Vision 69: Big Hero Six

Last week I saw the movie Big Hero Six and I freak’n adored that movie so much along with Hiro and Baymax. I feel the movie gave me a really important gift of artistic inspiration, fun and a huge boost of imagination. Ever since I saw the movie I couldn’t really stop thinking about it. The setting was a unique blend of San Fran and Tokyo, I love Hiro’s friends and the relationship that Hiro had with Baymax.

There is something about relationships involving humans and robots that I can’t get enough of. Maybe it’s because robots don’t have emotions yet, this unspoken affection can still be felt. Or something that supposed to be cold and monotone is lovable, approachable and even funny. Maybe I just like movies, shows or whatever about a being, robot or not, learning about the real world. I can even go as far as to say I somewhat identify with it because often times I still feel like I’m trying to figure the world (and more so my society) out sometimes.

Either way, it really gave me that gentle boost to pick up the pencil (mostly tablet pen) and start drawing how I was feeling inside my head. It felt so natural I was starting to think that maybe I won’t backslide on my drawing anymore, that maybe this is the one fandom or muse that will bring me to where I was as far as drawing habits.

I think it is and I’m feeling really good about it (for the first time ever I’m looking up headcannons for a movie). I even drew Hiro (he’s so damn cute) yesterday and I’m really proud of what I made. It’s simple, was fun to do and I didn’t struggle a whole lot. It was to me how drawing is supposed to be, fun and lighthearted because if it’s not fun then we shouldn’t be doing it.

I even felt content, happy and in the present enjoying myself doing two things I really love, drawing and listening to music. It was the feeling place and experience I needed to let me know how I want most of my life to go. The feeling I want to have most of all.

And it felt really good…

This is what I have so far in my Hiro picture

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Vision 68: Resentment

We often think by being spiritual we have to have an “enlightened” outlook on everything. That we must show the world love and peace at every moment. That when things get tough, we must show resilience and faith no matter what.

When it comes to my family, my thoughts isn’t exactly that. I’m fearful a lot, paranoid, nervous, anxious and stubbornly unloving. I noticed that in my countless attempts to “love” my family in their drunken state, I end up in the world of feeling guilty and like a bad person. I feel like a bad person because of this unspoken rule that spiritual people must take higher ground and pretend that the world around them isn’t as hurtful or painful to them as the average person. Of course right? I’m spiritual, so that means this “earthy” stuff doesn’t matter and I can just simply love and light my way out of everything and not feel bad.

That is so far from the truth it’s not even funny…

This is a myth, a fantasy even to any person that wants to find everlasting peace. To be in peace and have nothing disturb that no matter what. But the truth is that I’m hurting… A lot in fact, and by trying to “love” what my family continues to do that causes me seemingly endless pain is making me feel crazy.

Crazy in the sense that I am hurting, feel unheard in it and somehow I have to pretend like it doesn’t exist. Because I have to be strong and whatever, yet I feel a whole different kind of pain from that too. That feeling angry, resentful, pissed the fuck off and hateful is wrong and “inappropriate” for a person like me, because I am so loving and “spiritual.” I tell myself a lot that being spiritual has nothing do with how I feel, but what I believe in and my view of the world, but I’m not walking that talk.

I beat up on myself a lot just for feeling anger and resentment, but that does nothing to change anything especially in myself.

So I decided to just hate, be resentful and simply not love them in their drunken state (or whenever they are being assholes). Trying to love my way out of this causes me more pain because I’m ignoring my own REAL AND TRUE emotions. I don’t feel heard when I feel pressured to do just “love” my way out of a situation or my feelings. It’s unrealistic and even harmful…

I simply can’t love them the way they act sometimes, that’s as honest as it gets. I love them when they’re sober and I hate them when they’re drunk, and that feels way better than pretending that I’m not dying inside every other day when I have to deal with it.

Sometimes the best way to get through a bad situation is to just to get through it, because let’s face it, trying to go around the mountain might take a lot longer than just facing it head on and being done with it. Not to say that struggle should be the road we take always (quite the opposite) but it’s easier to be honest with yourself. Feeling the way I feel, validating my emotions by accepting them, letting them process and leave on their own as opposed to stuffing them down or throwing rosy bullshit on top of them feels good to me.

This by no means that I’ll someday love my family when they're drunk even after these feelings are gone, but it does gives me the freedom to not be held back by them (my emotions) because of my family’s shitty choices for themselves.

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Vision 67: The Top Three Fears a Lightworker Must Face to Change The World

I am what you call a lightworker, and to me, a lightworker is simply a person that has an innate passion and purpose to make a better, thriving planet.

From my teen years in high school, enmeshed in my spiritual and psychic arts, I often wondered about my purpose and “what was the point” of me being so passionate about learning it. Deep inside I knew there was something special I was meant to do, because it didn’t make sense for me to have this passion without it being a part of something bigger that I would use it for.

A few years later, when I discovered my channeling ability I asked my guide “What is my purpose?” It was the burning question I’ve been wanting to ask for many many years, however I wasn’t ready for the answer. My guide told me that my purpose was to change the world and even though it felt like my feelings were confirmed about having something special to do on this planet, fear fogged my vision on how to exactly do that.

It took me about 6 six years to not just deal with my fears about my life purpose but to accept this special task I know I chose to do before I got here on this planet.

So I want to talk about this for other lightworkers, game changers, misfits, non-conformists, healers or any person that might be dealing with the major fears that come with facing your special mission and purpose on this planet.

So let’s begin on the top three fears a lightworker must face before they can “truly” change the world!

Am I Qualified?

This is something that all people, lightworker or not face when it comes to doing something they are passionate about. More often than not, we DON’T feel qualified for our life purpose and to change the world. We hold such high visions on what life should be for us and the planet, it seems like a huge stretch to make it happen. It seems like we must do everything “right now” to get it all done, which is often stressful and nerve-wracking for sensitive people. Even more so, other people around you might not “get it” either which compounds the feelings of not being qualified, supported or being able to do it.

Being qualified has nothing to do with being able to do everything in this red hot minute, or to prove a point, but being able to step on your path despite feeling unqualified and knowing that the path will unfold underneath your feet along the way.

It's probable you'll have no idea what the road will look like. You don’t know the journey you’ll have to take, the people you will meet and the smaller tasks you will take on before you’ll reach your destination. But that is the point, your life purpose has nothing to do with reaching a certain point in your life, it’s happening now, right at this moment. So there is no need to over prepare or to feel “qualified” first before you go and change the planet for the better. Your power comes from the present moment, your life purpose is happening now and if you’re not doing it now, then it’s not unfolding now. You don’t have to have anyone’s permission, say so, or a piece of paper to start doing it, just do it and I promise you, you’ll be guided to everything you’ll need, right when you need it.

Being Powerful

This is a huge one, a fear that I know all lightworkers face at some point. I feared power because I thought it was abusive and immoral based on my past experiences. I didn’t want to hurt people so I didn’t want to be powerful, this caused me to always downplay myself and my talents for many years. The catch is that no one benefits from that thinking, I can’t make the difference I want to make if I don’t access the true power inside me to do it. Other people won’t be moved or as greatly effected either because I chose to give up my power. In fact, I’m more likely to attract “powerful” people that will take advantage and use me because of that subconscious belief which makes me feel weak and defeated as if I never had power to begin with.

However, I learned that true power isn’t physical or aggressive, it’s an energy and spirit that can be felt by words, intention, compassion and even a gentle touch or expression. It’s a knowing and convection that stands the test of time that no matter what, you stand for what you believe in. That type of energy moves mountains, an abusive power can only move one person.

Rejection and Loss

This comes with being powerful as well, being rejected by others, singled out, ridiculed, being envied or jealous of. We fear that if we’re “powerful” people won’t love us, we’ll be so strong that we’ll somehow push others away, as well as be the target for envious people to “steal our light.”

This is an all too common fear that is linked to scarcity thinking, as if we were to become more aligned to who we are then what we have will leave us. The long and short of it is that, yes, people are easily threaten by those that are more powerful, but on the other side of the coin there are so many others that just as easily will love you BECAUSE you are being authentic. And yes, things will change because you’re accessing your true strength, you just won’t live life the same way when you’re in tune with your personal power.

With that being said, you simply can’t expect to fully express your purpose, to heal others, be a brilliant way shower or effect people in a great way without tapping into your true power and grace. You just won’t have that effect because your strength will be the very thing that will move people to change, tears and to their own power and light.

Love is much more powerful than fear, when you’re healing the planet feeling and knowing love in your being, it’s easy, but if you have to push through fear it will be a bumpy and rough ride. Fear of any kind only weighs you down and limits your power as who you are.

To be powerful requires a decision to be powerful despite the risks. Just like you chose to not be powerful, it’s a choice that you make every day in every moment of time to be the core opposite.

Ending Thoughts

At the end of the day you do have a special purpose but it requires your love, power and strength to carry it out because you chose to do this and you knew that you had all the power in the world and then some to achieve it. So let’s stop playing pretend and entertaining other’s visions of who you should be, start working with the truth and deal with these fears so you can finally be who you are and change the world as you intended!

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Vision 66: Secret Princess

It’s been a lovely few days since getting my internet back, I’ve been feeling a lot better about myself and in my flow again. However, in my time of not having internet a lot of things from my past life have been coming up.

I’ve never considered myself a princess yet, in the last few weeks that very title have been coming into my awareness. What really added to this is when old past life memories in Kyoto came up out of nowhere, where I was a complete mess after watching a short program about the Aoi Matsuri festival. Kyoto, even though I always felt a resonance about the place, I never felt nowhere near as emotional as I’ve have been about it in the last month or two. Not only that, but I was drawn to the manga Gate 7 that took place in Kyoto where the main character too, was always drawn to the beautiful location.

I did a reading about this whole “princess” thing and it brought up a lot of fear. Fear of being noticed, being powerful, being rejected, seen as superior and better than others. I always had this push and pull energy with power, I heard that it was okay to be powerful yet, I was afraid of it because of what power does to people. People with “power” hurt others especially physically, I didn’t want to be like that so I didn’t want to be powerful. It make sense when I write it out to myself. Why would I choose power if I know so much about how it hurts people, how it hurt me time and time again? I’m not a bad person and I don’t want to be associated with anything that “bad people” are so of course I would push it away when it comes up.

But I realized during the reading, while I was talking about my feelings about the word power, it had nothing to do with physical power. It had nothing to do with “having the power” to hurt or put fear in others, it had nothing to do with not being your true self. Power and that energy is about your inner strength and conviction, it’s a spiritual power that has nothing to do about how much you can bench-press but how you affect others through your words, gentle touch and spirit. It’s like I never considered that other side of power before, but when I let myself open up enough, the wisdom came through. I had no reason to fear my own power anymore, though I still have deep rooted limited beliefs to work through.

Whenever the angels or spirit would tell me how powerful I am and how my purpose was special I would shrink in dread. “Please don’t tell me that! I just want to be normal, I don’t want a special purpose or be powerful. I don’t want to be better than other people” But the angels never suggested that, all they did was show me the truth. I am powerful, in a sense that I can change my life in a huge way, I can be myself and proud and affect people with that very power. I’ve seen it happen throughout my life yet I don’t want to take true “credit.” In fact, I feel uneasy that I have that great of effect on others.

Simply put, I learned that being a “princess,” having an important purpose, and being powerful isn’t about what I always assumed. It’s a much lighter, loving and embracing energy that I’m blessed to have and to have that power to gift people in many ways. My fears on power or sticking out was because it was founded on how other powerful, loving and good meaning people got ridiculed, teased, beaten and even killed for it.

No one wants that.

At the same time I have to let go of this fear because not accepting this in myself isn’t being who I really am, and being powerful doesn’t mean death, there are plenty of love and thankfulness that goes out to powerful people because they are who they are.

Life isn’t a competition, I don’t have to prove or convince anyone of anything and I surely don’t have to hide myself because of what other people might think of me. It’s easy to blame and hate people with power (good or bad) because they do a great deal of change, but it takes so much strength, energy and time to become one and create change yourself.

That is what separates people that change the world, and people that don’t. That decision to access their own power and not be held back by those that think they shouldn’t be who they are, or to stand up for what they believe in.

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Vision 65: What I Love About Myself

I’m Lovable

I love myself and loving more of who I am. People love me for me but even more so I’m learning to finally love myself. I love that I’m lovable and I love myself so much that I’m willing to do what it takes to make myself happy. I love that I’m loveable because it makes my life easier and I can do things for myself without feeling bad. I’m loveable because I’m sweet, kind and caring and people want to be around that. It’s something I want more out of myself, more kindness for myself from myself.

I’m loveable and that is what I love about me!

I’m Intuitive and Psychic

I love my psychic abilities because it’s something that I wanted since I was a very young girl; to just know things. Through a lot of trial and error and living my life through the lens of the intuitive world I got that and more.

I did something for myself that I really wanted and owned it, so much so that I forgot that this was a conscious choice to lead a psychic life more than I was blessed with fully opened gifts and learning how to deal with them. I love my intuitive self, I love how I can pick up on things, I love that I can know what it is that is really going on around me. I love that I can also help other people find their way through my gifts.

I love how dedicated I am to my own improvement and development of my abilities. I love that everyday I’m finding more ways to include my gifts in everyday life, even make a business out of my talents! It feels good to be me with these gifts and also to share them with others!

 I’m Have Big Dreams to be a Video Game Concept Art Director

I love that I knew my dreams since I was young. I knew that I wanted to be a video game designer and I’m even more thrilled that my dream got even more specific! I love drawing and I love video games. I love storytelling and I want to be a big part of the video game development process. I want to help create the worlds that the story will be setting in, and help the character build his own adventure through my worlds.

I love telling a great story and I love knowing that I can create worlds through my own artistic talents. What I love about me knowing my dreams is that I know who I really am. I love knowing me as that person with big dreams and is willing to omit everything that isn’t serving me to reach that place. I also love being able to create what I want in the present time instead of waiting for that magical moment to happen!

I’m Creative and Whimsical

What I love about myself is that I’m very whimsical, I don’t think like most people. I love that about myself because it gives me that extra edge that most people like to reach for, yet it comes naturally to me. I love being a part of the cutting edge even though it can be scary and uncertain.

I love knowing that my ideas, dreams, and what I think about the world is truly meaningful and changes my life for the better. I love that I can take these ideas and make them real, I love that I have the power and know how to do it easily. I’m so connected and tapped into the source of all things that it’s sometimes scary how things come about in my life. But I wouldn’t change it for anything in the world because that is who I am. I love creating the new, the cutting edge, the different and exciting!

I love my love for the whimsical, different and creative the forces I’m made of!  

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Vision 64: I Was Meant to be Different

I was meant for newness and adventure, to create what was never been before. I thought that I wanted to create what was already here but in a more harmonious way, but I was wrong. What I really want and desire in my soul is to experience new things.

I realized that when I was guided to listen to my life purpose session. When George and I was talking about the themes that all of my enjoyable memories and experiences were, it was all about imagination, creation and new worlds. That is when I knew, something inside just knew that what I was chasing before wasn’t what I really wanted. What I really want is the newness of life and the journeys I desire is to have as many new experiences as possible.

It also explains why I couldn’t get my drawing life back into place because I was trying to do the same thing as what was currently popular. As much as I like it, it’s not the subjects I want to draw, I want to create what I really want but was afraid to for a long time.

This realization of creating and experiencing new ways of being made my life even more simpler to understand. From myself as a person to what I create and put out into the world. The difference between now and then, is that I thought I was supposed to make what was already here more pleasant. As if I’m taking what the world already had when I was born and turn it into something that I enjoy. But I was mistaken, doing that in many different ways made me depressed because I felt that I wasn’t being all of who I am, I wasn’t really creating something new. I was just doing what everyone else wanted me to do.

However, in the times where I let my creativity free (more so when I was growing up) I notice that I would put things together that didn’t really make sense or belong, somehow doing things “my way” always made me feel like a true creator and an artist. Being an artist is not making a picture pretty for me, it’s accessing that core part of you that knows all and spreading that out in a way that makes sense to the artist themselves.

That is what I was missing, I was so hung up on what everyone else was already doing, and insisted on doing things in everyone else’s way that I truly lost myself. Being an individual is tough because we’re not taught to be truly ourselves. We can have a personality on some level but we’re expected to do things like everyone else. That is the biggest problem I have in life.

I don’t like doing things that is expected, in fact I was meant to stick out and be different. As much as I love to be different, it’s a really tough job to do because you face a lot of adversity and self-doubt. This self-doubt has prevented me from showing my own greatness for many years, and often clouded my true path. Which is one of the major reasons why I floundered in life for many years.

But seeing the true reason (or one of) why I’m on this planet and one of the major reasons why my life always seems to be a battle within my heart, I know what to do and expect. I know now there is nothing wrong with me, I was just blessed with this energy that isn’t meant to blend in with what’s normal. There isn’t anything wrong with the way I do things, I just have to trust that my way will take me to where I need to go. There is nothing wrong with my life, I was just mislead to think that my life is supposed to look a certain way.

One of the biggest blessings I’ve gotten this year (and I had a lot) is knowing that being different is my way of life, not because I “chose it” but because “I am it.” And no matter how much I try to fool myself or others my difference and rebellious nature will take over, showing me that I’m not being who I really am, but being what I think I have to be to “fit in.” Thank god however, that isn’t the reason why I’m here.

I’m here to blaze trails and possibly raise hell in places that people would least expect, but at least I know what I’m doing and why, it makes my life that much easier.

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Vision 63: The Power Inside Me

I’ve been finding my power in a lot of ways this year, but one has caught me off guard. It’s that wild and instinctual spirit inside me. The one that everyone told me to avoid, to not engage in and to resist to stay pure and innocent.

The funny part about that is this power greeted me. I didn’t want to interact with it because of my own beliefs about it. Most of which was from society and what I learned about power growing up. I thought it was dangerous, that my earthy and animalistic side to me was something I had to overcome. It was lower, not worthy and had nothing good to give. Yet, I found so much love, true love for myself that I never felt before in my life. It’s not just the self-love that I’ve grown from this place that surprises me the most, but the cleansing effect it gives my life.

So much of my past, old energies and just limited beliefs where held up inside me, just sitting there. But once I finally stop resisting my own power, and finally engage with what the universe had graciously given me, the power to heal very old wounds came about. I felt so good dancing with this partner of mine.

She is so beautiful, wise and mysterious. She came to me in my most private moments, just waiting for me. As shocking as it was, I listen to what she had to say and good god was it amazing. I wish I wrote down everything she said but she told me truths about the real power that I had and how important for those powers to run free. Power like this can’t be resisted forever, it’s a divine gift that was meant to be experienced by those that are ready. And as much as I want to deny it, I was ready. That potential was always there, I was just mislead by the world about my own source of power.

I can’t explain everything in such a short amount of words of how I feel about this part of myself but I know that this is something I had no idea was waiting for me. Just to feel this surging power flow throughout my being is more than I can take sometimes. It makes me wonder why the world wanted to hide this away from me? As if they were protecting me from danger?

The most dangerous thing to do is hiding this in the first place, making me think that my own divinity is something to be ashamed of. It can be considered unholy by those that see others abuse this power but why damn the whole concept when a few others took it for granted. Moreover, I can understand why this power was “hidden” from the conscious eye. If everyone had access and can control their own power, this world would be a much different place.

We wouldn’t walk around expecting others to give to us what we can only give to ourselves. We wouldn’t be so quick to give our everything to everyone, and we would be a lot more powerful physically, mentally, emotionally and spiritually. That is what my wild and fearless spirit is trying to tell me, I have all these gifts but they are hidden by the limited beliefs of my own culture and species. I have to explore these magical places within myself and embrace my own being along with them.

She taught me that in this unique journey, there is nothing to be afraid of in this “dark” place that people told me about. It’s safe, nurturing, grounding and magical. It’s nothing what people have been telling me for years.

It’s much more powerful than that, and it’s something that I have complete access and control of. Which scares the absolute shit out of people, and why they choose to hide it in the first place.

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