Over the last few months or even a year, I’ve been transitioning from one style of living to its opposite.
Before I took on this healing journey to really find myself via changing my life style, all I wanted to do is work hard, get the popularity and status I wanted and live the life that most of us in this society would want. But as time went on and I embraced myself in a really deep way, I learned all that was just a mask to cover my perceived weakness. I didn’t feel I was ever enough, so I wanted to prove to the world that I was.
Doing that intense Crystal Code reading for myself was probably the best thing I could of done. It stripped me from the pain and mask of always being strong in the face of adversity and showed who I really was, just a child that is so incredible loving yet stunted by the world. From the reading I could tell I put on a lot of masks just to get through the day even If I wasn’t interacting with other people. I want to believe I can get through anything and can do everything, but my core desires isn’t about archiving the biggest goal, to collect a house, a man, a career or a big income and show it to others as a sign of my power. What I really want to do is help and love people. I want to believe that anyone can be good and trust worthy and that world peace is possible.
But I’ve gone very far in my thinking since I was young, I know that deep inside I truly feel that way, but I don’t live life in that fashion. My past and all the hurts that it contained made me very suspicious and untrusting, and although I know I’ve been more trusting than ever, true trust is very hard to come by. I didn’t realize how much mistrust I truly had towards the world till I done that reading. The ultimate trust between child and parent was broken before I even knew it, or could put words to, so that in turn made me feel that I can only rely on myself, emotionally especially.
Growing up with two kinds of nurturing from both parents missing I see how that effects my “adult” life. I needed a lot of nurturing growing up, I was incredibly sensitive and even aware… I had no idea that other people were so different from me growing up. I was so willing to help others even though I was terribly shy so it was hard to understand why I always got picked on and bullied. Growing up with that, it seemed like the message I got was I wasn’t good enough, and not just the typical saying of not being enough, as if you could change a certain habit and have your stuff together. I felt that I wasn’t who I was supposed to be, as if I couldn’t be “all of me” I had to be someone different. I had to care about different things, be stronger, not be as nice and all these different aspects that felt like a complete insult to my existence.
It’s really no wonder I grew up following my dysfunctional family and the standards that surrounded today’s society but found myself lost at sea about who I REALLY was, and if that person can get the life that would fit him. Because it felt as if the type of world I lived in wasn’t created for a person like me, I didn’t fit in the credentials that made success possible in life.
There wasn’t a lot of people that truly understood me, so I had to put on a mask to make that connection if it was even possible. It has its highs and lows but at the end of the day it wasn’t truly authentic.
I still feel that I’m trying to embrace this incredibly wounded inner child of mine because time has frozen in his emotional growth, but what do I expect when the most vital emotional needs from my childhood and teenage hood ( and even today) was missing and I had to rely on myself? You grow up strange, you look normal but something is always missing or isn’t right.
You look like all the other flowers but your stem is curved differently or you have off colored spots on your peddles. You try to cover this up with feeling strong and able but it’s more like an act to keep yourself from breaking down and truly feeling who you really are in front of a world that wants you to be someone else.
At the end of the day, learning about this deep hurt, this true person inside gives me the strength and wisdom to embrace him as I always needed from others. As well to see the truth of why I hold career, status, and popularity to such high regards.
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