Vision 78: Mirror

Today I’m feeling pretty good. I’ve been reading The Essential Law of Attraction Collection that I’ve gotten for Christmas and it’s been one of the best books I’ve owned in many years.

I’ve been seeing myself like a clear mirror since starting the 30 day process and my new focus on relaxing into my life more. I’m seeing that, I do have two modes of operation. The first one is akin to a chicken with its head cut off, that is running amuck trying to throw everything in its proper place. I’m disconnected, away from my true source. I often feel lost as if I’m out at sea, trying to peddle my way to the next and “perfect” island where I’ll find my tribe and purpose. Yet, when I do wash ashore I always feel that something is missing, that it’s not good enough and set off to sea again to fix what is broken.

On the other side of the coin, as if it was my own shadow I have a much calmer more connected self. I’m aligned to who I am, what I see is perfect. There is no need to fix anything because I know that through my own power of attraction there is nothing that can come my way without myself inviting it in. I’m sure of myself and I have fun in life. I see things as an opportunity to have more fun. I’m creative and see myself as the artist that I really am and fulfill that prophecy. I know exactly what and how it looks but seldom to control it because I know it will come out way better than I expect if I just allow it into my experience.

That reflection of self, that clear picture of who I am and who I’m being moment by moment is a huge wake up call. The person I thought I was, is just the person I assumed I needed to be, because I saw my world as broken in a lot of ways. I saw myself as defective so I had to fix myself in a lot of ways. I thought of this “lesson” as a means for growth, but what I was really doing was assuming that I was less than perfect and thus unworthy or unable to have, do or be who I wanted to be.

When I looked in the mirror, I saw so much sadness, anger, hate, jealousy and an outward cry for help. For someone to just give me a kind look and to say that I was good enough. That my life was good enough, and that I can stop trying so hard. That if I can just let go of my insecurities and focus on what I loved, then I’ll get that in return. I don’t have to struggle or suffer anymore… For anything…

I’m already worthy.

I feel better now, I’m not in so much pain though I do have times where I’m indeed hurting. But I don’t look in the mirror and see such a sad soul anymore. I see something so much greater, bigger, more attractive and someone so much more loving towards myself than I could ever imagined for myself.

And that feels good…

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Vision 77: The Sun and Moon

 

It’s a dark and gloomy Sunday. The house is darken with the silhouettes of years’ worth of papers, furniture and odds and ends.

Lately, I’ve been given quite the messages relating to coming back to who I am. I admit, that in the last few months I’ve fallen off the wagon. The journey I thought I was taking turned into a fight to find myself again amidst the reemerging feelings of not only the pain that I’ve been living in the last half decade, but my whole life.

This took me a lot of strength to do, because in my “downtime” I saw myself and the world around me as I did back in 2013, a year I never want to repeat again. It was a realization that I not only create my reality but “I” really do create my life experience through my thoughts, feelings and beliefs.

The universe has been kind to let me stay in my pit of despair for a while but once a few weeks of the worst of it passed, it was time for me to crawl back up to my true self. Since then, I’ve been making great strides to retrieve back the positive habits, lifestyle and mindset that made 2014 such a great success.

One of those things is simply coming back home, in myself, in my lunar side. This is such a beautiful space that I simply learned to ignore, I much rather take the bull by the horns because I learned that is the proper way to live life. You have to do everything in order to succeed, life gives no handouts. Boy was I wrong.

I’m seeing that approach in life goes against my true nature. I used to be rather calm and simple. I didn’t want a lot but that was probably because I learned not to expect it. Either way, my way of life was to simply go where the wind took me. I actually remember sketching out a drawing that showcased that classic phase… It’s funny, I don’t know how but I just knew… I knew that was my MO and it was perfect as it was, and I looked at my life experience from that time and saw the evidence of it too.

I’m learning to take my power back again, and challenging the beliefs and concepts that I too easily accepted upon hitting my college years. Even though I had a really hard time believing that my choices were the best one I can make without some outside opinion, I’m seeing that is where I went wrong the most. I didn’t allow myself to see the other side, to just take the plunge and see what happens. I wanted to know what it would be like before I got there so I know what to do when it happens. This left me in an eternal state of preparation and was my greatest downfall in a lot of things I really wanted to do.

Despite my history, I turned that around in 2014 and started to simply wing it and go where the wind took me because let’s face it, I feel way more natural and “myself” in that mode, than the mode I’m trying to live in an extroverted way. In fact, trying to do everything and bang everything into place drains me to the point I have nothing.

I’m always looking for the next “high” to fix something or have some type of simulation and that in itself is stressful…

Who I am is the one that is placed nicely within my lunar side, where my excitement, energy, passion and outward creativity is dancing within the solar fire of my external nature. It’s a perfect and great balance that I have yet to master completely, but one that is vital to my own well-being and happiness.

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Vision 76: Struggle

Today during my walk, I had a really great conversation with my guide Joe. I was telling him how when I was younger, I wasn’t this over the top passionate go getter like I am now. It really put in perspective of how I naturally functioned as a child and what traits I’ve developed in my adult years.

When he heard about that, he probed and asked me more questions relating how I basically made goals (or lack thereof) and how I go after them. Having this conversation, I learned that my struggle, the same struggle I’ve been having in the last 5-6 years of trying to make a thriving business, be a great artist or whatever I wanted was because I didn’t want to struggle in life anymore.

When I was younger, I didn’t have the intense problem(s) as I do now, it didn’t push me to overcome them and make big goals to eliminate them. The things that I did for fun, I did for fun, I had no real goals to become the best, to have some huge destiny or have some huge influence over the world. Only till my later teens and eventually when I became a young adult, things changed. When the recession hit, while I just got into college, the threat of losing my home became the center fold of my life, even now. From what I thought then was my saving grace the book, Creating Money, came into my hands. That was my first book on Law of Attraction, and through that book I learned that I could create the life that I wanted.

From then on, my goal was to fix my (or really my family’s) life of struggle and to make a business that I loved. However, on the journey to do those things I picked up very unhealthy and damaging beliefs about who I should be to become successful. The traditional ways of business goes against my very nature, and quite frankly I learned to work hard at it. Nonetheless, it just kept me in the same situation for years.

As time went by and my dreams and desires changed, I noticed that the common denominator was that I wanted my intended result to stop my life of struggle. And trying so hard to succeed and noticing how I wasn’t or couldn’t get there kept me in struggle more, so then I only attracted struggle as a result. Which leads me to where I was (and on some level now), spinning my wheels not going anywhere.

I realized this afternoon, that it isn’t my issues (through it is a small part of it) that was the reason I haven’t succeed in the things I wanted, but my desired intention was impure. I wanted the success to save me from my problems and struggles (what I didn’t want), it was the message I was sending to the universe. I wasn’t doing it because I simply loved doing what I was doing. I wasn’t focus on how good it felt or the fact it will grow into something more (what I did want). I pushed myself very far in everything I thought would be the magic solution for me, that one thing that would make me rich or simply change my life of struggle. But that isn’t what I was sending to the universe, all I was sending was the fact I hated my life and how nothing worked out for me, then worked harder to fix it and the cycle continues.

I learned an important lesson today, I have no need to struggle if I just stop struggling. I don’t have to overcome lifelong afflictions, family drama and dysfunction to succeed. All I need is to focus on what I love and allow the universe to bring it to me. I don’t need to do anything extra to be in an allowing place, just practice the feeling of it.

It’s as if for a really long time I’ve been going up the same mountain over and over again in hopes to find my destination, when all I had to do is look at the map and follow its path. I have no need to struggle anymore. I have no need to beat myself up for not being a better person.

All I need to do is praise myself and what I love and focus on those things because it’s the reason I want to do anything, because it feels good, not because I want to stop what I don’t want.

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Vision 75: End of an Era

A few days ago, I just received the most amazing news I could ever hear! That indeed the universe and Archangel Michael has known my prayers and troubles and is making a way for me to finally leave a very toxic way of living.

I’ve been living in a household that is indeed very harmful in a lot of ways. Because of this, I’ve developed very dysfunctional ways of thinking and living. This toxic mindset has disabled me from truly accessing my power and what I really wanted for years. I didn’t believe I was worthy, I had to fix everyone around me, everything was my fault and if I can’t fix it then I was a bad person. This thinking has plagued me for most of my life. I didn’t allow myself to have good things, not really on a deep level.

It took me a long time to come to a place where I was willing to put everything around me on the back burner and make myself a real priority. But in doing that in 2014 I’ve regained and discovered parts of me I didn’t even know existed. Positive traits that I wanted to have but believed I truly lacked in myself.  Life was confusing for a long time but I’m happy to say, through my path of recovery, a lot of the fog has lifted.

Hearing this wonderful message from Clio, the reader that took my question, beyond spoke to me. It actually opened me up to speak my truth and be honest with myself. My struggle of following my intuition vs. the opinions of others was intense, I didn’t really know what was the right answer. Yet, somehow, following my intuition of asking about my life purpose in art, I got the answer to the question I always wanted to ask. This gave me permission to actually step forward to leave this toxic household and not feel bad for it. AAM let me know that I wasn’t a bad person and I was overdue to leave this situation for a long time now. The only thing that was stopping me was myself, and my own belief that I wasn’t worthy enough, strong enough or able enough to do it without the universe’s green light.

Even though I have gotten the green light, the real blessing is that I’m not a bad person for leaving, in fact, it is vital to my life purpose to do so. So I don’t have to feel bad anymore and block the next step to actually making it happen. I wanted this for so many years and without any improvement or promise of it happening I stopped asking and just accepted where I was. This was a good and bad thing at once, it was great because I wasn’t struggling to leave (at times) but at the same time, I was stuffing down my true desires and feeling bad for not getting what I really wanted.

Seeing other people have what I so desired for myself was tough to bear at times, but I trusted my intuition that it was on its way and I will get it eventually. This however, is more than I expected because it is like I have no reason to hold myself back, the whole universe and then some is on my side wanting this for me as much as I am. I don’t have to question myself anymore or my intuition, I’m following my guidance perfectly and I’ll get to where I need to be in no time.

I can finally allow myself to have what I want, align with it and let the next steps reveal themselves without so much internal and external struggle.

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Vision 74: Expression

 

Upon waking up this morning, my mind was still obsessing over the choices, potential futures and different plans of action I could take.

The night before, I had an ah-ha moment that everything I was trying to do to try to escape my dysfunctional household was setting me back big time. It felt clear to me that the universe didn’t want me to look for a way out, but to go within and get creative. To start expressing myself, my dreams and what I want to happen, not to over think things and control everything.

I’ve been stressing hard over my own intuition vs. the urgency everyone else presents to me time and time again. I simply can’t fall in line with everyone else’s time line, when I do, I stress out and lose myself in it all. I’m completely out of my power when I’m in that mode so I’m worst off trying to do anything, even more so trying to fix “my whole life” in one day.

It’s very stressful and I don’t even know where one part starts or when one part ends, I just know that I want to crawl under a hole because I simply can’t do everything I think I need to do all at once. It’s very draining to say the least.

I noticed that even though I have been drawing more, I haven’t been connecting to my source, my lunar side nowhere near as much as I should. I’m not sure where my head has been, but it hasn’t been where it needed to be. Actually, I’ve been more concerned over my internal schedule of things to do, my to do list and simply trying to “keep up” with everything outside of me instead of actually following my intuition fully. I see where I’m stagnating on.

I’m not being open to my lunar side, trying new things, writing out my feelings daily, doing yoga, trying new creative products, breaking my norms, day dreaming and simply connecting to my spirit. What I’m doing is trying to connect to this artificial heart beat of the external world, trying to jump through as many hoops people provide me as possible and trying to “maintain” this false sense of “I got it together.” That is not me and I’m not in my most blissful allowing state in that mode either, it’s actually blocking me from what I really want.

Because again, I’m stuck on this notion that I have to have everything in its perfect place externally. I have to finish everything I started. I can’t move on till everything is where it “should” be, instead of following my gut that guides me to where I need to be and when I need to go. I don’t have to try so hard to maintain my external world, I need to learn to live in my internal world and let my reality change organically.
It’s a rough balance at times, and I naturally lean into my solar side despite my intuitive nature so I have to check myself often to know if I’m doing things because I’m guided by the universe or my own (and others) fear.

Right now the universe is guiding me to go downstream, let go of the oars and back to my intuitive self. It’s tough when everyone is insisting you to “be on the ball” but they don’t know me like my intuition, and they can’t see my bright future like my intuition so I owe it to myself to listen to the right guidance.

My lunar side, who I really am, my true connection to source and everything that I love, that is what guides me and who I need to listen too.

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Vision 73: New Year Feelings

 

I feel rather confused right now. Sometimes it feels as if I’m demanding way more out of myself than what I can actually produce.

There are so many things I want to do and I’m thinking a lot about the things I want to clear out before the year ends but I’m starting to stress myself out for really no reason. I have to calm down, even though the year is ending, my life isn’t perfect and won’t be magically perfect on the turn of the new year. No matter how much time and effort I try to put into “getting all my ducks in a row” life will always be a dynamic force, it simply doesn’t go by logic, the things we intend to “plan” in a way that seems right to us.

More often than not, I learned that what we see in our minds on the way things should be (or shouldn’t be) is rarely what we get “exactly,” life is so strange that we can trick ourselves out of anything we want because of this attachment to be right or perfect. For me, this year has provided a very important fact, I can’t know it all right in this red hot minute. In fact, the things that I need to do came right when I needed it, rarely I get the whole plan 2 weeks in advance.

Despite the readings I can do about the future, we’re in a present based world, if you’re not focus on the now, you’ll miss the opportunities; you can’t plan opportunities. It’s more of an art of being in the right place at the right time, and that happens when you’re not nitpicking a future event, trying to think it through as if it will go exactly as you imagine. When you just plan lightly and go for it, you’ll often get a lot more out of life and all of its offerings.

I admittedly haven’t been so keen on that wisdom lately with my roller coaster feelings dealing with the alcoholism in my family. I’m still trying to “fix” everything and trying to bang everything into place in my mind before I feel secure. Doing this is making me lose myself and what is really important in my own life, which is following my intuition and creative spirit.

I just get too sucked into my family’s negativity and unhappiness and not enough of my own well-being and life. It’s not worth getting so bent out of shape over everyone else’s failure to make themselves happy, because I’m not getting any benefits from it anyway.

Anyway, I think the point is that I’m obsessing over something that doesn’t matter that much which is trying to massively clear out everything to make my new year the perfect starting gate. I didn’t have that last year and my year went way better than I expected so I need to chill out. The most I really need to do, is simply list the things I want to focus my well-being on. In a lot of ways lately, I feel that I am going backwards, again trying to solve everything in a solar manner when I need to go within my lunar side where the real answers are.

I haven’t been connecting to that place for a while and it shows. It’s been a safe, nurturing place but I have forgotten to really connect and stay there. I’m becoming more hard, logical and action oriented all over again which isn’t my true place of power.

Writing this out really helped me sort out my feelings. Being able to write how I feel makes life a lot more manageable because I don’t have to hold everything in 24/7. I feel a lot better to move forward into the next year simply listing the things I want to come to life. Not try to fix everything on my own…

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Vision 72: Clearing Ceremony

Last week was the first time that I held a clearing ceremony. Something that I thought would be too much trouble and work, I decided to throw into my normal routine after being guided to do so by a follow reader. I had to meditate on my issues that I wanted to clear, to really embody the energies that I wanted to be omitted.

It didn’t take much for me to get started, with my family’s drinking and all the dysfunction that I faced over the years, a lot of hurt and resentment hangs around me daily. This clearing ceremony, my focus was to move past my own very old feelings that I held towards my family for years, so that I can finally move on. It takes a lot to hold so much in but when you live with alcoholics life isn’t as simple nor so cut and dry. Everything is generally very confusing.

Anyway, when I wrote my letter to burn I realized a couple of things. First, my value is NOT based on my family or their choices. Deep inside for a very long time I thought that I had no real value because I had nothing to give. I couldn’t save my family or make things better so that showed who I was. But that is not true. I also realized earlier this year that my dad installed in me that I had very little value, and I was living off of that programing but I’ve been changing that around.

Second, my very own success, the success that only I have access too, has nothing to do with my family or background. For many years I assumed that for me to be successful I had to be “perfect,” I couldn’t have a dysfunctional family or at least live with one. But that isn’t true either. My success has nothing to do with my family or where I come from.

Third, trying to be Mr. Perfect and Right is stopping me from living my own life. When you live with alcoholism you’re bound to treat things in a very drastic manner because your whole life lives by that philosophy. When things are wrong and hurtful it truly takes a different form because this is your life constantly being disrupted, you have no real peace. And being the only one that doesn’t drink I put it on myself to right wrongs and make my family “better.” I assumed that I was the only one that can do this so much so that I started living in a very ridged manner.  Everything became very distorted. I knew what I wanted and I really knew about what I didn’t want. So I was very determined to eliminate any possible hiccups or obstacles towards my goal of perfection and escape this horrible family dynamic.

This caused me to be so hyper critical towards myself and others that I killed my own motivation to try to truly improve myself among other things.  I just didn’t hold a lot of compassion towards myself at the end of the day which made everything that much harder.

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