I realized that when I was guided to listen to my life purpose session. When George and I was talking about the themes that all of my enjoyable memories and experiences were, it was all about imagination, creation and new worlds. That is when I knew, something inside just knew that what I was chasing before wasn’t what I really wanted. What I really want is the newness of life and the journeys I desire is to have as many new experiences as possible.
It also explains why I couldn’t get my drawing life back into place because I was trying to do the same thing as what was currently popular. As much as I like it, it’s not the subjects I want to draw, I want to create what I really want but was afraid to for a long time.
This realization of creating and experiencing new ways of being made my life even more simpler to understand. From myself as a person to what I create and put out into the world. The difference between now and then, is that I thought I was supposed to make what was already here more pleasant. As if I’m taking what the world already had when I was born and turn it into something that I enjoy. But I was mistaken, doing that in many different ways made me depressed because I felt that I wasn’t being all of who I am, I wasn’t really creating something new. I was just doing what everyone else wanted me to do.
However, in the times where I let my creativity free (more so when I was growing up) I notice that I would put things together that didn’t really make sense or belong, somehow doing things “my way” always made me feel like a true creator and an artist. Being an artist is not making a picture pretty for me, it’s accessing that core part of you that knows all and spreading that out in a way that makes sense to the artist themselves.
That is what I was missing, I was so hung up on what everyone else was already doing, and insisted on doing things in everyone else’s way that I truly lost myself. Being an individual is tough because we’re not taught to be truly ourselves. We can have a personality on some level but we’re expected to do things like everyone else. That is the biggest problem I have in life.
I don’t like doing things that is expected, in fact I was meant to stick out and be different. As much as I love to be different, it’s a really tough job to do because you face a lot of adversity and self-doubt. This self-doubt has prevented me from showing my own greatness for many years, and often clouded my true path. Which is one of the major reasons why I floundered in life for many years.
But seeing the true reason (or one of) why I’m on this planet and one of the major reasons why my life always seems to be a battle within my heart, I know what to do and expect. I know now there is nothing wrong with me, I was just blessed with this energy that isn’t meant to blend in with what’s normal. There isn’t anything wrong with the way I do things, I just have to trust that my way will take me to where I need to go. There is nothing wrong with my life, I was just mislead to think that my life is supposed to look a certain way.
One of the biggest blessings I’ve gotten this year (and I had a lot) is knowing that being different is my way of life, not because I “chose it” but because “I am it.” And no matter how much I try to fool myself or others my difference and rebellious nature will take over, showing me that I’m not being who I really am, but being what I think I have to be to “fit in.” Thank god however, that isn’t the reason why I’m here.
I’m here to blaze trails and possibly raise hell in places that people would least expect, but at least I know what I’m doing and why, it makes my life that much easier.
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