Today, I was fighting for control over the razor-sharp agonizing emotions of a really bad blow up between me and another family member that I live with. Instead of trying to render my emotions useless, I had to get really honest with myself. It was clear... I digested everything that was said and how I felt on a very deep level that night.
Do you remember those foam mattresses commercials? Where the lady would push her hand into the mattress causing a deep impression that would quickly reform back into its shape? Well, if my heart was a foam mattress and was being jammed by someone's powerfully negative emotions, it would take years for that mattress to regain it's shape. I hold on to bad memories, emotions and events like the devil's grip, I can't help it and it's always been my way. (Okay, I can help it but it's more like I'm learning how on a deeper level)
That night (and not giving away personal details) I was confronted about going back to college which I said no to. What proceeded afterwards was a nasty clash between me and said family member. A lot was said, mostly on the other side, but I was determined to stand my ground like the obstinate bull that I am!
I'm going to be honest, even though I stood up for myself which I felt proud of because I refused to feel guilty about another's bad feelings, deep inside... I was a mess.
That night however, I had a visit from the goddesses that really broke my heart open again to my true power and grace. They let me know that no matter what circumstance, I was always and forever will be powerful. Everyday since (well even before then), I was shown the very steps, methods and wisdom to finally reclaim my power back.
In the rawness of it all, from controlling my emotions to learning about my chakras, I still felt that tinge of pain whenever I would randomly think back to the feud and what was said. Today though, I needed to confront my real feelings that was clearly being built up, and when I did something wonderful was revealed!
After some time of reflection via Office Word and true honestly of my real fears and feelings, I learned that I was emotionally dependent on my family to feel secure. I knew immediately I learned this from childhood. I would feel safe when everyone was happy, and insecure when everyone was mad or upset in the household. When enough negative tension built up quarrels would happen that would leave me feeling scared, insecure and isolated. Moreover, I never learned how to be secure in myself in my own power. It just never happened, though I learned how to be confident in my later teens which I'm now seeing is a completely different thing.
Holding on to that means of surviving really warped my emotional intelligence with my needs of security in always seeking it from the outside. From the stuff I never throw out, the emotions that my family is feeling to the general "mood" in the house.
So if someone close to me is really pissed at me, not only do I feel bad because well... Someone is upset at me, but I feel like my security is being snatched away. Which explains so much why my life turned out the way it did for the past couple of years. This way of being was so embedded in my being that I never recognized it in this way.
And there is so much to this topic I just wanted to lay out the very basics of what I learned today.
While I was taking a nap, many different inner sages and entities came to my aid to help me gain true security. Where I was finally drawing off of my own power and foundation for security than on the feelings or energy of what was around me. It was really powerful stuff and I even felt pressure where my 1st chakra is held. It was really insightful and it gave me an increased knowing that I don't need anyone to feel secure in this world. That my success doesn't depend on the happiness or approval of another, or in this case my family's.
Amazingly after getting honest and learning these things, that emotional charge was mostly lifted from my body! I don't feel the need to keep ragging on myself on my family member's disapproval or negativity towards anything, including me.
Basically, if you're anything like me being super sensitive and feeling dependent on any level of another person to feel safe, you don't have to have that crutch. You are so powerful and full of light, you don't need an extra body to prove your existence, choices, lifestyle or anything that you truly are. We get so wrapped up in fitting in and being apart of the pack that we lose ourselves. We're not truly dependent on ourselves for our own success in life, but the next person to validate it for us.Look up the 3 lower chakras which is where my work began even before this point. Find a way to heal and ease the possible traumas that might of took place where you felt unsafe in a threatening world. I guarantee you that the universe will put you on the path to finally resolve those issues as it did with me!
If you personally want to work with me with your blocked energies, I have a new session that focuses on transmuting blocks and assisting your own natural ability to heal yourself. I call it the Transformative and Clearing Session and it's worth investing in if you're wanting a breakthrough in a certain area but somehow can't quite reach it no matter how hard you try.
