It was really scary, even though I was excited to go. I was fearful and didn’t know what to expect. I honestly wanted to keep a distance from everyone, I was emotionally and even spirituality separating myself from the group. After hearing everyone stories; however, I had the courage to share my own which wasn’t easy.
Within a few seconds I was crying really bad, it hurt so much to know how much my mom’s addiction has changed the person I thought I never was. It’s painful to know that your own family caused such a deep rift in yourself. It’s something that I’m honestly pissed about even though I want to forgive. I’m not sure if I’m in that place quite yet because I’m starting to feel more resentment than forgiveness these days.
I just want peace, I just want calm but that is nearly impossible being in a chaotic environment, the arguments, power struggles, pain, money issues and just the drinking itself takes away all of that, and it sucks. I don’t want to dive too deep into the negativity of this, but I am realizing that I’m way too accepting of the way things are. And I’ve been way too passive in the past towards action to change myself than to change others. The hardest part is always knowing that “this” might never change and if I don’t do something, I’m always going to be in it. That is what I resent the most, the fact that even though I have nothing to do with what goes wrong, I still stuffer none the less. I feel like it should be my family that should stuffer, or even more so. I want them to feel how I feel. To feel everything, every emotion, every pain, every bad thought, all of my internal struggles and feelings of being judged.
I hate that I have sat here and let myself be turned into a self-loathing being, hoping and wishing that someone somewhere will save me from all of this, or that my family will care enough to change. I feel so broken over that because it was the illusionary promise that was never kept. It was all a lie, and if I knew sooner I probably would of done something just as fast.
The meeting, even though it brought up a lot of pain and even more realization of the situation that I’m in, gave me a place where I can be honest with other people that understands how I feel. A part of me wanted to dismiss the whole thing thinking that our focus on the negativity will only keep me in struggle even longer, but that voice didn’t sound loving at all. It was myself wanting to isolate myself again and hope that I can make it without any help; that I wasn’t like them. I didn’t want to be like everyone else and was prone to pain like this. I wanted to be stronger than that, but that honesty got me nowhere, I’m in even more pain because of it.
I want to give this all that I got because I’ll never find that kind of support here. I also have to be really honest with myself and not give excuses on how I’m feeling and the impact my good meaning family does do to me. I have to think about myself very selfishly and give no explanation why. I have to keep moving forward and hope that things change even faster than I could imagine and even more so because I got more support to keep myself moving.
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