I guess it started with noticing and thinking negatively about my home life and what goes on. Since I started therapy and really got out what I’ve been feeling, it’s as if I’m telling myself and making myself see that some of the harsher parts of my life haven’t changed much. This freaks me out because I’m now realizing how much damage the drinking and negativity in the house has affected me.
I always thought that my negative thinking was purely about me being negative but the life I’ve lived has a great influence over it, and I’m constantly fighting it. I always get mad at myself for not doing better, manifesting bigger things and somehow not getting the things I really want due to self-sabotage, but I’ve learned to live that way.
Somehow in a backdoor type of way, I taught myself to follow my family and parents so that I can protect myself from perceived harm. Like having people come after me because I have money, problems randomly arising because you have more income, and simply the fact that when you have more money you have more problems. As if as much as you want and need more money, having it doesn’t really serve you. That’s a pretty huge belief.
So in a crazy way, I took that in and lived by it subconsciously. So when I do start to make more money or I’m really close to success, I cut myself off because of those deeper beliefs that say that having money only brings more trouble and negativity. Usually the negativity that you can’t fix or solve.
When I feel safe to go out and do what I want to do is normally when I see another person (more or less IRL) do it and have a positive experience. Mostly, I haven’t had those good influences in my life. Everyone has the same core money beliefs on some level. More money, more problems, or that people only want you for your money and things like that. It makes me fearful that I won’t get the things I want out of life even when I’m successful because somehow it will all go wrong.
I knew about some of these beliefs but I’m learning about them in a deeper way today. A lot of my deeper beliefs comes from my home life which is mostly negative, especially the highlights of it. It’s like the “life lessons” my family has taught me was that money isn’t that great, it tears people apart, makes the government take it away from you and it’s a way for others to keep you poor and struggling. I guess I’m dealing with those reemerging feelings again because I feel somewhat stuck. It’s like I’m falling back into the mindset of “it’s better for me to just struggle in life to survive because that’s how others have done it.”
I have yet to see someone close to me “make it” and make their dreams come true. Everyone struggles, are unhappy and complain about life. And a lot of the conversations stem from lack, negativity or that somehow others have it better than them. A mindset I detest a lot. It’s like they want to be limited and try to convince that to everyone around them. And when you say something that goes against that truth, you’re wrong, unrealistic or naive. I’m honestly struggling between what I’m learning and what I already learned for years.
I know that I’m only taking on my family’s and other people’s beliefs and applying it to myself as if I’m the same. But it’s like I can’t help it, I’m still very used to that thinking even though I made great strides to change it.
I think now is especially tough because I’m dealing with a lot of positive changes, yet I still see things that hurts me a lot. It’s like no matter how much I try, I can’t do anything to make things better for everyone else. I feel like a failure and I don’t want to feel like that. I’m just having trouble accepting life for what it is for the people that live it.
At the end of the day, I have to look at myself and keep distancing myself from other’s beliefs and their emotions, that’s what gets me. If I consider myself as a singular player that can only effect my own reality (which is the truth of the matter) than I’m not as bad as I’m looking at others. I can, have and seen the changes I can create in my own life. Sometimes I just take things way too seriously and think that the struggle is the only way for me to “get it” because that is everyone else’s belief.
