This happened after I did a tarot reading for myself where they strongly suggested that I create a foundation in my life where I can basically focus on my dreams. So I can have a true “vision” of what I want my life to be like.
Admittedly, I have shut down my dreams. I use to be a such a strong advocate for following your dreams and I still am… But that sparkle, intense passion and that “fighter spirit” has been somewhat put out.
After an awful 2013 of following my own dreams (at least what I thought were dreams) of growing my business and becoming a life coach of some sort, I felt completely defeated and even embarrassed to be honest. I thought that somehow my dreams would of came through if I put enough time and effort in it but all I got was a huge headache, wild goose chases and a lot of false hope.
After that point, I found it simpler to just find a nine-to-five (still looking actually), buckle down and find smaller bits of pieces of my life that was left that I fairly enjoyed. I pretty much downgraded my own visions and dreams (along with what I could do in life) and even felt resentment towards those dreams. It felt like a joke to think I could or even wanted to achieve those dreams. Because of that, I feel now that having a “dream,” at least for myself, is dicey business. I don’t know if I’ll realize it, if it will be fruitful or I’ll endlessly fail time and time again till I’m at rock bottom.
Writing all of this now, I feel a lot of anger. Towards life and everyone… For tossing me dead ends and endless battles for something I now know wasn’t much of a dream but a hope of getting out of a bad situation. Even then, I had so much hope for the future that I carried on, even if it hurt and I still ended up barely together.
I HATE the fact that last year was so shitty, that my life went to the shitter and yet, I still had the hope of creating something better only for it to come crashing down so hard that I wasn’t sure what was really left for me. I hate it, I really do and I never thought I held that much resentment towards last year and my dreams as I do now. I feel like I trusted myself and the universe but was severely disappointed.
Maybe that’s why I shut down my dreams and didn’t plan to make new ones. It all felt like a lie and deep inside I didn’t want to face the hard truth of my real feelings towards the past. I just wanted an escape from really bad circumstances and having a bigger and better business felt like the perfect way to do that. I read so many stories of others doing the same thing I figured it should work for me too, but it didn’t. I was misled by my obsession with success thinking it would change life around me for the better. I’m seeing that on an even deeper level now and how that blocked me from finding my true path in life.
Since then, I found things I would like to experience and do, but they were far from actual dreams. Thus I have no real “vision” for my life, just things I would like to do and the cards picked that up perfectly. I feel that pull and tug to let my dreams out once again and I even realized new ones today (before I found all this resentment towards the past mind you) but I have that thorn in my side that needs to be taken out.
I know now is the right time and I can’t wait for it to just “happen.” I really have to push myself and make myself see how dear and important my dreams are. Not just the ones that gave me false hope because I was coming from a place of lack and fear, but the real and true ones of what I would like to become one day. I still can have those dreams and many others but I have to stop resenting the past and see that life was just showing me the way.
I have to stop being so angry at myself for this because if I knew better I would of done better. I guess a part of me wished that things would of turned out differently so I feel more deserving in life. Having last year the way it went made me feel lower than dirt; it didn’t feel like I deserved anything more but negativity because somehow I wasn’t “more” than a failure in all fronts in my own eyes.
I have to stop telling that story, it might of felt that way but certainly it wasn’t what the universe intended for me. If I didn’t have that experience, I don’t know where I would be or how I would feel truly inside. Because of that downturn in life I was able to uncover a lot more in my current upturn. Where I’m truly finding myself again and how I work in relation to the outside world, there is no price for that.
So, I’m sorry for punishing you, my dreams, myself and life. It might seem cruel but you were the teachers that was just leading me down the path of least resistance and authenticity, and I can’t blame you for that. I was simply just a wannabe of a lot of falsehood (though I didn’t see it at the time) and you all turned me into something much greater than that… Myself, my real self that I’m starting to really know again.
And that feels so good to me, thank you so much life, my dreams and myself, you did a good job…
