I’m quite emotional right now because I know there are a lot of stuff I need to let go of, and one of the most toxic things that needs to be released is my mom’s drinking.
I so bad want to tell her how I feel but I’ve been down that road many times before to no avail. I still hold a lot of emotions, energy and anger towards my mom’s decisions to drink constantly. I tell myself that it’s not as bad as it seems but it is and it destroys me inside every time I see it. All it does is kill whatever shed of harmony that manages to reach this house, destroys the household and keeps us stuck in this perpetual rollercoaster state of emotions. I fucking hate it, I really do and I tried for years to ignore it but I can’t. I just wish my words were more effective to somehow make her see the light but even a major surgery can’t stop her from drinking and smoking so how do I expect myself to do any better?
So I decided to write a letter to my mom about her drinking and how it affects me on a deep level. The things I want to say, scream and just throw in her face. I’m still attached to thinking that I can change her for the better and shift her destiny. I feel like I’m supposed to change her, like it’s my job so I’m saving her from a very ill fate.
I don’t want to see my mom die over alcohol or cigarettes and I’m carrying a huge burden to think that I’m the key to her survival when in fact I have no control over her actions. I still want to be the one that can change her and I’m subconsciously waiting around for that to happen. I’m not letting myself free till I see my mom do better but that is not my choice to make for her. So I’m writing a letter to finally end this toxic relationship, mindset, emotions and just way of being that I am towards my mom.
I want to let go of the anger, the blame and just the chaos that this causes me every day. I want to move forward on a clean slate and holding onto these emotions only keeps me stuck in this one place. I really, honestly want to move on, I don’t want to hold onto these emotions anymore. So I’m ending it all with a letter to let it all go for good…
Dear Mom,
You have no idea how angry you make me feel every time you drink. Your drinking causes nothing but trouble and nothing good ever comes out of it. I question your intelligence every day and your ability to see the consequences of your actions. I literally hate the person you become when you drink and a part of me wishes I can just throw that person over a bridge.
You cause me so much pain in these last few years with your drinking that I feel invisible to you. I honestly don’t know where our relationship stands because it’s been so warped with the constant drinking. All I want is a normal relationship, nothing major or special. You throw that all away every time you drink and I don’t understand why.
Even when I talk to you about how I feel all you do is say “okay” and other useless shit. I want to be compassionate to your situation but I can’t stand but to feel angry and pissed off with your nonchalant ways of dealing with your issues. I feel like you are causing me pain every time you drink so your passiveness to quitting drinking feels like you don’t give a damn about me. It’s like you’re abusing me emotionally and don’t care how it affects me.
Even when daddy was in the house, all it did was cause problems and it was really hard to justify your actions then when daddy was bringing in wine 2-3 times a week. I’m so resentful towards him for that because it’s like he wanted you to feel sorry for yourself and keep you in a drunken state. Not to mention the blowups that happened during that time. The fighting and arguing that came and went into this house was more than I could bare. We all was fighting and it hurt a lot. I still don’t understand why I’m here to experience nothing but trauma, yet have no power to change it. Why be a healer that can’t heal those around you? What is the point of me being here, being born in this family if all I see is hurt, pain and fighting with no way to make it better. Which that in itself causes me a lifetime of stress.
I feel bad for not helping in anyway, but mostly that I can’t share what I feel is right to live a better life. To say to you and sister to stop the drinking and make it clear what it caused so you can see what I see. Maybe speaking up will change things but I’m always proven wrong so I convinced myself to stuff it all down. I feel like I’m choosing to stay quiet while my family destroys themselves when I always felt that I can help. But I have to let go of that thinking and that mindset. I HAVE no control over what you or sister does even if it ends up killing one of you… I can’t have that burden anymore in my heart. I have to set that little girl free…
I’ve been stuck there for a long time and it’s been controlling my life in ways that are just unhealthy and toxic now. I don’t want to keep blaming you, sister or dad for my pain anymore and the reason why my life is chaotic. I don’t want to keep holding myself down with resentment and regrets. Life is a lot bigger than these four walls and everything I’ve seen in it… I have to believe that.
I have to believe and say to my much younger self that I’m not a bad person for letting this go. To decide to have my own family make their own choices without me mentally or emotionally intervening if they truly want to do what they want to do. I want to be happy for you and see you happy, even if it’s not for your highest good. I want to feel good for stepping out of your way and allowing whatever comes from it.
It just hurts me a lot to think I might be making a choice that could potentially hurt you a lot more than life already has. Honestly speaking, I’m scared but I’m ready to take this new stance. I want to allow myself to move on from this and break any toxic ties for good, because at the end it will be good for all of us. I don’t think any of us are happy when we’re in each other’s way stopping each other from what we want to do.
I just don’t want this anymore but something a lot more healing, better and supportive for you. That is all I’m saying. Whatever happened that caused your need to drink I’m really sorry for that and I wish I can change you to what I want you to be, even though that is not fair to you due to freewill. I just want to say that I understand that you NEVER did anything to cause me intentional harm and I’m sorry if I made you feel that way. I also forgive you and your drinking, I know it’s not to harm me, the house or anyone else that’s been effected by it.
I just want to say that I love you very much and I hope things get better for all of us…
Love,
Your daughter
