Even this morning I felt the annoyance to be alive again and to be in a house with other people. When I dived into these emotions and the root cause of them, I noticed that I was taken in other people’s stuff. Energy, moods, or whatever, I was no longer being solely focused on me but focused on again, my family’s emotional states and how they feel. I also was feeling guilty for my own procrastination, rage towards the puppy and other things that simply doesn’t matter.
I’m learning that, giving a fuck in any sense of the word puts you last on “who’s important list.” I’ve been living in a way by trying to follow other people’s rules and standards, seeking to prove to the world that I was truly “a good and hardworking person.” Thinking somehow proving that will get me somewhere in life and hopefully happiness and success.
Being there for people, caring about others and their opinion and trying to make everyone happy is great and all but shouldn’t be the goal in life. It’s honestly, fucking bullshit. Instead, I rather be selfish and think about myself most of the time and having everyone else come second.
Learning to be selfish and not have everyone else come first in my life has probably been the best personal lesson I’ve learned this year. When I finally made myself the most important person in the world and strive to make me happy instead of my family, life started to click like magic. Things I wanted to do started to actually happen, I became happier with my own life and soon I started to heal from my own self-criticism and doubt that I wasn’t owning up to some fucked up ideal by society.
The best part of being selfish is that I no longer care or take stock (as much) in other people’s opinions. I let people be whoever they choose to be. I’m no longer trying to play the savior role for my family, I let their lives be on them for better or for worst. What is more important now is how I’m doing and what is best for me.
Also, I don’t invalidate myself simply because I don’t feel qualified or another person has a different opinion. I follow my gut instincts and I follow my own truth a lot more now with much of success. Because of that I’m no longer as afraid to go after the things I want or need. It also shows that most people have no idea what is right for me, but only knows what is right for them. No wonder I burned out so much being in my 20’s, I was listening to ALL THE WRONG PEOPLE and never to myself.
I’ve learned as well that I don’t want to share my life with anyone. At one point all I wanted is to have a relationship but now I’m even more happy being by myself! Having a boyfriend means my life has to change or somehow I have to focus my time on another person and I don’t want to do that. I also felt that having a lover will give me the feelings and needs I couldn’t give myself. THANK GOD I woke up from that dream and started to give myself the self-love that only I can provide because once I did that the desire to have a partner went away.
Now I’m wanting to just be by myself, enjoy myself, take care of me and not have “anyone else” matter. I feel like I’ve gotten the relationship with myself that I always wanted and needed. It feels good not to care and to know that I have all the answers. It feels good to know that I can do anything without the next person’s advice or opinion. It feels good to put myself first above everyone in my life and finally give myself a voice and live by its truth.
It’s great to be selfish and I believe true selfishness is the key to success in this world because you won’t let yourself be brought down by everyone around you. You make yourself valuable, validated, worthy and simply so important that you won’t let anyone get in the way of your happiness, not even yourself!
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