It’s scary sometimes to want something so bad that you’ll actually self-sabotage every time you get close to it. You’ll pump yourself up, get excited, actually prepare, but once it’s time to make that jump… You’ll back out, make excuses and just flake out for whatever reason. I’m seeing and feeling that in myself right now.
I want to draw more, explore my artistic style, draw different things and start commissions but I’m having a moment. That moment when I look at what’s ahead and see potentially what I need or should do. I start overthinking it, trying to over plan, trying to make everything fit into place and once I’m in that space long enough, I decide that I’m not ready or I need more time and slowly go back into my cave. I guess when I put it that way, there isn’t much to be afraid of. I guess the thing I’m most afraid of is failing.
But if I don’t start at all then that is worse than failing, it’s me not even believing in myself enough to start. And I do believe I can do this and all the artistic pursuits I want to experience, I really do. I guess perfection is on my heels once again, wanting to prove something to all the invisible voices and people in my head… The funny part about that is I don’t need to prove anything, I don’t even need a good reason for starting to pursue my purpose and my bliss.
This is something I want because I want it, I’m not doing this solely for fame, fortune or popularity. Though I do recognize I want all of those things eventually from my purpose it’s not the reason I’m doing it. I’m doing it because I don’t know what’s going to happen, I just have this happy feeling in my stomach and this urge to get started. When I start thinking about all the right moves that I might need to make, that magic starts to disappear. It’s really not that fun anymore when I try to know what’s going to happen and how.
It’s not an adventure if there is certainty to it. What makes struggle a struggle is that you’re uncertain and unhappy about it, you don’t know what’s going to happen. But with an adventure, you’re uncertain but happy and excited about it because you don’t know what’s going to happen or what you’ll have to do to reach your goal. That is the difference between an adventure and a struggle.
That is what my guide said to me while I was on my walk yesterday, when he said it, it really captured me and the way I see things. The reason I’ve been exploring and taking more risks was for the adventure of it, not because I was certain of how it would go. In fact, it was the excitement of seeing how it will all fall into place and me simply experiencing the things that I wanted to do that made me do it in the first place.
This is really no different, it’s an exciting adventure that I’m being called to but if I’m not willing to just go and be happy and see how it goes, it’ll become a struggle. Even if it doesn’t work out the way I want it to, I’m not here to achieve a goal, but to experience life and there is no certainty in life so I minds enjoy the adventure of it all.
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