That was hard to say not too long ago, because for a very long time I felt that I wasn’t good enough. That I had to be stronger, more dynamic, louder and just the opposite of whom I am at my very core.
What changed is looking and clearing out all the old junk and papers that I was holding on to for security. Looking at every old drawing, paper, letter, and anime printout was a reminder of who I always was. Yet I started to question that part of myself. I wasn’t sure if who I knew myself to be in the present was the same as whom I was born as. It was scary to think that along the way of my journey that I veered off of who I really am. It took me some time to realize that my personality was threatened by this deemed unworthy part of myself that I tried to change.
The littler girl that I felt was too quiet, wasn’t ambitious enough and was just a wallflower that will never get anything out of life. Yet I was so wrong. Man was I wrong… Because in that emptiness, these beautiful opalescent colors and hues emerged from this clear crystal like energy that made me feel invisible to the world.
In me thinking that I was nothing, I contained everything. Man, what a complex…
I could go on about how bad I felt about myself but what does that matter now? For the last 24 hours the concept of “your personal story” has been washing across my mind. That whatever story you hold on too, is the very story you will continue to live. And yes, I’m one of those girls that felt out of place, misunderstood and felt bad luck was always present in her life. I never felt that I ever got a real break or was good enough to actually have one. To suddenly be rained upon the things I always wanted like popularity, love, money, opportunities and so much more. I felt that I wasn’t the right personality for it. But I’m continuing to change that, especially today.
I won’t continue the story where I’m a part of a negative family legacy, where I’m always the bad guy, where I have to feel guilty about someone else’s emotions, that I feel that it’s my job to save the world through my own personal sacrifice. That I’m that girl that never get what she wants, that I have to settle, that I can’t love myself or feel powerful, that I have to fear other people not liking what I say or do and god, so much more. All of that stuff is so old and based on times that has already past! I don’t need to identify with that story and I can be exactly who I am and be pretty damn proud of it too!
It’s not just changing my story that feels so powerful but feeling the increasing distance of my emotional attachment to my family, their emotions and what is happening around me. It’s been about a week since I decided to take control over my emotions and I have to say, a week later, I see and feel a major difference. I’m not grabbed by the balls by my emotions everyday where I’m feeling fear, happiness, nervousness, anxiety, and excitement all in one day.
But mostly, I don’t feel doubt (as much) about myself in some way, that I’m not good enough or whatever enough to get what I want without having to prove myself first.
All of this gave a rebirthing to my individuality, the self that I am at my core. Not the bullshit I attached myself to because I liked it, was born in it, associated with or felt that I needed it in some way. NO, this is me on a level that I have yet to reach in my life. The self that is so pure, able and right without the outside shit, where there is no telling that this is who I am. In knowing that, I feel more able to go out into the world with my head up high about how I go about and think about life. That is a very powerful thing for me…
With that, I can finally create a new story I can truly identify with. A story where I’m the hero, where life works for me and who I am is perfect no matter who has an opinion about my life. And that feels so good to embody now…
So I’m going to end this post with this personal quote:
