I always had a bad habit of not going to bed at a reasonable time but for some reason right now, I’m feeling it big time. I don’t enjoy waking up and I have no energy. I literally just want to go back to sleep no sooner I get up. This is a huge problem for me now because it’s feeding my anxiety and I’m completely at odds with it.
A part of me wants to get more sleep in the day, to relax more and let go while the more rigid part of me feels like I’m being lazy or unworthy because I need the extra rest. I even broke out of my rut by sleeping in and straying away from my normal routine last week but I’m dying to go back into it this week. I feel like a small child just wanting to be in the safety of his mother. And that’s what it boils down too, safety.
I don’t feel safe without knowing what to expect living here, I’ve always been that way. When I don’t have a routine I feel out of control, I feel like the world is going to spin out of orbit and anything that I want or desire will never come to me. I guess you can say I feel stuck indefinitely unless I move or do something. Honestly, thinking about it rationally it doesn’t make much sense, it’s just my mind saying that but that’s not what is actually happening. I think I’m like this because I don’t have much control over my family and they produce a lot of stress especially when they’re drinking.
Not too long ago I discovered that 80% of my issues and limited beliefs had stemmed from my family and a negative environment. It’s rare for me to get to the core of an issue of whatever I’m dealing with now that has something to do with something someone else did or said to me outside of my home. Everything starts here, at home and while I’m doing my best to reverse the effects of what it has done to me for years I still have pockets of struggle. I’m hoping my anxiety can ease and that my mind can rest without triggers that sends me back to my default mode. I love my family and appreciate whatever shitty path that it gave me but I’m frankly tired of it all. I’m tired of worrying, I’m tired of always looking behind me, I’m tired of being tired, I’m tired of being stressed because someone else is being stressed.
I long for solitude from it all and to be in my own energy. Most times I find the most calm when I’m by myself because I have no one else to worry about. Plus a lot of what goes on here is out of my control but I’m so hung up with trying to control myself in a way that makes everyone else happy that I simply fall into feelings of fear. Sometimes it feels like I’m on a roller coaster that I can’t get off of and I’m desperately trying my best to just find something I can hang on to.
I want to be content, I want to be okay with everything that is going on while maintaining my peace but I want to rip my skin off and jump outside my body. I’m dying for more peace and to be away from everything that stresses me out that has nothing to do with me. I’m tired of trying to be happy and serene when it feels like everything around me brings constant obstacles. I feel super frustrated and I don’t think I’ve been expressing those feelings enough lately, I’ve just been trying to “flow” with it all but I’m not saying what I truly feel so all that energy just stays locked within me.
Yes, I’m frustrated, I haven’t been sleeping like I should and I sometimes hate living with my family and wish to move so far away from here. I feel like I’m bitching over nothing but if I don’t have compassion for myself then it is no use to others either. My feelings are valid even if I’m saying them out of anger, I’m saying it because I’m angry and I’m angry because I haven’t been expressing myself because of the constant swinging of emotions I’ve been dealing with lately.
I just want to be at peace, I just want to be alone, I want to live alone where I’m never bothered by the constant bullshit. And I’m sick of judging myself for being frustrated and angry because I believe other people’s possible opinions of my own situation and circumstances is more valid than my own first hand experience. Again, more mental bullshit that is irrational but my brain is so quick to make it real so it feels like it’s happening when I’m completely fine. *sigh*
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