The night before, I had an ah-ha moment that everything I was trying to do to try to escape my dysfunctional household was setting me back big time. It felt clear to me that the universe didn’t want me to look for a way out, but to go within and get creative. To start expressing myself, my dreams and what I want to happen, not to over think things and control everything.
I’ve been stressing hard over my own intuition vs. the urgency everyone else presents to me time and time again. I simply can’t fall in line with everyone else’s time line, when I do, I stress out and lose myself in it all. I’m completely out of my power when I’m in that mode so I’m worst off trying to do anything, even more so trying to fix “my whole life” in one day.
It’s very stressful and I don’t even know where one part starts or when one part ends, I just know that I want to crawl under a hole because I simply can’t do everything I think I need to do all at once. It’s very draining to say the least.
I noticed that even though I have been drawing more, I haven’t been connecting to my source, my lunar side nowhere near as much as I should. I’m not sure where my head has been, but it hasn’t been where it needed to be. Actually, I’ve been more concerned over my internal schedule of things to do, my to do list and simply trying to “keep up” with everything outside of me instead of actually following my intuition fully. I see where I’m stagnating on.
I’m not being open to my lunar side, trying new things, writing out my feelings daily, doing yoga, trying new creative products, breaking my norms, day dreaming and simply connecting to my spirit. What I’m doing is trying to connect to this artificial heart beat of the external world, trying to jump through as many hoops people provide me as possible and trying to “maintain” this false sense of “I got it together.” That is not me and I’m not in my most blissful allowing state in that mode either, it’s actually blocking me from what I really want.
Because again, I’m stuck on this notion that I have to have everything in its perfect place externally. I have to finish everything I started. I can’t move on till everything is where it “should” be, instead of following my gut that guides me to where I need to be and when I need to go. I don’t have to try so hard to maintain my external world, I need to learn to live in my internal world and let my reality change organically.
It’s a rough balance at times, and I naturally lean into my solar side despite my intuitive nature so I have to check myself often to know if I’m doing things because I’m guided by the universe or my own (and others) fear.
Right now the universe is guiding me to go downstream, let go of the oars and back to my intuitive self. It’s tough when everyone is insisting you to “be on the ball” but they don’t know me like my intuition, and they can’t see my bright future like my intuition so I owe it to myself to listen to the right guidance.
My lunar side, who I really am, my true connection to source and everything that I love, that is what guides me and who I need to listen too.
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