I only attracted struggle as a result. Which leads me to where I was (and on some level now), spinning my wheels not going anywhere.

I realized this afternoon, that it isn’t my issues (through it is a small part of it) that was the reason I haven’t succeed in the things I wanted, but my desired intention was impure. I wanted the success to save me from my problems and struggles (what I didn’t want), it was the message I was sending to the universe. I wasn’t doing it because I simply loved doing what I was doing. I wasn’t focus on how good it felt or the fact it will grow into something more (what I did want). I pushed myself very far in everything I thought would be the magic solution for me, that one thing that would make me rich or simply change my life of struggle. But that isn’t what I was sending to the universe, all I was sending was the fact I hated my life and how nothing worked out for me, then worked harder to fix it and the cycle continues.

I learned an important lesson today, I have no need to struggle if I just stop struggling. I don’t have to overcome lifelong afflictions, family drama and dysfunction to succeed. All I need is to focus on what I love and allow the universe to bring it to me. I don’t need to do anything extra to be in an allowing place, just practice the feeling of it.

It’s as if for a really long time I’ve been going up the same mountain over and over again in hopes to find my destination, when all I had to do is look at the map and follow its path. I have no need to struggle anymore. I have no need to beat myself up for not being a better person.

All I need to do is praise myself and what I love and focus on those things because it’s the reason I want to do anything, because it feels good, not because I want to stop what I don’t want.

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