These things stem from my wanting of popularity and validation… At this point in my life, deciding to move into my lunar side this year, I don’t understand why I still want to indulge in the things that keep me blinded from who I really am.
I do believe that whatever it is that we desire we can have, at the same time if the path there is painful then there is a lot to consider. All of my strides for popularity over the years haven’t been the best; in fact it limited me to only thinking in a certain way. I was scared to grow past those limitations and quite frankly it made my life pretty dull compared to the freedom I gave myself recently.
Yet, when I see others having things that I want time and time again, I start to slowly convince myself that maybe the timing wasn’t right, or that I have to do things in a different way, or something to justify my “failure” of not achieving something great. A part of this is due to the fact that I am finding myself again in this different stage of life, I would say “adult” but that doesn’t suit me… I’ll go with “more responsible.” ;)
When you don’t know who you are you will want the outside to decide that for you and validation of who you think you are by other's praises. It’s so easy to fall into that trap because it seems like the easy answer, but it’s not. It’s the tough answer and a hard bitch to please because there will always be someone that will think you’re wrong, inappropriate or just fucking bad. You are truly playing with fire…
Anyway… Taking the time to explore my feelings I again see the role I am indeed playing, and I can gently remind myself of why seeking outside validation isn’t for me. It’s not who I am… It’s not who I want to be… Who I really want to be, to experience and to be apart of is the greater part of myself. My emotions, my inner world, my self expression and my creativity; god knows I need no one’s permission for that.
That is why I’m blogging as I am, speaking my truth no matter how it looks to others. Because I don’t care what people might think, all I want is to express all the parts of me. I gain personal satisfaction of that and that is enough for me. All the outside validation comes from an insecure place, perhaps one of a younger age that I’m currently growing out of. In any event, I don’t blame myself for this; I’m going to love myself exactly as I am. But I do want to make clear that my goal is not for people to “see me,” but for me to see and be the true me, without any fucked up filters or limitations.
I feel good talking about what I am talking about, showing my love for things and getting in touch with who I am in a deeper, meaningful way. That means more to me than 1000 people loving something I did with less consideration, or at least I would like to think that… But I am fickle… Once I get what I want I will want something else, so I guess it doesn’t really matter. I just want to enjoy what I’m doing because I’m doing it, not because people will shower me with love and appreciation…
I have to remind myself of my goals often, or I’ll slip back into my old routine of wanting things that kept me from blossoming into the women I am becoming. Only now I know this because I’ve detached myself enough to see the bigger picture of what was actually happening than what I thought was happening.
I guess with that I can say that I’ve come quite the way since I started my new lifestyle of Zen about a month ago. The road is indeed a successful one. :)
