I see that for a good chunk of my life I’ve been worried about what might happen, what is currently happening and what might not happen. When I’m in these thoughts and actions, in hopes to change things into my favor, I lose myself. I lose my sense of self and my sense of being in the present. There is something about worry, anxiety, stress, depression and the like that separates me so acutely from who I am. To the extent I can’t even remember the true purpose and the point of living.
I’m so enamored with constant messages to be this, or to do that, that I forget who I am and the things that “I” want to do and create for myself.
Even with trimming my schedule and lessening my unproductive interactions I have with the outside world, I still feel obligated to “show up,” socialize, help people, post things online, be productive and things just to “keep up” with everyone else. But if I were to be honest with myself, I couldn’t give a damn. I don’t want to keep up with every single thing that everyone is doing, and certainly I want more time to myself to be myself. I lose myself too often on a daily basis just to save face on some level.
I want to be free, free of all the things that I really don’t want to be bothered with. I want to be more alone and spend more time with myself in my own energy, even though I have my own place. I guess what I’m really saying is that I need to, even more, let go of the things that I don’t want to be bothered with because it’s keeping me in a space where I feel I have to jump through every hoop or even at the least, have my mind on things I really can’t control.
The quote “Relax, nothing is in control” resonates so deeply with me because I know that is the spiritual truth of it all. Nothing is really “in control,” everything is just “is.”
Maybe that is why I feel my best when I let go of the concept of time, trying to fix all my activities in neat little time slots, trying to plan ahead to avoid danger and simply trying my damndest to control the world around me. There is no need for me to control anything because everything is working as it should. It is me that needs not to be in control so that I can allow the universe to work around me and my own unique vibration.
I’m sabotaging my own self in the false belief of controlling the uncontrollable. The more I worry about and try to control, the more time I lose being in the moment and actually doing the things I truly want to do that will lead to the things I really want and desire.
But I always have a choice and seeing how my most recent actions are producing results that I don’t like, I can change how I do things, so that it suits me purely and my own happiness so that I’m happy with myself and my life.
