Vision 50: Losing Focus

The last week has been a bit emotionally draining. So many different things have been happening that my focus wasn’t where I wanted it to be.

I started to be consumed with the idea that my blog and drawing was my work. That feeling of wanting to work myself more and work harder started to come back too. This is a huge no-no because that was the very thing that lead me to my demise in the first place. If I want to live in a really crappy way and mind set then trying to work hard and not take breaks is the way to do it.

I just feel like my passions in life should be something I can make money with. Which is another sign that I’m not focused on the right things. The money will come and I’m working on that relationship but trying to make it come to me lets me know I’m not trusting the universe. I’m still trying to make it happen.

Another thing I’m noticing is the trust, I feel that I need to save everything and I’m worried if there will be enough food, money or anything for everyone. A HUGE sign that I’m focusing on lack and trying to control it all instead of focusing on prosperity and my trust with it. I haven’t been thinking as positive as much as I would like, because my focus and the way I’m thinking isn’t focused on enough. Old feelings are starting to come back that wasn’t there, I’m thinking more on the negative side of things and I’m even catching myself watching sad themed shows. That was a bit of an eye opener.

Maybe it’s the fact that I want to take my art fulltime that my mind is instantly thinking I’m going to be broke and poor for the rest of my life. Maybe I should do my morning routine even on the weekends to prep my brain for the positive. Or even it’s because of summer, the season I hate the most, that is giving me more feelings of anxiety than any other season.

I think it’s because I’m not sticking to what I really want to do. I’m thinking that I need to have the to-do list finished and have this super organized life where everything is perfect. Perfection is my worst enemy because it always says that nothing is good enough and I should somehow strive for more.

Striving for more only leads to constant mini melt downs and a distrust of self, it’s super unrealistic. Also, being more self-conscious of the things I’m doing and worrying about what people think is also not the best way to live because now I’m constantly editing myself and what I’m doing. I’m not focused on what I want and doing just that and trusting. I’m getting in the bad habits of trying to control everything, which for many years never helped me, yet I’m compelled to do it anyway, it’s like my default way of being.

I have to let go and let the universe take care of me. I have to stop being in my head and start listening to my heart, TRUST the universe and follow it’s directives. I never lead me to a bad place and this time is no different, I’m just too focused on useless things for me to really tune into it and follow it.

Even though I’m doing new things, my feelings about life can’t revert back because it was my love for life, talents and activities that made them so fun, not the trying to make money and have a perfect life.

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Vision 49: Self Love ATC Process

I was inspired by the universe to make another ATC, this time on self-love. When I started to add self-love to my morning practice things started to shift very quickly in all areas. I even found money on the ground the first day I did it! That event alone was a wakeup call, a wakeup call that I needed for a very long time.

Self-love is the most important thing on this planet, it’s important because without that love of self you’ll always settle for less and life will treat you as such. I know I have settled for less for many years and thought that loving myself was working to the bone to achieve my goals. But I learned that is the opposite of self-love as well as other things I thought I was doing in the name of self-love.

What I learned the most however is that self-love requires nothing. You don’t need money, a lover, a best friend, a job, a house, makeup, shoes or your life to be “together” and perfect. In fact the best place to start loving yourself is where you fail the most at, because self-love is unconditional. The most unconditional love you’ll ever receive here on earth. I truly started to feel that love for myself once I remembered all the stupid shit I did in my life and chose to love myself anyway… That is true self-love…

I got started on this tonight with the urge to draw traditionally vs. on the computer. As much as I love drawing on the computer, it stresses my eyes out too much. That and the feeling of putting the pens and colored pencils on paper is the feeling of coming home, something I wanted to do again for years.

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Vision 48: The Angel of The Inner Child Finished!

My first angel artist trading card is finally finished. I actually finished it about a month or so ago but I procrastinated actually posting it up.

 

I notice that as much as I love drawing and creating, I’ve been procrastinating on drawing full time again. It honestly scares me to dive deep into something that I love so much. I don’t want to fail or have something bad happen on my way to wherever my dreams are with my art.

I love art so much that I would rather sit around and let it die than risk the hurt of doing it and falling on my face again. If art was my lover, I would be the type of boy that would never commit to the one guy that actually wanted me. I would self-sabotage the relationship early because I would be too afraid to dive deep into its love and fail the expectations I have on myself and my lover.

I don’t want to hurt myself or my art again, as strange as it sounds. Art means everything to me and when you really love someone or something  you do some crazy shit to protect it, even if it hurts you at the end.

Talking about these feelings, I know that there is nothing to be truly afraid of. I shouldn’t draw for a certain outcome but for the fact I can draw at all. Joe told me that and it really meant something to me. I attach so much stuff onto the things I love to make them more “meaningful” that I end up suffocating the passion I have for it altogether and I’m sick of doing that. I just want to enjoy my skills and art again, no matter if I make money from it one day or not, whether people like it or not or whatever end result I’m looking at. That’s not the point to why I draw.

I draw because it’s fun, I draw because it’s comforting, I draw because I love it, I draw because I enjoy it, I draw because it’s my soul's passion in life; so why should I let money or anything else get in the way of that?

I shouldn’t and I’m changing it right now…

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Vision 47: The Caterpillar

As I laid down on my back and stared into the starry black sky of my popcorn ceiling I unloaded my feelings about myself to the universe.

The person I am becoming, the person that I am, and the person I was… Who is that person, who am I really?

Ever since I discovered  myself being agender and not resonating or identifying as a female, things have changed… In fact a lot has changed. Changed in ways I never thought possible, but gave me incredible freedom that I probably would of never found if not for this huge personal discovery.

The person that I was is like the caterpillar: meek, small, soft spoken, shy and kept to herself. The person that I was will always and forever be a brilliant person, I often saw and felt the power of my own vitality but somewhere along the line I kept it under wraps. I didn’t want to stir up trouble, I didn’t want to bother with trying to convince others about my own power, I often found it easier to just stay in the background than risk it all putting myself out there. Admittedly, I felt like a coward in my life but that sounds a bit too harsh because no one is perfect.

However, I did wish I had the courage to do the things that I wanted to do. To simply respond to another person’s comment on the street, to dance in front of others when the street bands were playing, to just simply be who I felt inside in front of others. Not feel the need to guard myself at every chance I got because I was afraid of the outcome. That I would be embarrassed, shamed, teased or otherwise. I wanted to not care, I wanted to leave that old self behind but once I convinced myself enough and the opportunity came, more than likely I shrunk back into the shadow of my authentic self.

Strangely enough, identifying as agender and accepting my dominate masculine energy gave me permission to be the person I always wanted to be. To not be afraid of people, to put myself out there, to have more fun and to be even more spontaneous. Maybe it’s just me but I never felt so open and myself before.  It’s as if that person was hidden all this time, I felt him clearly but somehow he was still sleeping waiting to be reawaken at the right time.

Sometimes I think about why now and not 6 months or even 6 years ago, but the world has an odd way of working out. And to be honest, this time would be the best if any simply due to the fact I’m finding myself and my personal power like I never had before.

What if he woke up before his time? Would I be even more confused, would I be around the people that accepts me as that person as easily as my friends and family do now? Would I even have the resources and knowledge that I have now to support the transition between the women that I thought I was to the being I know I am. Would my chosen purpose would be as clear back then as it is in this moment.

Honestly, I don’t think so…

Like all things in life, as random and chaotic as it all seems we’re all due for order, and when the right things meet in the middle magic happens because the timing couldn’t have been better. I surely couldn’t of micromanage this “becoming” of who I really am and what is in store for me.

But now my work is to get to know this person, to love this person and to support this person like I never did in my past. Though I loved the person that I was , the person that I am now is the person I’m supposed to be at this very moment.

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Vision 46: Money Love List #54

 

It's been a super long time since I posted any of my Love Lists (thus why the number shot up lol) and I find posting my love lists really fun, so here is the one I just did recently!

1. Thank you for the money that I currently have, it’s more than enough
2. I enjoy thinking about money in my hands
3. I love feeling the freedom of having more than enough money
4. I enjoy living abundantly
5. There is so much money around me to be found
6. I’m grateful for all the experiences I can afford with my money
7. I enjoy shopping with ease with my money
8. I love saving money on my shopping trips
9. People give me money all the time and I love it
10. I enjoy my life being supported by my money

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Vision 45: When You Find It

When you find that thing that you were meant to do, it always feel so right and true. So many years I’ve been searching for my “thing” but it was right here since the day I was born, my artistic ability and my desire to express myself.

I looked long and hard outside myself because I felt my talents wasn’t  enough, I needed validation from others, money or some sort of result to prove to me that “this was my purpose.” That my purpose is what the world needed from me to be a better place. I see now that purpose isn’t the result of doing something that you love or are called to do, but simply being and doing what you love to do because it gives you joy.

No strings attached, no gaining some type of outcome, not making it a popularity contest, just simply doing what you were meant to do, something that you love to do, something that fills you up and nurtures you in your body and in your soul.

Purpose isn’t what we’ve been told a thousand times from books, movies and gurus, it’s simply doing what you were always drawn to and it doesn’t need the outside standards to be real or purposeful. You don’t even need to live a “happy life,” you simply need to love what you do, do it because you love it, and never stop doing it.

I stopped drawing for many reasons but I didn’t give up on it, I kept drawing and creating even if it meant taking on a whole new different medium. I kept creating during the search for my thing not knowing I was doing it all this time.

Even though I pride myself on my spiritual and psychic skills, I always considered myself an artist first before anything. That is what I always knew and did, it came naturally and I never remembered a time where I didn’t create in some form… It’s just strange (and ironic) how bad I wanted to know who I was, what I was meant to do and why I came to this world, and while I searched long and hard for it, it was the thing I did most.

 Create and express myself…

I thought that my purpose, or purpose in general, was supposed to be laced with a business plan with lots of people being helped and benefiting from your talents. I thought it was supposed to be the thing that people came to you for the most. I thought that purpose was so much more than it really is and my twisted understanding hid the truth that my soul already knew… It’s crazy.

Purpose isn’t a big thing, in fact it’s the most basic thing in life like breathing and eating; we just label it as a big thing because we’re taught that it has to be big. It’s simply doing what you love because you love it, whatever else comes after that is extra. Don’t let the results or lack thereof influence what you’re chosen path in life is, because you do get the choose after all.

So don’t search for it, don’t demand for it, don’t ask god or the universe to gift you with it because you’re probably doing it right now but are too consumed with the “need” of it to see it clearly.

Purpose isn’t “purpose,” it’s simply doing what you love and enjoy with no strings attached and letting the world go by as you’re doing it.

Purpose is simple, purpose is love, purpose is unconditional but it’s not what most of us think it’s supposed to be. Just do what you love and never stop doing it and you’ll be living your purpose perfectly…

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Vision 44: Life Purpose?

Lately, I’ve been feeling confused about what my purpose is, or more specifically, what I should be doing with it.

For the last few years I’ve been chasing this goal of having my own business in the intuitive arts. I’ve been doing oracle cards in those years but I wanted to do more with my talents than just the cards. When I finally had the courage to change my readings into something I was more passionate about, I felt that god damn forsaken feeling of letting it go again…

Once I settle into something for a short few months the universe suddenly wants me to jump ship and find something else to do. I’m really getting tired of the games, the chasing and the dreams of having some stability and security in something that I think could be my purpose.

It’s making me think that this huge topic of purpose is just something humans hang onto for the sake of direction in their lives, to feel like a bigger force is guiding them when in fact there is no such thing (as far as purpose is concerned) and we’re simply too complex to be truly free of will. Sounds a bit cynical and in this moment I am being quite cynical but when you’ve been chasing down, trying to find and live your purpose for about 10 years you stop taking it seriously.

I’m questioning it because for as long as I ever known it to be a life purpose and my passion to find and live mine, the universe, energies or whatever you want to call it always shifts it into something else. For many years I thought I found my purpose only to find it’s just a passing phrase or it's simply wasn’t it. Maybe I got a little piece of knowledge from said "purpose" but it’s not something I want to do anymore.

I don’t know what the fuck my purpose is, or at least how it’s supposed to look like or what the fuck I should do with it. And the fact I still want this outside force to suddenly gift me with “purpose” pisses me off even more. Why should I wait or even assume that it has to come in that type of package, what right does anyone or entity have to tell me that “this” is what I need to do.

All I want to do is be happy, secure and safe. I want to pick one thing and do that for a really long time. Sounds so fucking simple but once I’m a good distance into it, just enough to feel like “maybe this is what I’m meant to do” something changes. Either my passion dies out, my taste for what I’m doing goes elsewhere or I find something else that I think is my “real” purpose (thus the cycles repeats again). It just never lasts and at this point I’m tired of trying to “find” purpose in life when I’m already here living in the world.

I’m starting not to care about helping others (as a career) or finding some type of way to make the world a better place (we’re not here to fix a broken world anyway). A lot of it stems from this social belief that you have to be useful to others or to the world to be valued and at this point I’m trying to shift those beliefs because I don’t want my happiness to be dependent on  others. I’m sure the world will manage anyway…

I’m just extremely frustrated over the one topic that’s been thrown in my face time and time again. And seeing other people living what they feel like is their purpose, living happily and just to me having it all makes me feel like I’m doing something wrong.

Why don’t I have a “thing,” why do I know my purpose but somehow it never shapes itself into something that lasts? Why do I even care, why is purpose so important? Is having and living through purpose an instinctual human thing or something constructed as we evolved to feel more useful (or otherwise)?

I don’t know, I don’t get it and I don’t know where I stand in it at this point…

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