Vision 80: My Feelings About Money and Wealth

Money can be such a tough subject for me, at one point I understood it as I thought I needed too, but as the winds changed I find myself again at a struggling point to make it work for me.

I want money, I want money because I feel like it can give me the things I want like a nice home, nice things, and experiences that I wouldn’t have access to otherwise. At the same time, I feel so at war with the system of money that I was taught, I have no idea what to do with myself in terms of making an enjoyable, consistent and stable income.

Money feels ethereal to me, detached even from the material world; the polar opposite from how the rest of the world sees money. I feel like money can be attracted to you if you focus on it and align your energies the right way, yet, I’m constantly challenged to make money the old fashioned way through jobs or starting your own business. It’s all action orientated, based on money being strictly a physical thing, detached from the spiritual.  I just don’t get it, and I’m often frustrated with this typical earthly system of money. Honestly, I don’t want to be a part of it in any form because I haven’t found myself fitting into it very well at all.

It like I’m trying to cram myself into a small box where I can’t really express myself or move freely as I want to. However, I feel that I have such an important and wonderful job to do! Where money is not a concept to be enslaved in and I’m working my wonderful magic. But I can’t seem to find the right tools or system that matches my personal and unique view of money, and when I try (and I really do try) to do it the typical way I get really depressed, frustrated, and feel broken. If other people can somehow make a living, and more than likely be miserable, how come it’s so hard for me? Why the intense push and pull with money, careers, and jobs? It’s like I never found my own unique way to make money work for me because I haven’t seen another person with my unique issues make it work. It’s almost taboo and considered lazy and unrealistic.

Yet, I feel so strongly that I have something to give to the world but I don’t know how to use it myself as far as money because I was taught away from my true nature! Despite being an earthly Taurus and have a practical way of being, my outlook isn’t attached to the physical world at all, I definitely see things in a much different way. Which can cause all sorts of mishaps when I’m trying to live life, the human way as you’re expected too.

Even knowing all this, the real breakthrough is that I’m afraid to make money, because of this pressure to sacrifice my view and belief about money for a concept I simply don’t believe in. Even though it’s uncomfortable, I find it far easier to stay where I am, barely getting by and simply being resourceful (a true gift in itself) and feeling free from the pressures of money, than obtaining more wealth because I feel I have to give up so much for it.

I sometimes feel that I can’t be free if I chose to make money and a lot of it, or I have to be a soulless worker to have an income like everyone else.

It’s a tough issue sometimes but I believe were we struggle the most is where we have (or will have) the most expertise.

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Vision 79: The Most Healing Music

Music is one of the most magical art forms I know of, always being created and flowing through the hearts of many and being listened to by even more. I guess you can call me a musicophile, a lover of music, but as the years gone by I saw how my love for music became more than just amassing a huge collection of CDs and MP3s, but now wanting to create my own.

And with that desire being launched everyday as I blissfully select my chosen soundtracks, I realized how much I used music for healing without even knowing it. But there is one particular artist that stole the show of bringing much healing to my heart and soul, that artist is Bjork and she has the most healing music I know of.

How I got to know this artist was through twitter, when someone retweeted her music video “Crystalline” and from the second I heard her unique voice I KNEW that I would love all of her music, and indeed I did. Music video after music video, I was surrounded by such artistic, unique and one of a kind songs, I was truly happy for being guided to this wonderful artist!

As time went by and I was still faithfully listening to her albums, there was a time in my life where I chose to open myself up again emotionally. To start crying again and to finally give myself the much needed healing and validation of my emotions. When it came to finally allow my tears to flow, one of my personal favorites “All Neon Like” was that catalyze to really dive deep where I never dared to tread before.

Boy, that first time I let myself cry to that song, it was like an overbearing weight finally coming through my tiny body. Hearing the words “don’t be angry at yourself” resonated so strongly that I felt ripples of pain, of my own anger towards myself come through to the surface. It was probably one of the most intense crying sessions I had to date. At the same time, feeling those true feelings gave me so much hope, awareness and wisdom of how I truly felt inside. From then on, whenever I felt that need to let go of some deep emotions that were coming up for me, I would choose that song to get me to the other side.

Out of all the artists, songs and soundtracks that I’ve listened too, Bjork is the only one to dive so deep in my soul to actually get those old feelings out, it’s quite amazing. And I’m honored that the universe equipped me with such a powerful healing too.

Since then, there have been other instances where her other songs like “Bachelorette” and “Undo” have spoken to me on a deep level and left me in healing tears. It’s as if the songs zeros in a very sore spot of my emotions (where I’m being triggered emotionally) and really bring it up to the conscious mind. I’ve cried to other songs (not that many to be honest) but Bjork’s is the only one that has this specific effect on me.

All in all, I’m so happy to be one of the lucky people that not only listens and enjoys her music, but can feel the healing vibrations that are laced within the notes and lyrics. Her music has made a very huge impact on my life, and I’m not sure how my life would be different if I never discovered her a short few years ago.

So I want to say thank you so much for giving your gifts to the world because it has changed people’s lives, especially mine. Feeling your healing intent in your music really does brings me to my knees sometimes, but it also allowed me to feel and to cry without judgment, editing myself or thinking that I’m inappropriate for doing so.

That means more to me than you’ll ever know…

So thank you so much, Bjork…

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Vision 78: Mirror

Today I’m feeling pretty good. I’ve been reading The Essential Law of Attraction Collection that I’ve gotten for Christmas and it’s been one of the best books I’ve owned in many years.

I’ve been seeing myself like a clear mirror since starting the 30 day process and my new focus on relaxing into my life more. I’m seeing that, I do have two modes of operation. The first one is akin to a chicken with its head cut off, that is running amuck trying to throw everything in its proper place. I’m disconnected, away from my true source. I often feel lost as if I’m out at sea, trying to peddle my way to the next and “perfect” island where I’ll find my tribe and purpose. Yet, when I do wash ashore I always feel that something is missing, that it’s not good enough and set off to sea again to fix what is broken.

On the other side of the coin, as if it was my own shadow I have a much calmer more connected self. I’m aligned to who I am, what I see is perfect. There is no need to fix anything because I know that through my own power of attraction there is nothing that can come my way without myself inviting it in. I’m sure of myself and I have fun in life. I see things as an opportunity to have more fun. I’m creative and see myself as the artist that I really am and fulfill that prophecy. I know exactly what and how it looks but seldom to control it because I know it will come out way better than I expect if I just allow it into my experience.

That reflection of self, that clear picture of who I am and who I’m being moment by moment is a huge wake up call. The person I thought I was, is just the person I assumed I needed to be, because I saw my world as broken in a lot of ways. I saw myself as defective so I had to fix myself in a lot of ways. I thought of this “lesson” as a means for growth, but what I was really doing was assuming that I was less than perfect and thus unworthy or unable to have, do or be who I wanted to be.

When I looked in the mirror, I saw so much sadness, anger, hate, jealousy and an outward cry for help. For someone to just give me a kind look and to say that I was good enough. That my life was good enough, and that I can stop trying so hard. That if I can just let go of my insecurities and focus on what I loved, then I’ll get that in return. I don’t have to struggle or suffer anymore… For anything…

I’m already worthy.

I feel better now, I’m not in so much pain though I do have times where I’m indeed hurting. But I don’t look in the mirror and see such a sad soul anymore. I see something so much greater, bigger, more attractive and someone so much more loving towards myself than I could ever imagined for myself.

And that feels good…

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Vision 77: The Sun and Moon

 

It’s a dark and gloomy Sunday. The house is darken with the silhouettes of years’ worth of papers, furniture and odds and ends.

Lately, I’ve been given quite the messages relating to coming back to who I am. I admit, that in the last few months I’ve fallen off the wagon. The journey I thought I was taking turned into a fight to find myself again amidst the reemerging feelings of not only the pain that I’ve been living in the last half decade, but my whole life.

This took me a lot of strength to do, because in my “downtime” I saw myself and the world around me as I did back in 2013, a year I never want to repeat again. It was a realization that I not only create my reality but “I” really do create my life experience through my thoughts, feelings and beliefs.

The universe has been kind to let me stay in my pit of despair for a while but once a few weeks of the worst of it passed, it was time for me to crawl back up to my true self. Since then, I’ve been making great strides to retrieve back the positive habits, lifestyle and mindset that made 2014 such a great success.

One of those things is simply coming back home, in myself, in my lunar side. This is such a beautiful space that I simply learned to ignore, I much rather take the bull by the horns because I learned that is the proper way to live life. You have to do everything in order to succeed, life gives no handouts. Boy was I wrong.

I’m seeing that approach in life goes against my true nature. I used to be rather calm and simple. I didn’t want a lot but that was probably because I learned not to expect it. Either way, my way of life was to simply go where the wind took me. I actually remember sketching out a drawing that showcased that classic phase… It’s funny, I don’t know how but I just knew… I knew that was my MO and it was perfect as it was, and I looked at my life experience from that time and saw the evidence of it too.

I’m learning to take my power back again, and challenging the beliefs and concepts that I too easily accepted upon hitting my college years. Even though I had a really hard time believing that my choices were the best one I can make without some outside opinion, I’m seeing that is where I went wrong the most. I didn’t allow myself to see the other side, to just take the plunge and see what happens. I wanted to know what it would be like before I got there so I know what to do when it happens. This left me in an eternal state of preparation and was my greatest downfall in a lot of things I really wanted to do.

Despite my history, I turned that around in 2014 and started to simply wing it and go where the wind took me because let’s face it, I feel way more natural and “myself” in that mode, than the mode I’m trying to live in an extroverted way. In fact, trying to do everything and bang everything into place drains me to the point I have nothing.

I’m always looking for the next “high” to fix something or have some type of simulation and that in itself is stressful…

Who I am is the one that is placed nicely within my lunar side, where my excitement, energy, passion and outward creativity is dancing within the solar fire of my external nature. It’s a perfect and great balance that I have yet to master completely, but one that is vital to my own well-being and happiness.

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Vision 76: Struggle

Today during my walk, I had a really great conversation with my guide Joe. I was telling him how when I was younger, I wasn’t this over the top passionate go getter like I am now. It really put in perspective of how I naturally functioned as a child and what traits I’ve developed in my adult years.

When he heard about that, he probed and asked me more questions relating how I basically made goals (or lack thereof) and how I go after them. Having this conversation, I learned that my struggle, the same struggle I’ve been having in the last 5-6 years of trying to make a thriving business, be a great artist or whatever I wanted was because I didn’t want to struggle in life anymore.

When I was younger, I didn’t have the intense problem(s) as I do now, it didn’t push me to overcome them and make big goals to eliminate them. The things that I did for fun, I did for fun, I had no real goals to become the best, to have some huge destiny or have some huge influence over the world. Only till my later teens and eventually when I became a young adult, things changed. When the recession hit, while I just got into college, the threat of losing my home became the center fold of my life, even now. From what I thought then was my saving grace the book, Creating Money, came into my hands. That was my first book on Law of Attraction, and through that book I learned that I could create the life that I wanted.

From then on, my goal was to fix my (or really my family’s) life of struggle and to make a business that I loved. However, on the journey to do those things I picked up very unhealthy and damaging beliefs about who I should be to become successful. The traditional ways of business goes against my very nature, and quite frankly I learned to work hard at it. Nonetheless, it just kept me in the same situation for years.

As time went by and my dreams and desires changed, I noticed that the common denominator was that I wanted my intended result to stop my life of struggle. And trying so hard to succeed and noticing how I wasn’t or couldn’t get there kept me in struggle more, so then I only attracted struggle as a result. Which leads me to where I was (and on some level now), spinning my wheels not going anywhere.

I realized this afternoon, that it isn’t my issues (through it is a small part of it) that was the reason I haven’t succeed in the things I wanted, but my desired intention was impure. I wanted the success to save me from my problems and struggles (what I didn’t want), it was the message I was sending to the universe. I wasn’t doing it because I simply loved doing what I was doing. I wasn’t focus on how good it felt or the fact it will grow into something more (what I did want). I pushed myself very far in everything I thought would be the magic solution for me, that one thing that would make me rich or simply change my life of struggle. But that isn’t what I was sending to the universe, all I was sending was the fact I hated my life and how nothing worked out for me, then worked harder to fix it and the cycle continues.

I learned an important lesson today, I have no need to struggle if I just stop struggling. I don’t have to overcome lifelong afflictions, family drama and dysfunction to succeed. All I need is to focus on what I love and allow the universe to bring it to me. I don’t need to do anything extra to be in an allowing place, just practice the feeling of it.

It’s as if for a really long time I’ve been going up the same mountain over and over again in hopes to find my destination, when all I had to do is look at the map and follow its path. I have no need to struggle anymore. I have no need to beat myself up for not being a better person.

All I need to do is praise myself and what I love and focus on those things because it’s the reason I want to do anything, because it feels good, not because I want to stop what I don’t want.

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Vision 75: End of an Era

A few days ago, I just received the most amazing news I could ever hear! That indeed the universe and Archangel Michael has known my prayers and troubles and is making a way for me to finally leave a very toxic way of living.

I’ve been living in a household that is indeed very harmful in a lot of ways. Because of this, I’ve developed very dysfunctional ways of thinking and living. This toxic mindset has disabled me from truly accessing my power and what I really wanted for years. I didn’t believe I was worthy, I had to fix everyone around me, everything was my fault and if I can’t fix it then I was a bad person. This thinking has plagued me for most of my life. I didn’t allow myself to have good things, not really on a deep level.

It took me a long time to come to a place where I was willing to put everything around me on the back burner and make myself a real priority. But in doing that in 2014 I’ve regained and discovered parts of me I didn’t even know existed. Positive traits that I wanted to have but believed I truly lacked in myself.  Life was confusing for a long time but I’m happy to say, through my path of recovery, a lot of the fog has lifted.

Hearing this wonderful message from Clio, the reader that took my question, beyond spoke to me. It actually opened me up to speak my truth and be honest with myself. My struggle of following my intuition vs. the opinions of others was intense, I didn’t really know what was the right answer. Yet, somehow, following my intuition of asking about my life purpose in art, I got the answer to the question I always wanted to ask. This gave me permission to actually step forward to leave this toxic household and not feel bad for it. AAM let me know that I wasn’t a bad person and I was overdue to leave this situation for a long time now. The only thing that was stopping me was myself, and my own belief that I wasn’t worthy enough, strong enough or able enough to do it without the universe’s green light.

Even though I have gotten the green light, the real blessing is that I’m not a bad person for leaving, in fact, it is vital to my life purpose to do so. So I don’t have to feel bad anymore and block the next step to actually making it happen. I wanted this for so many years and without any improvement or promise of it happening I stopped asking and just accepted where I was. This was a good and bad thing at once, it was great because I wasn’t struggling to leave (at times) but at the same time, I was stuffing down my true desires and feeling bad for not getting what I really wanted.

Seeing other people have what I so desired for myself was tough to bear at times, but I trusted my intuition that it was on its way and I will get it eventually. This however, is more than I expected because it is like I have no reason to hold myself back, the whole universe and then some is on my side wanting this for me as much as I am. I don’t have to question myself anymore or my intuition, I’m following my guidance perfectly and I’ll get to where I need to be in no time.

I can finally allow myself to have what I want, align with it and let the next steps reveal themselves without so much internal and external struggle.

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Vision 74: Expression

 

Upon waking up this morning, my mind was still obsessing over the choices, potential futures and different plans of action I could take.

The night before, I had an ah-ha moment that everything I was trying to do to try to escape my dysfunctional household was setting me back big time. It felt clear to me that the universe didn’t want me to look for a way out, but to go within and get creative. To start expressing myself, my dreams and what I want to happen, not to over think things and control everything.

I’ve been stressing hard over my own intuition vs. the urgency everyone else presents to me time and time again. I simply can’t fall in line with everyone else’s time line, when I do, I stress out and lose myself in it all. I’m completely out of my power when I’m in that mode so I’m worst off trying to do anything, even more so trying to fix “my whole life” in one day.

It’s very stressful and I don’t even know where one part starts or when one part ends, I just know that I want to crawl under a hole because I simply can’t do everything I think I need to do all at once. It’s very draining to say the least.

I noticed that even though I have been drawing more, I haven’t been connecting to my source, my lunar side nowhere near as much as I should. I’m not sure where my head has been, but it hasn’t been where it needed to be. Actually, I’ve been more concerned over my internal schedule of things to do, my to do list and simply trying to “keep up” with everything outside of me instead of actually following my intuition fully. I see where I’m stagnating on.

I’m not being open to my lunar side, trying new things, writing out my feelings daily, doing yoga, trying new creative products, breaking my norms, day dreaming and simply connecting to my spirit. What I’m doing is trying to connect to this artificial heart beat of the external world, trying to jump through as many hoops people provide me as possible and trying to “maintain” this false sense of “I got it together.” That is not me and I’m not in my most blissful allowing state in that mode either, it’s actually blocking me from what I really want.

Because again, I’m stuck on this notion that I have to have everything in its perfect place externally. I have to finish everything I started. I can’t move on till everything is where it “should” be, instead of following my gut that guides me to where I need to be and when I need to go. I don’t have to try so hard to maintain my external world, I need to learn to live in my internal world and let my reality change organically.
It’s a rough balance at times, and I naturally lean into my solar side despite my intuitive nature so I have to check myself often to know if I’m doing things because I’m guided by the universe or my own (and others) fear.

Right now the universe is guiding me to go downstream, let go of the oars and back to my intuitive self. It’s tough when everyone is insisting you to “be on the ball” but they don’t know me like my intuition, and they can’t see my bright future like my intuition so I owe it to myself to listen to the right guidance.

My lunar side, who I really am, my true connection to source and everything that I love, that is what guides me and who I need to listen too.

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