What’s the point of it all, it’s making less sense to me.
For some time now, I have been going outside in nature more. Enjoying the stillness and being-ness that we don’t experience in our homes. Everything is about the next job, school, goal, lover, child, success, failure, follower, plan, day, fashion, TV show and quite frankly shit I really don’t care about.
I have been indulging and wishing for so many things that has little to no real impact on my life that I’m convinced that the school system and society has domesticated my truly wild and free spirit.
To be honest, I want to live out in the wild, I want to experience what is it to be truly connected to the earth and others. I want to embrace myself as a child of the universe and stretch my skills and talents like I never have before. I want to shine, I want to be me, I just want way more than what I was taught in my life. Knowing who you are and knowing your true potential rather than living in the perspective of others, I see why young children are so disconnected from the “real world.” They haven’t been broken in yet to the beliefs and negative mindset that says “you have to do things in a certain way or you’re a failure, weirdo or unworthy.”
I hate so much that I let myself be brainwashed by my schooling, parents, peers, the media and every other influence that tries to keep me “in line,” to apparently keep me safe from harm. The biggest harm to me is losing your wild spirit to those that doesn’t know better. To stop shining because we were taught it’s wrong to show off, to stop feeling because “it’s weak,” to stop dreaming so big because it’s “unrealistic.” I’m tired of it all and the constant messages that says that you have to be a certain way because of your background, race, where you grew up in and just bullshit that doesn’t matter.
What I’m saying is I’m angry that I want way more than I think anyone around me could try to explain. I’m angry because I feel like I want to live in the woods, get a companion wolf and just live as who I really am. I’m angry because I love what I have and everything it has done for me, yet I so desperately want to move far away from it. As much as I love this life at this time period, I know it’s not me.
I’m not sure why, but I just feel it, that real shining part of myself that is connected to all things. It keeps nudging me to go outside, to eat more natural things, to run, jump and play with the animals, to forgo meaningless goals and get real and deep with what matters. It wants to be validated so bad but I’m resisting a lot by being angry. At how I’m not letting myself be who I really am, but blaming society and those around me that convinced me that I was a “civilized human.”
I don’t want to be a civilized human anymore, I feel like a caged animal and I feel so much power inside myself that wants to burst out it’s emotionally painful. I want to cry…
I want to be free, I want to travel the world, I want to dig my hands into the earth, I want to start praising the earth like my ancestors from the divine did. I feel like I never belonged in this planet in the first place, I feel like an adoptee, just dropped here to see how everything was doing.
I’m not going to lie, I don’t like it, where I am now, torn between who I knew myself as a “human” and the precious super powerful being that I know that I am. The pull is so strong now to just “be myself” that I can barely take it, and all I can do is get mad and angry so I can feel like someone is stopping me.
No one is stopping me but myself, and I have to get really honest with myself in this situation. Who do I want to be? What do I need to change to finally be on the road where I feel like myself? What do I need to cultivate in myself to make me feel like I’m not being brainwashed by the world? I have a lot of thinking to do, but that is just for me to keep myself in limbo, what I need to do is accept.
To accept I’m not what I think I always was and trust it, no matter what it may bring. I have to trust that wild spirit within me and follow it in the dark woods inside my soul, it knows what it’s talking about. I have to let go of the domesticated part of myself, and finally be the wild sunlit warrior that was always swimming within me.
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