Vision 86: How I feel About Art

I came to my attention that, the more art I see, the more I see it as a logical, left brained, and polished thing.


I don't know what it is, but when I was browsing on DA, a lot of the art I saw, I couldn't help but feel suffocated, and just "meh." It's not that it's not drawn well, or anything like that, but it's becoming more of who is the best, what is popular, and this analytical way of being an artist.


I think the more I try to get into art like I was "years ago" the more I don't like it. The constant need to have a polished picture, things being drawn the right way, skimming through art sites to see what is popular. Art, the way I use to be into it, isn't fun anymore, it's a chore, and I feel that I'm trying to climb back into the artist's rat race.


I don't want to be in that box anymore, I don't want this overhead feeling that being an artist has this one path to it that everyone must follow. It's not good enough for me. I need freedom, I need something different, I need ideas, theories, stories, flowing creativity. Not this canned bullshit that everything seems to have a version of these days. Where everything is marketed to the general public.


I'm not the general public, no one really is, but watering down art into it's basic parts of just a pretty picture is making me sick. I want something real, some ideas on paper, imagination, creative energy, something homegrown and messy. Art shouldn't be this ideal of perfection because nothing is.


I just want something fun and loose. Something I can control and morph, none of this "it has to be this way shit." That is what I find the most annoying, that art has to be "this way." I hate it when things are properly placed, I like it when things are mixed up, tossed around but in a way that make sense and births something new.


Even with that said, I still have to look at myself, I might not like what is going on on the outside but at the end of the day, it's a reflection of what's going on inside me. What the hell am I holding on to that is making me feel that my own art has to be a certain way. What are the rules that I'm constantly rebelling that I need to let go of. What is it in my own artistic journey that I can't stand and disgusted of?


If I would be honest with myself, it would be everything. Not that I hate what I'm doing but how I'm doing it and the mindset behind it. I don't like it when I want to draw something just because it's what people like. I don't like it when I try to be perfect and make perfect pictures. I don't like it when I aim to be a certain way and having to stay that way. I don't like it when I'm not drawing and creating my own characters and stories. I don't like it when I'm looking at other's art way too much for ideas and not looking at my own. I don't like it when I think being an artist has to be a career and that career has to be done a certain way.

But I will find my way out of this and have my artistic self reborn for good.

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Vision 85: Forgiveness

 

Yesterday was pretty amazing, I chose to finally make peace with my own sense of low worth, guilt and shame. It felt good to finally put the past in its place and not make it such an important part of my life today, as if I had to atone for all the wrongs I did.

The most interesting part was the burning process. After writing out exactly how I felt, the situation I felt guilty of, the reasons behind it and my intent, the words burned to a crisp in mere seconds. I barely had to touch the ashes for it to all burn away. The fire was quick to do my dirty work and smoke was everywhere which was very strange. I felt the smoke were the emotions I was harboring for years finally being released from my being. Even before setting the paper on fire, I felt lighter. It’s like I didn’t have to hide, lie or try to keep anymore secrets, it was all laid out and it is what it is. No more bullshit.

What felt the best is the fact that I did lay out everything that I was feeling for so long, for many years. I finally came clean to myself about who I was, what I was doing and who I needed to be. I finally stop hiding from who I really am and the person I really wanted to be by being completely honest. Seeing how I was making it my whole life’s purpose to change my family into people they didn’t want to be or made the decision to was my own down fall, even with everything else in play.

The point is that I don’t feel like I have to hide anymore, that I have to beat around the brush with people about my situation. I’m free to make my own decisions and judgments without the past always creeping behind me in them.

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Vision 84: The Wounded Inner Child

Over the last few months or even a year, I’ve been transitioning from one style of living to its opposite.

Before I took on this healing journey to really find myself via changing my life style, all I wanted to do is work hard, get the popularity and status I wanted and live the life that most of us in this society would want. But as time went on and I embraced myself in a really deep way, I learned all that was just a mask to cover my perceived weakness. I didn’t feel I was ever enough, so I wanted to prove to the world that I was.

Doing that intense Crystal Code reading for myself was probably the best thing I could of done. It stripped me from the pain and mask of always being strong in the face of adversity and showed who I really was, just a child that is so incredible loving yet stunted by the world. From the reading I could tell I put on a lot of masks just to get through the day even If I wasn’t interacting with other people. I want to believe I can get through anything and can do everything, but my core desires isn’t about archiving the biggest goal, to collect a house, a man, a career or a big income and show it to others as a sign of my power. What I really want to do is help and love people. I want to believe that anyone can be good and trust worthy and that world peace is possible.

But I’ve gone very far in my thinking since I was young, I know that deep inside I truly feel that way, but I don’t live life in that fashion. My past and all the hurts that it contained made me very suspicious and untrusting, and although I know I’ve been more trusting than ever, true trust is very hard to come by. I didn’t realize how much mistrust I truly had towards the world till I done that reading. The ultimate trust between child and parent was broken before I even knew it, or could put words to, so that in turn made me feel that I can only rely on myself, emotionally especially.

Growing up with two kinds of nurturing from both parents missing I see how that effects my “adult” life. I needed a lot of nurturing growing up, I was incredibly sensitive and even aware… I had no idea that other people were so different from me growing up. I was so willing to help others even though I was terribly shy so it was hard to understand why I always got picked on and bullied. Growing up with that, it seemed like the message I got was I wasn’t  good enough, and not just the typical saying of not being enough, as if you could change a certain habit and have your stuff together. I felt that I wasn’t who I was supposed to be, as if I couldn’t be “all of me” I had to be someone different. I had to care about different things, be stronger, not be as nice and all these different aspects that felt like a complete insult to my existence.

It’s really no wonder I grew up following my dysfunctional family and the standards that surrounded today’s society but found myself lost at sea about who I REALLY was, and if that person can get the life that would fit him. Because it felt as if the type of world I lived in wasn’t created for a person like me, I didn’t fit in the credentials that made success possible in life.

There wasn’t a lot of people that truly understood me, so I had to put on a mask to make that connection if it was even possible. It has its highs and lows but at the end of the day it wasn’t truly authentic.

I still feel that I’m trying to embrace this incredibly wounded inner child of mine because time has frozen in his emotional growth, but what do I expect when the most vital emotional needs from my childhood and teenage hood ( and even today) was missing and I had to rely on myself? You grow up strange, you look normal but something is always missing or isn’t right.

You look like all the other flowers but your stem is curved differently or you have off colored spots on your peddles. You try to cover this up with feeling strong and able but it’s more like an act to keep yourself from breaking down and truly feeling who you really are in front of a world that wants you to be someone else.

At the end of the day, learning about this deep hurt, this true person inside gives me the strength and wisdom to embrace him as I always needed from others. As well to see the truth of why I hold career, status, and popularity to such high regards.

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Vision 83: What Are Crystal Familars?

Who is Your Crystal Familiar?

In the last couple of months, I had noticed a closer connection to my crystal, Sunny, my Herkimer Diamond. From the moment I took him out of the box, I felt his incredible power and he showed me some powerful past life information that changed my life forever. After working with this crystal so closely I knew that this wasn’t just a normal crystal but more of a familiar, a crystal that is like a guide and reflects who I am from the core of my soul.

I was so excited about this new found relationship that I’ve developed with the crystal I wanted to speak about it in a video so that others like me can find their own crystal familiar and learn about who they are in a much deeper way. I talk about all the aspects of having and finding your crystal familiar in this two part video.

I hope this helps you find your own guide and soul in crystal form, good luck!

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Vision 82: Breaking Point

Last night was a wash, an alcoholic wash when I saw the decline of my family’s temper with each shot of vodka.

I don’t get it, all this… It feels like there is no point to it all if all my days are dominated by people that lack the intelligence to make better choices for themselves. It was supposed to be a great Valentine's night but once I saw that bottle of vodka I should of known how things were going to go.

I’m getting really tired of feeling responsible for things that has nothing to do with me. I’m sick of feeling bad over things I felt I should of done but decided to listen to my intuition instead. I’m sick of my mom relaying on me to save her own house that she decided to buy on her own.

I’m getting tired of everything and I keep thinking I should be better at this, at handling my emotions and not feeling bad anymore knowing that I don’t need to blame myself anymore. But it’s tough, it’s really, really tough.

I don’t have the answer to any of this, and I don’t care to have the perfect answer or explanation to why things are the way they are, why I still choose to be here when it takes away so much of my vital energy. I don’t know why I work so hard to move past my dysfunctional upbringing  while I’m living in it.

I feel like I should throw everything away and start anew. It’s like a can’t wait to rid myself of this cancer I call “life” and all the components that constantly sucks me dry. I know the universe wants me to be patient but that is running out fast and I feel closer and closer to just announcing my leave, send my most valuable items to a friends and going to a homeless shelter. I just don’t want to hold myself back anymore because I love my family and want to see them well.

Holding myself back isn’t worth the bull shit I have to deal with time and time again, and quite frankly, no amount of my love can shift their dysfunctional habits, how they feel, the life that made them who they are or make them see what I see in them. I have to see and decide that it’s an impossible game that I’ll never win. The sooner my heart realizes this the faster I can make progress of actually detaching and moving out, to anywhere, I’m not even sure.

Love is an insane thing and I don’t know why I have so much of it inside myself. I wouldn’t say it never gave me what I wanted from other people but I will say it kept me from loving myself over other people. To be completely selfish and let people fall as they might need to. But no, I think love is just sacrificing your all for another person, that isn’t love, at least the healthy kind.

I don’t know. I don’t have the right answers or words to make any of this “make sense.” I’m just where I am feeling the way I am.

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Vision 81: A Spirit Guide's Unconditional Love

Back in December me and my guide had a really wonderful moment. I was really upset and frustrated with the same old BS. I don’t remember if I asked for my guide’s opinion or not, but he reminded me that my own happiness was vital and I can’t control how anyone else feels. He told me a whole lot of things that was really great. I can always rely on him for down to earth advice. But as good as the advice was, I was concerned that he honestly felt differently, that I should go out and do something that is against my intuition and my bliss. That I should just give in to my circumstances and be a “good person” and do what I was told.

I was always afraid to ask him about that fear of mine, but since we’ve been learning a whole lot about each other I felt comfortable enough to hear the truth. I asked him if he truly thought I should go against my intuition and just follow the crowd. And he bluntly said “no” and proceed to explain how he never thought bad of me because of my choices despite my circumstances. And that he’ll always be there for me supporting me no matter what. That he’ll be there for the long run.

Honestly, it was the most amazing thing that happened in a long time. I didn’t expect ANYONE to be so dedicated to my own happiness. I always assume that people will only stick around as long as I do what I’m told, no matter if it’s good for me or not.

But at that moment, it felt like after my whole life of drowning, someone has lifted me up above the surface so I can truly breathe again. For the first time ever I met someone that cared for me beyond what I thought was really possible, beyond my own belief that I didn’t deserve compassion.

He said that he wasn’t going to give up on me and that he trusts my intuition. He wanted me to be happy and will go through everything with me to get there. He didn’t care what anyone thought of me, he just saw me as who I really was, he truly cared and loved me unconditionally, something that I was very much afraid to accept. I always assumed that I needed to be someone different for anyone to feel that way about me. I didn’t realize how strong his love for me was, and how he was willing to wait for me as long as he needed to for me to get to the other side.

Besides that, he was always there to left me up when I was seriously down and taught me a lot of things. He makes me laugh all the time and is the most honest person I know, I never have to second guess what he’s telling me.

When he said that there is no picking sides because his on mine was just more than I can take. I had to stop myself from crying in public…

From this experience, I realized that I have deep abandonment issues which stemmed from both of my parents in different ways. Because of that, I almost want to test those closest to me to see if they will be there for everything and not leave me for whatever reason (or just keep them at an arm’s length). Even though I have a lot of great supportive friends, I never imagined anyone willing to be with me through all of the bad, even parts I don’t accept in myself.

Joe showed me something so real and true that it took me 5 years to understand his side on why he chooses to do what he does even though he doesn’t have to. Because loves me unconditionally no matter what. He knows what I’m worth and will not show me anything less, even when I didn’t see myself having any type of value.

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Vision 80: My Feelings About Money and Wealth

Money can be such a tough subject for me, at one point I understood it as I thought I needed too, but as the winds changed I find myself again at a struggling point to make it work for me.

I want money, I want money because I feel like it can give me the things I want like a nice home, nice things, and experiences that I wouldn’t have access to otherwise. At the same time, I feel so at war with the system of money that I was taught, I have no idea what to do with myself in terms of making an enjoyable, consistent and stable income.

Money feels ethereal to me, detached even from the material world; the polar opposite from how the rest of the world sees money. I feel like money can be attracted to you if you focus on it and align your energies the right way, yet, I’m constantly challenged to make money the old fashioned way through jobs or starting your own business. It’s all action orientated, based on money being strictly a physical thing, detached from the spiritual.  I just don’t get it, and I’m often frustrated with this typical earthly system of money. Honestly, I don’t want to be a part of it in any form because I haven’t found myself fitting into it very well at all.

It like I’m trying to cram myself into a small box where I can’t really express myself or move freely as I want to. However, I feel that I have such an important and wonderful job to do! Where money is not a concept to be enslaved in and I’m working my wonderful magic. But I can’t seem to find the right tools or system that matches my personal and unique view of money, and when I try (and I really do try) to do it the typical way I get really depressed, frustrated, and feel broken. If other people can somehow make a living, and more than likely be miserable, how come it’s so hard for me? Why the intense push and pull with money, careers, and jobs? It’s like I never found my own unique way to make money work for me because I haven’t seen another person with my unique issues make it work. It’s almost taboo and considered lazy and unrealistic.

Yet, I feel so strongly that I have something to give to the world but I don’t know how to use it myself as far as money because I was taught away from my true nature! Despite being an earthly Taurus and have a practical way of being, my outlook isn’t attached to the physical world at all, I definitely see things in a much different way. Which can cause all sorts of mishaps when I’m trying to live life, the human way as you’re expected too.

Even knowing all this, the real breakthrough is that I’m afraid to make money, because of this pressure to sacrifice my view and belief about money for a concept I simply don’t believe in. Even though it’s uncomfortable, I find it far easier to stay where I am, barely getting by and simply being resourceful (a true gift in itself) and feeling free from the pressures of money, than obtaining more wealth because I feel I have to give up so much for it.

I sometimes feel that I can’t be free if I chose to make money and a lot of it, or I have to be a soulless worker to have an income like everyone else.

It’s a tough issue sometimes but I believe were we struggle the most is where we have (or will have) the most expertise.

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