The biggest issue that I do have out of everything however is feeling worthy. I don’t know why but it’s hard for me to feel worthy or allowing for the better to come. Because as soon as things get good for some time, given about 2 weeks, I start to self-sabotage. I expect the worst to happen and somehow I think I don’t deserve the goodness and healing that I’m getting. I feel that things can’t be easy for me and that I have to prove myself to my family, the universe or just life.
This worthiness game is huge…
It’s huge because that is basically the very thing we’re all trying to get to. To feel worthy and allowing to do and have what we want. I think that was my a-ha moment for the day. I can have anything I want but if I don’t feel worthy to have it then it won’t come. It doesn’t matter what it is, money, love, relationships, cars, houses, pets, TVs, games and etc. If I don’t feel deserving to have that good, that allowing and just that healing in my life, than those things are as far away as I am to China.
I know all about it, I read about it and even hear people living there but it’s no closer to me then when I was born. It’s just that far yet I know it exists. That’s pretty deep because I’m the type of person that feels guilty for a lot of things that I can’t control. I put people’s happiness above my own and I know that it doesn’t do jack shit for me. I also know that I can’t make people happy or take that on as my mission in life because happiness is an inside job. There isn’t enough I can or can’t do to make someone else happy in their own life.
Yet, I base my worthiness on my family’s happiness, how they are feeling and what they do. I still assume that if I do enough my family will be healed and then I’ll be happy. Then I can do what I came here to do, then I’ll be worthy enough to have what I want. Time and time again I’m proven wrong.
My worthiness has to come from me because I’m already worthy. There isn’t a soul, authority, god or person that can grant me my worthiness. I have to decide and act on it as if I’m already am, or else I’ll constantly feel guilty and undeserving because other people just can’t be happy on their own. Which in turn gives my power to other people, so no one wins in that.
But if I just give myself a loving chance, throw caution in the wind, let other people decide if happiness is within them and allow myself to have the good because I deserve it, then I’ll surly win. As feeling good is all that matters and positivity attracts more of it.
Not this self-sacrificing bullshit that we’re constantly taught and force feed from the day we were born. I need to learn (more) to stop sacrificing myself for another’s happiness because that isn’t the way happiness works. It works when you stop allowing the bullshit in life control how you feel, especially circumstances and people. Once you learn that happiness is an inside job and no one can take it away, then you have true power, control and rule in your life. I’m slowly getting closer to that, but the universe have to make it more clear for me every once in a while when I’m not feeling worthy.
