I’m realizing just how much changing the story I tell myself is important. That instead of watching other people live their lives and go after what they want, sitting in jealousy and envy, I can change my own life around. I can do exactly what I want to do as well, but I have to stop the bullshit story I keep telling myself.
It’s really disempowering looking at people on YouTube (or social media in general) and think to yourself how lucky and amazing they are, and how unfortunate I am. That somehow because of how I grew up or whatever, I can’t achieve the same things. It’s really all bullshit at the end of the day. I’m just as capable as they are, but if I’m not telling myself that story that I can do it, than how can I possibly make that leap? How can it be possible for me if I keep telling myself that I can’t or whatever excuses I make up because I’m feeling sorry for myself.
And a part of me wanted to feel bad for myself. I wanted to be the victim, but the problem with that is that I can’t be the hero. If I’m the victim of my circumstances than there is no room for change, I’m the victim after all. That doesn’t feel good, and that only leads me to make more excuses about dumb stuff that isn’t important or relevant in the grand scheme of things. I saw that yesterday, I saw how much I wanted to be the victim and how much I wanted to stay stuck because I was determined to be right. I wanted to be right and for the world to be wrong, and that doesn’t serve me one bit.
The only thing that I get is where I’m sitting in, victimhood and jealousy, and really, stagnation. That sucks. That’s a bullshit prize.
It just freaking sucks. So I decided to change that. I wanted to change that because I was sick of holding myself back for stupid reasons that don’t even matter. So what if people don’t do things the way I would want them to be done. I can’t control what other people do anyway so I can only do what I can do and leave the rest alone. To stop worrying and fussing over everything. Not that I don’t have a good reason to fuss but I can’t fuss enough to change things. I can surly advocate for myself, that is taking action and responsibly, but I was just complaining and not willing to move on with life.
That is what kept me stuck for so long.
I don’t know what you’ve might have been going through the last few days, weeks, months or years but I challenge you to really look at yourself right now and ask yourself, is it worth it? Is it worth it being right when you sacrifice your own growth at the end? Even if you are justified to feel the way you do (hell we all do) is it worth it to keep that resentment inside you for so long that you don’t even recognize yourself anymore?
I tell you it’s not, even if you think it is. Because nothing hurts more than not moving on, being stuck and really, not being able to create your own reality.
Being a victim sucks, and it sucks because you’re powerless in the situation. And I’ll be damned if I tell myself that story again.
Peace, love and ramen,
Kai <3
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