Vision 64: I Was Meant to be Different

I was meant for newness and adventure, to create what was never been before. I thought that I wanted to create what was already here but in a more harmonious way, but I was wrong. What I really want and desire in my soul is to experience new things.

I realized that when I was guided to listen to my life purpose session. When George and I was talking about the themes that all of my enjoyable memories and experiences were, it was all about imagination, creation and new worlds. That is when I knew, something inside just knew that what I was chasing before wasn’t what I really wanted. What I really want is the newness of life and the journeys I desire is to have as many new experiences as possible.

It also explains why I couldn’t get my drawing life back into place because I was trying to do the same thing as what was currently popular. As much as I like it, it’s not the subjects I want to draw, I want to create what I really want but was afraid to for a long time.

This realization of creating and experiencing new ways of being made my life even more simpler to understand. From myself as a person to what I create and put out into the world. The difference between now and then, is that I thought I was supposed to make what was already here more pleasant. As if I’m taking what the world already had when I was born and turn it into something that I enjoy. But I was mistaken, doing that in many different ways made me depressed because I felt that I wasn’t being all of who I am, I wasn’t really creating something new. I was just doing what everyone else wanted me to do.

However, in the times where I let my creativity free (more so when I was growing up) I notice that I would put things together that didn’t really make sense or belong, somehow doing things “my way” always made me feel like a true creator and an artist. Being an artist is not making a picture pretty for me, it’s accessing that core part of you that knows all and spreading that out in a way that makes sense to the artist themselves.

That is what I was missing, I was so hung up on what everyone else was already doing, and insisted on doing things in everyone else’s way that I truly lost myself. Being an individual is tough because we’re not taught to be truly ourselves. We can have a personality on some level but we’re expected to do things like everyone else. That is the biggest problem I have in life.

I don’t like doing things that is expected, in fact I was meant to stick out and be different. As much as I love to be different, it’s a really tough job to do because you face a lot of adversity and self-doubt. This self-doubt has prevented me from showing my own greatness for many years, and often clouded my true path. Which is one of the major reasons why I floundered in life for many years.

But seeing the true reason (or one of) why I’m on this planet and one of the major reasons why my life always seems to be a battle within my heart, I know what to do and expect. I know now there is nothing wrong with me, I was just blessed with this energy that isn’t meant to blend in with what’s normal. There isn’t anything wrong with the way I do things, I just have to trust that my way will take me to where I need to go. There is nothing wrong with my life, I was just mislead to think that my life is supposed to look a certain way.

One of the biggest blessings I’ve gotten this year (and I had a lot) is knowing that being different is my way of life, not because I “chose it” but because “I am it.” And no matter how much I try to fool myself or others my difference and rebellious nature will take over, showing me that I’m not being who I really am, but being what I think I have to be to “fit in.” Thank god however, that isn’t the reason why I’m here.

I’m here to blaze trails and possibly raise hell in places that people would least expect, but at least I know what I’m doing and why, it makes my life that much easier.

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Vision 63: The Power Inside Me

I’ve been finding my power in a lot of ways this year, but one has caught me off guard. It’s that wild and instinctual spirit inside me. The one that everyone told me to avoid, to not engage in and to resist to stay pure and innocent.

The funny part about that is this power greeted me. I didn’t want to interact with it because of my own beliefs about it. Most of which was from society and what I learned about power growing up. I thought it was dangerous, that my earthy and animalistic side to me was something I had to overcome. It was lower, not worthy and had nothing good to give. Yet, I found so much love, true love for myself that I never felt before in my life. It’s not just the self-love that I’ve grown from this place that surprises me the most, but the cleansing effect it gives my life.

So much of my past, old energies and just limited beliefs where held up inside me, just sitting there. But once I finally stop resisting my own power, and finally engage with what the universe had graciously given me, the power to heal very old wounds came about. I felt so good dancing with this partner of mine.

She is so beautiful, wise and mysterious. She came to me in my most private moments, just waiting for me. As shocking as it was, I listen to what she had to say and good god was it amazing. I wish I wrote down everything she said but she told me truths about the real power that I had and how important for those powers to run free. Power like this can’t be resisted forever, it’s a divine gift that was meant to be experienced by those that are ready. And as much as I want to deny it, I was ready. That potential was always there, I was just mislead by the world about my own source of power.

I can’t explain everything in such a short amount of words of how I feel about this part of myself but I know that this is something I had no idea was waiting for me. Just to feel this surging power flow throughout my being is more than I can take sometimes. It makes me wonder why the world wanted to hide this away from me? As if they were protecting me from danger?

The most dangerous thing to do is hiding this in the first place, making me think that my own divinity is something to be ashamed of. It can be considered unholy by those that see others abuse this power but why damn the whole concept when a few others took it for granted. Moreover, I can understand why this power was “hidden” from the conscious eye. If everyone had access and can control their own power, this world would be a much different place.

We wouldn’t walk around expecting others to give to us what we can only give to ourselves. We wouldn’t be so quick to give our everything to everyone, and we would be a lot more powerful physically, mentally, emotionally and spiritually. That is what my wild and fearless spirit is trying to tell me, I have all these gifts but they are hidden by the limited beliefs of my own culture and species. I have to explore these magical places within myself and embrace my own being along with them.

She taught me that in this unique journey, there is nothing to be afraid of in this “dark” place that people told me about. It’s safe, nurturing, grounding and magical. It’s nothing what people have been telling me for years.

It’s much more powerful than that, and it’s something that I have complete access and control of. Which scares the absolute shit out of people, and why they choose to hide it in the first place.

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