I started to be consumed with the idea that my blog and drawing was my work. That feeling of wanting to work myself more and work harder started to come back too. This is a huge no-no because that was the very thing that lead me to my demise in the first place. If I want to live in a really crappy way and mind set then trying to work hard and not take breaks is the way to do it.
I just feel like my passions in life should be something I can make money with. Which is another sign that I’m not focused on the right things. The money will come and I’m working on that relationship but trying to make it come to me lets me know I’m not trusting the universe. I’m still trying to make it happen.
Another thing I’m noticing is the trust, I feel that I need to save everything and I’m worried if there will be enough food, money or anything for everyone. A HUGE sign that I’m focusing on lack and trying to control it all instead of focusing on prosperity and my trust with it. I haven’t been thinking as positive as much as I would like, because my focus and the way I’m thinking isn’t focused on enough. Old feelings are starting to come back that wasn’t there, I’m thinking more on the negative side of things and I’m even catching myself watching sad themed shows. That was a bit of an eye opener.
Maybe it’s the fact that I want to take my art fulltime that my mind is instantly thinking I’m going to be broke and poor for the rest of my life. Maybe I should do my morning routine even on the weekends to prep my brain for the positive. Or even it’s because of summer, the season I hate the most, that is giving me more feelings of anxiety than any other season.
I think it’s because I’m not sticking to what I really want to do. I’m thinking that I need to have the to-do list finished and have this super organized life where everything is perfect. Perfection is my worst enemy because it always says that nothing is good enough and I should somehow strive for more.
Striving for more only leads to constant mini melt downs and a distrust of self, it’s super unrealistic. Also, being more self-conscious of the things I’m doing and worrying about what people think is also not the best way to live because now I’m constantly editing myself and what I’m doing. I’m not focused on what I want and doing just that and trusting. I’m getting in the bad habits of trying to control everything, which for many years never helped me, yet I’m compelled to do it anyway, it’s like my default way of being.
I have to let go and let the universe take care of me. I have to stop being in my head and start listening to my heart, TRUST the universe and follow it’s directives. I never lead me to a bad place and this time is no different, I’m just too focused on useless things for me to really tune into it and follow it.
Even though I’m doing new things, my feelings about life can’t revert back because it was my love for life, talents and activities that made them so fun, not the trying to make money and have a perfect life.
