Vision 88: Determination

All my life I've been waiting for someone or something to come to rescue me from myself, the life that I let too many people take control of for years.

Only till now, did I see that no one "out there" is able to bring me the life that I truly want because it's not something that is already out there readily made and packaged for me. I have to go out and create the life that I want, to blaze the trail of my own power and future legacy, not sit around and hope that people will allow me to shine.

I'm doing myself a disservice expecting that someone outside of me is going to somehow give me permission to be able to do what I want and how I want it.

It's never going to come from anyone but me. I'll never find a space that is "perfect" for me, unless I make it, and surely no one is going to make it for me.

I can only do this myself, that was the kicker that stood out to me. I'm all alone in this new path, even though I have mountains of supports, the life that I'm wanting to create and live, I'm the only one that can create it. No more family, friends or authorities keeping a watchful eye, making sure that I do the right thing.

I have no one to lean on to help me make it happen and it has been one of my biggest set backs. Waiting for someone to come and do the work for me as I sit back and enjoy the ride, it's not going to happen and it's again putting me in a place of utter powerlessness.

But last night, when I saw myself in my pit of despair and saw that it was the fear of "putting myself out there" that was keeping me in the old, I knew exactly what I needed to do, and saw exactly what was going wrong.

Right now, I'm so ready to make big changes on my behalf knowing that I can never go wrong. I'm ready to truly cut ties with people that, even though I love them, can't support me as I truly need as they are right now. It's my time to cut all the shackles that is tying me down so I can spread my wings and fly, truly.

It's time for me to step into my power for real and start doing what I love, right now. Not waiting for the perfect moments to find me. Not hoping that things will change, not hoping that maybe my family will understand or that everyone will approve of me and my actions. I will never live the life I want with that mindset, and it surely won't create itself if I'm holding myself back from what I know I can manifest in this world.

I'm ready for the paradigm shift, I'm ready to start putting out there what I want so that the universe can see me and my desires and set me square on course for it.

I'm ready now, I'm determined, I'm taking control.

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Vision 87: Undo

It's been so many moons since I gave myself the time, effort and self-love to come back to this blog, despite my current situation. 

So much has happened since my last blog post, I'm like a different person, yet, when I go through these pages I struggle to keep my playful attitude in life. 

I am different, I know a lot more about myself since I left my family and I surely don't regret any of my choices so far, but I'm frustrated with life and I'm frustrated with myself. I just want things to work, I just want things to happen right now. I want my own space now, I want to draw on the computer now, I want to listen to my music and play video games for countless hours now. I'm missing all the things that kept me sane in life and I'm trying to substitute the best that I can, but I would be lying to myself if I said that those things were just as good. 

I'm missing myself as a person and just what is normal for me, my own self-care, just the simple things like drinking tea and listening to music into the night.

I'm running to one group to another, digging up the past like I'm trying to bury a secret. Holding on to hope as tight as I can and trying to lean on my own faith is draining. I'm tired and I just want to go home, dying and death is becoming too much of a preoccupation for my mind in the last day or two. Even though it would make me happy to not be apart of this planet and to never deal with the things I'm dealing with now ever again, I so want to break open this tight veil, whatever it is that is blocking me from enjoying life. I'm fucking angry, I'm fucking pissed.

I'm pissed that I have a shitty family with really shitty values, traits and additions, I'm angry that I have to trade my "support" for my own dignity and self-respect, and I'm angry that things aren't working the way I want them to work out. It feels like no matter how much I try to tiptoe around my family, trying to make everyone happy, I still get shit. No one fucking hears me and is too wrapped up in their own shit and addictions to recognise the bullshit they are dishing out.

I'm tired of thinking about them everywhere I go and reminding myself of who I used to be than who I am becoming. I'm even tired of all the new groups I've been entering. I don't want to be another label and apart of another group that is yet misunderstood and is a minority in the earth's populace. I'm tired of being that, a person that isn't apart of anything and doesn't want to claim what is already out there. I'm tired of standing back from life because everything I see is something I don't want to be apart of but I'm too afraid to break out on my own and blaze my own trail. 

I'm tired of all the setbacks, the walls and obstacles I keep climbing, hoping that one day the world will open up to me. That shit is never going to happen and I'm tired of not doing anything to challenge the life I'm leaving now. 

Undo

Undo

If you're bleeding

Undo

And if you're sweating

Undo

If you're crying, darling

Undo

Undo

Oh I

Unravel

-

Ending lyrics to Undo by Bjork

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