Friday, November 21, 2014

Vision 68: Resentment

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We often think by being spiritual we have to have an “enlightened” outlook on everything. That we must show the world love and peace at every moment. That when things get tough, we must show resilience and faith no matter what.

When it comes to my family, my thoughts isn’t exactly that. I’m fearful a lot, paranoid, nervous, anxious and stubbornly unloving. I noticed that in my countless attempts to “love” my family in their drunken state, I end up in the world of feeling guilty and like a bad person. I feel like a bad person because of this unspoken rule that spiritual people must take higher ground and pretend that the world around them isn’t as hurtful or painful to them as the average person. Of course right? I’m spiritual, so that means this “earthy” stuff doesn’t matter and I can just simply love and light my way out of everything and not feel bad.

That is so far from the truth it’s not even funny…

This is a myth, a fantasy even to any person that wants to find everlasting peace. To be in peace and have nothing disturb that no matter what. But the truth is that I’m hurting… A lot in fact, and by trying to “love” what my family continues to do that causes me seemingly endless pain is making me feel crazy.

Crazy in the sense that I am hurting, feel unheard in it and somehow I have to pretend like it doesn’t exist. Because I have to be strong and whatever, yet I feel a whole different kind of pain from that too. That feeling angry, resentful, pissed the fuck off and hateful is wrong and “inappropriate” for a person like me, because I am so loving and “spiritual.” I tell myself a lot that being spiritual has nothing do with how I feel, but what I believe in and my view of the world, but I’m not walking that talk.

I beat up on myself a lot just for feeling anger and resentment, but that does nothing to change anything especially in myself.

So I decided to just hate, be resentful and simply not love them in their drunken state (or whenever they are being assholes). Trying to love my way out of this causes me more pain because I’m ignoring my own REAL AND TRUE emotions. I don’t feel heard when I feel pressured to do just “love” my way out of a situation or my feelings. It’s unrealistic and even harmful…

I simply can’t love them the way they act sometimes, that’s as honest as it gets. I love them when they’re sober and I hate them when they’re drunk, and that feels way better than pretending that I’m not dying inside every other day when I have to deal with it.

Sometimes the best way to get through a bad situation is to just to get through it, because let’s face it, trying to go around the mountain might take a lot longer than just facing it head on and being done with it. Not to say that struggle should be the road we take always (quite the opposite) but it’s easier to be honest with yourself. Feeling the way I feel, validating my emotions by accepting them, letting them process and leave on their own as opposed to stuffing them down or throwing rosy bullshit on top of them feels good to me.

This by no means that I’ll someday love my family when they're drunk even after these feelings are gone, but it does gives me the freedom to not be held back by them (my emotions) because of my family’s shitty choices for themselves.

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