I have no idea what to say. This is just one of those posts that I’m completely unsure about. It hasn’t been long since I learned about this, but this is probably one of the most important things that I’ve learned about myself in many years.
I am
agender, meaning that I identify myself as having no gender, even though I am biology female. It’s strange to say it out loud or in a way that I’m actually looking or listening to myself say this. This isn’t something that I knew about for years and just didn’t say anything about it, it was rather hidden or “covered” in me identifying myself as
female.
For a long time I felt very uncomfortable around really feminine energy or being around a lot girls. I always found girls to be more catty and prone to pettiness in my years so I naturally gravitated to having a lot of boys as friends. I didn’t know it in my childhood but when I got older it made a lot more sense. Even in childhood I was more of a tomboy and wasn’t the typical girly girl. I loved video games and even remembered having a lot of boyish toys, though I remember liking girl things too, it was a mixed bag but I always had a more masculine curve in life.
When I got into my teens and puberty started, oh god, I
hated it. Growing a well-endowed chest in middle school wasn’t fun for me. It felt like an alarm bell for everyone (especially boys) to look at me. Needless to say I was very self-conscious about my body and wore baggy clothes to hide my shape. Hmm, talking about how my body developed gave me insight that I didn’t see before.
Before puberty started I felt a lot more free to do what I please, I wasn’t bounded to gender roles or standards, at least I didn’t see it or felt it strongly. However, once I started to become a “women” a certain standard and expectation started to take shape around my life. Where my female peers wanted to show off their bodies, wanted boyfriends, and went out to party, I fought against it. I didn’t want to grow up, I didn’t want to care about those things, I honestly didn’t have any interest or even a real concept of those subjects. I just wanted to stay a child and not be attached to adult constraints or just activities I had no interest in.
I remember around the time my own friends started to branch off into the wonders of teenagehood, I was still making friends with the younger kids in my neighborhood. I felt a lot more comfortable with them because they were interested in the same things I was interested in. There was no talk about boyfriends, fashion, school gossip or anything I felt was daunting to think about. We still used our imagination to play and relayed on rather simple things to have a good time. I honestly miss that part of my life now thinking about it.
Anyway, now that my body labeled me as a certain gender, I felt like life and society expected me to be a certain way. Like having a boyfriend, someday having children, having a career and just living a typical life as a female. I didn’t see it then but I was trapped in my own gender, where beyond that point was completely blind to me because I was raised to see and expect my life to go a certain way.
Since knowing that I am in fact agender, I don’t see my life as I used to. In fact, the path and destination of my life took a dramatic turn and I felt that as soon as I realized that truth about myself.
In my twin flame journey I thought that I was meant to be more girly and feminine. In fact, I thought that my disconnection to my femininity was a result of me fearing my sexuality and female nature. I thought I needed to be healed and fixed, so I strived to do just that. I drove into the world of the divine feminine even though I felt very uneasy about it, especially when the topic was about female sexuality. Even though I was asexual and knew my stance about sex, I decided it was a chance for me to find power in my sexuality (without having sex) as a women anyway.
In about a year since I went in circles trying to find my niche in my business and in life after thinking that embracing my womanhood was the answer to all my problems. Even though I enjoyed the girl power and the collective support women had for each other, I never did found my true niche, for some reason once I stated to settle in a niche, I would have the instinct to leave it.
While trying to embrace the divine feminine in life and in business I thought I needed to finally grow up. I thought that I needed to start embracing adulthood and finally start making real changes in my life. I thought that my lack of interest in adult things was the reason my life was more of a struggle than ever. I thought I was running away from everything from a fate I couldn’t really escape. It was time for me to stop trying to be an eternal princess and start being a queen over my life. I also tried to face my fears with my own sexuality only to find out that my fear was just pressure from what other women were doing to find themselves.
Even though I was doing all that I can to fit myself in a box another has set up for me, life didn’t get easier. In fact, it just felt like more obstacles was getting in my way, though I didn’t see it then. I thought I was fixing and getting my life together but in reality I was pushing against my own genderless nature by becoming more feminine. I did everything I could to embrace what it meant to be a beautiful and powerful “
goddess,” a word that I despise applying to myself now.
It was when I was urged to get a reading I found out that I had strong male and female energies by a tarot reader. That is when things started to click into place. She told me things that I didn’t see completely, especially how I come off to other people, especially in the matters of affection.
It started to ring in my mind that, the way I was wasn’t because I was broken, but because I had both strong feminine and masculine energies within me, something that I never considered. I always resonated more with solar masculine energy though there was no doubt that I had my little princess side too.
This made me dive into that part of the reading and eventually when I brought my Herkimer Diamond crystal, it took me to a past life where I was a warrior with really strong masculine energy. So strong that it still affects me to this very day. I am as one with it as I was in the past. When I dived deeper, into the connection between my present and past life, it was clear that I was truly genderless.
This broke open so much that I didn’t understand and soon a lot of things in my life started to make a whole lot of sense. The best feeling of all however was that I was fully accepting of my genderless self, it felt good to be this way because I knew this was who I really am.
Since then, I’ve been bouncing around trying to figure some things out, especially how I want to label myself and how others will see me when I explain to them about being agender. I know however that this IS the person I am supposed to be and that my disconnection to femininity wasn’t because I was broken but I don’t relate with gender roles as a whole.
This in turn changed my whole life in a way I thought I would never see it. I’m free to make my own choices as I see fit and not because I have breasts and a vagina, or that I lack them. I make decisions based on what I feel inside and nothing else; I finally reclaimed my real power as a spirit living the human experience. Not just a human living the human experience.
