Only till now did I realize this because in a few bouts of frustration over my money slowly disappearing, I couldn’t help but to feel that nothing has shifted in that area. In the time that I have been changing my lifestyle, focusing more on me and my inner world, I quietly refused to face my issues with money. I figured if I don’t stir up any momentum, focus on lack or think negatively about it, that somehow money will find its way home to me. To a certain extent that IS true, but the problem with me is that I have so much god damn resistance that those rather small acts to change my vibration is simply isn’t strong enough to create real lasting change.
It’s not enough to simply say a few good feeling affirmations, I now realize that as I’ve been changing my life in big ways, I have to do the same with money. And god I hate to even think about it because money caused me so much pain no matter what area it’s in. Business, jobs, thinking about it, trying to manifest it, talking about it, family issues, student loans and especially looking at other people with money… No matter what angle I’m in relationship to it, I feel like money constantly grabs me by the balls and I can’t help but to submit to it.
While I was playing video games contemplating the source of this really heavy and blatant truth, I realized that my relationship with my father is the root cause of this. Now, I always knew that money, my dad and I wasn’t the best mix and contributed to some limited beliefs but I then realized how damaging that relationship really was.
My dad is very generous by nature, but I always had a really hard time asking him for money because when he gets angry he would immediately throw it in my face or anyone that asked or supported him.
Writing this now I see how I got those mixed messages early on about money. A lot of the time when I asked he would give me the money no problem even though I had a hard time asking, yet sometime however long later it was wrong of me to take from him because somehow I was being lazy or wasn’t doing enough for him. Ouch… I’m actually getting emotional so I know this IS the cause of all my money (and deep emotional) pain.
Earlier, before I realized the money relationship with my dad, I knew on a more conscious level that my worthiness was tied to money. The fact I couldn’t make money made me feel really bad deep inside… And the reason for that is the way my dad treated me and my family when he got angry. Honestly, it was like we were nothing but a burden and lower than dirt to him because of whatever my dad was angry about. I was really young when this started (or that I can remember) and for it to continue up till last year when I finally cut my father off is about two decades of the same constant mixed messages. Moreover, two decades that I felt entirely unworthy to ask, receive or have money because I needed someone (my dad or another random force) to make me feel that it’s okay to have money, especially my own.
Right now, as I’m writing this, I’m NOT okay with having money because… I’m just not. There is so much energy in that whole ordeal that I feel numb on the inside. I just know that if I could, I would never want to have or desire money again because it’s been so painful when I had it or didn’t have it.
From this small root that my dad planted in me sprouted a giant oak tree busting with so many branching paths that only contributed why money is bad, I’m not good enough for it and that somehow, even if I suffer, I’m better without it. Thus my life is the way it is when it comes to money. And right now, I’m pretty fucking angry about it, but that rant is for another day.
I just know that now I can move on to the solution now that I know the problem. Because for years it just seemed like a huge wall that I could never get over, and that there was no one single issue with money that I could really shift in a positive direction. Everything always stayed the same even if my mindset changed for the better… But now I know. It was the deep rooted problems with my father that I needed to address, not the surface stuff that spawned from it.
So now, I’m deciding to end this “way of life” and claim my power back when it comes to money…
