The only thing that I do know is that my emotions turned into a whirlwind. Like a firm tree I kept strong and grounded no matter what the situation was because I hate jumping to wild conclusions. That and my emotional nature runs as deep as a seemly calm river. Everything seems fine on the surface, even peaceful, but as soon as I go an inch too deep that river will swallow me whole forever. I learned to not underestimate my emotions, and this situation was no different...
I’m used to following the pack with how I should feel, but in the last month of controlling my emotions and such I learned to stay independent of how I think and feel. So when it came to how my family was handling the situation emotionally, I reminded myself that I don’t need to follow anyone’s lead about how I should feel.
Honestly, that day I was feeling pretty good, as well as the following days (including today) besides my weird feelings of the news. I like being happy with myself and life, things are changing for the better for me. And on the same day that I realized that I desire to be close to my family (when for years I wanted to get away from them) only to hear that my mom is going under surgery in just a few days, I consider my position as a blessing, not a curse. That is huge for me to think like that.
Because any other time I would blame myself and the universe for throwing me this curve ball and toying with my sensitive emotions when I finally found peace in a deep struggle I’ve been in for years. Yet, somehow I found this situation as a real blessing in my life. A chance to infuse more love into my motives and to talk, think and be about what I truly desire deep inside. I still can’t believe it.
But a part of me still feels unsure if this is how I should feel despite all my knowledge of the Abraham Hicks material I’ve been avid about lately. I know that when I feel good I’m closing the gap to my desires, but why do I feel slightly wrong for being this way when my mom is going under surgery?
Simply because I feel that I need to show that I care about the situation by being worried, scared and a fucking mess. Yet somehow I’m learning to roll with life, enjoy myself anyway and to believe in something far greater than my mortal mind can imagine.
Yes, apart of me is afraid and scared (I cried a bit before) but it is not my state of being. I still do wish and hope that everything goes well but I have a knowing that things are going to be okay. Most of all I know that no matter what subject, situation or circumstance I’m in, it is no more important than what happened the day before, because it’s not about what is happening but how I’m feeling. And I want to feel good, I want to talk about the good stuff that is happening and I want to show how good my life is no matter what circumstance I’m in.
Even if my family doesn’t understand (not that I’m going to express my deepest feelings), I know what they think and feel does not matter in how I should feel; as long as I’m validating myself through my own emotions that is all the validation I need.
