It didn’t take much for me to get started, with my family’s drinking and all the dysfunction that I faced over the years, a lot of hurt and resentment hangs around me daily. This clearing ceremony, my focus was to move past my own very old feelings that I held towards my family for years, so that I can finally move on. It takes a lot to hold so much in but when you live with alcoholics life isn’t as simple nor so cut and dry. Everything is generally very confusing.
Anyway, when I wrote my letter to burn I realized a couple of things. First, my value is NOT based on my family or their choices. Deep inside for a very long time I thought that I had no real value because I had nothing to give. I couldn’t save my family or make things better so that showed who I was. But that is not true. I also realized earlier this year that my dad installed in me that I had very little value, and I was living off of that programing but I’ve been changing that around.
Second, my very own success, the success that only I have access too, has nothing to do with my family or background. For many years I assumed that for me to be successful I had to be “perfect,” I couldn’t have a dysfunctional family or at least live with one. But that isn’t true either. My success has nothing to do with my family or where I come from.
Third, trying to be Mr. Perfect and Right is stopping me from living my own life. When you live with alcoholism you’re bound to treat things in a very drastic manner because your whole life lives by that philosophy. When things are wrong and hurtful it truly takes a different form because this is your life constantly being disrupted, you have no real peace. And being the only one that doesn’t drink I put it on myself to right wrongs and make my family “better.” I assumed that I was the only one that can do this so much so that I started living in a very ridged manner. Everything became very distorted. I knew what I wanted and I really knew about what I didn’t want. So I was very determined to eliminate any possible hiccups or obstacles towards my goal of perfection and escape this horrible family dynamic.
This caused me to be so hyper critical towards myself and others that I killed my own motivation to try to truly improve myself among other things. I just didn’t hold a lot of compassion towards myself at the end of the day which made everything that much harder.
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