The last few days have been full of great realizations through emotional upheaval and feelings of anxiety. I came to the point where I knew that being a coach, trying to look great in front of others or trying to be this beacon of light so I’m validated in life isn’t the lifestyle I want or need.
I got attached to this notion in recent years that if people loved and valued you, than that was your worth. When I decided to change my lifestyle of that of Zen and peace, that fact was no longer valid. But in my recent dip in my own negative feelings and my old story, I started to see this fact in a new way. I can’t say how I’m seeing it more differently now vs. then, but I actually saw myself acting out my self perceived role in life. Where I try my damndest to overcome myself and anything I thought was holding me back because I felt inferior.
That is not the life I want to live anymore, that is the point I’ve come to. I notice that I do treat life as a battle field and I’m always the underdog that has to do a lot more just to get by. I want to think that the struggle is a divine sign of how powerful I am, but in truth, it’s the role I chose to play all these years. I don’t have to struggle if I don’t want to, but since I believed in this story that I was always the weak one, I did everything in my power to change that. Not through my internal perception but through these twisted social rules.
If I am weak, I have to prove that I am strong. If I am quiet, I have to be loud. If I am slow moving, I have to be fast. If I am not ambitious, I have to be hard working, etc, etc… I honestly lost myself between who I was and who I thought I needed to be. The lines became so blurred that life didn’t make sense if I wasn’t trying to change myself for the better. Life as I knew it wasn’t mine to enjoy, but something I have to prove my worthiness to.
In knowing that I didn’t have to do anything to prove myself, I became afraid that I didn’t know who I was anymore. I honestly felt lost in the world because I no longer had this “dream” or ambition to prove my worthiness anymore. It’s clear that I base too much of my worth on “results” and a lot of external factors.
I guess that is why choosing to dive deep in myself has been so beneficial to me. I’m not doing this to prove myself, I’m not looking for praise, and I don’t want to be seen or be out there… And most of all, I’m ignoring “reality.” I’m no longer making it a point to prove myself to anyone or anything. All my life is about is my happiness, peace and serenity. And in that period where I reverted back to the old story, I saw how damaging my self perceived role was.
I wasn’t being the underdog soon to be hero; I was just like the many people in the world unaware of their true freedom of choice. I DON’T have to struggle. I DON’T have to prove myself. I DON’T have to overcome life and other’s expectations. And I surely DON’T have to live in a way that doesn’t serve me because I feel “my role in life” is through struggle to become someone great. There is no such thing because I’m already great, perfect, proven and worthy. So why am I causing so much self-inflected pain when I now know this on such a deep level?
Because I chose to do so… But now I’m choosing peace, ease and the easy life no matter how anyone else views me. I already know who I am and that person is very worthy so I no longer have to dig deep into struggle, pain or some internal war to somehow gain the permission to be me…
