Coming back home and becoming settled in my normal reality, I notice that I’m just unsatisfied with the way some things are. Mostly, I speak about how I latch on to spirituality in a way that makes me feel trapped and in a box. I feel that when I’m entrenched in spirituality, I can’t go beyond it’s boundaries. Where I feel like everything related to spirituality is a hard fact or truth when I know it’s not.
I feel bounded by superficial things like oracle cards, readings, charts and just things that keeps me stuck in a certain box. I fight hard to prove to myself that I am different because of some unseen force; I take spirituality as a means to validate that for myself instead of just being who I am.
I take this spirituality thing too seriously, but on a bigger scale I have to move beyond its definitions and meanings. These feelings of entrapment are the same ones that I faced for years, and I see that it’s not just a phrase or because of circumstances. It’s because of my newly found archetype, the “Peter Pan earth angel,” that I can’t stand anything that blocks my freedom in anyway. I am an eternal child that will never grow up and anything that tells me that I have to be in a certain box stresses me to no end. I have to define my own rules and live by my own heart, not by anyone else’s systems. As tempting as it is to have outside validation for who you are, only I can really label myself as who I am in any form that I choose.
The best freedom that I can give myself is the one where I don’t count on others to make me feel like myself. If I feel that something is infringing on my freedom or happiness I have all the right to change so that I am happy and free to do as I please. I can’t live a life where I’m waiting for someone else to grant me my freedom.
I also can’t keep lying to myself and think that being a certain way forever more is what's best for me. I need variety, I need excitement and I need to be free to do what I please without thinking that it will somehow hurt me or others. I think that is the worst of it all. Feeling that somehow It’s better for me to be in the shadow of my true self because it will somehow grant me success in the real world.
That is what I hate the most and what I despise in society. That you can’t be who you are and be successful at the same time. You have to “fake it till you make it” and other bullshit “wisdom” that only breeds the need to wear masks and talk sweet nothings to everyone you meet.
I don’t mind not being totally open all the time, but I do mind when we’re living in a way that only proves our enslavement to the status quo.
I can’t do it anymore and having some time away from the norm, I see where I can improve myself, my life and my real freedom.
