Vision 93: Getting Messy

Frustrated…

That’s been the feeling I’ve been occupying the last few months. I’m frustrated over the limits that I put in place on myself. I’m frustrated over the limits that I choose to do things. To not cut things off when I feel it’s the right time, leave things behind that no longer serve me and to throw useless things away.

In a way, I’m frustrated over myself. I can feel inside this big beautiful energy that wants to blossom even more and grow, but I’m limiting myself. I’m stopping myself because of my own insecurities and fears.

That I won’t know what to do, that things will be different and that I won’t be able to handle what will happen next. It’s like knowing you’re able to break the ceiling of your own capacity of joy, love and fun but choosing not to. You know what it will be like on the other side, you know you’ll be happier but you choose your comfort over expansion. You choose anger over joy, stagnation over expansion, fear over love and conformity over breaking the mold.

I don’t want to do that anymore, I want to grow, I want to expand, I want to move farther out of my “uncomfortable” comfort zone, I want to change things up, I want to take a leap of faith, I want to see myself differently… I want all of that and more. I can do it, I can change, for me, for myself, for my well-being.

I don’t have to let other people, circumstances or situations stop me from being all that I can be, because none of those things have control over my life, I do. I want that creative life, I want to fill my time with my own joy of self-expression, creativity, innovation and joy. I want that, WITHOUT thinking that I have to put it second (or really tenth) on my priority list.

I guess, I’m used to not considering my art as an “important” thing. I’m used to dreaming about the perfect circumstances, the time I can be supported and when everything else will be “completed” before I can go forward completely in my creativity.

That I’ll be secure and should be secure before engaging in my passion fully, but that is the thing that is stopping me.

My creativity, my passion isn’t something that I need to save for “last” when everything is “perfect.” My creativity isn’t that special, it’s not a luxury, it’s not something I’m supposed to wait for because everything else is “more important.” My creativity IS the most important thing in my life, it’s everything, the very backbone of my identity, and I don’t have to wait for it, not anymore.

It doesn’t have to be this special thing, it can be an everyday, normal thing because it permeates everything in my life. It can be me, it can be my everything because it IS my life and it IS important and VITAL to my well-being. It CAN be something that I focus on every day and something that I put over a lot of other- nowhere near as important- things on my priority list.

Creativity isn’t frivolous, it’s a way of life and an emotional and intellectual outlet for me that deserves my attention. I deserve to get messy with it, to roll around in it, and just be one with it. It’s been with me this whole time and I’ve been the snooty one. Feeling that I’m not yet good enough for it to be important in my life. That’s not true, and never was.

It wants to get real, messy, crazy and just authentic with me, it WANTS that from me. It doesn’t want me to be perfect, it wants me to be real, and if I create something that’s a hot mess then that’s more than okay. That is what my creativity is for, to express those messy feelings and to get real with myself. Not some trophy that I display for others to show how “whatever void I’m trying to fill” I am. My creativity is me, and I’m a mix of so many experiences, outlooks, perspectives and ideas that of course it’s going to come out a little messy at times…

I need to be okay with that. To be okay to be messy, to be real and authentic. To accept that I’m this multifaceted spiritual being that isn’t perfect, which my creativity and all the mediums that I do it in will reflect on, in one way or another.

And I think I’m finally okay with that…

Read More

Vision 92: UPgrade

I won’t allow people to take advantage of my kindness anymore. I won’t allow people to gaslight me, guilt trip me or throw who I am in my face because I decided to be all that I can be. I won’t allow myself to shut down in hopes to calm the next person down or to not start trouble.

I’m going to and always will stand up for myself no matter how much the next person doesn’t like it. I decide what is best for me every single day and no one gets the pleasure to make that choice for me anymore. I won’t stand for any ignorance in my life, toxicity, negativity, name calling or anything that is meant to destroy my self-esteem (or others really). I won’t allow that anymore.

My life is full of light, happiness, joy, expansion and just damn good times, but when someone wants to take that and throw it in my face as if I’m doing something wrong, I won’t stand for it anymore.

I’m done, I’m cutting you out of MY life.

It’s hard to decide when it’s time to up and leave a person’s life, more so family but I’ve learned time and time again that if I don’t decide to do something on behalf of me, because I don’t want to deal with anyone’s bullshit anymore, that it’ll only continue and I’ll also continue to be hurt, shut down and just not who I intended to be when I woke up that morning.

At the same time, it’s so liberating to decide that a person won’t be participating in my joy, in my growth and just all that I am and will become. It’s good to know that I can do this and still move on. Not because I believe that I couldn’t before, but my life, my sense of self will become that much greater without the heaviness.

I’m okay with being alone, I’m okay with being by myself and doing things independently because I know that I love me for me. And the people I choose to be around has to feel the same. If anyone doesn’t like the way I am and the way I choose to be, it’s not my problem and it only shows that you’re not a fit in my life.

I’m upgrading right now, myself, my views, my beliefs, my self-love, my behavior, my relationships with friends, family… Everything.

So if anyone wants to show their ass at this time, believe me you’re doing me a favor because it’ll only show who I need in my life and who I need to leave behind.

I’m happy that my life is the way it is, I’m happy for the way I am and who I choose to be every day and I won’t allow anyone to take that joy away from me. Not anymore.

Read More

Vision 91: False Sense of Power

I’m just realizing how much control I really don’t have over the world at large and how much energy I waste in the thoughts and attempts to manipulate the world into what I think it should be.

I see that for a good chunk of my life I’ve been worried about what might happen, what is currently happening and what might not happen. When I’m in these thoughts and actions, in hopes to change things into my favor, I lose myself. I lose my sense of self and my sense of being in the present. There is something about worry, anxiety, stress, depression and the like that separates me so acutely from who I am. To the extent I can’t even remember the true purpose and the point of living.

I’m so enamored with constant messages to be this, or to do that, that I forget who I am and the things that “I” want to do and create for myself.

Even with trimming my schedule and lessening my unproductive interactions I have with the outside world, I still feel obligated to “show up,” socialize, help people, post things online, be productive and things just to “keep up” with everyone else. But if I were to be honest with myself, I couldn’t give a damn. I don’t want to keep up with every single thing that everyone is doing, and certainly I want more time to myself to be myself. I lose myself too often on a daily basis just to save face on some level.

I want to be free, free of all the things that I really don’t want to be bothered with. I want to be more alone and spend more time with myself in my own energy, even though I have my own place. I guess what I’m really saying is that I need to, even more, let go of the things that I don’t want to be bothered with because it’s keeping me in a space where I feel I have to jump through every hoop or even at the least, have my mind on things I really can’t control.

The quote “Relax, nothing is in control” resonates so deeply with me because I know that is the spiritual truth of it all. Nothing is really “in control,” everything is just “is.”

Maybe that is why I feel my best when I let go of the concept of time, trying to fix all my activities in neat little time slots, trying to plan ahead to avoid danger and simply trying my damndest to control the world around me. There is no need for me to control anything because everything is working as it should. It is me that needs not to be in control so that I can allow the universe to work around me and my own unique vibration.

I’m sabotaging my own self in the false belief of controlling the uncontrollable. The more I worry about and try to control, the more time I lose being in the moment and actually doing the things I truly want to do that will lead to the things I really want and desire.

But I always have a choice and seeing how my most recent actions are producing results that I don’t like, I can change how I do things, so that it suits me purely and my own happiness so that I’m happy with myself and my life.

Read More

Vision 90: The Present Moment

It’s been a few days since I started to go back to my self-care routine, following fully in my bliss and deciding to be present in the moment, than dreaming about the future.

What I noticed most about my life and manifesting the things that I want is that I assume that just by visualizing, day dreaming and imagining the things I want in the future, somehow, the future will suddenly be here. That I’ll have everything I want, and I’ll be living the life I always wanted. I’ll be different, my personality will be different, my destiny will be different and the me that I am today will be gone.

But time and time again, it’s always shown to me that the person I am today, the core of who I am, will be the person and being that will be in the future that I’m imagining.

Without the me “today” there will be no me in the future. And without me being in the present, the future that I’m dreaming about can’t manifest itself to me, mostly because I’m stuck in a state of discomfort, anxiety and worry about the things that might or not might happen. But the point is in life is to create, I create my future through the present moment. I constantly take what I have and create and manifest more of it.

The future that I’m living today is last year’s dream which came from last year’s physical creation in that moment. I am here to create, the moment I’m living in now is the most furthest place I’ll ever be. There is no real future, just what I’m imagining and desiring it to be in the present. However, the future becomes today by not only my focus on what I want, but the act of creating the future today, not someday when things become perfect.

I believe that all that I want will surely come, not because it magically appears when I wake up, but by me honoring myself as I am right now and making it more. That is what manifestation is really about. Taking what you want, who you are, honoring it and making it into something more. It’s the reason why I’m here and the reason why I chose to be a creator in this reality, because it feels good to get my feet wet.

It feels good to see what I have now. It feels good knowing I can create the future how I really want it today. It feels good to know that I can start doing the things I love now, than having to wait in the future. It feels good that my future, loving and brilliant self emanates into my now in the present. And bit by bit constantly greets me and guides me to where I need to go to become the future I desire.

It feels good to cultivate this positive, affirming state of being. This is what gives me life, this is what keeps me in the present, this is what keeps me happy about the present that I’m in, than hopeful for a better future.

Read More

Vision 89: Allowing My True Self

The last few days have been the most peaceful days in my life. Hearing the morning birds, listening to my whispering intuition, sleeping in my bed and thinking about all the things that I want to do with my life, it’s been a huge blessing.

I haven’t been online nowhere near as much in the last few days and I contribute my peacefulness to that. Being online, as much as I love it, drives me to strive for things that simply aren’t for me nor is my business. I have a pretty good idea at this point on the type of life I want to live, but when I’m faced with millions of others that are also striving for what they want I tend to get confused.

Should I try traveling the world? Should I vlog my life? Should I be on YouTube again? What kind of artist should I be? What business should I create? What type of readings would be the best? It’s all very confusing when you’re constantly comparing yourself to everyone you see on the screen. And the simple fact is, these are all lives that I’m not living. These are people that gone through completely different experiences, life paths, allies, journeys, traumas, victories and defeats from me. I’m not those people, nor are they me, so why am I comparing myself and trying to achieve their standards? Whatever it is that life has thrown at them, made them desire and go after the goals that they’re after, it has nothing to do with me, or some overarching standard that all humans must achieve in this lifetime. I’ve learned that.

I always felt that myself and my life was inadequate and meaningless, which drove me to look at others that I thought were superior; I tried to mimic what it was that made those people great. But I’m seeing now, that the more I try to follow this endless stream of people that I thought were better than me, the more confused and meddled I have become on who I was and who I was supposed to be. I was truly lost at one point, nothing seemed good enough because I never stacked up against anyone that was worthy and important to others.

It was only until I closed down a lot of the things that I was doing out of obligation, pride and validation, and looked within my own self, did I see a truly unique and wonderful person with a story worth telling. As I focused more on the inside rather than the outside, did I find who I really was that was unedited and unfiltered by those around me.

The more I focus on this being, the more magical life becomes because I’m allowing my story, my dreams, ideals, ideas, creativity, my intentions and simply my spirit to soar. Where before, I kept that spirit locked inside because of my own fears of being insufficient.

 I’m learning to allow who I really am on my terms, and I’m seeing the results in the joy and peace that surrounds me. 

Read More

Vision 88: Determination

All my life I've been waiting for someone or something to come to rescue me from myself, the life that I let too many people take control of for years.

Only till now, did I see that no one "out there" is able to bring me the life that I truly want because it's not something that is already out there readily made and packaged for me. I have to go out and create the life that I want, to blaze the trail of my own power and future legacy, not sit around and hope that people will allow me to shine.

I'm doing myself a disservice expecting that someone outside of me is going to somehow give me permission to be able to do what I want and how I want it.

It's never going to come from anyone but me. I'll never find a space that is "perfect" for me, unless I make it, and surely no one is going to make it for me.

I can only do this myself, that was the kicker that stood out to me. I'm all alone in this new path, even though I have mountains of supports, the life that I'm wanting to create and live, I'm the only one that can create it. No more family, friends or authorities keeping a watchful eye, making sure that I do the right thing.

I have no one to lean on to help me make it happen and it has been one of my biggest set backs. Waiting for someone to come and do the work for me as I sit back and enjoy the ride, it's not going to happen and it's again putting me in a place of utter powerlessness.

But last night, when I saw myself in my pit of despair and saw that it was the fear of "putting myself out there" that was keeping me in the old, I knew exactly what I needed to do, and saw exactly what was going wrong.

Right now, I'm so ready to make big changes on my behalf knowing that I can never go wrong. I'm ready to truly cut ties with people that, even though I love them, can't support me as I truly need as they are right now. It's my time to cut all the shackles that is tying me down so I can spread my wings and fly, truly.

It's time for me to step into my power for real and start doing what I love, right now. Not waiting for the perfect moments to find me. Not hoping that things will change, not hoping that maybe my family will understand or that everyone will approve of me and my actions. I will never live the life I want with that mindset, and it surely won't create itself if I'm holding myself back from what I know I can manifest in this world.

I'm ready for the paradigm shift, I'm ready to start putting out there what I want so that the universe can see me and my desires and set me square on course for it.

I'm ready now, I'm determined, I'm taking control.

Read More

Vision 87: Undo

It's been so many moons since I gave myself the time, effort and self-love to come back to this blog, despite my current situation. 

So much has happened since my last blog post, I'm like a different person, yet, when I go through these pages I struggle to keep my playful attitude in life. 

I am different, I know a lot more about myself since I left my family and I surely don't regret any of my choices so far, but I'm frustrated with life and I'm frustrated with myself. I just want things to work, I just want things to happen right now. I want my own space now, I want to draw on the computer now, I want to listen to my music and play video games for countless hours now. I'm missing all the things that kept me sane in life and I'm trying to substitute the best that I can, but I would be lying to myself if I said that those things were just as good. 

I'm missing myself as a person and just what is normal for me, my own self-care, just the simple things like drinking tea and listening to music into the night.

I'm running to one group to another, digging up the past like I'm trying to bury a secret. Holding on to hope as tight as I can and trying to lean on my own faith is draining. I'm tired and I just want to go home, dying and death is becoming too much of a preoccupation for my mind in the last day or two. Even though it would make me happy to not be apart of this planet and to never deal with the things I'm dealing with now ever again, I so want to break open this tight veil, whatever it is that is blocking me from enjoying life. I'm fucking angry, I'm fucking pissed.

I'm pissed that I have a shitty family with really shitty values, traits and additions, I'm angry that I have to trade my "support" for my own dignity and self-respect, and I'm angry that things aren't working the way I want them to work out. It feels like no matter how much I try to tiptoe around my family, trying to make everyone happy, I still get shit. No one fucking hears me and is too wrapped up in their own shit and addictions to recognise the bullshit they are dishing out.

I'm tired of thinking about them everywhere I go and reminding myself of who I used to be than who I am becoming. I'm even tired of all the new groups I've been entering. I don't want to be another label and apart of another group that is yet misunderstood and is a minority in the earth's populace. I'm tired of being that, a person that isn't apart of anything and doesn't want to claim what is already out there. I'm tired of standing back from life because everything I see is something I don't want to be apart of but I'm too afraid to break out on my own and blaze my own trail. 

I'm tired of all the setbacks, the walls and obstacles I keep climbing, hoping that one day the world will open up to me. That shit is never going to happen and I'm tired of not doing anything to challenge the life I'm leaving now. 

Undo

Undo

If you're bleeding

Undo

And if you're sweating

Undo

If you're crying, darling

Undo

Undo

Oh I

Unravel

-

Ending lyrics to Undo by Bjork

Read More