Vision 88: Determination

All my life I've been waiting for someone or something to come to rescue me from myself, the life that I let too many people take control of for years.

Only till now, did I see that no one "out there" is able to bring me the life that I truly want because it's not something that is already out there readily made and packaged for me. I have to go out and create the life that I want, to blaze the trail of my own power and future legacy, not sit around and hope that people will allow me to shine.

I'm doing myself a disservice expecting that someone outside of me is going to somehow give me permission to be able to do what I want and how I want it.

It's never going to come from anyone but me. I'll never find a space that is "perfect" for me, unless I make it, and surely no one is going to make it for me.

I can only do this myself, that was the kicker that stood out to me. I'm all alone in this new path, even though I have mountains of supports, the life that I'm wanting to create and live, I'm the only one that can create it. No more family, friends or authorities keeping a watchful eye, making sure that I do the right thing.

I have no one to lean on to help me make it happen and it has been one of my biggest set backs. Waiting for someone to come and do the work for me as I sit back and enjoy the ride, it's not going to happen and it's again putting me in a place of utter powerlessness.

But last night, when I saw myself in my pit of despair and saw that it was the fear of "putting myself out there" that was keeping me in the old, I knew exactly what I needed to do, and saw exactly what was going wrong.

Right now, I'm so ready to make big changes on my behalf knowing that I can never go wrong. I'm ready to truly cut ties with people that, even though I love them, can't support me as I truly need as they are right now. It's my time to cut all the shackles that is tying me down so I can spread my wings and fly, truly.

It's time for me to step into my power for real and start doing what I love, right now. Not waiting for the perfect moments to find me. Not hoping that things will change, not hoping that maybe my family will understand or that everyone will approve of me and my actions. I will never live the life I want with that mindset, and it surely won't create itself if I'm holding myself back from what I know I can manifest in this world.

I'm ready for the paradigm shift, I'm ready to start putting out there what I want so that the universe can see me and my desires and set me square on course for it.

I'm ready now, I'm determined, I'm taking control.

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Vision 87: Undo

It's been so many moons since I gave myself the time, effort and self-love to come back to this blog, despite my current situation. 

So much has happened since my last blog post, I'm like a different person, yet, when I go through these pages I struggle to keep my playful attitude in life. 

I am different, I know a lot more about myself since I left my family and I surely don't regret any of my choices so far, but I'm frustrated with life and I'm frustrated with myself. I just want things to work, I just want things to happen right now. I want my own space now, I want to draw on the computer now, I want to listen to my music and play video games for countless hours now. I'm missing all the things that kept me sane in life and I'm trying to substitute the best that I can, but I would be lying to myself if I said that those things were just as good. 

I'm missing myself as a person and just what is normal for me, my own self-care, just the simple things like drinking tea and listening to music into the night.

I'm running to one group to another, digging up the past like I'm trying to bury a secret. Holding on to hope as tight as I can and trying to lean on my own faith is draining. I'm tired and I just want to go home, dying and death is becoming too much of a preoccupation for my mind in the last day or two. Even though it would make me happy to not be apart of this planet and to never deal with the things I'm dealing with now ever again, I so want to break open this tight veil, whatever it is that is blocking me from enjoying life. I'm fucking angry, I'm fucking pissed.

I'm pissed that I have a shitty family with really shitty values, traits and additions, I'm angry that I have to trade my "support" for my own dignity and self-respect, and I'm angry that things aren't working the way I want them to work out. It feels like no matter how much I try to tiptoe around my family, trying to make everyone happy, I still get shit. No one fucking hears me and is too wrapped up in their own shit and addictions to recognise the bullshit they are dishing out.

I'm tired of thinking about them everywhere I go and reminding myself of who I used to be than who I am becoming. I'm even tired of all the new groups I've been entering. I don't want to be another label and apart of another group that is yet misunderstood and is a minority in the earth's populace. I'm tired of being that, a person that isn't apart of anything and doesn't want to claim what is already out there. I'm tired of standing back from life because everything I see is something I don't want to be apart of but I'm too afraid to break out on my own and blaze my own trail. 

I'm tired of all the setbacks, the walls and obstacles I keep climbing, hoping that one day the world will open up to me. That shit is never going to happen and I'm tired of not doing anything to challenge the life I'm leaving now. 

Undo

Undo

If you're bleeding

Undo

And if you're sweating

Undo

If you're crying, darling

Undo

Undo

Oh I

Unravel

-

Ending lyrics to Undo by Bjork

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Vision 86: How I feel About Art

I came to my attention that, the more art I see, the more I see it as a logical, left brained, and polished thing.


I don't know what it is, but when I was browsing on DA, a lot of the art I saw, I couldn't help but feel suffocated, and just "meh." It's not that it's not drawn well, or anything like that, but it's becoming more of who is the best, what is popular, and this analytical way of being an artist.


I think the more I try to get into art like I was "years ago" the more I don't like it. The constant need to have a polished picture, things being drawn the right way, skimming through art sites to see what is popular. Art, the way I use to be into it, isn't fun anymore, it's a chore, and I feel that I'm trying to climb back into the artist's rat race.


I don't want to be in that box anymore, I don't want this overhead feeling that being an artist has this one path to it that everyone must follow. It's not good enough for me. I need freedom, I need something different, I need ideas, theories, stories, flowing creativity. Not this canned bullshit that everything seems to have a version of these days. Where everything is marketed to the general public.


I'm not the general public, no one really is, but watering down art into it's basic parts of just a pretty picture is making me sick. I want something real, some ideas on paper, imagination, creative energy, something homegrown and messy. Art shouldn't be this ideal of perfection because nothing is.


I just want something fun and loose. Something I can control and morph, none of this "it has to be this way shit." That is what I find the most annoying, that art has to be "this way." I hate it when things are properly placed, I like it when things are mixed up, tossed around but in a way that make sense and births something new.


Even with that said, I still have to look at myself, I might not like what is going on on the outside but at the end of the day, it's a reflection of what's going on inside me. What the hell am I holding on to that is making me feel that my own art has to be a certain way. What are the rules that I'm constantly rebelling that I need to let go of. What is it in my own artistic journey that I can't stand and disgusted of?


If I would be honest with myself, it would be everything. Not that I hate what I'm doing but how I'm doing it and the mindset behind it. I don't like it when I want to draw something just because it's what people like. I don't like it when I try to be perfect and make perfect pictures. I don't like it when I aim to be a certain way and having to stay that way. I don't like it when I'm not drawing and creating my own characters and stories. I don't like it when I'm looking at other's art way too much for ideas and not looking at my own. I don't like it when I think being an artist has to be a career and that career has to be done a certain way.

But I will find my way out of this and have my artistic self reborn for good.

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Vision 85: Forgiveness

 

Yesterday was pretty amazing, I chose to finally make peace with my own sense of low worth, guilt and shame. It felt good to finally put the past in its place and not make it such an important part of my life today, as if I had to atone for all the wrongs I did.

The most interesting part was the burning process. After writing out exactly how I felt, the situation I felt guilty of, the reasons behind it and my intent, the words burned to a crisp in mere seconds. I barely had to touch the ashes for it to all burn away. The fire was quick to do my dirty work and smoke was everywhere which was very strange. I felt the smoke were the emotions I was harboring for years finally being released from my being. Even before setting the paper on fire, I felt lighter. It’s like I didn’t have to hide, lie or try to keep anymore secrets, it was all laid out and it is what it is. No more bullshit.

What felt the best is the fact that I did lay out everything that I was feeling for so long, for many years. I finally came clean to myself about who I was, what I was doing and who I needed to be. I finally stop hiding from who I really am and the person I really wanted to be by being completely honest. Seeing how I was making it my whole life’s purpose to change my family into people they didn’t want to be or made the decision to was my own down fall, even with everything else in play.

The point is that I don’t feel like I have to hide anymore, that I have to beat around the brush with people about my situation. I’m free to make my own decisions and judgments without the past always creeping behind me in them.

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Vision 84: The Wounded Inner Child

Over the last few months or even a year, I’ve been transitioning from one style of living to its opposite.

Before I took on this healing journey to really find myself via changing my life style, all I wanted to do is work hard, get the popularity and status I wanted and live the life that most of us in this society would want. But as time went on and I embraced myself in a really deep way, I learned all that was just a mask to cover my perceived weakness. I didn’t feel I was ever enough, so I wanted to prove to the world that I was.

Doing that intense Crystal Code reading for myself was probably the best thing I could of done. It stripped me from the pain and mask of always being strong in the face of adversity and showed who I really was, just a child that is so incredible loving yet stunted by the world. From the reading I could tell I put on a lot of masks just to get through the day even If I wasn’t interacting with other people. I want to believe I can get through anything and can do everything, but my core desires isn’t about archiving the biggest goal, to collect a house, a man, a career or a big income and show it to others as a sign of my power. What I really want to do is help and love people. I want to believe that anyone can be good and trust worthy and that world peace is possible.

But I’ve gone very far in my thinking since I was young, I know that deep inside I truly feel that way, but I don’t live life in that fashion. My past and all the hurts that it contained made me very suspicious and untrusting, and although I know I’ve been more trusting than ever, true trust is very hard to come by. I didn’t realize how much mistrust I truly had towards the world till I done that reading. The ultimate trust between child and parent was broken before I even knew it, or could put words to, so that in turn made me feel that I can only rely on myself, emotionally especially.

Growing up with two kinds of nurturing from both parents missing I see how that effects my “adult” life. I needed a lot of nurturing growing up, I was incredibly sensitive and even aware… I had no idea that other people were so different from me growing up. I was so willing to help others even though I was terribly shy so it was hard to understand why I always got picked on and bullied. Growing up with that, it seemed like the message I got was I wasn’t  good enough, and not just the typical saying of not being enough, as if you could change a certain habit and have your stuff together. I felt that I wasn’t who I was supposed to be, as if I couldn’t be “all of me” I had to be someone different. I had to care about different things, be stronger, not be as nice and all these different aspects that felt like a complete insult to my existence.

It’s really no wonder I grew up following my dysfunctional family and the standards that surrounded today’s society but found myself lost at sea about who I REALLY was, and if that person can get the life that would fit him. Because it felt as if the type of world I lived in wasn’t created for a person like me, I didn’t fit in the credentials that made success possible in life.

There wasn’t a lot of people that truly understood me, so I had to put on a mask to make that connection if it was even possible. It has its highs and lows but at the end of the day it wasn’t truly authentic.

I still feel that I’m trying to embrace this incredibly wounded inner child of mine because time has frozen in his emotional growth, but what do I expect when the most vital emotional needs from my childhood and teenage hood ( and even today) was missing and I had to rely on myself? You grow up strange, you look normal but something is always missing or isn’t right.

You look like all the other flowers but your stem is curved differently or you have off colored spots on your peddles. You try to cover this up with feeling strong and able but it’s more like an act to keep yourself from breaking down and truly feeling who you really are in front of a world that wants you to be someone else.

At the end of the day, learning about this deep hurt, this true person inside gives me the strength and wisdom to embrace him as I always needed from others. As well to see the truth of why I hold career, status, and popularity to such high regards.

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Vision 83: What Are Crystal Familars?

Who is Your Crystal Familiar?

In the last couple of months, I had noticed a closer connection to my crystal, Sunny, my Herkimer Diamond. From the moment I took him out of the box, I felt his incredible power and he showed me some powerful past life information that changed my life forever. After working with this crystal so closely I knew that this wasn’t just a normal crystal but more of a familiar, a crystal that is like a guide and reflects who I am from the core of my soul.

I was so excited about this new found relationship that I’ve developed with the crystal I wanted to speak about it in a video so that others like me can find their own crystal familiar and learn about who they are in a much deeper way. I talk about all the aspects of having and finding your crystal familiar in this two part video.

I hope this helps you find your own guide and soul in crystal form, good luck!

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Vision 82: Breaking Point

Last night was a wash, an alcoholic wash when I saw the decline of my family’s temper with each shot of vodka.

I don’t get it, all this… It feels like there is no point to it all if all my days are dominated by people that lack the intelligence to make better choices for themselves. It was supposed to be a great Valentine's night but once I saw that bottle of vodka I should of known how things were going to go.

I’m getting really tired of feeling responsible for things that has nothing to do with me. I’m sick of feeling bad over things I felt I should of done but decided to listen to my intuition instead. I’m sick of my mom relaying on me to save her own house that she decided to buy on her own.

I’m getting tired of everything and I keep thinking I should be better at this, at handling my emotions and not feeling bad anymore knowing that I don’t need to blame myself anymore. But it’s tough, it’s really, really tough.

I don’t have the answer to any of this, and I don’t care to have the perfect answer or explanation to why things are the way they are, why I still choose to be here when it takes away so much of my vital energy. I don’t know why I work so hard to move past my dysfunctional upbringing  while I’m living in it.

I feel like I should throw everything away and start anew. It’s like a can’t wait to rid myself of this cancer I call “life” and all the components that constantly sucks me dry. I know the universe wants me to be patient but that is running out fast and I feel closer and closer to just announcing my leave, send my most valuable items to a friends and going to a homeless shelter. I just don’t want to hold myself back anymore because I love my family and want to see them well.

Holding myself back isn’t worth the bull shit I have to deal with time and time again, and quite frankly, no amount of my love can shift their dysfunctional habits, how they feel, the life that made them who they are or make them see what I see in them. I have to see and decide that it’s an impossible game that I’ll never win. The sooner my heart realizes this the faster I can make progress of actually detaching and moving out, to anywhere, I’m not even sure.

Love is an insane thing and I don’t know why I have so much of it inside myself. I wouldn’t say it never gave me what I wanted from other people but I will say it kept me from loving myself over other people. To be completely selfish and let people fall as they might need to. But no, I think love is just sacrificing your all for another person, that isn’t love, at least the healthy kind.

I don’t know. I don’t have the right answers or words to make any of this “make sense.” I’m just where I am feeling the way I am.

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