Lately, I’ve been given quite the messages relating to coming back to who I am. I admit, that in the last few months I’ve fallen off the wagon. The journey I thought I was taking turned into a fight to find myself again amidst the reemerging feelings of not only the pain that I’ve been living in the last half decade, but my whole life.
This took me a lot of strength to do, because in my “downtime” I saw myself and the world around me as I did back in 2013, a year I never want to repeat again. It was a realization that I not only create my reality but “I” really do create my life experience through my thoughts, feelings and beliefs.
The universe has been kind to let me stay in my pit of despair for a while but once a few weeks of the worst of it passed, it was time for me to crawl back up to my true self. Since then, I’ve been making great strides to retrieve back the positive habits, lifestyle and mindset that made 2014 such a great success.
One of those things is simply coming back home, in myself, in my lunar side. This is such a beautiful space that I simply learned to ignore, I much rather take the bull by the horns because I learned that is the proper way to live life. You have to do everything in order to succeed, life gives no handouts. Boy was I wrong.
I’m seeing that approach in life goes against my true nature. I used to be rather calm and simple. I didn’t want a lot but that was probably because I learned not to expect it. Either way, my way of life was to simply go where the wind took me. I actually remember sketching out a drawing that showcased that classic phase… It’s funny, I don’t know how but I just knew… I knew that was my MO and it was perfect as it was, and I looked at my life experience from that time and saw the evidence of it too.
I’m learning to take my power back again, and challenging the beliefs and concepts that I too easily accepted upon hitting my college years. Even though I had a really hard time believing that my choices were the best one I can make without some outside opinion, I’m seeing that is where I went wrong the most. I didn’t allow myself to see the other side, to just take the plunge and see what happens. I wanted to know what it would be like before I got there so I know what to do when it happens. This left me in an eternal state of preparation and was my greatest downfall in a lot of things I really wanted to do.
Despite my history, I turned that around in 2014 and started to simply wing it and go where the wind took me because let’s face it, I feel way more natural and “myself” in that mode, than the mode I’m trying to live in an extroverted way. In fact, trying to do everything and bang everything into place drains me to the point I have nothing.
I’m always looking for the next “high” to fix something or have some type of simulation and that in itself is stressful…
Who I am is the one that is placed nicely within my lunar side, where my excitement, energy, passion and outward creativity is dancing within the solar fire of my external nature. It’s a perfect and great balance that I have yet to master completely, but one that is vital to my own well-being and happiness.
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