Monday, September 7, 2015

Vision 87: Undo

It's been so many moons since I gave myself the time, effort and self-love to come back to this blog, despite my current situation. 

So much has happened since my last blog post, I'm like a different person, yet, when I go through these pages I struggle to keep my playful attitude in life. 

I am different, I know a lot more about myself since I left my family and I surely don't regret any of my choices so far, but I'm frustrated with life and I'm frustrated with myself. I just want things to work, I just want things to happen right now. I want my own space now, I want to draw on the computer now, I want to listen to my music and play video games for countless hours now. I'm missing all the things that kept me sane in life and I'm trying to substitute the best that I can, but I would be lying to myself if I said that those things were just as good. 

I'm missing myself as a person and just what is normal for me, my own self-care, just the simple things like drinking tea and listening to music into the night.

I'm running to one group to another, digging up the past like I'm trying to bury a secret. Holding on to hope as tight as I can and trying to lean on my own faith is draining. I'm tired and I just want to go home, dying and death is becoming too much of a preoccupation for my mind in the last day or two. Even though it would make me happy to not be apart of this planet and to never deal with the things I'm dealing with now ever again, I so want to break open this tight veil, whatever it is that is blocking me from enjoying life. I'm fucking angry, I'm fucking pissed.

I'm pissed that I have a shitty family with really shitty values, traits and additions, I'm angry that I have to trade my "support" for my own dignity and self-respect, and I'm angry that things aren't working the way I want them to work out. It feels like no matter how much I try to tiptoe around my family, trying to make everyone happy, I still get shit. No one fucking hears me and is too wrapped up in their own shit and addictions to recognise the bullshit they are dishing out.

I'm tired of thinking about them everywhere I go and reminding myself of who I used to be than who I am becoming. I'm even tired of all the new groups I've been entering. I don't want to be another label and apart of another group that is yet misunderstood and is a minority in the earth's populace. I'm tired of being that, a person that isn't apart of anything and doesn't want to claim what is already out there. I'm tired of standing back from life because everything I see is something I don't want to be apart of but I'm too afraid to break out on my own and blaze my own trail. 

I'm tired of all the setbacks, the walls and obstacles I keep climbing, hoping that one day the world will open up to me. That shit is never going to happen and I'm tired of not doing anything to challenge the life I'm leaving now. 

If you're bleeding
And if you're sweating
If you're crying, darling
Oh I
Ending lyrics to Undo by Bjork
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